Don't Fix Him, Replace Him

Sage! The prerequisite for getting a new boyfriend is breaking up with the old one!

Lexi kicks my front door open. Veins popping. Total meltdown.

I stare blankly. I followed your advice.

She said: If a man acts wrong, get a new one.

I took that literally.

Bennett had the girl best friend attached to his hip.

So I got Ryker.

Rykers phone was a roster of hot girls. Walking red flag.

So I got Montgomery.

Montgomery was still crying over "The One That Got Away." Emotional baggage central.

Three duds. Im currently scouting for number four.

Lexi is shaking. "Why haven't you dumped any of them?"

I shrug.

"Which one do you want? I can spare one."

Chapter 1

Im a simple girl.

Growing up, I followed the script. Listen to mom and dad. Listen to Lexi. My life was nothing but Scantrons and AP classes.

But the year I got into university, I decided to go rogue. Challenge myself.

Mission: Get a boyfriend.

I have good genesthanks, Mom and Dadso Im objectively pretty. But when it came to standards? I was clueless.

Naturally, I consulted Lexi.

She was checking her fit in the mirror, casually dropping wisdom like she was teaching a masterclass on toxic masculinity. "Men are dogs, Sage. Treat them too well, and they get bored."

She applied a layer of gloss.

"Best method? Treat them like dirt, then give them a cookie. Keep them guessing. And remember: never try to fix a man. If hes not acting right, just swap him out. Keep trading up until youre satisfied."

I sat on the floor, notebook on my knees, nodding solemnly as I scribbled everything down.

I thought I understood.

Turns out, I missed a step.

Just as I was prepping to trade up for model number four, BennettBoyfriend Number Onetracked me down.

He didn't look happy.

"Sage! Who the hell are those two other guys? And why are they walking around saying they're your boyfriend?"

Chapter 2

Bennett was hot.

That was Lexis Rule Number One.

"You have to date a hot guy, Sage. If hes ugly, youll lose your appetite just looking at him."

I took that to heart.

I met Bennett during freshman orientation. He was the golden boy of our department, up on stage giving some inspirational speech about success.

I was in the front row.

While everyone else was mentally undressing him, I was actually taking notes.

Apparently, that stood out. After the assembly, Bennett tracked me down and asked for my number.

Then came the love bombing.

He walked me to class. He walked me back to the dorms. Weekends were for shopping, movies, and expensive dinners. When I was stressed about exams, boba and snacks magically appeared. He even bought me a jewelry set that cost more than my tuition.

For the first eighteen years of my life, my existence was a flat line. Dead water.

Bennett was the stone that finally made a ripple.

So when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes.

I just didn't expect him to come as a package deal.

Enter Riley. The "girl best friend."

Whenever we went on a date, Riley would crash it. Uninvited.

Shed drape her arm around Bennetts shoulders like one of the bros, batting her eyelashes at me. "The wifey doesn't mind, right? Ben and I have been tight for years. It's totally platonic!"

Bennett would just sigh, looking at her with indulgent eyes. "Sage is reasonable. Shes not the jealous type. She gets it."

I just smiled, watching them.

Her hand was on his chest. His arm was around her waist.

I remembered what Lexi told me: Intimacy is for boyfriends and girlfriends.

So were they dating?

And if they were dating what was I?

The side chick?

Chapter 3

For our one-month anniversary, Bennett took me to the amusement park.

It was actually fun.

Mostly because his shadow, Riley, wasn't there.

But the moment the sun went down and we headed for the Ferris wheel, my luck ran out.

Like a rat crawling out of a sewer, there she was.

Riley.

She wore that loud, "one of the guys" grin and immediately latched onto Bennetts arm. "Ben! No way! You're here too?"

Bennett chuckled, looking pleasantly surprised. "What are you doing here? You alone?"

"Yeah," she said, her voice dripping with artificial sourness. "You know how I am. I can't deal with other girls. Too much drama. And the boys were busy today."

They stood there chatting like I didn't exist. I was just part of the scenery. A lamppost.

Finally, Bennett remembered he had a girlfriend. He didn't look sorry. "Sage, Rileys all alone. Why don't we let her tag along?"

Rileys eyes widened. Fake surprise.

"Oh my god! The wifey is here! I didn't even see you." She hissed through her teeth, a mock wince. "You aren't mad, are you? Ben and I are just bros. Honestly, you don't need to be jealous over every little thing."

I hadn't said a word, yet somehow I was already the villain.

I smiled. Calm. Unbothered.

"It's fine. I know you struggle to get along with other women. You can hang with us."

Rileys face twitched. She caught the shade.

Bennett? Completely over his head. He beamed at me, probably thinking I was the most understanding girlfriend on the planet.

We got to the Ferris wheel. The pods only seated two.

Riley didn't hesitate. She linked arms with Bennett and dragged him into a pod, chattering the whole time.

Once they were seated, she looked back at me through the open door. A mask of apology. "Oops! Sorry, wifey! We were just deep in conversation." She slapped her forehead. "Tell you what, you can ride with Ben next time, okay?"

Bennett looked torn for exactly one second. "Don't be mad, Sage. I'll make it up to you after."

The doors closed. The wheel began to turn, lifting them into the night sky.

I watched them go.

Tsk.

What a hassle.

I didn't expect my first relationship to die this fast.

I stood there, looking at the spinning wheel, and realized something: I didn't even like Bennett that much anymore.

Lexis voice looped in my head like a Spotify track.

Don't try to change a man. If hes not acting right, replace him.

So, I found the second one.

Chapter 4

After the amusement park disaster, I ghosted Bennett.

I didn't block him. I just stopped existing in his direction.

Instead, I let Lexi drag me to a club.

It was my first time. The bass thumped in my chest, and the air smelled like expensive cologne and bad decisions.

That was where I found Number Two.

Ryker.

He was beautiful.

He stood on the small stage, a guitar slung over his shoulder, bathed in purple light. A halo of golden curls framed his face. When he sang, the girls in the front row screamed like they were at a stadium tour.

Lexi sipped her drink, unimpressed. "See that? That is the target. Pretty. Talented. A trophy you can show off."

I pulled out my mental notebook and scribbled that down.

Unfortunately, the music was too loud, so I missed her next sentence:

But guys like that? Only for fun. He belongs to the streets.

When the set ended, I intercepted Ryker before he could leave the stage. I asked for his number.

He paused, looking me up and down. "You look like a good girl," he laughed, a lazy, charming sound. "What are you doing in a place like this?"

He had good instincts.

But Lexi said love was mysterious. Why couldn't a good girl find love in a dive bar?

I got the number.

I texted Ryker every day.

Good morning. Good night. Its cold, wear a jacket. Its hot, drink water.

I didn't act like a girlfriend. I acted like a personal assistant. Or a mother.

Ryker, surprisingly, was into it.

We started dating.

I spent all my free time with him. Ryker seemed to have infinite free timeand infinite money. He covered all my expenses. His favorite hobby was dragging me to the mall and swiping his card.

But there was a catch.

Ryker knew everyone. Especially at the club.

Whenever he walked me in, half the room high-fived him. The other half stared at me. And not all of those stares were friendly.

"Oh, look who's got a girlfriend."

Vera.

She had fire-engine red hair and a cigarette between her fingers. She looked at me and exhaled a long, thin plume of smoke.

Ryker grinned, draping his arm heavy around my shoulders. "What's wrong, Vera? You jealous?"

Vera rolled her eyes, but the corner of her mouth twitched up. "Fuck off. If I were jealous of you, I'd have died of acidity poisoning years ago."

Her gaze raked over me, sharp and assessing. She let out a scoff. "A good girl? Seriously? Your taste has changed, Ryker."

Ryker squeezed my shoulder. "I got sick of the heavy, spicy junk food," he said, looking at her, then back at me. "Figured I'd try a salad. Clean eating is good for you."

He turned his smile on me. It didn't reach his eyes.

"Sage is great. She never gets jealous. Right, babe?"

Chapter 5

I gave him the same smile I used on Bennett. Gentle. Composed. "Yeah. I'm glad you're so popular."

Vera rolled her eyes. She shoved her phone under Rykers nose. "My girls want your number. You adding them?"

Ryker didn't move. He turned his head, locking eyes with me. "What do you think, Sage? Should I add them?"

I paused. Lexi hadn't covered this scenario in the handbook.

When I didn't understand the assignment, I usually just went with a vague default.

I blinked. "Sure. Whatever you want."

My face was a mask of perfect innocence. My tone was light.

But for some reason?

Ryker looked like he wanted to punch a wall.

His jaw tightened. He snatched his phone out, tapped the screen aggressively to add the contacts, and shoved it back in his pocket.

Vera looked at me with even more disdain. She tossed her cigarette butt on the floor and crushed it with her heel. "Pfft. And here I thought you found 'True Love'. Guess not."

Ryker didn't say a word. He drove me back to campus in a silence that was screaming for attention.

I didn't get it. So I went to the Oracle.

Lexi.

She was squeezing into a micro-dress and fixing her lipstick. When I told her the story, she laughed so hard she almost smeared it.

"You idiot! That man is a walking red flag! You need to check his phone. ASAP. If he's trash, do not engage. Do not ask for closure. Just evacuate." She pressed her lips together to blend the color. "Your time is luxury, Sage. Don't spend it on cheap men."

She turned to me, dead serious.

"Sage, a man can be a 'bad boy'. But he cannot be a piece of shit. There's a difference. You remember the rule?"

I nodded dutifully. "If he's not acting right, replace him."

"Exactly." She sighed, relieved. "Just don't get attached. Don't be a fool for love. If there's a glitch, you reboot."

She really overestimated me.

She even thinks Im capable of being a simp. What a triumph.

Chapter 6

The next time Ryker dragged me to the club, I went in with a mission.

Lexis instructions were running on a loop in my brain.

Ryker was a lightweight. Or maybe he just loved the attention too much to say no to a free shot. With a face like his, the drinksand the girls throwing themselves at himnever stopped coming.

Eventually, he got sloppy.

While he was slurring his way through a conversation with a hot brunette at the next tablehis arm draped heavily over her chairI made my move.

I swiped his phone off the table.

His passcode was a joke. I might be clueless about romance, but Im a genius at pattern recognition.

I opened his DMs.

I scrolled for five minutes.

Then, very carefully, I slid the phone back onto the sticky table.

Bleach.

I need bleach for my eyes.

The sheer volume of sexts, nudes, and cringy pickup lines was bottomless. The man wasn't just cheating; he was running a call center for side pieces.

I finally understood Lexis advice on a spiritual level.

If he's trash, don't ask why. Just take out the garbage.

We walked out of the club a few minutes later. The night air was cool.

I tugged on Ryker's sleeve before he could call an Uber.

He stopped, swaying slightly, and looked down at me with glazed eyes. "What's up? Look, if this is about inside, I was just being friendly. Don't be crazy."

I nodded.

Then, with the same tone Id use to order a coffee, I said, "Ryker, I don't think we should hang out anymore."

That sobered him up fast.

His brows snapped together. "What does that mean? Is this because I added that girl's number? Or because I was drinking with them?"

I shook my head. Explaining felt like too much work.

"I just don't like how you act. You do you. I'll do me."

Besides, I hate this club. The acoustics are terrible.

Ryker let out a sharp, angry laugh. "Are you serious, Sage? You met me in a club. We're all here to hook up and get wasted. Stop acting like a nun."

Wow.

Lexi was right. Trash really does stick to your shoe.

"Whatever you say."

I didn't wait for a response. I flagged down a passing yellow cab, jumped in, and slammed the door.

Relationship Number Two: Terminated.

I sighed, watching the city lights blur past the window. A sense of loss washed over me.

Now, where was I supposed to find Number Three?

Chapter 7

Maybe the universe was finally throwing me a bone.

The senior girls organized a mixer. A karaoke night.

I sat in the corner of the private room, clutching a soda bottle like a lifeline. My eyes scanned the room, filtering every man present through Lexis rigorous checklist.

Then, I saw him.

He was holding the microphone. Tall. Legs for days. Face like a sculpture.

Montgomery.

I knew him. Or rather, I knew of him. On the way here, the girls couldn't stop whispering his name. He was campus royalty.

But unlike the others, he was cold. Distant. He didn't have a loud entourage, and crucially, he didn't have a gaggle of "pick-mes" hanging off his neck.

I did the math.

No female best friend (Bennetts fatal flaw).

No party-boy reputation (Rykers fatal flaw).

I decided to strike.

But first, recon. I needed to be sure.

For the entire night, I tracked Montgomerys movements like a federal agent.

He sang; I watched.

He went to the bathroom; I followed him to the hallway.

He stepped out for fresh air; I lurked in the shadows.

Apparently, my stealth mode needs work.

He caught me outside the booth.

He leaned against the wall, staring at me with zero expression. "Is there a reason you've been tailing me all night?"

I grinned at him. "You're really good-looking. Can I have your number?"

Montgomery let out a short, dry laugh. "Lots of people are good-looking. You going to collect them all like Pokmon?"

That was actually a solid point.

But Id already collected two, and the return on investment had been terrible.

I ignored his sarcasm and went straight to the vetting process. "Do you have a girl best friend?"

Montgomery looked confused. He shook his head. "No."

Green flag.

My smile widened. "Do you like going to clubs and collecting random girls' phone numbers?"

"No," he said, frowning now. "What is this? An interrogation?"

I flashed him a dazzling, eight-tooth smile. I held up my phone, eyes shining with sincerity. "Then you are exactly what I'm looking for!"

Chapter 8

Montgomery laughed at my answer. A genuine, amused sound. He was smarter than me, that was for sure. "What happened? Get your heart broken by your last boyfriend?"

"Something like that," I mumbled, rubbing my nose.

I got the number.

But his question lingered. "Last" boyfriend? Do they come in shifts? Is there a schedule?

Id have to ask Lexi about the logistics later.

Montgomery and I clicked. It was effortless.

We liked the same movies. We read the same books. We both had a thing for musicals, overpriced tea, and that sketchy hole-in-the-wall hot pot spot that probably violated three different health codes.

He was patient. He was generous.

If I glanced at a bag too long, he bought it. He took me to a workshop to make silver rings. He took hundreds of photos of me without complaining.

We were so compatible it was almost boring.

After our tenth date at the hot pot spot, we were walking back to campus. The air was crisp.

Montgomery reached out and took my hand. "Sage, why don't we give this a real shot? Let's be official."

I wasn't entirely sure what "trying" entailed, but I had faith in him.

"Okay."

But of course, there was a catch.

Montgomery disappeared on weekends.

Every Friday night to Sunday morning, he went dark. No texts. No calls. His phone might as well have been at the bottom of the ocean.

I was curious, but I lacked the field experience to interpret the data.

So, I went to the Oracle.

Lexi was lying on a chaise lounge, a sheet mask plastered to her face. She listened to my report, her eyes narrowing through the eyeholes. "Are you sure you're the only girlfriend, Sage?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's weird," she mumbled, trying not to move her jaw too much. "Who vanishes for two days straight? Batman?"

"Good point," I said, nodding. "So what's the diagnosis?"

Lexi scoffed. "He probably has a second girlfriend. Or a wife." She clapped her hands slowly. "Congrats, Sage. You pulled the 'Secret Rare' from the gacha machine."

I sat on my little stool and sighed. "So what do I do? Check his phone again?"

Lexi bolted upright. The sudden movement made her sheet mask peel off and slap onto her chest.

"No!" She looked wild. "Phone checking is amateur hour! You can't find anything if he deletes it. This calls for a field op. You have to stalk him. Find out where he goes. Thats how you get the truth."

I looked at her, eyes wide. "That makes so much sense."

Chapter 9

Stalking is an art form.

And like any high-stakes covert operation, the key is blending in.

I went full incognito. Oversized hoodie, baseball cap pulled low, black face mask. I looked less like a student and more like a celebrity trying to avoid a scandal. Or a burglar.

Sunday. 0700 hours.

I staked out Montgomery's dorm.

He exited the building right on schedule.

0730 hours.

He stopped at a diner off-campus for a basket of soup dumplings. I watched from behind a newspaper I wasn't reading.

0800 hours.

He called an Uber. Destination: The Airport.

I followed in a separate cab, my mind racing. Who goes to the airport every Sunday? Is he a drug mule? Is he picking up a secret wife?

I hid in the parking garage shadows, watching him.

He didn't pick anyone up. He didn't fly anywhere.

He just stood at Arrivals for four hours, watching the automatic doors open and close. He looked like a lost puppy waiting for an owner who was never coming back.

1200 hours.

Shoulders slumped, he left the airport.

He took another Uber to a sketchy part of town and ducked into a tiny, run-down noodle shop. A total hole-in-the-wall.

I slipped in after him and sat three tables back.

He ordered two servings of rice noodles. One for him. One for the empty seat across from him.

He didn't touch the second bowl. He just stared at it while he ate his own in silence.

I ordered a bowl for myself.

One sip of the broth, and I was furious.

This stuff is liquid gold.

Seriously? The betrayal. Ive been dating this man for weeks, and hes been gatekeeping the best pho in the city? Hes eating this Michelin-star quality food without me?

I slurped my noodles aggressively. Strike three, Montgomery.

1300 hours.

He went to the campus library. He pulled a thick, leather-bound book out of his bag and started flipping through it.

I crept closer, hiding behind a stack of biographies.

When he got up to use the bathroom, I made my move.

I sprinted to his table, flipped the book open, and snapped a picture.

Click.

I retreated to the safety of the shelves and analyzed the intel.

It was a scrapbook. Handmade. Dedicated to a girl named Beatrice.

She was the textbook definition of "The One That Got Away." Long, straight black hair. Wispy bangs. White sundress. A shy, ethereal smile.

The pages were a timeline of pain.

Childhood inside jokes.

High school prom photos.

College missed connections.

And the final page?

A wedding photo.

Beatrice. Getting married. In Europe. To someone else.

I lay face down on Lexi's bed, groaning into her pillow. "I quit, Lexi. I'm retiring from the dating game. I'm clearly not built for this."

Lexi laughed, peeling a cucumber slice off her eye. She snatched my phone to look at the photo of the scrapbook. "Oh, honey. Drama."

She tossed the phone back to me.

"Look, as long as men breathe, they're going to be disappointing. That's just biology."

She sat up, checking her nails.

"Stop looking for 'The One' and start looking for 'The One for Right Now.' Men are just accessories, Sage. Like a handbag. If a purse is ugly or it's too heavy to carry? You don't cry about it."

She smirked.

"You just buy a new one."

I lifted my head from the pillow. My brain processed the logic.

Men = Accessories. Don't catch feelings. Just accessorize.

"You're so right."

I sat up, eyes blazing with renewed determination.

Sage is back in the game.

Chapter 10

Just as I was pivoting to scout for Boyfriend Number Four, I got caught.

The Department of Literature decided to host a "Reading Share" event. Since Im the top studentand apparently the face of academic excellenceI was "volunteered" to be the keynote speaker.

I thought it would be a small gathering.

I was wrong.

The auditorium was packed.

Standing backstage, my vision started to spot with black dots. I was nervous. But only a little.

Lexi was next to me, checking her makeup in a compact mirror. She didn't look worried at all. "What are you shaking for? You've been giving speeches since elementary school."

She snapped the compact shut.

"Don't let them intimidate you. They're just NPCs. Background extras."

NPCs.

I took a deep breath. Lexi was right. They were just pixels.

My heart rate slowed down.

I walked onto the stage.

I scanned the sea of faces, delivering my lines perfectly. Then, I saw him.

Bennett.

He was sitting in the middle row, staring at me with a look that could curdle milk. Pure gloom.

Weird.

Shouldn't he be busy hanging out with his "girl best friend"? Why was he looking at me like I was his nemesis?

I finished the speech, keeping Lexis golden rule in mind: Do not engage with trash.

But Lexi never told me what to do when the trash chases you.

The moment the event ended, Bennett cornered me in the hallway.

He blocked my path, arms crossed over his chest, scowling. "Sage. Why haven't you replied to a single text? Are you trying to break up with me?"

Break up?

I froze.

Oh right.

I forgot to actually dump him.

I looked at him and nodded agreeably. "Sure. Whatever works for you."

I tried to step around him. Question answered. Transaction complete.

But Bennett wasn't done. He grabbed my wrist, hard. "Don't walk away! Sage, listen to me. I can explain! I blocked Riley. Deleted her number. We aren't going to see each other anymore!"

I looked at his hand on my wrist, then up at his frantic face. "Oh. Okay. Cool."

Bennett stared at me, baffled. "How can you be this calm?"

I stood there, letting him hold my arm because wrestling him off seemed like too much effort. "Why should I be upset? That's your business, not mine."

Hes a mess. I just need to filter him out. Why would I waste energy trying to fix him?

Lexi said it best: Don't try to change a man.

Bennett's stunned silence lasted two seconds before he let out a frustrated laugh. I could practically hear his teeth grinding. "Why? Is this still about Riley? Sage, I swear we never crossed the line. If you were jealous, you should have just told me!"

I looked at him with wide, innocent eyes.

This man was fascinatingly illogical.

He knew a girlfriend would be upset by his behavior. He did it anyway. And now hes mad that I didn't scream at him to stop?

"I wasn't jealous," I said, my voice soft and airy. "What you do is up to you. I would never try to change you, Bennett."

Bennett looked like he wanted to scream. "But we're dating! We're a couple! How can you be so indifferent?!"

"I'm not indifferent."

I smiled, my eyes crinkling at the corners. The picture of politeness.

"I just don't get angry at people who aren't worth it. Anyway, I have to go."

I gave him a polite little wave and walked away.

I glanced back once. Bennett was standing there, looking absolutely heartbroken.

Weird.

Why is he sad? I gave him exactly what he wantedtotal freedom.

Men are so confusing.

Chapter 11

I don't know who has that much free time, but someone snapped photos of Bennett and me and posted them on the campus gossip forum.

The thread blew up.

It hit the "Hot" list within hours. Strangers were dissecting the "tortured love triangle" between me, Bennett, and Riley with the enthusiasm of true crime podcasters.

The noise got so loud that it eventually reached Montgomery.

I didn't know that yet, though.

I was busy leaving a mixer, feeling thoroughly underwhelmed.

There were plenty of guys there, sure. But they were mid. None of them had the visual impact of my Top Three.

As I walked out of the venue, I spotted a familiar figure leaning against a streetlamp.

Montgomery.

Even in the dim yellow light, he was breathtaking.

But he didn't look happy. When he saw me, his expression darkened. He marched over, cutting off my path. "Sage. Why aren't you answering my texts? Did something happen?"

I looked at him. I felt a little pang of regret.

He really was pretty. It was a shame to let this one go.

"Nothing happened," I said, honest as always. "I just came to a mixer."

Montgomerys face froze. He looked at me like Id just spoken in tongues. "We are dating, Sage. Why are you at a singles mixer?"

Right. We were dating.

I sighed, shaking my head with genuine sympathy. "We were together, yes. But unfortunately, you've been eliminated."

Montgomery blinked. "Eliminated? What does that even mean?"

"Look," I said, trapped. I decided to just give him the data. "I know you're still in love with someone else. I can't change you, and I don't want to fix you. So, I have to leave you."

His face went through three different emotions before settling on panic. The color drained from his cheeks. "No Sage, that was a long time ago. I'm serious about us. I'm focused on you."

"Then you shouldn't be holding a weekly vigil for her."

I looked at him, feeling incredibly innocent.

"It's just not right. You don't meet the operational standards for a boyfriend anymore."

Montgomery grabbed my wrist. His grip was desperate. "Wait! I can explain. I'll throw the book away! I'll burn it!"

He was talking fast, words tumbling over each other.

"Sage, please. At the beginning, maybe I was adjusting, but we fit together. You know we do. I want to be with you. Properly. I promise this will never happen again."

I thought about it for a second.

Then, I firmly peeled his fingers off my arm.

"Sorry. Your credit score with me is zero. You're bankrupt."

I turned to leave, then paused. A thought occurred to me.

"Oh, right. Did you want to break up, too? That works for me."

I didn't wait for an answer. I spotted a cab, dove into the backseat, and slammed the door before he could start begging again.

Lexi was right. Mens promises are just noise. Barking dogs.

As the taxi pulled away, I didn't see Montgomery standing on the curb, his brain snagging on a single word.

"Too?"

He stared at the taillights, furious confusion rising in his chest.

"Who else is she breaking up with