Psycho Immunity: Wrecking the Entitled Neighbors

Bang! Bang! Bang!

My heavy steel front door shuddered.

Through the peephole, a red-faced man I'd never met was screaming his lungs out, pounding the metal like a maniac.

Exactly five minutes ago, this freak of a neighbora guy named Todd I had never even crossed paths withdropped a wedding announcement into the building's group chat.

[My son is getting married next week. Every household is required to give a ten-thousand-dollar wedding gift. Those of you driving million-dollar supercars, fill up your tanks and show up to be our free chauffeured escort.]

[All the hot, single women in the building, DM me your photos. I'll personally select two of you to be bridesmaids.]

I didn't hesitate. My thumbs flew across the glass screen, dropping a single reply into the thread:

[Being delusional isn't a superpower.]

Chapter 1

Thump! Thump! Thump!

The next second, the heavy pounding against my front door rattled the hinges.

Through the security camera feed on my phone, I watched Toddthe middle-aged maniac from the group chathammering his fists against the reinforced steel. He looked unhinged.

"Open up! Why did you decline my friend request?" he barked. "Hurry up and send the money! You're the only holdout in the entire building!"

The audacity. The reinforced steel door didn't have shit on the thickness of this guy's skull.

This was a luxury high-rise. Maybe the other wealthy tenants didn't care about throwing away ten grand just to keep the peace, but I wasn't about to coddle a full-grown toddler.

I tapped the microphone icon on my smart lock app, letting my voice drip with heavy sarcasm. "Ten thousand is still too little. I'll give you a hundred thousand, and throw in a brand new Porsche, how about that?"

Todd's eyes lit up through the grainy camera feed. "Deal! But I want that black Mercedes you've been driving lately. You can keep that cheap white Volkswagen."

I pulled up his profile in the building's chat and accepted his request. "Just sent it. Don't forget to claim it."

"That's more like it. Consider yourself forgiWhat the fuck! You sent me a GIF!" His roar echoed through the hallway.

I leaned into the microphone. "Sigh don't you know transfer apps max out at two thousand a pop? Did someone actually mistake a funny GIF for a real check?"

"Get the hell out here! You promised! You owe me that hundred grand today, and the car!" He was practically vibrating, his knuckles turning white against the doorframe.

I let out a dry laugh at the sheer, unadulterated entitlement. Without another word to him, I swiped out of the lock app and texted 911.

"Alright, alright. I'm actually sending it this time," I purred into the mic. "Five transfers of twenty grand there, perfect."

"Fuck! It's another goddamn GIF!"

I leaned against the door, clutching my stomach as I wheezed with laughter. I'd always heard that some people only blended into society because they weren't quite dumb enough to be institutionalized. Today proved it.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Todd kept assaulting the metal door, screaming demands for his cash.

I didn't even know the guy. What the hell did his son's wedding have to do with me? I ignored the tantrum echoing in the hall and waited peacefully for the cops.

"Officer! There's a scammer in here refusing to pay up!" Todd's voice suddenly shifted, like a drowning man spotting a lifeboat.

"Didn't a woman call this in?" The cop's brow furrowed.

I yanked the deadbolt back and swung the door open before Todd could spin his web of bullshit. "I'm the one who called."

Chapter 2

I laid out the entire ridiculous saga for the officers. The two cops exchanged a look of sheer disbelief.

Todd rubbed his hands together, puffing out his chest as if he held the moral high ground. "Officer, we're all neighbors in the same block, so what's wrong with inviting everyone to a party to share some good luck? Besides, I gave her advance notice, she owes me that money. She even promised me a hundred grand and a car, doesn't that mean she legally owes me?"

The cop's eye twitched. He shifted his weight, his expression hardening. "It's past eleven."

"You're disturbing the peace. And as for this 'gift'she doesn't even know you. She has zero obligation to fund your son's wedding."

After shutting Todd down, the officer turned to me. "Ma'am, if he pulls anything like this again, call us immediately."

I gave a firm nod.

"Do not harass anyone else over this. Am I clear?" The cop pointed a stern finger at Todd before turning on his heel and heading for the elevator.

Todd glared at me, his face turning a blotchy purple. "You're gonna regret this."

A little while later, just as I was drifting off, a violent thudding erupted from the ceiling. It sounded like someone was repeatedly dropping a bowling ball while doing jumping jacks.

So, the lunatic lived directly above me.

My phone buzzed.

[Learned your lesson yet? Hand over the cash and the car, or you're never sleeping again.]

I threw off the covers. I dragged out a cardboard box and some leftover acoustic foam, wrapping my brand new Bluetooth speaker in three thick layers until only the main output grille was exposed.

I stacked a few heavy storage bins and wedged my makeshift contraption tight against the ceiling. The setup was perfectit insulated the noise from the rest of the building, guaranteeing the assholes upstairs got an exclusive, front-row concert.

I pulled up my music app and set a heavy death metal playlist on an endless, ear-bleeding loop.

Two minutes later, my screen lit up with a notification. It was a sixty-second voice memo from Toddthe app's recording limit, clearly not his.

[Are you out of your fucking mind? I]

I calmly tapped the volume up button one more notch. Then, I shoved in a pair of silicone earplugs, blocked out the digital temper tantrum, and slipped into a peaceful, deeply satisfying sleep.

The next morning, I bumped into the girl from across the hall while waiting for the elevator. She looked about my age.

"Are you okay?" She gave me a look loaded with pity. "The people upstairs are a total nightmare."

"Don't tell me you"

"It's not just me. Everyone in this building avoids him like the plague," she said, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Wait, did you guys actually pay him?"

"This is a luxury building. Some people just tossed him the cash to make him go away. Most of us are just too exhausted to fight back."

She let out a long sigh. "Their tactics are vile. Even the cops can't really do anything about them."

She introduced herself as Maisie. She'd been living here for a year. The guy trying to bash my door in last night was Todd, and his wife's name was Charlene.

"They are absolute trash. You have no idea back when they first moved in" Maisie's face flushed. She pulled out her phone and scrolled aggressively through her message history.

It was a text from Todd.

[Hey there! I'm your new neighbor in 801. Moved in yesterday. Let's look out for each other.]

Maisie had replied, keeping it perfectly polite.

[Welcome! Good to have you here.]

[We're hosting a backyard BBQ party tomorrow to celebrate. You're invited! Entry fee is five hundred bucks a head.]

Todd didn't miss a beat. Naturally, Maisie had ignored the grift.

Chapter 3

Todd and his family had terrorized Maisie for an entire week. They dumped rotting garbage on her welcome mat, ambushed her at the lobby doors, and actually stalked her on her commute.

"I live alone. I was terrified." Maisie offered a hollow, defeated smile. "I ended up paying them."

She wasn't the only casualty. Plenty of other tenants had caved to the relentless harassment just to buy some peace.

On the day of their so-called barbecue, they dragged everybody down to the courtyard lawn and served up a spread of day-old cold pizza and discount hot dogs. The kicker? They packed fourteen people around a folding table with barely enough scraps for six. Todd's excuse was that eating light was good for the heart.

"That is next-level unhinged." I patted her arm. "Don't sweat it, Maisie. I've got this."

Ding. The elevator doors slid open.

Maisie gasped, shrinking back behind my shoulder.

Blocking the threshold was Todd. Next to him stood a middle-aged woman radiating Karen energyhis wife, Charlene.

"Got you, you lying piece of trash!" Todd jabbed a thick finger at my face.

"Listen up, you little tramp!" Charlene planted her hands on her hips, her eyes practically bugging out of her skull.

"You're handing over the cash and those car keys right now, or you're not going anywhere! We told you our boy is getting married, where are your manners?"

Charlene spat, looking me up and down with disgust. "Such a pretty face, wasted; a girl your age affording a place like this, God knows how many men you had to sleep with to pay the rent."

Trash really did attract trash. They were a match made in hell.

I waved a hand in front of my face, pinching my nose. "Wow. I was wondering why the city sewers were empty this morning."

"Turns out the raw sewage is just spilling out of your mouth. Do you ever brush your teeth?"

Todd lunged forward. "Don't you dare talk to my wife like that!"

"I'll talk to her however I want, and you're next on the list." I took a step forward, closing the distance.

"What kind of delusional freak are you, thinking just because you demand something, I have to hand it over? If you march up to the White House tomorrow, is the President going to hand you the keys to the Pentagon?"

"If you're mentally ill, go check yourself into a psych ward; don't bother me, I'm not a fucking psychiatrist."

Getting that out of my system felt fantastic.

Todd choked on his own rage. He threw his hands out, lunging to grab a fistful of my hair.

I ducked beneath his reach, driving the stiletto heel of my shoe straight down into the bridge of his foot with every ounce of my weight.

A wet crunch.

Todd let out a high-pitched, pig-like squeal that echoed off the metal elevator walls.

"She's killing him! I'm calling the cops!" Charlene shrieked, frantically digging for her phone.

The police arrived minutes later and pulled the lobby security footage. It showed, in pristine HD, Todd trapping me in the elevator and initiating the physical assault.

Todd and Charlene didn't get their way. Instead, the officers slapped them with heavy misdemeanor citations on the spot, issuing a severe warning that they had to maintain a strict fifty-foot restraining distance from me.

"Sorry," Todd hissed through gritted teeth, still clutching his bruised foot.

I didn't even blink at him. I grabbed Maisie's wrist and brushed right past them, head held high.

Catching the toxic glare in their eyes, I knew immediately: this wasn't over.

My instincts were dead on. Just after dinner, Todd was back.

"Unit 701! We don't want the cash or the car anymore!" he announced through the door, forcing a hearty, neighborly tone.

What fresh hell were they plotting now?

Chapter 4

"Look, we're not asking for the cash or the car anymore. We just saved you a massive amount of money."

"And?" I asked through the door.

"So, you have to be a bridesmaid at the wedding. Oh, and our relatives are flying in next week."

"Your apartment is huge, and it's a total waste for one person. You need to let our family stay here."

"They hate being around strangers, so you can just go book a hotel somewhere," Charlene chimed in.

"Why the hell would I be your bridesmaid? And why on earth would I give up my apartment for your family?"

"We're neighbors! What's wrong with helping out?" Todd demanded, his chest puffed out. "Besides, hotels are expensive!"

"Who gave you the nerve? Are you brain-damaged or just hallucinating?" A sharp, incredulous laugh ripped from my throat.

"What is your problem? We're being incredibly generous here!"

"We only asked you to be a bridesmaid because you're decent-looking, most girls wouldn't even get the chance! Whatever, we'll take the hit. Here's a ten-dollar bill, go buy yourself a Starbucks."

"Ten bucks?" I stared at the door, speechless at the audacity.

"You young people are so obsessed with money. A wedding is about good vibes, not turning a profit!" Todd lamented, clutching his chest like he was the victim.

"Get lost before I call the cops again." I delivered the eviction notice cold and hard.

Never argue with idiots. They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

"You little snitch! All you do is call the cops!" Todd recoiled, the color draining from his face.

"I don't care! Our relatives arrive in two days. You are giving up this apartment, or you're gonna regret it!"

He threw the threat over his shoulder as he practically dragged Charlene down the hall in retreat.

I pressed the phone to my ear. "Hey, Auntie, it's me. Jace is on spring break, right? Let him come stay with me for a few days."

Threaten me? Try to steal my apartment? Fine. Time to deploy the nuclear option.

Jace was my cousin. Eighteen years old. Unlike other guys his age, he had a documented, severe case of intermittent explosive disorder. Clinically speaking, the kid was a certified psycho.

Let's see what kind of sick games Todd and his circus of a family wanted to play now.

The trouble started the exact day I picked Jace up. Coming back to the apartment building from the airport, the smart lock rejected my passcode.

The digital screen flashed a red warning:

[Please try again in 24 hours.]

I pulled up the camera feed on my phone. A shady guy in a surgical mask had spent five solid minutes mashing random buttons on my keypad to trigger the security lockout. Despite the mask, the greasy posture was unmistakable. It was Todd.

I grabbed Jace's sleeve and marched straight up to 801.

"Did you tamper with my lock?"

"Don't go throwing wild accusations around." Todd cracked the door, a smug, oily grin plastered across his face.

"What's the matter? Locked out? Like I told you, just go book a hotel."

"Who knows, maybe your lock will keep 'malfunctioning' every single day."

Watching him deny it to my face, I ground my teeth together. "I'll let it slide this once. But do not let there be a next time."

Todd's smirk widened, clearly thinking I was backing down. "Man, we're still short a bridesmaid for the wedding. And those relatives are arriving in two days. If only some generous soul would offer up their apartment"

"Let it go, Todd," I cut him off, my tone absolute ice. "I am never going to be your bridesmaid, and I am sure as hell never handing over my keys."

The smirk vanished. His face hardened into a scowl.

"So there's no room for negotiation? Don't say I didn't warn you! Make sure you book that hotel for a full month!"

He sneered, turning away and moving to slam the door in my face.

Chapter 5

Jace slammed his palm flat against the door panel, stopping it dead.

"Get the hell out! Who is this little psycho?" Todd roared, straining against the unmoving wood.

Negotiations were officially over. I had given them an easy out, and they mistook it for weakness.

Jace's disorder meant his fuse was practically nonexistent. And if someone specifically targeted me? That fuse was already lit.

Smash! Jace shoved the door wide open, sending Todd flying backward into the entryway.

In a blur of motion, he dropped his weight and pinned Todd hard to the floorboards.

"Who the fuck did you just tell to get out?" Jace demanded.

Jace was a great kid. A fiercely loyal family member. He never lashed out at the people he cared about. He saved all his explosive energy entirely for bullies.

Idiots used to call him a psycho as an insult. They never expected him to actually go get a clinical diagnosis. Now, it was the worst possible thing that could have happened to his enemies.

"Ahhh! Let go of me! I'm calling the cops!" Todd's pathetic shriek yanked me back to the present.

Hearing the commotion, Charlene and her son, Brody, scrambled out of the back bedroom. They grabbed whatever was in reach, lunging forward to attack Jace.

I literally covered my eyes. Instead of surrendering, these morons were actually trying to fight back.

Oh, God. They had just poured gasoline on the fire.

A series of dull, sickening thuds echoed through the apartment.

Moments later, Todd's entire family lay groaning haphazardly across the floor. Jace stood over them, casually gripping a blood-stained baseball bat, looking like the god of death himself.

It was probably morally wrong, but watching it happen triggered a massive spike of dopamine. It felt euphoric.

"You you're dead! I'm calling the police you're going to prison!" Todd wheezed from the floor, clutching his side.

My cue. I cleared my throat and stepped over the threshold.

"Take a look at this." I reached into my bag and pulled out my get-out-of-jail-free carda legally binding medical exemption certificate for severe intermittent explosive disorder.

"See this? The guy who just beat the crap out of you is clinically insane."

"Legally speaking, he could do a lot worse than break your ribs, and he still wouldn't see the inside of a cell."

Jace flashed a feral, blood-chilling grin right on cue.

"Go ahead. Call 911. They'll hold him for twenty-four hours tops