The Mother Who Sabotaged My Future for 20 Years,Now She's Begging Me to Forgive Her

The day I passed the federal civil service exam and finally landed the job, my mother walked the background-check team straight through our front door.

Government's so generous these days, she said sweetly. Her father killed a man, and she can still become a federal employee.

The tea canister slipped from my hands and shattered. "Mom, what are you talking about?"

She sighed and patted the back of my hand.

"Don't you worry. Your father's crimes aren't your fault."

"Besides, even if you used to steal and sneak around as a kid, and sleep around so much you had more than ten abortions, the agency will still give you a chance to turn your life around, as long as you own up to it."

Every member of the background-check team went stone-faced.

My mother clapped a hand over her mouth and shrank her neck in mock terror.

"Silvia, don't be angry. Mommy's just not used to lying, so it slipped out. Once they leave, you can hit me, all right? I promise I won't fight back."

The team shifted to shield her behind them, watching me with grave expressions.

"Silvia Henson, is any of this true, what your mother is saying?"

I looked past the cluster of people.

I found my mother tucked behind them, smiling that innocent, smug little smile, and I nodded, calm as still water.

I only hoped she'd still be smiling this brightly once the investigation was over.

The team leader, Paddy Lambert, pulled my file from his bag and read it through, twice over.

"Silvia, your file says your father was a long-haul truck driver before he passed."

"I'd like an honest answer. Was he a murderer?"

Before I could open my mouth, my mother jumped in ahead of me.

"If my husband hadn't crashed that truck, my little brother wouldn't have died for nothing."

"So yes. He was a murderer."

Paddy shot her a hard look.

"That's nonsense. An accident is an accident. You don't get to slap a label like that on someone."

"You're this girl's own mother. Watch what you say, and stand behind it."

My mother muttered under her breath.

"A living, breathing person died, and it was my husband who got him kill"

Paddy cut her off, his patience gone.

"Silvia ranked first in both the written exam and the interview. Every record we have shows she's a model student in academics and character."

"This concerns her background check. I'll ask you not to throw around wild accusations."

My mother gave him a sheepish little glance.

"Director Lambert, I'm not throwing around anything."

"Silvia here, she's got one fine quality, that brain of hers. Sharp as a tack. You never catch her studying, but she comes in first in her whole class, every single time."

"And you know how it is. A student who tests well, every teacher coddles her, spoils her rotten."

She was only half right. The top of the class part was true.

But I'd earned it through brutal, grinding effort.

To stop me from studying, she'd ripped out every wire in my room.

Every night, after she'd fallen asleep, I'd hide under the blanket and study by flashlight.

It actually trained my memory to be lightning quick. A blessing buried in the curse, I suppose.

Her gaze flicked toward me, casual on the surface.

She was watching to see exactly when she'd finally drive me over the edge.

But I only poured a calm cup of tea for every member of the team.

When she saw I wasn't reacting at all, her eyes rolled around and she fell back on the same old tricks.

"Every teacher she's ever had treated her wonderfully. So wonderfully it shamed me, her own mother."

"She stole money from classmates, skipped class to brawl, ran around with boys, lost more than one pregnancy, and it was always the teachers cleaning up her messes."

"Pretty face, so they always picked her as the school's poster girl. When a school wants to package a student, of course they only say the flattering things."

Paddy slammed the file down on the table, furious.

"This is absolute nonsense!"

My mother's hand froze around her cup, and the tea sloshed all over the table.

She scrubbed at the surface with her palm, flustered and panicked.

"I'm so sorry. Did I say something wrong?"

"If anything I say turns out to be wrong, please don't hold it against her."

"I just thought, since she's going into public service, all of this would come out eventually. Better it comes from my own mouth. At least that way she'll keep some semblance of an honest name."

Paddy Lambert turned to me, his face dark as a storm.

"Silvia Henson. Don't you have anything to say for yourself?"

It wasn't that I'd never tried to explain.

Every time, I'd explained until I was hoarse, and every time it only made my mother dig in harder, her lies spiraling further into the absurd.

And yet, no matter how outrageous the story, not one person ever doubted her.

In their eyes, she was my own mother. Surely a mother wouldn't slander her own child.

Just like now. Every gaze in the room pinned me with contempt, as if they wanted to bore holes straight through me.

A heart torn open enough times eventually goes numb.

I pulled over a chair and sat down, unhurried.

No hysterics, the way there used to be. No tearful, frantic denials.

I simply said, calm and even, "My mother is right. I hope you'll look into it thoroughly."

The rest of the background-investigation team had heard enough. They shot to their feet.

"Director Lambert, let's go. There's nothing left to investigate."

"Silvia Henson is morally corrupt. She fails the background check, and she's likely falsified her materials on top of it. We should hand her over to the proper authorities for a full inquiry."

The moment my mother heard the word fails, a flicker of triumph passed through her eyes, almost too faint to catch.

That expression. I knew it far too well.

The day I went to give a speech as the city's outstanding-student representative, she stormed the venue, screaming that I'd stolen money from home.

The night before my SATs, she offered to help me pack my supplies, then tore up my admission ticket like it was scrap paper.

When recruiters from the top universities came to our house, she swore up and down that I looked down on those "garbage schools," until the recruiters turned on their heels and left, furious.

Every single time, she wore that same face.

Smug satisfaction laced with the dark thrill of a plot gone exactly as planned.

I could never make sense of it.

She was the person closest to me in the world.

Why, after my father died, would she stop at nothing to destroy me?

Paddy gave my mother a long, pointed look, then said to me, "Silvia Henson, today's review ends here. We'll continue our investigation afterward."

"Rest assured, this is a serious matter. We need evidence. Empty words count for nothing. We'll be back within two days at the most."

I let out a small breath.

So Paddy wasn't like the others. He wouldn't simply take my mother's word and run with it.

This was a gamble, and I'd bet right.

I nodded at Paddy, and he rose, leading the others toward the door.

That was when my mother dropped to her knees with a thud.

"Everything I just said was a lie! I was trying to ruin her on purpose. I'm not even human!"

"My Silvia is the best of girls, the cleanest soul there is. She's never done a single wrong thing in her whole life. It's all my fault, my poisonous black heart. You can't just leave like this."

"I take it all back. I'm begging you, come back and start the review over. Please, don't let this ruin her future."

Tears and snot smeared across her face, her voice cracking and shot through with panic.

"Silvia, Mommy was confused. Forgive Mommy. I'll never run my mouth again."

"Mommy will lock herself away tonight as punishment. Please don't be angry. I'll go kneel right now to atone"

And all the while, she stole glances to see whether the team had gotten far enough away.

I looked at my mother, and the place where my heart should have been was hollow.

Like something had been carved straight out of me, flesh and blood shredded to nothing.

This was her, always.

She was the one who flung the filth onto me, then turned around and played the innocent, and somehow that only made my supposed disgrace all the more believable.

I felt drained of every ounce of strength. My face blank, I said, "Mom, get up. Everyone's already gone."

My mother's sobbing cut off mid-breath.

She rose to her feet and brushed at dust that wasn't there on her slacks.

"Silvia, don't blame me. I'm only doing what's best for you."

"What's so great about that job? Working yourself to the bone for chump change. Even a dog wouldn't put up with it. Better to marry early and find yourself a man."

"That Lawrence boy, Frank Finch, Carmen Lambert's son, he's a good catch. Honest, obedient, and an only child. Once you marry in, everything that family owns is yours."

I wanted to crack my mother's chest open and see what color her heart really was. Black, or red.

Carmen's son was a halfwit. He couldn't even take care of himself. What decent girl would marry him?

Worse, Carmen had buried herself in debt paying for the boy's treatments.

A pit like that, everyone else ran from it. And my mother wanted to shove me in.

There's a kind of speechlessness that turns into bitter laughter.

There was no telling what new low she'd sink to next.

So I'd play along. Give her what she wanted.

Two more days. I just had to survive two more days, and she'd never be able to run wild again.

I nodded. "Fine. I'll do what you say."

The moment I agreed, her face split into a delighted grin.

"I knew you had your head on straight. Who takes civil service exams anymore? Only an idiot kills themselves over a thankless job."

"I handpicked this man for you out of dozens. Once you marry in, that household answers to you."

"And when you give Frank a son, your Aunt Carmen will wait on you hand and foot, like you're royalty."

I looked at my mother, at that face so certain it was right.

Something lodged in my throat like a thorn. I couldn't swallow it or spit it out, and it stung with every breath, a dull, aching pain.

In all this world, it was supposed to be just the two of us, leaning on each other to get by.

Yet she'd slandered me, smeared me, more than once, and always in front of others.

I saw it clearly now. She was driving me toward the edge.

I turned without a word and shut the bedroom door.

The tears wouldn't stop.

I slid down the back of the door, drew my knees up, buried my face between them, and wrapped my arms tight around myself.

It was the only way I could feel that I was still alive.

In the dead of night, I drifted in a shallow, restless sleep.

Then I felt hands tearing at my dress.

I shot upright with a gasp.

Frank was half-kneeling on my bed, bare-chested.

His eyes were fixed on me, unblinking.

Drool hung from the corner of his mouth as he slurred, "Wife, my mommy told me to sleep with you."

My mind detonated. Everything went white.

This big, hulking man in front of me terrified me for the first time.

On instinct I leapt off the bed and bolted for the door, only to find it locked from the outside.

I pounded on it, screaming until my throat tore. "Mom, open the door! Let me out!"

My mother's voice came through, cold as stone.

"Silvia, you and Frank are getting married sooner or later. Tonight's the perfect chance to bond with him."

"Your Aunt Carmen and I are both waiting to hold our grandbaby."

"Don't worry. Your Aunt Carmen showed Frank some videos. He'll be gentle with you."

I never imagined my mother would stoop this low.

Rage shot straight to my skull, nearly burning through what was left of my mind.

My gut twisted with regret, cold sweat breaking out as I beat on the door again and again.

"Mom, I'm begging you, open the door. Whatever it is, we can talk it out once you open it."

I heard her footsteps walking away.

"I won't bother you two lovebirds. Be a good girl, and I'll let you out tomorrow."

The dead heat of summer, and I felt like I'd been dropped into a block of ice.

The ache in my chest sharpened into something raw and unbearable, every ounce of fury jammed in my throat until I couldn't force out a single word.

Frank had already stripped himself bare.

The instant he lunged at me, I twisted aside and let him crash into empty air.

I didn't hesitate, not even for a heartbeat. I climbed onto the table and threw myself out the window.

When I hit the ground, my balance pitched sideways.

A sharp crack, then white-hot pain exploded through my ankle. It swelled tight and shiny in seconds.

My scream tore through the night, shattering the quiet.

Neighbors woken by the noise pressed against their windows, pointing down at me, voices buzzing all at once.

"Goodness, it's the Henson girl. She jumped."

"She was fine. Why on earth would she jump?"

"I heard that girl's a real piece of work. Who knows what she's up to, pulling a stunt like this."

My hair hung loose and wild, my back drenched, the picture of disgrace.

Thank God we lived on the second floor.

The hedges below had cushioned the fall, so I wasn't in any danger.

But the pain bored straight through me, pinning me where I lay.

My mother leaned out the window and screamed at me, loud enough to flood the whole building with light.

"Silvia Henson, have you lost your mind, you wretched girl? How did I give birth to such an ungrateful little snake?"

"You've humiliated me beyond words. You'd rather throw yourself off a building than stop running around with trash."

"Give me back the five thousand dollars for my treatment. You're sick, you're heartless. Do you want to leave us with nothing"

Every cruel word drove into my ears like a nail, freezing me solid where I sat.

The ankle burned, frantic and feverish, the swollen knot throbbing with each pulse of blood.

Yet against the shame and the disgrace crushing my chest, somehow it hardly registered.

The neighbors' stares pinned me down with nowhere to hide.

I forced myself up through the agony, balancing on the ball of one foot, head bowed, limping with everything I had toward the gate.

I didn't dare look back. I didn't dare stop.

One thought filled my head: get out of this place that was choking the life out of me, now.

But I'd barely gone a few steps before the security guard at the entrance blocked my path.

"Silvia Henson, quit being so stubborn. You've sent your mother into a heart attack. Go give that money back."

My fingertips went numb, blood roaring straight up to my skull.

I shouted, past caring how it sounded. "Move. My mother's trying to destroy me. She wants me to have a baby with a man who isn't right in the head."

The two guards exchanged a glance, then looked at me with open contempt.

"Your mother called it. A lie this pathetic, trying to weasel your way out, who's going to buy that?"

"We're not letting you run off to that punk again. Have some pity on your mother. Act like a human being for once."

For years my mother had played the perfect mom for everyone to see. Nobody in the neighborhood didn't know how good she was to me.

In the mornings, she'd stroll through the complex with all kinds of breakfast in hand.

She told anyone who'd listen, "My Silvia's so picky, she has to have something different every morning. I got this from the market five miles out."

In the evenings, she'd carry a basket of premium fruit and plant herself right in the thick of the crowd.

She'd say it to anyone, "I've spoiled my Silvia rotten. She won't touch fruit unless it's top grade. I have to go pick through it at the big supermarket myself to suit her taste."

Over time, every neighbor who'd ever met my mother believed she'd raised me like a princess.

They thought she cooked me a hundred different dishes, bending over backward to please me.

That she poured the bulk of the household money into me.

That she'd made me arrogant and willful.

My mother had played the devoted mother in this neighborhood for over a decade.

No one would ever believe that a mother who held me in the palm of her hand could use the filthiest words to slander me, could stop at nothing to ruin me.

I could have grown a mouth on every inch of my body and still not made them understand.

All I could do was beg, helpless and desperate. "Please, please call the police for me. Once someone from the station gets here, you'll all know the truth."

That was when my mother came stumbling over, clutching her chest.

"Don't call the police. If you do, Silvia is finished."

"If she ends up with a record, how is she supposed to live the rest of her life?"

"I brought rope. Please, tie her up and take her home for me, so I can cure this sickness of hers once and for all."

She wanted to grind me into the mud, to make sure I could never get back up.

My eyes were bloodshot, my voice shrill and shaking.

"You're lying. You're doing this on purpose. You want to destroy me."

I tried to run. The guards were faster, swarming me in an instant.

Thick palms clamped down on my arms, the grip like an iron vise.

The pain blacked out my vision, but I couldn't break free of them.

"Don't touch me. I've been framed."

I fought with everything I had, but no one paid any attention to my screaming.

Every reaction, in the guards' eyes, was just an ugly fit.

The rope cinched tight around my whole body, and my wrists burned where it bit in.

Two guards hoisted me up and marched me toward our building.

By now the sky had gone light.

The neighbors drifted over one after another.

I kept crying out to them for help.

"Please call the police for me. My mother is lying. I can't go home. She wants to hurt me."

My mother walked ahead of us, sobbing through tears and snot. "I'm so sorry to make a spectacle in front of all of you."

"I really had no choice. She's still young. If I don't tie her up and bring her back, her whole life is over."

"Do me this favor, please. Don't call the police. I'll watch her at home, and from now on I'll make her live right"

She turned to look at me, pinned between the guards, and the tears fell harder.

But beneath them hid a flicker of triumph, almost too faint to catch.

"Look at her. Such a good child, and look what she's become."

"If you have kids at home, you have to keep a close eye on them, or the whole family is ruined."

"Silvia, don't blame Mommy for being cruel. Mommy is doing this for your own good"

More and more people gathered, drinking in every inch of my disgrace.

Some coaxed me. "Silvia, just go home like a good girl. Don't break your mother's heart."

Some cursed me. "What a tragedy. A perfectly good girl, gone to waste. Such a shame."

"Exactly. The one I pity most is her mother. At her age, having to suffer through this. I don't even know why she bothers saving her. Better to just let her sink or swim on her own."

They looked at my mother with real, heartfelt sympathy.

They looked at me with the kind of disgust that made them want to keep their distance.

I shouted out my mother's wickedness to every single person there, but not one of them listened.

It only made me look like an ungrateful wretch, through and through.

My throat had long since gone hoarse from screaming, and the darkness kept washing over my eyes.

Just as the guards were dragging me through the building's entrance.

A firm, powerful voice rang out behind us, and everyone fell silent in an instant.

"Kay Lawrence, stop smearing your daughter!"