He Loved My Best Friend, So I Walked Away

While I was picking out a birthday gift for my best friend, Juliana Graves, I settled on a Bluetooth speaker.

My boyfriend, Elwin Harding, gave a soft little laugh, a trace of mockery in his voice.

You're supposed to be her best friend. How do you not even know what she wants?

He pulled a notebook out of his bag. The cover read 100 Things About Her. He flipped to a page.

"What Juliana wants most for her birthday is a bottle of jasmine perfume. Not a speaker like that."

My fingers stiffened as I took it, and I turned the pages one by one.

Elwin had written that Juliana's favorite color was black, that her favorite drink was a jasmine milk tea latte, no ice, light on the sweetness, that she hated anyone touching her hair, that nothing scared her more than walking alone at night in the rain.

The dense rows of writing made my eyes sting.

I shut the notebook hard, swallowed down the catch in my throat, and looked at him.

"Elwin, then do you know what I love to eat? What I can't stand?"

He froze, fumbled and stammered for a long moment, and couldn't answer a single question.

I pulled my mouth into a bitter smile while the ache in my chest surged higher.

He could fill an entire notebook with every last one of Juliana's likes and dislikes, but when it came to me, the girlfriend he'd been with for four years, he knew nothing at all.

Once, the three of us had promised that after graduation we'd go build our lives in Crestwood together.

But in that moment, I gave the idea up completely.

I took out my phone, opened the offer from the New York company, and replied.

"I'll start on time next week."

...

Less than a minute after I sent it, they called me directly.

"You turned us down before, even at triple the salary, said you wanted to go to Crestwood with your boyfriend and your best friend. What changed your mind all of a sudden?"

I thought back over everything that had happened lately, and stayed quiet for a while.

The truth was, Juliana and Elwin had never actually crossed the line. But it was exactly that blurred, improper closeness that left me nowhere to put my anger.

I couldn't point to anything wrong, yet everything felt wrong, and after long enough I started doubting whether I was just being too sensitive.

I used to think that as long as the three of us were fine, that was enough.

But today, looking at that notebook in Elwin's hands, I suddenly felt so tired.

The thought made me laugh softly.

"I've thought it over carefully. Compared to Crestwood, New York is the better place for my career."

The project director on the other end gave a low "Mm."

"All right. We'll see you Monday."

I hung up and headed down the hallway. Elwin's eyes landed on me for a moment, and he asked offhandedly,

"The New York people again? Just turn them down. Juliana booked the three tickets to Crestwood ages ago. We leave in a week."

I looked at him quietly and asked, voice low,

"And what if I've already said yes?"

He paused, lifted his eyes to me, and a careless smile curved his lips.

"How could you? Everybody knows you go wherever Juliana and I go. You'd never leave us behind and go to New York alone."

I tugged at the corner of my mouth and gave a silent laugh. Right. All these years I'd trailed along behind them, living like a shadow.

So this time, I didn't want to keep circling around them anymore.

I was just about to speak when Juliana leaned half out and stretched her hand toward me with a bright smile.

"Elwin, where's my birthday present?"

At that, Elwin immediately handed her the perfume he'd just bought.

Juliana tore it open, and her eyes lit up at once.

"I've wanted this one for ages. Last time I just mentioned it in passing. I can't believe you actually remembered."

The words had barely left her mouth when Elwin pulled out another designer bag and held it out to her.

Juliana blinked.

"There's a second one? Did Luna get this for me too?"

Elwin shook his head gently, his eyes soft on her.

"No."

"The perfume is the gift you asked for. The bag is the gift I wanted to give you."

"We're heading to Crestwood soon. A designer bag will look better on you there."

I stood off to the side like an outsider who didn't belong, and felt something inside me sink, bit by bit.

We were both people standing at his side, yet a wish Juliana had mentioned in passing was enough to fill an entire notebook.

But last month, when it was my birthdayme, the girlfriend he'd been with for four yearsall he said, flatly, was:

"Luna, I'm a little short on cash right now. Can I make up your birthday gift to you next year?"

I laughed at myself. It wasn't that he had no money. It was that his money was being spent on someone else.

On the way home, I said nothing the whole way.

We'd just gotten in and shut the door when Elwin suddenly spoke.

"Luna, why won't you say a word? Are you angry?"

Before I could answer, he went on:

"Don't tell me it's because I didn't get you a birthday gift?"

Then he reached into the bag and pulled out a small bottle of perfume, handing it over. Same brand, same scent as Juliana's.

"Don't be upset. Here, take it."

One look and I knew it was just the mini sample they hand out free at the counter, nothing like the full boxed set Juliana had gotten.

Seeing that I wouldn't take it, Elwin explained again.

"Juliana's different from you. She's always going to be an outsider."

"As your boyfriend, shouldn't I be on good terms with your best friend? Otherwise what if she goes around badmouthing me behind my back?"

I looked down at the little sample he'd pushed toward my hand and said quietly, "I'm not angry. Just a little tired. I'm going to take a shower."

By the time I'd shut off the water and was drying my hair, I heard Elwin laughing out in the living room.

I pushed the door open and came out. He was curled up on the couch, hugging his phone, typing.

He heard my footsteps, glanced up at me, and laughed again.

"Luna, you have no idea, Juliana's hilarious. She went back to try on that bag today and sent me a photo, but her cat was sitting right on top of it and wouldn't get off, and she was frantic, didn't dare yank it off, so she just crouched there trying to reason with the cat"

He talked and laughed as he scrolled through his phone to show me the photo.

My hand stilled on the towel.

We used to have a three-person group chat called "Foodie Buddies," where we'd talk about every random little thing.

But at some point, that chat had gone quiet.

The last message sat there from three weeks ago, when I'd asked, "What should we go eat this weekend?" Nobody had replied.

I stared at the screen glowing in his hand and said softly, "When did the two of you add each other as friends?"

Elwin froze for a second, his gaze sliding away a little uncomfortably.

"It was that time, you know, when you were busy cramming for your thesis. Juliana sprained her ankle, and I took her to the hospital since it was on my way."

Something in me dropped hard. That time Juliana twisted her ankle, I'd blamed myself for so long, always thinking she got hurt because I hadn't shown up.

Back then she'd even comforted me, saying it was nothing, that someone had already taken her to the hospital, and I should focus on my thesis and not worry.

It was only now that I learned that someone had been my boyfriend.

I stood where I was, water dripping from the ends of my hair one drop at a time, landing on the back of my hand, cool against my skin.

On Juliana's birthday, Elwin was out the door first thing in the morning, going all the way across town to order her favorite cake.

The dinner that night was set at an upscale tasting-menu place with a nice atmosphere, and Juliana wore a dress in the same color family as the new bag she'd been given the other day.

All evening, her eyes kept drifting to Elwin without her meaning to, and the moment she caught me looking, she'd jerk her gaze away.

When she raised her glass, her eyes were a little red.

"I'm really so happy I got to meet you two."

The words barely out, she shot a quick glance at Elwin, then tipped her head back and drained the whole glass.

Elwin reached over and pressed a hand to her wrist.

"Slow down."

She laughed and opened her eyes, filling her glass again, her voice a little rough.

"It's my birthday. I want to drink."

I sat beside them, unable to get a single word in the whole time, like a spare outsider.

At first Elwin tried to stop her, told her not to drink so fast, and then he just filled his own glass too.

She drank one, he matched it, the two of them across half a table, neither looking at the other, yet somehow perfectly in step.

A few rounds in, they were both drunk out of their heads.

That was when Juliana suddenly lifted her face, propped her chin on her hand, and looked at me, her words slurred.

"Luna... I've fallen for a guy. I really like him. I like him so much."

I pulled out a bitter little smile and said lightly,

"If you like him, then go after him. What if he likes you back?"

Her eyes lit up, and she stared at me, wanting to be sure.

"Really?"

"Really."

The word had barely landed before she raised her eyes and looked straight across at Elwin.

His face froze on the spot, half the drunkenness gone in an instant, and he scrambled to cut in.

"You're drunk. Don't talk nonsense. I'll call a car to take you home."

He stood as he said it, threw an arm around my shoulders, and pulled me out in a hurry.

The drive back was dead silent. Neither of us said a word.

Then Elwin rolled the window down and lit a cigarette, turning his head to look out, his expression dark and unreadable, who knew what he was thinking.

The sharp smell hit me at once, and I caught my breath without thinking.

My airways are sensitive. I can't stand the smell of smoke.

Elwin knew that. In four years together he'd never touched a cigarette or a drink in front of me. Even when friends or classmates pushed one on him, he'd just hold my hand and turn them down softly.

"My girlfriend can't stand cigarette smoke."

But now he let the smoke curl through the cramped car, and though he could see me frowning, holding it in, he didn't react at all.

The second we got home his phone rang, the custom ringtone he'd set just for Juliana.

I didn't deal with him. I just went straight into the bedroom.

About half an hour passed before he pushed the door open and came in, saying it had been the head of operations over in Crestwood calling.

His lie was full of holes, clumsy to the point of being funny, but I couldn't be bothered to call it out. I just rolled over and put my back to him.

Late into the night, his phone buzzed again and again, and as if something moved my hand for me, I picked it up off the pillow beside him.

I opened the chat, and the words on the screen made my eyes ache.

The most recent messages were from tonight.

Elwin had written,

"Juliana, we can't keep going like this. It isn't fair to Luna."

She'd said,

"I know. But I really can't help it."

He'd said,

"I can't hurt Luna. I can't agree to go to Crestwood with you anymore. I want to go to New York with her."

Juliana had sent back a sprawling message, thousands of words, the gist of it being that the three of us had agreed, and none of us could be left out.

Elwin was quiet for a long time. In the end, he sent back one word:

"Okay."

The screen went dark, and I lit it again, reading those few lines over and over until the brightness stung my eyes dry. Only then did I set the phone down.

I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, and suddenly remembered our graduation day.

The three of us standing together, talking about where we'd go after we finished school.

I wanted New York. The work I wanted to do was there.

Juliana said she wanted to go back to Crestwood, closer to home.

Elwin didn't hesitate. He just said then let's go to Crestwood, and added that the minority follows the majority.

I'd laughed and said fine, as long as the three of us were together it didn't matter where we went.

It wasn't until now that I understood I had never been Elwin's first choice.

Junior year, Elwin and I rented this place near campus, one bedroom and a living room, not big, but I'd made it warm. Painstakingly so.

The toothbrushes were a matching set, one blue and one pink, standing side by side in the cup.

The slippers too, his gray, mine off-white.

The pair of ceramic mugs on the desk had hand-drawn portraits of each other on them. He'd dragged me to a night market to paint them, and they came out crooked.

I'd laughed the whole way home and still set them in the most visible spot, like treasures.

Now, looking at them, they just felt like a joke.

Elwin leaned against the door frame, watching me fold clothes into the suitcase, his tone easy.

"Packing this early? You can't wait to get to Crestwood?"

My hands stopped. I looked up at him and said his name.

"Elwin."

"Hm? What is it?"

I shook my head.

"It's nothing."

And I lowered my head and went back to sorting the clothes.

Just then Juliana came in carrying two milk teas. She changed her shoes and walked straight over to sit on our bed.

"I've already found the place in Crestwood. A big three-bedroom, gets amazing light."

"The biggest room is for you and Elwin, I'll take the one next to yours, and the last one..."

Her eyes brightened, and she turned to glance at Elwin.

"Elwin and I are going to make it a gaming room. We both play, so it's perfect."

My fingers stilled.

I didn't really like games. But back at school, the two of them always liked to hole up together for matches, talking shop, deep in it, while I stood off to the side without a word to add.

She finished, then smacked her own forehead like she'd remembered something and grabbed Elwin's arm.

"I almost forgot the actual thing. Hurry, come help me deal with the moving stuff."

"And our landlord, that busted fridge, how it gets settled, how the deposit comes back. He keeps haggling with me and I can't handle him."

Elwin took two steps as she pulled him along. I frowned and called after him.

"Elwin, I have something to tell you."

He started to turn, but Juliana yanked him back.

"Luna, whatever it is, save it for the airport. Just lend me your boyfriend for two hours, okay?"

And with that, not waiting for me to speak, the two of them walked out side by side.

I stood in the living room, the words let's break up lodged in my throat, going neither up nor down.

Forget it. We're all adults. Three days without contact, and it's a breakup by default.

I stopped thinking about it. I zipped up the packed suitcase, turned, and left.

From here on, Luna Dudley and the two of them would have nothing more to do with each other.

...

When Elwin and Juliana finished packing and set out, Juliana hooked her arm through his without a second thought.

Elwin said nothing, let her hold on, a little distracted.

From the moment they'd walked out, he'd been wondering what it was I'd wanted to tell him, the thing that couldn't even wait until he'd helped Juliana move.

Juliana chattered beside him about the apartment layout and the games, and he just nodded along, not taking in a single word.

He reached the airport in that uneasy state, looking around on reflex, but in the huge departure hall he couldn't find me anywhere.

Juliana let go of his arm and said offhandedly,

"Girls are always slow getting out the door. Just wait, there's still time."

But the minutes ticked by, and with half an hour left before the Crestwood flight boarded, with the gate about to close, he still hadn't seen me.

His hand tightened around the phone. He didn't hesitate any longer and called me. It rang a few times, and then a cold recorded voice came through the receiver.

"The number you have dialed is switched off."

Juliana stood beside him and tugged at his sleeve.

"Maybe her phone died. How about we go through the gate and wait inside?"

Elwin ignored her and walked quickly to the check-in counter, his voice sharp.

"Please page Luna Dudley for me. We're on the six o'clock flight to Crestwood and we can't find her."

The agent looked down to check the system, then raised her eyes to him, something odd in her expression.

"Sir, Ms. Dudley booked the four o'clock flight to New York this afternoon. She boarded two hours ago."

The words struck him like a thunderclap, and he froze where he stood...