I Held My Own Umbrella and Walked Away

My fever was at 102, and I'd called my boyfriend, Justin Simmons, nineteen times. No one picked up.

So I forced myself up and headed to the hospital alone.

Passing the auditorium, I saw Justin draping his jacket over the shoulders of his childhood friend, Summer Winfield.

She muttered something, complaining; he pinched her cheek.

The two of them bickered, easy and close.

I stood in the rain under my umbrella, and for a moment I forgot what I'd even come out to do.

Justin caught sight of me and froze.

"What are you doing here?"

I opened my mouth, but before a word came out,

Summer had already squeezed in under my umbrella.

"I'm freezing, come on, let's go."

Justin came in after her.

The two of them kept squabbling, one on each side of me.

From high school to college, from the start of us to now.

I'd always thought I was the one this relationship couldn't do without.

But whether I was there or not, their world was already whole.

I handed the umbrella to Summer and let go.

"You two go on."

Summer paused.

"Bonnie Harding, what's wrong?"

I looked at the space under the umbrella, the one the two of them filled so perfectly.

"The umbrella's too small."

I didn't want to squeeze in there anymore.

""

Through the curtain of rain came Justin's voice, edged with a faint impatience.

"Bonnie, don't just stand out in the rain. If there's something to say, say it back home."

I didn't turn around.

He came after me. A few steps off, Summer stood holding the umbrella, looking lost.

Justin saw how flushed my face was and reached out to touch it.

"Why are you so hot?"

He paused, then glanced back.

"Grab a cab to the hospital first. I'll drop Summer at her dorm and come straight over."

"Don't bother."

"What is wrong with you today!"

His voice climbed.

"I already said I'd be right there. Do you have to make a scene?"

Summer patted his shoulder.

"That's enough, Justin, stop fighting. Take Bonnie first. I can get back on my own."

Justin looked at Summer, then at me.

Then he turned and walked off fast, pulling Summer along.

"Bonnie, get a cab. I'll come find you in a bit."

Their backs faded into the distance.

The ER was packed.

A message came in from Justin.

"Are you at the hospital yet? Which one? I'll come right over."

I didn't reply. Ten minutes later, another one.

"Still angry? I told you I'm coming."

"Summer keeps asking how you are. At least have a little manners and answer your messages."

My finger hovered over the text box for a long time. Then I set the phone down.

One in the morning, I pushed open the door of the rental apartment.

Justin sat on the couch; Summer was curled up beside him, eating spicy crawfish.

"Bonnie, you're back. Justin went all the way to South Street to get you some soup."

Summer looked up.

On the table sat a bowl of chicken and rice soup, scattered all over with cilantro.

"I don't eat cilantro."

He paused, then frowned.

"I forgot to tell the guy. Here, just scoop off the top layer. There shouldn't be any underneath."

Summer tugged at Justin's cheek.

"Justin, your memory you really need a smack."

He reached back and tugged hers in return.

"You're the one asking for it."

He didn't look back at me, just said flatly,

"All right, all right, I'll be more careful next time."

"Eat a couple of bites to tide you over. I'll buy you a fresh bowl tomorrow."

I picked up the takeout container, carried it to the trash can, and let go.

Thud.

Justin turned around, his face darkening.

"If you don't want it, just leave it. Why do this? Summer's right here. How do you think that makes her feel?"

"I already said I'd be more careful next time! But you can't just smash things in front of other people over something this small, can you?"

He rubbed his temple, holding back his anger.

Summer stood up and patted Justin on the shoulder.

"That's enough, Justin. You bought the wrong soup, that's all. It's only natural Bonnie doesn't want it."

Justin drew in a deep breath and looked at me, full of disappointment.

"Bonnie, since when did you get so petty?"

I turned and walked toward the bedroom.

"I'm tired."

"Wait."

Justin called me back.

"Summer's been blaming herself this whole time. Apologize to her so she doesn't take it to heart."

I turned to look at him for a long moment, then lowered my eyes.

"Fine."

"I'm sorry for interrupting your late-night snack."

Justin froze, his mouth opening slightly.

I pushed open the bedroom door.

The instant it shut, I heard him lower his voice, gentle again.

"It's fine, she's just feeling sick and a little short-tempered. She'll be better after some sleep."

I leaned against the door and looked down at the back of my hand, bruised a deep blue across the skin.

The beat of my heart was heavy and dull in my chest.

I couldn't tell whether I was aching for myself, or for the person he used to be.

Three in the morning.

I lay against the headboard, staring at the ceiling.

Last fall my advisor had pulled me aside to tell me there was an exchange-program spot open at Southvale University.

When I came home and told Justin, he'd looked up, smiled, and taken my hand.

"Let's take the grad-school entrance exams together. Then we'll go to the same school."

I thought that "together" was the start of something happy.

So I gave up my guaranteed postgrad placement, turned down the job, and stayed to be with him.

But now the one sitting beside him was Summer.

The one across from him in the library was Summer.

The one who stayed home with him late at night was Summer too.

My fogged, heavy head suddenly felt clear.

When I woke the next day the fever had broken.

The living room was quiet.

I splashed water on my face and pulled out the suitcase.

I folded my clothes one by one and laid them inside.

I looked at the half-empty closet.

Then I called my advisor.

"Mr. Lambert, could you start the paperwork for me? I'll take the Southvale exchange program."

On the other end, he let out a breath of relief.

"Now that's the right call. Official check-in at Southvale is next Wednesday, but the dorms open this Friday. You can head over early if you want."

I hung up and kept packing.

Three in the afternoon.

Justin came in carrying two cups of milk tea and stopped short when he saw the suitcase.

"What are you doing?"

"Season's changing. Just sorting out my clothes."

He crouched down beside me and pushed one of the cups toward me.

"Still angry? Last night was my fault, I wasn't paying attention. I got you a taro milk tea."

I glanced at the label. It said full sugar, iced.

I've never drunk full sugar.

But Summer does.

He still remembered I liked this drink.

It was just that, piece by piece, I was being painted over by Summer, and I hadn't even noticed.

"Leave it. I just took my medicine."

He didn't push. He took a sip and muttered that it was a little too sweet.

There were two tickets on the desk.

A concert.

Last month, he'd promised that once he got his scholarship he'd take me.

He still remembered.

The thought that our anniversary was almost here.

My heart picked up a little.

Justin followed my gaze.

He paused.

"I forgot to tell you."

"Summer bombed her mock exams recently. She's in a really bad place. I'm thinking of taking her to the concert, to help her relax."

He stopped, then added,

"Once I'm done with the exams I'll take you. By then, whoever you want to see, we'll go."

I stood there staring at the tickets.

"You paid for these with your scholarship money?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"You promised me you'd take me."

"I did, but you're the one who always said a concert's something you can catch anytime, right?"

Right. Anytime.

Back then, just to keep the pressure off him, I'd buried even the things I liked.

Wave after wave of exhaustion rolled over me.

In his world, everything I gave was simply owed to him.

It was Summer who had to be actively looked after.

He even thought he was being fair.

"Bonnie, what is going on with you lately?"

He shot me a look.

"I bought you a cake, I bought you bubble tea, what else do you want me to do? Just tell me, one sentence, and I'll fix it. Isn't that enough?"

I lifted my head and looked at him.

Every single time he said fine, I'll fix it, and then nothing ever changed.

"Justin."

"Hm?"

"Let's break up."

I shoved the last shirt into the suitcase and zipped it shut.

Justin froze.

"What did you say?"

"I said let's break up."

"Bonnie, over some petty little thing like this?"

His voice climbed.

"Are you serious? I explained all of it to you, didn't I? And I apologized too. What more do you want?"

I looked at his flushed face, worn down to the bone inside.

"Yes. Exactly because of all of this."

"Youyou're being completely unreasonable!" Justin's fist clenched tight. He stared at me for a long moment, then slowly let it go.

"Don't try to provoke me with this."

He grabbed his jacket and walked out the door.

"I've got a dinner tonight, I won't be back. You take some time to cool off."

"And then apologize to me."

That night, a light rain started up outside again.

I looked at the flash drive on the desk.

It was the document his advisor needed tomorrow.

He'd left in such a hurry earlier that he'd forgotten it here.

Once their dinner was over tonight, the advisor was setting off.

I closed my hand around the flash drive.

In the end I took an umbrella and went out anyway.

I reached the place where they were having dinner.

The private room door was open a crack, and laughter drifted out.

"Justin, man, I really do envy you. Look at how well your girlfriend takes care of you."

One of the older students was teasing him.

I stopped where I was and looked through the gap in the door.

At the round table, Summer sat on Justin's right, head down, peeling shrimp, dropping each one onto his plate as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Justin paused, then waved it off with a laugh.

"Don't say things like that. She's just my oldest friend. She's hopeless, I have to look out for her."

Summer pinched a shrimp between her fingers and pushed it straight into Justin's mouth.

"Quit talking nonsense."

Another senior student took a sip of his drink.

"Oldest friend, huh? Then the two of you are awfully in sync."

"Come on, oldest friend, have a couple drinks with me."

Justin had a smile playing at the corner of his mouth.

"No way. She's a lightweight, one glass and she's down. I'll drink for her."

"Oh, so protective?"

"She's been like this since we were kids. She'd take a tumble and cry for half a day. How could I not keep an eye on her?"

Summer pushed another shrimp at him.

"Even eating this won't keep your mouth shut?"

The room broke into laughter.

I pushed the door open.

The laughter cut off all at once, and every gaze landed on me.

Justin went still for a second.

I walked over to him and set the flash drive on the table.

"You left this behind."

"Thanks, I almost forgot."

He patted the back of my hand, then turned to face the other students.

"This is my girlfriend, Bonnie."

The senior student stalled for a beat, then let out a couple of dry laughs.

"Ah... so good to see you, so good to see you. Sit, sit down."

"That's all right. I have somewhere to be."

Summer stood up.

"Bonnie, take my seat."

Justin glanced at the chair and lowered his voice.

"That spot's for the faculty advisor. Don't go switching things around."

Then he turned and gave me a smile.

"Bonnie, you sit here for now."

Summer sat back down in her place.

"I really do have to go. Enjoy your dinner."

I turned and walked out of the private room.

The hallway was quiet.

I hadn't gone far when I heard quick footsteps behind me, and Justin grabbed my arm and stopped me.

"Bonnie, are you still upset?"

He kept his voice low, irritation in it.

"The advisor set up this dinner tonight, and Summer's on the project team too. Can't you be a little more sensible? Could you save some face for me in front of people like this?"

I looked at him, calm.

"Justin, I wasn't being difficult, was I?"

"Did I lose my temper, or make a scene?"

"I'm not even allowed to leave when I don't want to be there?"

He froze for a second, and his words came out a little stumbling.

"That's not..."

"Not what? Weren't you in there to keep an eye on Summer? So why did you come out?"

"That was just talk, for show. My friend was joking and I went along with it. Stuff said at the table doesn't mean anything."

"Is that so." I smiled. "Then do you remember sophomore year, when I had acute appendicitis? What did you say to me?"

Justin's face went white.

I said it for him.

"You said, Bonnie, you're not a toddler, I'm really busy today."

His mouth opened.

"That time I was studying for finals... I really was."

"Mm. You were very busy." I cut him off softly and brushed his hand off my arm. "Go back inside. Don't keep your childhood friend waiting."

"Bonnie, it's all just talk. Can't you tell the difference?"

Justin's face darkened.

"When did you get so petty."

I looked at his angry face and said nothing.

I just turned and walked out of the restaurant.

For the next few days, Justin didn't contact me.

Not until Friday.

It was our fourth year together.

Justin called after me.

"Seven o'clock tonight. The riverside restaurant."

He sighed, pinched my cheek, all indulgence.

"I know you've been in a bad mood these past few days. Let me take you somewhere nice."

I paused. It was as good a time as any to say goodbye.

"All right."

Six thirty in the evening.

Justin was already sitting at the table by the window.

I had just sat down when a familiar voice came from the doorway.

"Justin!"

Summer came trotting over in a dress, and her steps stuttered when she saw me.

"Bonnie's here too? Justin, didn't you say it was just dinner and we'd go over my second-round exam materials while we were at it?"

Justin stiffened for an instant.

But he recovered quickly and pulled out a chair.

"You're already here. Just eat with us."

Summer looked at the roses on the table.

"Bad timing on my part. Justin, why didn't you say something sooner?"

"Sit down. It's not some big occasion, just a meal."

In the end, she sat.

When the food came, Justin smoothly ordered several of the dishes Summer liked.

Halfway through the meal he took out a box and set it on the table.

I recognized that box. The Bulgari bracelet.

The one Summer liked too.

He opened it, then pushed it across to me.

"Fourth-anniversary gift."

Summer saw it too, and broke into a smile.

"I just mentioned once in passing that this one was pretty, and Justin remembered. The style goes with everything. Bonnie, you'll look great in it."

Justin's voice carried a note of satisfaction.

"Summer has great taste. Whatever she picks is bound to be perfect. Here, let me put it on you."

He picked up the bracelet and fastened it around my wrist.

It was a little loose, and the clasp slid down to the back of my hand.

"A bit big?"

He frowned slightly.

"We can just get it adjusted later."

Summer lowered her eyes.

"Just an adjustment, it's no big deal."

Justin studied Summer's wrist for a moment.

"It's fine, we'll have the store resize the clasp later. Bonnie, do you like it?"

I looked at the loose chain on my wrist.

He hadn't done it on purpose.

It was just that when he picked out the gift,

what came to mind was Summer's taste.

Summer's size.

Summer's style.

And then he wrapped it all up as a surprise for me.

He probably even thought he'd put thought into it.

"It's lovely."

I slipped the bracelet off and set it back in the box.

Justin nodded, then turned to pour Summer a glass of water.

He cut off a piece of steak and set it at the edge of her plate.

"Why aren't you eating? You ordered it, so eat up."

I watched the side of his face as he bent his head, focused on cutting Summer's steak.

Sophomore year, when my tonsils were inflamed, he'd cut my food into small pieces just like that.

He was still just as attentive. Only the person had changed.

"Justin."

I looked at him.

He turned his head and cleared his throat.

"What is it? You don't like the steak here? Want to order something else?"

"I'm going to the restroom."

I stood up and took my coat and bag.

Justin glanced up.

"Go ahead, come back quick, dessert hasn't come yet."

I walked to the front desk.

Inside, Justin was still just as attentive, just as focused.

He didn't even notice my things were gone.

Out in the cold wind, the sting behind my eyes was almost unbearable.

I lifted my hand and took out my phone.

I flagged down a cab, and a few more tears slipped loose.

"To the train station, please."

My voice had gone hoarse.

I'd meant to say goodbye properly. I just couldn't get the words out.

Back in the restaurant, Summer ate in small bites and said softly,

"Justin, Bonnie's been gone a long time. Nothing's happened to her, has it?"

Justin wiped his hands, his tone certain.

"What could happen to her."

Beyond the window, a bullet train bound for Southvale melted into the endless night.