Goodbye, Mother: The Daughter Who Walked Away

1: 1

After my uncle and aunt died in a car crash, my mother brought my cousin home to live with us.

From that day on, I became a buy-one-get-one-free freebie.

She signed Renata up for an eight-thousand-dollar piano course, then signed me up too, because there was a half-price deal for two.

She took Renata to a five-hundred-a-head seafood buffet, and always dragged me along, because more people made it a better value.

My mother called it treating everyone equally.

Then we moved into the new house, and she bought Renata a pair of princess-style slippers she liked, and turned around and pushed a pair on me too.

"Second pair's half off. One each, so neither of you feels left out."

I looked down. Lace, synthetic fiber. I said quietly, "Mom, this material gives me a rash."

She paused for a second.

"Don't be so delicate. Wear them a while and you'll get used to it. Rennie likes them. If you two match, she won't read anything into it."

Those slippers sat in the most visible spot on the shoe rack. I never touched them once.

The whole family said I didn't know how good I had it.

Then my SAT scores came out, and I finally cleared the bar for the university I wanted.

But my mother insisted I go to the local teachers' college with Renata.

"Your uncle and aunt passed so young. Rennie's all alone."

"Same school, same major, same tuition and living costs. You can look out for each other, and no one can wag their tongue and say I play favorites."

In that moment, I suddenly felt how pointless it all was.

Only what Renata wanted was something I deserved to have.

What I wanted, I didn't even have the right to say out loud.

The piano was what she liked. The seafood was what she loved to eat.

I smiled and nodded and told my mother yes.

Then, before the application deadline, I quietly changed my school to an overseas university with a full scholarship.

My uncle and aunt both died in a car crash three years ago, leaving only my cousin Renata Fox.

Afraid she'd feel slighted, my mother took her in and raised her like a daughter of her own, telling everyone she met that she'd treat everyone equally.

Renata wanted strawberry cake, so my mother ordered two six-inch ones.

Then she turned to me and said, "Maxine, come have some. Mom bought a share for both of you."

But I don't like sweets. I forced down two bites and set my fork aside.

My mother's face dropped at once.

"Maxine, what's that supposed to mean? I buy you cake and you can't even be bothered?"

"I don't like sweet things."

"Rennie likes them. She just lost her parents. Can't you think about how she feels and eat some with her?"

My brother, Murray Pruitt, was slumped on the couch playing a game, not lifting his head.

"Yeah, you're her big sister you should let Rennie have her way."

Renata set down her fork, her eyes reddening, and said softly, "Auntie, does Maxine not like me?"

My mother pulled her in at once.

"Of course not. She's just got that nasty temper. Don't mind her."

Then she turned and glared at me.

"Look at that. Rennie's so considerate, she even speaks up for you. And you call yourself her older cousin? Aren't you ashamed?"

I stared at the unfinished slice of cake, and something in my chest felt like it had been scooped out.

So this was what my mother meant by treating everyone equally.

Whatever Renata had, I had to have too, whether I liked it or not.

Junior year, Renata wanted to learn piano.

My mother signed her up without a word for the best piano school in the city.

The day she paid, she turned to me and said, "Maxine, you learn too. You two take lessons together, so she has some company."

I froze.

"Mom, I have to prepare for a competition. I don't have time for piano."

"You make time. Rennie can manage it, so why can't you?"

"I really don't have the time"

My mother's voice shot up. "Rennie wants to learn. Can't you keep her company? Taking lessons alone is so lonely for her!"

My brother chimed in from the side. "Yeah, you're a good student anyway. Skipping a couple days of review won't drop your ranking."

I looked at the two of them, my throat tight.

Not one of them asked whether I wanted to learn piano.

All they cared about was whether Renata had someone with her.

In the end I went.

Two piano lessons a week, and I sat on the bench pressing the keys like a machine.

Renata got better and better, and the teacher praised her talent.

I stumbled through it, and the teacher gently suggested I might try a different instrument.

My mother wouldn't hear of it. "Maxine just doesn't apply herself. If she were as serious as Rennie, she could play well too."

That year's physics competition, I took second place at the state level.

If piano lessons hadn't eaten up my time and energy, maybe I could have taken first.

My mother had Renata's piano certification framed and hung it dead center in the living room.

My competition certificate she stuffed into a drawer, without so much as opening it to look.

2: 2

After Renata moved in, even my birthday got moved.

My mother said, "Rennie's younger than you, and your birthdays are close. Celebrate together, it'll be more fun."

But my birthday is March fifteenth, and Renata's is June twentieth.

Three whole months apart.

On Renata's birthday, my mother bought two identical mango cakes.

Renata loves mango. I'm allergic to it.

"A little bit won't hurt. It's Rennie's favorite flavor. If you two have the same thing, she won't read anything into it."

I stared at the mango glaze on the cake, and my stomach turned.

Renata closed her eyes, made a wish, and blew out the candles.

Smiling, my mother cut her the biggest slice, then cut a small one for me.

"Max, you eat too."

I got down two bites before my throat started itching, and I ran to the bathroom to rinse my mouth with cold water.

The face in the mirror had red-rimmed eyes and lips that were beginning to swell.

When I came back to the living room, my mother was holding up her phone, taking photos of Renata.

Renata threw up a peace sign, beaming.

I stood off to the side like a spare piece of scenery.

That night a rash spread across my face, itching so badly I couldn't sleep.

I hid in the bathroom, pressing ice water to my skin.

My mother knocked. "Max, what are you doing in there?"

"I'm having an allergic reaction."

"Allergic to what? You're just too delicate, won't eat this, won't eat that. If you weren't such a picky eater like Rennie, you wouldn't have any of these problems."

Her footsteps faded away.

She never even came in to look, never asked if I needed anything for it.

My mother made a daily show of treating everyone equally, and to outsiders she became the model parent.

Our neighbor Mrs. Lambert dropped by, saw Renata and me in matching pink dresses, and couldn't help but gush.

"Lucretia, treating both girls exactly the same, you're a rare kind of good aunt. If Rennie's dad could see this from beyond, he'd rest easy."

My mother smiled, all modesty.

"They're both my own flesh and blood. Rennie lost her parents, so of course I have to love her a little more, but I'd never shortchange Max. See? Whatever Rennie has, Max has too."

Right. Exactly the same.

Renata wanted strawberry cake, so I got strawberry cake.

Renata wanted a pink dress, so I got a pink dress.

Renata wanted piano lessons, so I got piano lessons.

But I don't like strawberry cake, I don't like pink dresses, and I never wanted to learn piano.

Everything she gave me was what Renata wanted.

All at once, I didn't want to put up with it anymore.

The day we moved into the new house, my mother bought Renata a pair of princess slippers, then handed me an identical pair.

In the name of treating everyone equally.

I told her I was allergic.

She didn't believe me.

The slippers got tossed by the front door and sat there gathering dust.

One day my mother was cleaning and found them.

She picked them up and threw them down in front of me.

"Maxine! This is how you treat something I bought you?"

"I told you, I'm allergic."

"Allergic, allergic, everything's a problem with you!"

Renata stood beside her and said quietly, "Aunt Lucretia, maybe Max thinks princess style is too childish and doesn't want to wear them. Don't be angry."

"Rennie, don't stick up for her. She's just doing this to spite me!"

My mother shoved the slippers into my hands.

"Wear thick socks if you're allergic. If you don't wear them, it'll hurt Rennie's feelings."

I looked down at the slippers, lace edges scratchy, sequins digging in.

I threw them back into the shoe cabinet.

"I'm not wearing them."

My mother's face twisted in an instant.

"Fine. If you're so tough, then from now on I won't buy you a single thing!"

She grabbed Renata's hand. "Rennie, come on, I'll take you out for something good. Ignore her."

Renata looked back at me once, something complicated in her eyes.

There was sympathy, but more than that, pity.

3: 3

That night I lay on the pull-out couch, and a lot of things came back to me.

When I was little, Mom used to braid my hair and tie it with a blue bow.

On rainy days she carried me to school on her back, my little rain boots squeaking against her raincoat with every step.

She used to say Max was Mommy's little princess.

But after Renata came, Mom never called me her little princess again.

I wasn't her little princess anymore.

Mom had a new little princess now.

I thought if I studied myself to the bone and got good grades, Mom would see me again.

But when my SAT scores came out, my mother made a decision.

"Max, why don't you apply to the same college as Rennie. Same major, ideally. That way you two girls can look out for each other, and I'll have peace of mind."

Renata's eyes lit up. "Really?"

I was in the middle of dinner. My chopsticks froze in midair.

"But Rennie and I are a hundred points apart."

"So what? Worst case, just pick the same city."

"But I want to go to an Ivy"

"What's so great about the Ivy League?" Mom said, unimpressed. "It's expensive there. Higher living costs, higher travel costs, I'd have to give you more. If people found out, they'd think I play favorites, and Rennie would be hurt."

My brother chimed in from beside me. "Exactly, Max. Just apply to the local teachers' college with Rennie. Otherwise your school's way too good and she'll look bad next to you."

Seeing me go quiet, my father set down his newspaper too. "Your own family would never hurt you. Rennie's never lived away at school. We really can't feel easy about her being all on her own."

That night I couldn't sleep.

I'd fought for this day and night for three years and scored a 698.

My teacher said with a score like that, I could easily get into any major I wanted at a top-tier school.

And now my family wanted me to throw away my dream to spare Renata's feelings.

I was the real daughter. So why did I feel like a guest boarding in this house?

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to go talk it out with Mom, really talk.

I'd just gotten near the master bedroom when I heard low voices inside.

"What if Max doesn't want to?" That was my father.

Mom gave a cold laugh. "What's there for her not to want? I'm her mother. What I say goes."

"Rennie can't go off to college by herself. She's so timid, and she's never lived away from home. What if something happens to her?"

"But an Ivy is Max's dream"

"Can a dream put food on the table?" Mom's voice rose, then dropped again. "I've already thought it through. If Max really won't agree, I'll change her application on the sly. By the time it's done, there'll be nothing she can do about it."

My whole body went rigid.

"Change her application?" My father's voice changed too. "That's not right, is it?"

"What's wrong with it?" Mom said, full of righteousness. "I'm her mother. Would I hurt her? Rennie's too lonely on her own. I have to give her someone to lean on."

I stood outside the door, hands and feet ice-cold.

To give Renata someone to lean on, my mother was going to secretly change my application.

All she could think about was that Renata couldn't be alone.

She never once thought about everything I'd poured into those three years of high school.

Inch by inch, my heart went cold.

After a long while, I opened my phone and searched for overseas universities with full scholarships.

One result in the list caught my eye.

Full scholarship, tuition and living costs covered. Anyone in the state's top fifty SAT scores could apply directly.

I hid in the bathroom and filled out the application on my phone.

Three days ago, I'd gotten the email: "Congratulations, you have been awarded full-scholarship admission. Please confirm your enrollment by July 15."

I screenshotted the email, saved it to the cloud, then deleted every trace of it from my phone.

Three days before the application deadline, my mother pushed me to submit my college choices.

"Max, hurry up and do it. Don't drag it out to the last day. What if the system crashes?"

I opened the college application system and, right there under my mother's watchful eye, entered the local state university.

4: 4

Mom nodded, satisfied.

"That's more like it. Rennie, you fill yours in too."

Renata leaned over and finished entering her choices.

"Max, we can ask to room together, so we'll be with each other every day, just like now."

I smiled and nodded.

Once they'd both left, I opened the system again.

I changed the top choice to the overseas university, computer science.

Clicked save, confirmed the submission.

The day the application window closed, Mom made a whole spread of good food.

Braised ribs, sweet-and-sour fish, garlic butter shrimp, all of Renata's favorites.

"To celebrate you both finishing your applications!" Mom raised her glass. "College students from now on!"

Then something occurred to her. "Max, you finished your application, right? Let me see."

"All done. Computer science at the state university."

But she still wasn't reassured.

I took out my phone and pulled up the screenshot I'd prepared long ago.

Mom smiled, satisfied, and turned to put more food on Renata's plate.

"Rennie, eat up. Once you're at college you'll have to be independent, I won't be cooking for you every day."

Renata pouted. "I'll miss you, Auntie."

"Silly girl, you'll be back on break."

Watching the two of them, all warmth and affection, I lowered my head and ate a piece of rib.

The rib was stewed until it fell apart, but I couldn't taste a thing.

The day Renata's acceptance came through, Mom was so happy she spun circles in the living room.

She turned to me. "Max, did yours come in?"

"It did. Accepted too."

Mom was even happier. "Wonderful!"

She didn't ask to see my acceptance letter. She didn't ask what my major was.

She was just happy that Renata had gotten in.

And me, I'd only been mentioned in passing.

A week before the semester started, Mom began packing Renata's things.

She bought two pink suitcases.

"Mom, I like blue."

"Pink's so pretty. Rennie likes pink, you two should match."

Then she started buying supplies.

Two sets of sheets, pink floral.

Two sets of toiletries, all pink.

Two pairs of slippers, pink princess style.

Looking at that pile of pink things, I suddenly felt so tired, but I didn't say anything more.

After all, I wouldn't be needing them.

The night before the semester started, Mom carried the packed luggage out to the living room.

"Max, Rennie, I've got all your things ready. First thing tomorrow I'll drive you to school."

Renata and I nodded at the same time.

At two in the morning, the house went quiet.

I climbed out of bed without a sound.

My backpack had been ready for a while. Only three things inside.

The college acceptance letter, my ID, and the five thousand dollars I'd saved from part-time work.

I crept across the living room.

Dad was snoring on the couch.

My brother was sound asleep in his room.

Mom and Renata were in the master bedroom, breathing evenly.

I reached the entryway, put on my shoes, and took one last look at this home.

On the living room wall hung Renata's piano exam certificate and my competition award.

But mine had curled at the corners.

Renata's was framed in gold, without a speck of dust.

I took my competition award down and slid it into my bag.

I opened the door, walked to the entrance of the complex, and hailed a cab.

"To the airport, please."

"This early?"

"Catching a flight."

The driver said nothing more and started the car.

The streets were quiet in the early morning.

I leaned against the window, watching the scenery rush backward.

This city, I'd lived here eighteen years.

Every street, every intersection, I knew them all.

But from now on, I was leaving it.

Never coming back.