When the Tide Recedes, I Give Farewell to the Long Night

1: 1

The Loving Family group chat was buzzing away.

I snapped a photo of the college acceptance letter I'd just picked up and sent it to the chat.

Dead silence. Not one reply.

An hour later my brother posted a two-second voice clip. It was his puppy barking.

Mom appeared in an instant. Toffee's little bark is so cute, my heart just melted.

Dad came right after. "Does Toffee miss Grandpa? Grandpa set up a whole luxury villa just for you."

Even Cheryl Fox, who hadn't answered my messages in two weeks, warmed right up.

"I had someone buy imported dog food from overseas. When are you coming back? I'll take time off work and go get you."

I was on a crowded, jolting bus, the whole cabin thick with the smell of sweat.

My stomach churned, and my eyes started to sting.

So it turned out the letter I'd poured everything into was worth less than one whimper from a puppy.

Fine, I thought. If you can't fit into a group chat, you just leave it.

I got off the bus and a wall of heat rolled straight into my face.

My head swam, my legs went weak, and crouching at the roadside for a long while did nothing to help.

I opened my chat with Cheryl. It was still sitting on last night.

"Tomorrow I'm going to school to pick up my acceptance letter. Could you drive me?"

Afraid of being a burden, I carefully added another line.

"We'll go early in the morning, so it won't cut into your work."

But she still hadn't answered.

Under the blazing sun, I walked another twenty minutes to get home.

The front door stood wide open, workers going in and out, the whole place in chaos.

All my things had been dumped in the living room, kicked and trampled over, a sorry mess.

My room was unrecognizable.

"What are you all doing?"

Mom lifted her head from her phone, offhand. "Your brother and Toffee are coming back. They've got to have somewhere to stay."

"Isn't my brother's room right there? Why touch mine?"

Dad carried a bag of dog toys into what used to be my room. "We can't cram Toffee in with Jon, can we?"

"You're off to college anyway, so your room is perfect to free up for Toffee."

I opened my mouth, a knot of hurt in my chest.

My brother had been abroad for years, and his room had been kept exactly as it was.

Mom cleaned it on a schedule. No one had ever touched it.

"Can't it wait until I've left?"

Mom's face darkened. "It's Toffee's first time home. How can we make it rough it in some makeshift corner?"

"Enough. Quit walking around with that long face like we all owe you something."

"Jon's over there alone, suffering, working himself to the bone, while you sit comfortably at home living the good life. What have you got to complain about?"

They'd said things like this more times than I could count.

While my brother was abroad, they sent him three thousand dollars in pocket money on the dot every month.

My own allowance, though, got squeezed from five hundred down to three hundred, and they often forgot to give it at all.

When the seasons changed and new clothes were needed, they ordered his early online and shipped them to him overseas.

When it was my turn: "As long as you've got clothes on your back. You think our money grows on trees?"

For holidays and family dinners, they always went to that seafood restaurant my brother liked.

I quietly mentioned that I was allergic to seafood, and they laid into me.

"You ungrateful thing. It's hard enough not being able to see Jon, and now you have to twist the knife!"

"Even if Jon can't eat it, we take photos to send him. It's a little something to hold on to."

Scene after scene surfaced in my mind.

I should have been used to it. What was I still hoping for?

I swallowed down the ache in my throat, silently gathered up the things scattered on the floor, and held an armful to my chest.

"Then where do I sleep?"

Mom pointed carelessly at the storage room.

"You can just make do on the floor in there for a few days."

The storage room was small and had no air conditioning. Even a short while inside left me drenched in sweat.

I hadn't had a single sip of water since morning, and I felt panicky and lightheaded.

I pulled the door open, about to go find something to eat, when everything went black and I dropped to the floor.

I don't know how long it was before I woke, still lying on the ground.

The house was silent. Everyone was gone.

Bracing myself against the wall, I dragged myself to the dining table, tore open a box of expired instant ramen, and poured in hot water.

My phone lit up. The Loving Family group chat was buzzing again.

Mom had posted a selfie with everyone in it.

"Jon, sweetie, a new seafood place just opened near the house. We came ahead to scout it out for you."

Dad smiled over at Cheryl.

"Cher couldn't rest easy, so she made a point of coming along to check it out."

Cheryl's profile picture kept flashing.

"Anything you two pick can't go wrong. Their signature seafood chowder tastes amazing."

"What time do you land tomorrow? I'll go ahead and wait for you."

Looking at all that warmth on the screen, my chest felt clogged, like a wet towel had been stuffed into it.

I looked at my acceptance letter. The school was in New York, three thousand kilometers from home.

When I'd sent the letter to the chat that morning, I'd even braced for them to demand why I was running off so far.

Turns out I'd flattered myself. They didn't care in the slightest where I was going.

I switched off the screen and lowered my head to shove in a big mouthful of ramen.

The spicy broth burned the tip of my nose until it stung.

It's fine. If no one else loves you, you just love yourself.

2: 2

The storage room was airless, hot and stuffy as a steamer.

The smell of dust and damp hung in the air. I lay on a thin yoga mat and turned over all night.

It was almost dawn before I finally fell asleep.

Half-asleep, I thought I heard someone push the door open and say something.

I didn't catch it, so I rolled over and kept sleeping.

Then a basin of cold water splashed over me.

Mom stood in the doorway, a plastic basin in her hand.

"Sleep, sleep, sleep, all you know how to do is sleep. Your brother's about to land, and you're still lying there like a dead pig."

Dad leaned in for a look, his face dark.

"Are you doing this on purpose? Trying to make it clear your brother isn't welcome home?"

"Ungrateful little wretch. Selfish since you were small, only ever thinking of yourself. You can't even stand your own brother!"

I was wide awake now. I muttered under my breath.

"None of you told me he was coming back this morning."

To them, I was invisible.

Anything important, no one ever bothered to tell me.

But when they needed the whole family assembled for a nice show of togetherness, they expected me to show up on time, no question.

Soaked and miserable, I dragged myself up off the yoga mat.

"Hurry up, don't hold us back from picking up your brother."

By the time I got myself together and ran downstairs, I saw the rain outside coming down in sheets.

Cheryl was already waiting in the car below.

Dad and Mom sat in the back, the front passenger seat empty.

I reached for the front door out of habit, but Cheryl tossed her bag onto the seat.

"That seat's saved for Jon."

"The lumbar support's brand new, and he's a clean freak. If you sit there, he probably won't want to."

Rain dripped down onto my head, my neck.

I lowered my eyes to hide the sting in them.

I opened the back door. Mom sat right by it, not moving.

"Could you slide over a little?"

"That middle seat's for Toffee."

Rain slid down off my hair.

"He's not here right now, so I'll just sit there for"

Mom's face went cold at once.

"Do you have any sense at all? Don't you know Toffee's a clean freak just like Jon?"

Dad's brows drew together.

"A grown man like you, no self-awareness at all. What's wrong with taking the bus?"

I did have self-awareness.

My place was always behind Jonathan Sullivan, and now it was behind his dog too.

"Can I just not go?"

Mom shot me a look and said coldly,

"Jon's finally back in the country, and you, his own brother, won't come? How's he supposed to feel?"

"Did all that schooling go straight to the dogs? What a waste, raising you this big!"

Cheryl said nothing, head down, refreshing the flight status over and over.

She fastened her seatbelt without so much as a glance at me.

"That's enough, we'll be late if we don't leave now."

"Jon's been on a flight over ten hours, he must be worn out. We can't make him wait on us."

"There's no room in the car. Go take the bus."

Mom slammed the door shut. The car pulled away and was gone.

Water splashed all over me.

In the driving wind and rain, my umbrella bent out of shape, and I was already soaked through.

Twenty minutes on foot, then squeezing onto a packed bus.

The whole ride jolted along, my head spinning.

When I finally reached the airport, wet to the bone, the cold blast of the air conditioning left me shivering.

I sent a message to the group chat. "Where are you? Can you share your location with me?"

I waited a long time. No one answered.

I called Mom. She didn't pick up.

I called Dad. Same, no answer.

Finally I called Cheryl, and she picked up.

"We're already on our way back, and I need my phone for navigation. Hanging up now."

Watching the crowds moving through the airport, I suddenly laughed, and as I laughed the tears rolled down.

I didn't understand. We were both their sons, so why were they this heartless, this cold to me.

My thoughtfulness, my good sense, was worth nothing in their eyes.

Worth less, even, than a dog my brother had picked up on a whim.

"My birthday's the day after tomorrow. Don't anyone forget, get ready in advance."

Dad's reply popped up right away: "Won't forget, got it ready long ago."

Cheryl added one too: "I've prepared a surprise as well."

Something stirred in my chest.

The day after tomorrow was my birthday.

3: 3

My heart, already frozen over, quietly stirred with a little hope again.

The past few years, every time my birthday came around, Mom would sigh and shake her head.

"There's no telling whether Jonathan's taking care of himself out there. Let's hold off on your birthday for now."

"We'll celebrate together once Jonathan's back."

Maybe Mom and Dad just missed my brother so much, so far away overseas, that they'd overlooked me without meaning to.

I told myself that, and even the pouring rain felt a little sweet.

The whole way back, I couldn't calm down.

When I got home, there wasn't a soul in the house.

I ran into the neighbor. "Your family just went out to dinner together. How come you didn't go?"

Any other time, I would have quietly ached over that.

This time I lifted my head and answered lightly.

"Yeah, my brother's home, so everyone went out to celebrate."

I changed into clean clothes and jogged all the way to the seafood restaurant from the night before.

By the time I got there, they were nearly finished eating.

They glanced up at me, then went right back to their fun.

The letdown rose in me, but the thought of my birthday three days away made me quickly talk myself out of being petty.

After I'd filled my stomach with plain water, they finally stood up.

Cheryl looked tenderly at Jonathan beside her.

"Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan, Jonathan hasn't been home in so long. I booked a photography studio just for this."

"Let's go get a family portrait taken. Something to remember it by."

Everyone agreed with the idea at once.

It hit me then. Back when Cheryl and I were secretly dating, she'd promised.

"Once you're done with your SATs, we'll get a set of couple photos taken and announce it to the whole world."

Was she planning to make it official today, with the whole family here?

I pressed down hard on the pounding in my chest and followed behind them in silence.

Inside the studio, Mom and Dad sat neatly in the front row.

Jonathan and Cheryl stood side by side, matched so well they looked like a wedding shoot.

I hesitated, then went to stand on Cheryl's other side, only for the photographer to point at me.

"You there. What you're wearing doesn't really go with the rest. It throws off the whole picture."

I looked down at my old school uniform, washed pale.

The rest of them had all arranged beforehand to wear light clothes in the same color family.

Only me. I looked like an outsider who'd wandered into the frame by mistake.

Mom turned to glance at me. "Sit this one out."

I twisted my fingers together. "Isn't this a family portrait?"

Dad knit his brows. "When we say step aside, you step aside. Why all the backtalk?"

Cheryl was leaning close to Jonathan, saying something to him, not noticing my embarrassment at all.

The hurt jammed up in my throat, and all I could do was quietly retreat into the shadows off to the side.

It's fine. Cheryl will announce it in a bit.

Once they'd finally finished the family portrait, Mom and Dad stood up, beaming at the two of them.

"Cheryl, why don't you take one alone with Jonathan?"

"You two are dressed so well together today. It'd be a shame not to."

Jonathan flushed. Cheryl smiled and pulled him over.

"Then let's take one."

I stood off to the side, holding my patience, watching them take one intimate photo after another.

At last it ended, and my heart was in my throat.

But she only gave me a faint glance, and then the whole group walked right past me and out.

The promise from before, she'd forgotten it completely.

I blinked hard, forcing back the wet stinging in my eyes.

Maybe she wanted to save it for my birthday itself, to surprise me.

I should trust her.

Over the next two days, cold as everyone stayed toward me, I tried my hardest to please every one of them.

I cleaned up the living room without being asked, washed the dishes piled in the sink, and carefully looked after the puppy Jonathan had brought home, Toffee.

The night before my birthday, I dug out the bank card I'd been saving on for years.

I quietly worked it out. If they gave me a birthday present tomorrow, what should I pick out to give them in return.

I tossed and turned all night, and waited for dawn with my heart full of hope.

4: 4

The second my summer shift ended, I rushed home.

Cheryl's car was already parked downstairs.

Someone was hauling things into the elevator, and I couldn't wait a single second, so I took the stairs, all six flights in one breath.

My heart pounded, and my hands shook with excitement.

I opened the door to a blaze of light, the living room strung with colored balloons.

"Mom, Dad, I'm ho"

The words stuck in my throat, and the smile froze on my face.

Under all that lavish decoration, my brother Jonathan stood in front of a three-tier cake, holding Toffee, who wore a little birthday hat.

Mom recovered first and shot me a cold glare.

"What's with all the shrieking? You'll scare my precious granddaughter."

Dad looked just as displeased.

"Gone all day, no sign of you. The whole house is busy setting up and you don't even help."

Cheryl didn't spare me a glance. Smiling, she pulled a gift box from her arms.

Out of it she lifted a glittering little star pendant and hung it around Toffee's neck.

"Happy first birthday, little Toffee!"

That star pendant was the gift I'd bought her last year, with money I earned working.

And she'd just handed it to the dog.

Loss and grief crashed over me from every side.

Jonathan looked up at me. "Bert, what did you get for Toffee?"

Every eye in the room turned to me.

I stood there frozen, my throat aching.

I'd been so sure this party was for me. Who prepares a birthday gift for himself?

Seeing me say nothing, Jonathan's eyes went misty.

"Bert, is it that you don't want me and Toffee coming home?"

My parents' accusations came one after another.

"Bertram, how can you be so thoughtless? Jon finally comes back home and you haven't got a single kind gesture for him?"

Cheryl lifted her eyes to me, distant and cool.

"Bertram, you really are in the wrong here."

I kept my head down and bit down hard on my lip.

They'd gone to all this trouble, pouring their hearts into a birthday for my brother's pet.

And not one of them remembered that today was my birthday too.

"It's a good day. What are you doing with that miserable face?"

"Get back to your room. Stop embarrassing us out here."

Mom dragged me back to the storage room and locked the door from the outside.

Before long, laughter and cheerful voices drifted in from the party.

Tears soaked through the pillow.

I don't know how much time passed before thick smoke filled the air.

I jerked awake and beat on the door with everything I had.

No one answered. Choking, coughing, I grabbed the hammer from the toolbox beside me and pounded at the lock.

I was about to break out when the cabinet beside me toppled over and slammed onto my legs.

I crashed to the floor, unable to move.

"Help, someone help"

The door to my parents' bedroom opened, and Mom stepped over me and shoved into my brother's room.

She carried him out on her back and ran, never once looking back.

The smoke thickened, and I coughed violently.

Then Cheryl came into view, and a spark of hope flared in me again.

"Cher, I'm here"

Her steps paused. Then she turned and went into my old room instead.

Moments later, she hurried out with Toffee in her arms.

I closed my eyes, and tears slid down my cheeks.

At the edge of life and death, in her heart, the dog's life mattered more than mine.

Everything in me went cold.

I slowed my breathing, but the smoke still forced its way into my nose from every direction.

My breaths came faster and faster.

I clawed my way toward the door with the last of my strength.

There was movement at the doorway again.

Dad had come back, and I thought he'd finally realized I was still inside.

My throat couldn't make a sound anymore, so I just looked at him through my tears.

Instead he stepped past me and ran to Toffee's room.

When he came out, Toffee's kennel was in his arms.

"What are you lying there for? Fighting a dog for attention, and now you're faking injuries too? Have you no shame?"

Watching my father's back as he walked away, I couldn't help but laugh.

The smoke was dulling my mind.

At the edge of despair, I laughed at myself, bitter and hollow.

Fine, then. I'll give this life back to you.

From this day, the debt of being born to you is paid off. We owe each other nothing.