Love Is the Scorching Summer Evening Breeze

1: 1

Eight months after giving birth, I asked Thaddeus James for money for the first time.

A little fan on sale, fifty-nine ninety-nine.

A bottle of drugstore lotion, nine ninety-nine.

I looked at the balance on my phone and explained quietly.

The lotion lasts two years. That's five dollars a year.

"It's been hot lately. A cheap fan for the kitchen would be fine."

"Can you cover it for me? Once the baby's older and I'm back at work, I'll pay you back."

Thaddeus scrolled through his social media feed and didn't even look up.

"If you're hot, put up with it. You don't have a job. Who are you dressing up for?"

My hand froze, and I turned and saw the screen of his phone.

It was a post Jade Henson had just put up.

A whole spread of high-end skincare, and Thaddeus right there, swiping his card.

Back when Thaddeus's startup failed, to save him money,

I went three years without buying a single new outfit, and cut every daily expense I could.

At the hardest point, I held the baby and cried the whole night, and still didn't have the heart to add one bit of trouble to his load.

I thought if we just pulled together, we could get through it.

But in the end, he was as impressive as ever.

And I was the only one left, the clown who couldn't even afford a ten-dollar bottle of lotion.

1.

I stared at the photo for a long time.

"You gave that skincare set to Jade Henson?"

Thaddeus's hand hung in midair.

"You went through my phone?"

"The newest La Mer cream. Over twenty thousand dollars. That's half a year of living expenses for this family."

Thaddeus was silent for a few seconds, and his tone turned cold.

"Jade brought an important client to the company. The gift was to maintain the relationship."

"Do you even understand business dealings? All you can do is fixate on this little bit of money."

After the company's cash flow broke down, every expense at home had to be counted to the last cent.

Formula couldn't go over a hundred. Diapers were rationed by the piece.

This little bit of money he was talking about would buy the baby formula for a long time.

It would buy me a lifetime of lotion.

"If it's only work, why would she post something like this?"

I pointed to the line on Jade's feed. It really feels good to be kept in someone's heart.

"I want to ask her whether this is a client's gift or a personal one."

I pushed the cart toward the elevator.

Thaddeus grabbed my wrist.

"Celine Donaldson, can you stop making a scene?"

"Jade is an important partner for the company. If you run off and confront her over twenty thousand dollars, how does that make me look?"

"And what about me? When you do this, how does that make me look?"

Before we married, I was a top graduate working at a multinational firm too.

He was the one who turned me into a housewife shut off from the world.

My eyes stung as I turned back.

Thaddeus thought I really meant to go find Jade, and his grip tightened.

In the struggle, the cart slammed into a shelf.

Cans and seasoning bottles crashed to the floor, one after another.

I fell into the middle of the mess.

My palm burned.

Thaddeus didn't notice the cut on my hand, and didn't see the tears in my eyes.

He was only anxiously scanning the reactions of the people around us, keeping his voice low.

"Celine, can you stop embarrassing me?"

"I told you to stay home and raise the kid, not to turn into some useless woman who only knows how to hold out her hand for money!"

"One word from Jade brings the company hundreds of thousands in sales. What can you do for me besides spend?"

"Get up now and come home with me. Stop making a spectacle of yourself here!"

My ankle was twisted. I couldn't get up.

I wanted Thaddeus to help me up.

But he only gave me a cold look, and walked off without turning back.

In the end, it was a store worker beside me who pulled me up.

He glanced at where Thaddeus's back had already vanished, and said, a little awkwardly.

"Ma'am, the damaged items have to be paid at full price. Four hundred thirty-six dollars total. Card or cash?"

My balance was down to sixteen eighty.

I stood there, embarrassed.

I went through my contacts a few times before I worked up the courage to call Natalie Lawrence.

She was quiet for a moment. "Did something happen? Where's your husband?"

I dug my fingers hard into my palm and forced a smile.

"He's busy."

Busy keeping another woman company.

Natalie didn't press any further. She sent the money over.

I fought back the tears, crouched on the floor, and picked up the vegetables that had rolled loose.

The plastic bag had torn.

Two of the discount eggs had cracked too.

The yolk ran down between my fingers, sticky and pathetic.

The worker couldn't stand to watch, and bent down to help on his own.

When he got to the fan and the lotion, he asked me quietly.

"Do you still want these?"

I shook my head.

"No."

Thaddeus, and this marriage.

I didn't want any of it.

I stepped out of the supermarket, and a wave of heat hit my face.

I stood on the crowded street and, for the first time, thought about it seriously.

If I were going to leave Thaddeus, how much money would I need to save.

2: 2

2.

The plane ticket home was eighteen hundred dollars, and rent was two thousand.

All I needed was to find the plainest, most ordinary job there was.

Then I could get out of this life for good.

I took the bus home.

On the way, I started reworking the old resume I'd used years ago, one line at a time.

I got so absorbed I missed my stop.

Thaddeus's call came right after.

Celine, where are you? Why aren't you home yet?

Ann Lambert, our neighbor, cut in awkwardly to explain.

Thaddeus, don't be so harsh. The baby's been sick for days. It hasn't been easy on Celine either.

The baby had a fever a while back, and I'd sat up with him for days and nights without closing my eyes.

Ann was afraid I'd run myself into the ground.

So she'd offered to watch him for half a day and let me get some proper rest.

It was just that one little break.

But in Thaddeus's eyes, that made me an unfit mother.

I wanted to explain.

But listening to the baby's frantic screaming through the phone, all I could do was grit my teeth and flag down a cab home.

The second I walked in, Thaddeus shoved the baby and the bottle into my arms.

I've got a meeting in a bit.

Keep him quiet. Don't let him mess up my work!

The study door slammed shut.

The thin door held in the cool air.

From the other side, I could hear Jade's sweet little laugh.

And my chest ached like it was being stuck with needles.

The baby cried all the way into the night.

His body was burning up, back to a hundred and two.

I rushed to get Thaddeus.

What met me was a pair of irritated eyes.

Didn't I tell you to take him somewhere else?

I'm swamped. Can you not bother me while I'm working?

My voice was shaking with panic.

The baby's got a fever again. Did you mix his formula with cold water this afternoon?

Thaddeus's face froze.

He didn't answer, but his expression told me everything.

I had a chest full of anger, but there was no time to argue about it.

I threw a few of the baby's things into a bag.

Drive us to the hospital. His fever's too high. I can't handle this alone.

Thaddeus looked put out.

He'd just picked up the car keys when his phone rang.

Whatever the person on the other end said, his face went tense at once.

Jade's caught a cold. She's home alone and feeling terrible.

I'm going to go check on her.

I looked up in disbelief.

Your son is at a hundred and two right now!

A fever isn't going to kill him.

He frowned and grabbed his coat.

Aren't you his mother? Just take him to the hospital yourself.

Jade doesn't have any family here. It's pathetic, being sick all alone. Can't you show a little empathy?

The door slammed shut in front of me.

The baby jolted at the sound, his little mouth open, crying even harder.

My heart was breaking.

All I could do was hold him in one arm and push the stroller with the other, hurrying to the hospital.

The ankle I'd twisted that afternoon had swollen up.

Every step drove the pain straight through me.

The elevator wouldn't come, and then the baby suddenly threw up.

Sour milk ran down my shoulder and into my collar.

I couldn't free a hand to wipe it, so I just kissed his forehead over and over.

Don't be scared, baby. Mommy's taking you to the hospital.

Mommy's here

Sweat soaked through my clothes.

But the baby's little face was getting redder and redder, and his crying slowly faded.

My hands shook with fear.

The nurse couldn't help frowning.

Where's the baby's father? This one's got a serious fever, and I don't think you can manage him on your own like this.

My throat was dry.

He's busy.

He was always busy.

The child next to us was crying too, but his father held him and soothed him while the mother took the slip to pay.

And when my child cried, all I could do was hold him with one arm and tear the medicine packet open with my teeth.

By the time they got the IV into him, my arm had gone numb and sore, but I didn't dare switch hands.

The doctor said he needed to be watched overnight.

Holding my sleeping baby, I went upstairs to pick up the medicine.

As I passed a VIP suite, Jade's soft, coy laughter drifted out through the half-open door.

Thaddeus, it's just a cold. Why go to all this trouble?

My steps stopped, and I turned to look.

The spacious room was filled with flowers and candles.

Jade sat there in Thaddeus's suit jacket, cheeks flushed and rosy, not looking the least bit unwell.

Thaddeus sat across from her, head bent, cutting her steak.

I couldn't stop worrying about you. I want to stay right by your side.

The candlelight flickered.

The two of them leaned closer and closer.

Right as they were about to touch, I pushed the door open.

Thaddeus shot to his feet.

Our eyes met.

There was no guilt in his, only the anger of being caught.

Celine, what are you doing here? Didn't I tell you to stay home with the baby?

I lowered my head and gave a small laugh, saying each word clearly.

Thaddeus, let's get a divorce.

3: 3

3.

For two seconds the hospital room went quiet.

Then Thaddeus laughed, like he'd just heard the funniest joke in the world.

"Divorce?"

He looked me over, the pale face, the shirt stained with milk, and his mouth curled into a sneer.

"Divorce with what? No job, no income. You had to borrow four hundred dollars from a friend."

"You leave me, and what, you and the baby sleep on the street?"

So he knew. He knew every bit of how far down I'd been pushed.

I looked at the baby's small, pale face, and the ache in my chest deepened.

"Yes."

"This life of living off someone else's charity, holding out my hand for money, sleeping on the street would feel freer than this!"

Thaddeus gave a cold laugh.

"Celine, stop playing hard to get."

"A parasite like you, you think you can support yourself? After a divorce you won't even get custody of the child!"

Jade set her wine glass down at once.

"Thaddeus, don't talk to her like that."

The words were soothing, but her body kept leaning in toward him.

"Celine, you've got it all wrong. Thaddeus and I are just friends."

"He knows I'm not strong, he worries about me, that's the only reason he came to look after me."

As she spoke, Jade lifted a hand and tucked her hair behind her ear, showing off the diamond bracelet glittering on her wrist.

"He insisted on giving me this bracelet too."

"I told him it was too expensive, I wouldn't take it. But he said I'd landed the company a contract, and a little gift like this was nothing."

Then she pointed to the limited-edition handbag on the sofa.

"And that bag, I really did turn it down, more than once."

Thaddeus smiled, gentle.

"It's only a few thousand dollars, nothing worth much. No need to explain yourself to her."

Only a few thousand dollars.

A few hours ago he'd been shaming me over a few dozen.

Now, to keep Jade happy, a few thousand dollars was too trivial to mention.

I looked at the bandaged palm of my hand and couldn't stop myself from asking.

"Thaddeus, is this what you meant by the company being short on money?"

"Do you not have it, or do you just not want to spend it on me?"

Thaddeus frowned, his whole face impatient.

"Jade creates value for the company. Can you?"

"What have you ever done besides circle around that baby all day?"

"The whole house reeks of sour milk, and you don't even bother with your hair."

His eyes moved over me, full of disgust.

"You have a baby and you can't even hold your own pee. One sneeze and you wet your pants."

"I'm embarrassed to take you out, and you still have the nerve to compare yourself to Jade?"

The first time I leaked was the day of the baby's one-month celebration.

The house was full of guests. I was holding the baby and I sneezed, and suddenly there was a small wet patch on my pants.

I stood there mortified, not knowing what to do.

It was Thaddeus who put his arms around me.

He changed me into clean clothes and promised, over and over.

"This is a secret between husband and wife. I won't tell anyone."

Now that so-called secret had become his after-dinner joke with Jade.

Jade pressed her lips together, a flash of amusement she couldn't quite hide in her eyes.

"What are you looking at me for?"

Thaddeus let out a cold snort.

"Was anything I said wrong?"

"You make a fool of yourself, don't blame other people for not wanting you around!"

Thaddeus's voice had drawn plenty of attention.

Those sharp stares seemed to drag me back to that mortifying afternoon all over again.

I bit down hard, fighting to keep myself from falling apart.

"Why do I leak? Because I gave you a child! Because I've worn myself out for this family the whole time!"

"When I was pregnant and vomited until my stomach bled, you said the company was busy."

"When the wound after the birth hurt so much I couldn't sleep all night, you said you had a meeting the next day."

"I took care of the baby day and night and couldn't even get one hot meal."

"And you take the damage childbirth left on my body and use it to please another woman!"

My voice shook harder and harder, until in the end I couldn't get the words out through the crying.

Thaddeus only kept his face cold and pushed Jade behind him, shielding her.

"Are you done losing your mind? Jade's still sick. Do you have to make a scene until no one gets any peace?"

The baby's fever hit 102, and that didn't count as being sick.

Jade drank her wine and ate her steak, and she was the one who needed him at her side every second.

I looked at this man in front of me, and all at once I had no strength left to argue.

4: 4

4.

I carried the baby up to the inpatient ward on my own.

The nurse reminded me to settle the bill.

I tried again and again, and every payment failed.

Then my phone lit up with an alert.

"Your bank card has been suspended."

Behind me, the people in line clicked their tongues, impatient.

I dug through my whole bag and came up with only a few dollars in loose change.

Natalie had just fronted the money for the supermarket damages.

I couldn't bring myself to ask her for anything more, so I called Thaddeus.

More than a dozen calls, and no one picked up.

All I got was one cold reply.

"Once you've thought it through, come back and apologize to Jade."

"Apologize, and the card will work again."

I stared at the screen, cold all over.

Earlier, when I'd left the hospital room, Thaddeus had taken half a step after me.

He'd looked at the baby's little hand, bruised purple from the needle, and for a second something like pain crossed his eyes.

But in the end, he'd stopped.

Because of Jade.

Because he wasn't willing to let Jade feel slighted.

So this was his way of forcing me to bow my head.

The payment window prompted me again.

I looked down at my ring finger.

And in the end, I slid off the wedding ring.

A ring that had cost over ten thousand sold for two thousand three hundred.

The clerk asked me again and again, "Once we take it back, there's no getting it returned. Are you sure?"

I looked at the pale band of skin around the base of my finger and gave a small nod.

I used the money from the ring to pay the medical bill, then bought a plane ticket home.

A few hundred dollars left in the account.

But it was the first time in all these years that I'd truly held money that was mine.

I wanted to go back and pack a few clothes.

But the key wouldn't go into the lock no matter how I tried.

My fingerprint didn't work either.

I knocked for a long time, and the door finally opened.

Jade stood behind Thaddeus, wearing my slippers.

"You're finally back."

Her tone was easy, as if she were the real mistress of this home.

Thaddeus glanced at the baby in my arms, and his face softened a good deal.

His hand even lifted without his meaning it to.

But he looked at Jade beside him, and his face went cold again as he lowered it.

"You can come in. Apologize to Jade first."

I stood there for a few seconds.

"This is my home."

"Oh, so you still remember it's a home?"

Thaddeus blocked the doorway, his expression strange.

"If you do, then stop throwing divorce at me every chance you get."

"For the sake of how you've cared for the baby, bow your head today and we'll call it over."

I'd picked out every piece of furniture in this place myself.

In the kitchen there was still a bottle I hadn't had time to wash.

And now, to walk into my own home, I had to apologize to the woman who'd taken it over.

"Never mind."

I took the printed divorce papers out of my bag and set them down at the door.

I laid that key, the one that would never open the door again, gently on top to hold them in place.

"It's not like I planned to come back to this home anyway."

Thaddeus froze.

The pity in his eyes turned to pure impatience.

"Celine, what more do you want?"

"It's just an apology, it's not some huge deal. Why do you have to be so stubborn about it?"

I didn't answer him.

Holding the baby, I walked alone toward the elevator.

And then, in the very moment I stepped into it,

a sudden crash came from behind me.