Running From the Family That Never Loved Me

1: 1

On the first day of orientation camp, my sister sat in the folding chair my brother Antony Garner had carried out for her, eating the sweet bowl of porridge our mother was spooning into her mouth.

My childhood friend Ralph Fox stood beside her, holding up a little handheld fan.

I stood off to the side, my eyes lowered.

Listening to her chewing and the little "mm" sounds she made every so often, I couldn't help swallowing.

Fifty-five minutes later, she finally finished.

And I could finally lift my head and carefully take the thermos Antony held out to me.

I looked inside. Only a few ice cubes, still not fully melted.

I held the thermos, not knowing what to do.

Antony saw it and didn't like it one bit. He raised his voice.

"What are you looking at? You've been with us your whole life, and you still want to fight your sister over a bowl of porridge!"

Mother frowned and joined in.

"You've loved fighting with your sister since you were little. We had no choice but to send her abroad. I never thought you'd grow up and stay exactly the same."

Ralph looked at me too, disapproval all over his face.

My fingers stiffened. Slowly I set the thermos down, turned, and walked away.

Behind me came Antony's complaining and Mother's soothing.

Ralph jogged after me and pressed two one-dollar bills into my hand.

"Lolly, go buy yourself a cup of porridge at the snack shop. Don't fight your sister over it."

I held the two bills he'd forced on me, and there was nothing inside me at all.

Watching the whole crowd gathered around my sister, I suddenly laughed.

If my existence was a mistake from the very start,

then I might as well leave.

Growl after growl came from my stomach.

Only then did I remember I hadn't eaten a bite since training began.

The night before camp, Mother came into my room, a rare thing, and for the first time she took my hand and told me to get up early to bring my sister breakfast.

So today I got up so early it annoyed my roommates.

My sister had sent a long list.

Two bowls of noodle soup, one with no scallions, one with extra meat sauce; a breakfast sandwich, crispy; two meat buns and four veggie rolls.

The items were scattered in different places, one south, one north, one by the main gate.

By the time I'd delivered it all, it was already 5:50.

Looking at the long line, all I could do was grab a one-dollar loaf at the convenience store.

But I still didn't get the chance to eat it.

By now that loaf had gone soft and wrinkled in my pocket.

I dug it out, tore open the wrapper, and was just about to take the first bite.

The whistle blew.

Lunch was only one hour, and the instructor always called us in early.

So once again I didn't get to eat, and had to stuff it back in my pocket.

Rubbing my stomach, I hurried toward the assembly point.

Then a strong hand yanked me to a stop.

I looked up into Antony's impatient face.

Then Mother took my hand and said,

"Lolly, remember to wash your sister's clothes tonight."

"A whole day of training. She'll be worn out."

Ralph added from the side, "By hand. Your sister isn't used to anything else."

I froze. I was about to say something.

Then I saw the instructor across the way blowing his whistle in my direction.

Short and sharp.

I had no choice but to agree quickly.

Antony didn't like how half-hearted I sounded, and gripped my hand tighter, refusing to let go.

"You little brat, one mention of your sister and you turn into this!"

Ralph knitted his brows, a flicker of irritation under his eyes.

"Sery was overseas all this time. You should take care of her, give in to her, stop always trying to fight her. Think of it as making up for everything you've owed her all these years."

The instructor was shooting me a warning look. Holding back my tears, I gave in, my voice catching.

"I understand. I won't fight my sister. I'll take good care of her."

Only after I finished saying it did he let go, disgusted, and let me leave.

Ralph's tight expression slowly eased into his usual gentle look, and he lifted a hand toward the top of my head.

I turned aside to dodge it and ran for the assembly point.

But I was still a minute late.

The instructor made me run ten laps around the field as punishment, saying the whole time,

"Can certain students knock off the pampered act? You're in college now, and you still lean on your family for everything. When are you ever going to learn to stand on your own!"

Independent?

I ran, and I thought about it. What counts as independent?

Thirty days in a month, and they were gone at least half of them.

My parent-teacher conferences, my award ceremonies, even my birthday every year, they never came to a single one.

The moment I brought it up,

they'd throw my sister back in my face, the one living all alone overseas.

Over and over they called me greedy, never satisfied.

Greedy for what? What had I ever gotten?

Their company? They set aside time every month to go live abroad with my sister for a while.

Their love? Every time I ran a fever I went to the clinic and got the IV drip on my own.

Their money? I'd seen it clearly. My sister got ten thousand a month, and I got eight hundred.

The sun was so strong, the sweat so salty.

It stung my eyes until they ached, until I almost wanted to cry.

After the last lap I came back to the assembly point.

The instructor had dismissed the formation early, worried the students would get heatstroke in the heat.

Something pricked my chest like a needle.

My stomach was hollow and burning, dull empty waves rolling through it, until even my fingertips went weak and soft.

I went to the tap first and splashed water on my face.

The cold water hit my skin, and my body felt a good deal better.

In the quiet, a voice reached my ear.

"Hey. I've been watching you for a while. Any interest in the National Collegiate Track Championship?"

I looked up. A middle-aged woman in a coach's uniform stood in front of me.

2: 2

Back in the dorm.

When my roommates saw me come in, they all fell quiet.

My fingertips curled up without my noticing. Slowly, I spoke.

"I'm sorry I woke you all this morning. If there's anything I can do to make up for it, just say."

The room stayed silent after my words.

I tugged at the corner of my mouth and forced out a small smile.

Then I walked over to my bunk and lay down without a word.

I pulled out my phone and saw a new post my cousin had put up.

There was a screenshot of a chat with her roommates and a group photo.

In the chat, her roommates thanked her over and over for bringing them breakfast.

In the photo, she had her arm looped affectionately through a roommate's.

I sniffed.

Serena was doing it again.

Taking what I'd done and claiming it as her own, so other people would thank her, praise her.

Back in kindergarten, there was an award for helping out. She secretly took my chore card and traded it in with the teacher for the prize.

When I ran to my family in tears, Mom just told me not to nitpick with my cousin over every little thing. It was only a certificate. It wasn't worth anything.

Then she turned around and praised Serena, and took her to the Olympics, the trip I'd been dreaming about for so long.

When they came back, Mom brought me a little mascot keychain, and I jumped for joy.

Until I saw the big plush mascot doll Serena was hugging behind her.

The tears came down before I could stop them, and my shoulders trembled in small, held-back shakes.

Right then, a friend request popped up at the top of the screen.

It was Felicia Harding, our dorm leader.

The second I hit accept, a message came through.

[We didn't mean for it to be like this. I'm sorry.]

[Someone who said she was your cousin came to our dorm and told us you didn't like us, that we should keep our distance from you.]

I stared at the message, my mind going blank.

Then another one came:

[When you spoke up just now, we didn't react in time. But after thinking it over, we figured you're not that kind of person.]

With shaking hands, I typed back:

[Thank you for being willing to believe me.]

The next second, she pulled me into the dorm group chat.

I stared blankly up at the ceiling and didn't move for a long time.

I opened the chat with my cousin.

[Why did you go to my dorm and say those things about me!]

It was a good half hour before Serena replied:

[Lolly, has someone been turning you against me? I'm your own cousin.]

I looked at those words, my own cousin, and all I could do was find them funny.

I set my phone down by the pillow and stopped paying her any attention.

Just then, a phone rang.

It was Ralph Fox.

"Lola Garner, open your eyes and look properly. Don't believe just anyone and start misjudging your own cousin."

The air went still, and the roommates' chatter vanished all at once.

I raised a hand to them in apology.

I turned away and lowered the volume.

Then Ralph's cold voice came through again.

"I know you've got some grudge against her in your heart, but you don't have to be this petty. You're reading too much into most of it. She's nowhere near as bad as you make her out to be."

I smiled, grief buried deep in my eyes.

Right. It's all my fault. I'm the narrow-minded one.

No matter what happens, in their mouths, the one in the wrong is always me.

I hung up, and Ralph's voice kept circling in my head.

In the first eighteen years of my life, the one who'd stayed by my side the longest was Ralph.

When I heard my cousin was coming back to the country, I said to him, a little unreasonably,

"After she's back, don't forget about me like the rest of them. It would really hurt me if you did."

He said he wouldn't.

And in the end, he turned out just like Mom, just like my brother.

Thinking about it, I slowly closed my eyes.

In the dream, I was in a huge white space, curled tightly into myself, quietly crying.

Then all at once the scene changed.

I was standing on a track, running with the wind at my back.

Not caring what anyone said, just running forward.

The wind carried off my tears and scattered the sorrow.

My eyes snapped open. I grabbed my phone,

and sent a message to one name on my list:

[Coach Head, I'll do it. I'll compete in the championship!]

3: 3

The second I sent it, Coach Head shot back a quick OK!

But be sure you're certain. We're going for the championship in this one. The training will be brutal, and it's closed-camp, so prepare yourself mentally.

I replied: Yes, Coach. I'm not afraid of hard work.

Don't worry about school, I'll handle that. You can let your parents know so they don't worry when you disappear.

Okay, thank you, Coach.

After I sent it, I stared at that last line.

Would they even worry about me?

I turned onto my side on the bed, my cheek against the damp, split-seam pillow.

The memories rose up like a tide.

The year I was in ninth grade, I was walking home alone the way I always did.

I faintly heard soft, scattered footsteps behind me.

Without thinking, I broke into a sprint and ran home as fast as I could.

I made it to my own door thinking I could finally breathe, only to find it locked tight.

My parents had never given me a key, so I had no choice but to knock on Ralph Fox's door across the hall.

I borrowed Grandma Winfield's phone to call my parents and tell them what happened, my voice still shaking.

All that came back through the receiver was one weightless line: "You're a big kid now. You need to learn to be independent."

The words landed, and the call was cut clean, nothing left but the cold busy tone ringing in my ear.

That night, I saw my sister's post.

Even if it's only a dream, there will always be someone who takes my fear seriously.

That was how I found out Serena had had a nightmare, and the whole family had flown overseas to be with her.

So it turned out that big kid or not, they only ever cared about the people they wanted to care about.

I wiped the tears at the corners of my eyes with the sheet washed pale, switched off the phone, and closed my eyes.

Then a sharp burst of knocking came at the door.

A roommate who'd been napping woke with a start and grumbled, "Who is it? In the middle of the day."

Felicia got up and opened it, and the next second a familiar, grating voice cut in:

"Go get Lola Garner out here!"

I looked over at the sound. Serena was standing in the doorway, arms crossed.

I scrambled down quickly and hurried her away from the dorm.

Her voice didn't drop even a little as she went on:

"Ralph brought me some stuff. He's waiting at the gate right now. Go get it, don't keep him waiting."

She waggled her phone at me and ordered,

"Come straight back after, then go pick me up six meals. I already texted you the list."

She turned to leave, and I put out a hand to stop her.

"Where's the money?"

She blinked, then said,

"You've been living right there with Mom and Dad this whole time, and I never asked you for anything. Now you're the one asking me for money?"

I stayed planted in front of her and said again,

"Money. No money, you go yourself."

She rolled her eyes and pulled a thousand out of her pocket.

"Here. Consider it a tip. Now move!"

I watched her walk away, then looked down at the thousand in my hand.

What my sister tossed off without a thought was more than what Mom and Dad gave me in a whole month.

I went downstairs and out to the gate.

Ralph was leaning against a tree, his eyes fixed the whole time on the dorm entrance.

When he saw it was me, I clearly caught the way he froze for a second.

I pressed down the ache in my chest and walked up.

"My sister said you brought some things. Give them to me."

A little awkwardly, Ralph lifted a big bag of food and handed it over.

Then he scratched his head, dug around in his pocket for a long time, and finally came up with a box of chocolate.

He pushed it into my hand and said quietly,

"I'll buy you more next time. Make do with this for now."

The words were barely out before he hurried off.

When I made out the wrapping on that box of chocolate, something jammed hard in my throat.

It was the imported chocolate a student's parent had given me over the summer while I was tutoring.

I'd never been able to bring myself to taste it. In the small hours of Valentine's Day, heart full, I'd given it to Ralph.

I tore open the wrapper. The chocolate had already melted a little.

I dabbed a bit onto my fingertip and pressed it to my lips.

It really was good.

From now on I'd buy plenty of it. So much.

Only for myself.

4: 4

The next day.

I pulled out my phone and called Coach Head.

"Coach Head, could I trouble you to get me a leave from the drill instructor and the counselor? I want to go home and pack my things."

"Sure. Once you're done, I'll come pick you up."

After I hung up, I went home.

Through the living room washed in warm light, past my parents' room, my brother's room, my sister's room.

At the end I stopped in front of the attic, bent down, and crawled into the cramped corner I knew so well.

The space was small. The light was bad.

It was where I had lived for eighteen years.

I'd been born outside my parents' plans, and from start to finish I never had a room of my own.

Even when my sister went abroad and a room stood empty, they wouldn't let me have it.

I felt around under the pillow for something.

When my fingertips finally touched something hard, I let out a small breath.

I took out the box and opened it.

But the 1,729 dollars that were supposed to be inside were gone!

My fingers froze. I flipped the pillow over, then threw back the blanket.

Not a single dollar.

I heard the front door open in the living room, and I ran out clutching the box.

The moment they saw me home, their faces shifted, but they recovered quickly.

Mom asked in a low voice,

"Why are you back? Aren't you still in military training?"

I didn't answer. I opened the box and held it out to them.

"Where's my money?"

Mom's face went pale and she said nothing. My brother let out a cold snort.

"We used it to buy Serena a gown for the showcase. You're not going to make a fuss over that, are you?"

I kept my head down and said quietly,

"That was money I saved myself"

Before I could finish, my brother cut in.

"What do you mean, your money? Everything you've eaten and worn your whole life came from this family."

"Back then you're the one who got to stay by our side. Now we put a little money toward making it up to her, and you can't even stand for that?"

"She was out there all alone, going through so much. We wanted to be fair to her, just once. Is that wrong?"

Tears slid down my cheeks. I said softly,

"I'd rather have been the one going through it."

Antony frowned, his voice turning cold.

"What's the point of saying that now? Hurry back to school. Don't hold up Serena's lunch!"

Mom chimed in beside him.

"That's right, stop sulking. I'm already worried Serena's going hungry."

Ralph came over to my side and said, easy as anything,

"Be good, Lolly. Go on back to school."

I clenched my teeth and let my eyes move across all three of their faces.

Then I gave a soft hum, turned, and went back into the attic.

I packed up my things and left that house without looking back.

Mom called after me, in the direction I'd gone,

"Lola, remember to wash your sister's pink heels before the showcase!"

Behind her my brother's brow knotted hard, and he shouted,

"Lola Garner, not an ounce of manners!"

Off to the side, Ralph watched my quiet figure disappear, and a thread of unease rose in him.

The next day at noon, the family came to the school again.

Serena held the sweet bowl of porridge Mom had brought and started eating, not forgetting to say,

"Mom, Lola went too far. She didn't even bring me any food last night. My roommates laughed at me. You need to have a good talk with her later."

Mom dabbed gently at the fine sweat at Serena's temple, aching for her.

"Okay. Eat plenty. If it's not enough, I'll go home and get more."

My brother stood beside them holding a little handheld fan, smiling.

"That dress you mentioned, we bought it for you. Want to try it on after we eat?"

Serena's eyes lit up and she nodded again and again.

Ralph watched, a smile on his lips, but something sat wrong in him.

For the next several days, they all forgot to contact me.

The day of the showcase.

The whole family got to the auditorium, seated in the front rows, waiting for my sister's performance.

Ralph's eyes kept sweeping the room, distracted.

Mom noticed too, and frowned.

"Where did that Lola girl run off to? Haven't seen her for days. What a headache!"

Antony fiddled with the camera, careless.

"Don't bother about her. She's got no money on her. She can't run far even if she wants to."

"Not like Serena, who picked up all these talents. She just holes up at home all day and never goes out."

As he spoke, Serena went up on stage.

He stopped talking and swung the lens straight onto her.

On stage, she wore a pink evening gown studded with jewels, dazzling.

She danced along with the music.

Applause rolled through the room, cheers everywhere.

When it ended, Serena ran down clutching the trophy, thrilled.

"How was I?"

Mom gently wiped the fine sweat from her forehead and was the first to speak. "My precious daughter is the best!"

My brother came right after. "Serena, I'll always be proud to have you for a sister!"

Ralph gave a faint smile. "You were wonderful tonight."

Serena's cheeks went a little red, and she said shyly, "It's all because I had you all beside me."

She looked straight at Ralph, her expression coy and bashful.

My brother teased from the side. "Well, well, why's Serena blushing?"

Ralph laughed and swatted him off. "Cut it out. Let's go eat. Serena must be hungry."

They went to a small restaurant near the school.

After Mom ordered, something seemed to come back to her.

"Antony, call Lola and tell her to come eat with us."

Antony frowned slightly, but he still took out his phone and dialed her.

While the call rang, Ralph waved a server over to add a seat.

The server set the chair down, and still no one answered.

"Can't get through. That wretched girl Lola won't even pick up her phone!"

Ralph had no choice but to quietly send her a message.

After the message went out, he froze where he sat.