In the Ugly Duckling's World, Even Swans Are Guilty

1: 1

Mom loved to look you in the eye and lie.

When she wanted me to give my air-conditioned room to my sister, she pointed at the ninety-five-degree glare outside and smiled, gentle as anything.

The weather's so nice you won't even need the AC. Switch rooms with your sister.

If I took one extra bite of pot roast, she'd knock the fork out of my hand.

"That meat's gone bad, it'll give you the runs. Your sister's been constipated lately, let her have it."

It went on like that for a long time.

Until today, when I came home from the hospital and ran into a door-to-door salesman.

Mom pointed at me in the doorway, her face pinched with irritation.

"A gym membership? My daughter's got lung cancer, she'll be dead next month. I doubt she'll need it."

The salesman and I both froze where we stood.

It wasn't until he left, apology written all over his face, that I finally came back to myself.

"Mom, why would you say that?"

"I was just getting rid of her. It's not like you're actually dying. Why make a fuss over nothing?"

She pursed her lips, then added, feigning offhandedness,

"Your sister's been going on about studying abroad, but we don't quite have the money for it. You've been working all these years. You must have a decent bit saved up by now."

It hit me all at once. All those years of lying straight to people's faces, she'd done it for my sister.

But Mom didn't know that this time, her words had come true.

I really was going to die.

......

The bag clenched in my hand held a medical report.

I'd picked it up from the hospital today.

It was supposed to be an ordinary company health screening. I never expected that when I finished, the department head would stop me.

"Late-stage lung cancer. Our advice is to talk it through with your family and do the things you've always wanted to do."

Which was another way of saying I had no time left.

The whole walk home I'd been trying to think how to tell Mom in a way that wouldn't hurt her too much.

I never imagined her own words would come true first.

"Say something. Did work turn you stupid? Let me tell you, she's the only sister you'll ever have. You have to help her."

When I stayed quiet, Mom's brow creased slightly.

Head down, I stared at the mud flecks that had somehow gotten on the toes of my shoes, and it took me a long moment to find my voice.

"How much?"

Mom took it as a yes, and a smile broke across her face at once.

"Don't worry, I won't make you cover it all on your own. Three hundred thousand from you should about do it."

I frowned the moment I heard it.

"Three hundred thousand? I've only been working three years. Where would I get that kind of money?"

Her face darkened, and she threw the rag in her hand onto the table.

"That's not much at all. Look at Mrs. Chen's daughter next door, she's barely been working any time and she's already clearing ten grand a month. And you? You"

The front door swung open and my sister strode in.

"Mom, I'm starving. Is dinner ready?"

Mom scrambled to plaster on a smile, bending down to hand over her slippers.

"Bite your tongue, don't talk about dying, it's bad luck."

"Just a little longer, dinner's almost done."

Five minutes later, the whole spread of dishes had been pushed over to my sister's side of the table.

"You said last time you wanted braised barbecue ribs, so I got up early today just to go to the farmers' market on the west side of town. Go on, try them."

Mom kept piling food into my sister's bowl.

After a few bites, my sister finally noticed I was still just sitting there smiling, and she blinked at me, curious.

"Sis, why aren't you eating?"

Before I could answer, Mom cut in.

"Your sister's on a diet. Don't mind her."

Mom was lying to our faces again.

To anyone looking in, you'd never guess we were sisters.

I was small and thin, my hair the dry, yellowed brown of someone who'd never had enough of anything, out of breath after a few flights of stairs.

My sister had thick black hair and a fair, rosy complexion, and though she was five years younger, she stood a full head taller than me.

Mom had raised her well.

I glanced at the food on the table and said flatly,

"I don't have much of an appetite. You eat."

Mom shot me a quick look.

The look said, you're such a good girl, you know to leave things for your sister.

After dinner, Mom pushed my sister away when she went to do the dishes, and cleared her throat softly.

"Oh, right. Your sister says she'll cover the cost of your studying abroad."

My sister's eyes went wide, and she threw herself at me, wrapping me in a hug.

"Really, Sis? You're the best!"

"I'll buy you an iced latte, only a third of the sugar so you won't gain weight. I swear I'll wait on you hand and foot, boohoo, my wonderful big sister!"

Her hug was warm, eager and genuine, like a little pet's.

I lowered my head and let out a bitter laugh.

Of all things, my sister was good to me too.

Which left me nowhere to put all the hurt those years of unfairness had built up.

It jammed up in my chest, growing worse and worse, until in the end there was no fixing it.

Not that it mattered. I wasn't going to live anyway.

I pulled out my phone and checked the balance in my account.

One hundred five thousand six hundred forty-two dollars and ninety cents.

I paused, then transferred every last cent into her account, keeping nothing for myself.

"This is all I have. There's no more."

2: 2

When the transfer notification came through, my sister snatched up her phone at once.

She saw the amount and froze, then looked at me, confused.

"Maisie, is something wrong? Why is it such an odd number, right down to the last cent?"

Amanda leaned in to look, and her face darkened.

"Maisie Swanson, what's this supposed to be? You're making it look like I forced you to hand over every penny to your sister."

"Or is it that you're still sore because I told the salesman you were dying? So now you're doing this just to spite me!"

I looked up and let out a soft laugh.

"Mom, so you did know it would upset me."

Her mouth opened, but in the end nothing came out.

Seeing my sister's eyes still darting between us, Amanda pulled me into the study and let out a heavy sigh.

"Maisie, I know I misspoke just now but I'm doing this for the first time too, you know. It's only natural that I get some things wrong."

"When I was pregnant with you, that heartless father of yours ran off with another woman. Your grandmother came to the house and hit me, said I was useless. My life was bitter."

"Back then I could barely look after myself. How was I supposed to raise a child?"

I'd heard all of this many times.

So once I was old enough to understand, I took the housework on myself, and I never asked her for anything.

I thought that was just how a mother was, that I ought to be understanding.

But after she had my sister, I realized how badly I'd been wrong.

Amanda learned how to be a good mother, learned how to love her daughter.

She poured all her love into her other daughter.

And me, the symbol of her failed marriage, she deliberately left in a corner and ignored.

I'd long since gotten used to it, but in that moment, the hurt still rose up in me anyway.

"Mom,"

I said it slowly.

"You say it's your first time being a mother, but you were once a child too. You know exactly what it feels like to be deliberately ignored"

"Maisie Swanson!"

Her voice shot up all at once, furious.

"So raising you all these years is my fault now, is it! If it weren't for you, would I have suffered like that back then?!"

And I suddenly understood that her anger, right now, was because I hadn't accepted her grievances meekly the way I always had.

But I was tired.

And I knew arguing would settle nothing.

"Mom, I understand."

Once I'd said it, I went back to my room.

A few minutes later my sister pushed the door open.

Her face was full of worry, and she edged toward me carefully.

"Maisie, don't be angry anymore. You know that's just how Mom is. Sharp tongue, soft heart."

My sister was trying to comfort me.

But when the sharp tongue drives straight into your heart, it really does hurt.

I didn't say anything, just smiled and brushed my hand against her cheek.

"I know."

The next day, I went to the office to hand in my resignation.

When my coworkers heard about the lung cancer, they were full of sympathy and insisted on throwing a small party after work.

As it wound down, a male coworker I got along with well gave me a pendant he'd gotten from the church, said it had been blessed and he hoped heaven would save me.

I took it with a smile, and behind me a shrill shout suddenly rang out.

"Maisie Swanson, what do you think you're doing?!"

Amanda came rushing over, glaring at the coworker with open hostility.

"Your coworker told me you were eating here. Are you planning to run off with this dyed-hair kid?!"

I froze, and said in disbelief,

"Mom, what are you talking about? He's just an ordinary coworker."

"Do ordinary coworkers grab at each other out on the street!"

She snatched the pendant away without another word and slammed it hard onto the ground.

"Come home with me, now!"

The coworker, hit out of nowhere by all of this, had long since frozen in place, unable to say a word.

Something I couldn't name suddenly welled up in me.

I wrenched free, picked the pendant up, and handed it back to him.

"Here, take it back. I don't need it."

When I turned around, Amanda was staring at me, as if stunned by what I'd done, her chest heaving with rage.

After a long moment, she let out a cold, ugly little laugh.

"Quite the knack for reeling men in. No wonder you already knew how to drop your pants for older men back when you were just a teenager."

3: 3

I froze on the spot, a buzzing filling my ears.

"Mom, what did you say?"

She looked me up and down from where she stood over me.

"I said, thank God your sister isn't like you, learning to butter up men that young"

"Mom!"

The blood in my veins turned to ice. I screamed, my voice shaking.

"I didn't ask for it! That was all a lie. I was the one who got hurt!"

The summer I was eighteen was one long stretch of darkness.

Mom was off working down south back then. My sister was still little. I lived with Grandma.

Everyone in the village knew everyone, and sometimes things got ugly.

That day I'd just come home from school, and an old man had followed me toward the outhouse at the edge of the village.

My head ached from reciting for exams, and I didn't notice a thing. Not until...

Grandma found me first. Thank God there was still time to stop it.

It blew up big. Half the village crowded around, and Grandma nearly beat that old man to death.

Mom rushed back that night. The first thing she said was this:

"We can't let this get out."

"Maisie's a lost cause, but Cecily's still young. I won't have people thinking every daughter in this family has something wrong with her, that we raise loose girls."

For all these years, no one brought it up again.

I hadn't understood what she meant back then. Now it hit me all at once.

In her eyes I was already dirty, and she couldn't let that dirt splash onto my sister, Cecily Swanson.

But I was the victim. I was.

"Mom, how can you be this cruel..."

When I tried to speak again, I realized I'd been crying the whole time.

I forced the tears away and fought to stay calm.

"He's just a male coworker. I'm not as shameless as you think. The dinner tonight was only a send-off because I'm quitting."

The second she heard that, she panicked.

"Quitting? No way!"

"If you quit, what happens to your sister? I won't allow it!"

The prying looks around us, there and not there, stung something raw in my chest.

I dragged out a cold smile.

"I'm not Cecily's mother. What does she have to do with me?"

That one line froze her face over.

From that day on, she never said another word to me.

The house turned strange and silent.

Even my sister, who never noticed anything, could feel something was off.

She picked her moment and cornered me at my bedroom door, starting in on her peacemaking again.

"Sis, we're family. Is there anything we can't sit down and talk through?"

She had a slight frown.

Sometimes I couldn't help thinking about it: Mom had protected her too well.

So she couldn't see the currents running dark under this family.

"Think about it. If you quit, how are you going to live? Mom's only doing this for your own good."

I couldn't help but laugh.

"And what about you? You graduated months ago. How come Mom never says a word to you?"

For a second, Cecily's face went blank.

"I..."

She knew she didn't have to worry about any of it.

Because Mom had already had the will notarized long ago. All her money was going to Cecily.

In that instant, a flood of hatred and jealousy crawled up through my blood.

Why did she get to have it so easy?

Why was I the one nobody loved?

An old memory surfaced without warning, and the words came out before I could stop them.

"Cecily, you know, at first Mom wanted to abort you. You were never supposed to be born at all."

My sister went white as a sheet.

"What..."

Then I heard the rush of air by my ear.

A hard slap landed across my face with a crack.

"Maisie Swanson, keep it up and I'll rip that mouth of yours to shreds!"

4: 4

Mom hit me hard. In seconds my cheek swelled up.

Cecily stood frozen, unable to believe it.

"Mom, what my sister said... is it true?"

For once, Mom looked flustered.

"Cecily, don't listen to your sister's nonsense. I never once thought that."

I let out a soundless, cold laugh, and said flatly, "Those abortion pills. You were the one who sent me to buy them."

Back when she was pregnant with Cecily, Mom was in bad shape, both money-wise and physically.

On top of that, Grandma had gone to a fortune-teller who said this baby might be a debt-collector come to ruin us.

Mom jumped and threw herself around the house trying to lose it, and when that didn't work, she just told me to go buy the pills.

I brought the pills home. Then she changed her mind.

She stared at me, tears streaming down her face.

"Maisie, I can't get rid of this child. I had a dream. She kept calling me Mommy, over and over."

"I'm keeping this baby."

The night Cecily was born, Grandma led me out of the delivery room.

Through the thick glass, I looked at that little girl bundled in her blanket, and I was wild with jealousy.

I envied that she'd earned Mom's love the moment she was born. I envied that heaven had shown her mercy.

Later I grew up. I'd meant to just muddle through this life somehow.

Why was it that no one would ever help me?

Something surged up hot in my chest. I opened my mouth and coughed out a mouthful of blood.

The two of them jumped at the harsh red splash on the floor.

"Maisie, are you okay?"

Cecily reached out to steady me, but Mom got there first and pulled me down onto the couch.

"Quick, Cecily, get some tissues and wipe your sister off. Don't let her stain your favorite rug."

Something wrenched in my heart.

Cecily wouldn't let it go and took me to a clinic nearby to get checked, but a little clinic couldn't find anything wrong.

When we got back, Mom was busy in the kitchen.

The moment she saw me, she carried over the plate of sweet-and-sour pork in her hands and set it in front of me.

"Eat."

The bowl gleamed with grease. My stomach twisted at the sight of it.

I set down my chopsticks.

"You two eat."

Mom's brow creased, just barely.

"Enough already. Isn't this your favorite dish?"

"If it weren't for you I wouldn't even bother making it. It's a pain, and it takes forever."

I really did used to love it.

When I was little I'd get greedy, and if I ate a few more pieces she'd smack me across the face with her chopsticks.

"How did I raise such a greedy little thing? You eat all that, what's left for your sister!"

She hit me enough times that I stopped liking it.

The doctor said with this illness it's best not to eat greasy food, or it could speed up how fast the disease spreads.

But right now, looking at that flicker of disgust in Mom's eyes.

Suddenly none of it seemed to matter.

I let out a small sigh and picked up the chopsticks again.

"Fine. I'll eat."

I stuffed a bite into my mouth, barely chewed it, then shoved in another piece fast.

Too slow, so I just lifted the bowl and tipped it straight into my mouth. I couldn't taste anything.

My stomach couldn't take the abuse, and it churned harder.

"Ugh..."

I threw up a few times, and blood began to show in what came up.

They stood frozen, only just moving to stop me.

Then blood poured out of me in great mouthfuls, and I lost consciousness completely.

I don't know how long it was. I felt my body go light, turning into a wisp of a soul drifting in the air.

The soul came to Mom's side.

She had a fistful of the doctor's coat and was screaming at him.

"My daughter only threw up some blood, what do you mean she's dead?! You quacks, all of you, I'll sue you!"

The doctor's glasses had been yanked off, and he snapped back at her.

"Your daughter had late-stage lung cancer. She didn't have long left anyway. You're her mother, and you didn't know?"