After Mother Forced Me Into the Marriage, She Went Mad With Regret

My mother was known as the most virtuous stepmother in all the royal capital.

When my brother, running wild as he pleased, cracked open the head of the prime minister's little granddaughter, Father wanted to discipline him.

Mother stopped him.

An elder brother stands in a father's place. If Howard Dickerson did wrong, it's because his older brother set a poor example.

She had the servants strip off my outer robe and forced me to go and beg forgiveness.

I knelt outside the prime minister's gate for three full days before they agreed to let the matter with my brother drop.

Mother remembered every wrong my brother and sister ever committed, yet she only ever punished me.

"On the tenth day of the second month, the twenty-third year of the Grand Reign, Howard talked back to his tutor at the schoolhouse. His elder brother Cecil Dickerson failed in his duty to discipline him. Fifty strikes to the mouth."

"On the first day of the fifth month, Howard fought with the vice minister's son over a painting and disgraced the marquess's house. Cecil is to kneel in the family shrine for one night."

"On the thirteenth day of the eighth month, Peggy Dickerson and Howard slipped away to the pleasure barge and behaved shamelessly. Cecil failed in his duty as elder brother. Sixty lashes to the shins."

Every time I was punished, my brother and sister were sure to stand by and watch.

She could discipline her stepchildren without taking a single blow herself, and so her name for virtue spread far and wide.

Until the day my brother accidentally provoked the notoriously cruel Princess Rowena.

Mother handed down her verdict, cold and even.

"Howard chased after a woman he shouldn't have. As his elder brother, Cecil, you failed to raise him right, so you'll go to the princess's manor in his place."

To make sure I'd shoulder the blame without a fight, Mother slipped me a drugged aphrodisiac potion.

My body was already weak, and I breathed my last inside the bridal sedan.

What Mother didn't know was that I had long since struck a bargain with the most exalted man under heaven.

The imperial decree sending me back to my home region was already on its way.

...

The betrothal gifts the princess had sent sat there in the front courtyard, brazen and impossible to miss.

Not one person could bring themselves to smile.

My brother, worst of all, had gone bloodless in the face and looked ready to collapse.

The reason was simple. Everyone knew of the princess's cruelty. She had taken three husbands into her household, and none had lasted a month before dying.

The concubines who had died were beyond counting.

She was the daughter of the Grand Princess. No one but the emperor could ever bring a charge against her.

A declining marquess's house had no power to refuse.

Father was furious and heartsick both, and for once he lost his temper at my brother.

"Do you not know what kind of woman the princess is? You're the heir of this house, and now you can only marry into hers as a live-in husband! Once you're there, it won't be long before the princess's manor is holding a funeral!"

At Father's words, my brother could hold himself up no longer and dropped to the floor, tears streaming down without stop.

"I... I only thought she was beautiful, so I showed off in front of her. I truly didn't know she was the princess!"

His voice was thick with regret.

Father's face went ashen, and he turned his anger on Mother.

"Look at the fine son you raised! Just as I thought, a stepmother doesn't put her heart into it. Sneaking off to court a woman on his own. What son of a noble house would ever do something so shameless!"

Father tore Mother's dignity down without mercy. The marquess's house might be in decline, but it was still far above the family Mother had come from.

Mother could barely hold her composed, gracious bearing, but she soon thought of a way out.

She looked at me.

"Kneel!"

I dropped to my knees on reflex.

My knees struck the cold floor, the hard ground biting into them, but I was used to it.

After all, whenever my brother or sister did wrong, Mother made me kneel and take the punishment.

Mother rose and took the disciplinary rod a servant handed her.

First she stood before my brother, looking down at him as she scolded.

"Do you understand what you did wrong?"

My brother only sobbed, unable to get a word out.

Mother swung the rod backhanded across my back.

The force was such that you could hear it cut the air.

Where the rod landed, the pain burned like fire.

"Ah!"

The cry tore out of me, but under Mother's warning glare I swallowed the rest of it back down.

My brother was too frightened to speak.

"First. Marriage is a matter for one's parents to decide. Who gave you leave to seek out another woman on your own?"

As she spoke, she struck my back again.

I bit down hard on my hand and tasted blood.

I couldn't make a sound while Mother was teaching my brother his lesson, or the punishment would only get worse.

"The princess is not a woman who listens to reason. She's sent the betrothal gifts, and if we don't obediently deliver our son to her, this house is in mortal danger."

"And that is your second wrong."

Crack, crack. She brought the rod down twice more.

Cold sweat poured off me, and the pain sent the world blacking out in waves.

Mother's face stayed empty of expression, and each blow fell heavier than the last.

Father turned his head away and said nothing.

At last, my brother admitted his fault.

"I was wrong!"

He stared, trembling, at the rod in Mother's hand.

She set it down and gathered him gently into her arms.

"My son, to know your fault and mend it is the greatest good of all."

"Mother has had a solution all along."

My brother looked up at her, overjoyed.

But a bad feeling was already spreading through me.

Then Mother spoke, one word at a time:

"An elder brother stands in a father's place. Since Cecil couldn't keep his brother in line, let him be the one to marry into her household."

My head snapped up toward my mother.

"Mother, this wasn't my fault."

Howard was the one who'd wanted her and provoked the princess in the first place.

Frantic, I caught at the hem of her skirt.

Even my father was staring at her, startled.

"Cecil is your own flesh and blood. You'd really send him?"

"You must be joking, husband. Your children are all my children, and I have always treated them the same."

She pulled the skirt free of my grip and met my eyes without a trace of feeling.

"If there's anyone to blame, blame yourself for not keeping better watch over Howard."

I looked helplessly toward my brother and my father.

But my father only nodded, satisfied.

"Anya, you truly are a virtuous woman. I did not marry wrong."

My brother avoided my eyes. His tears had dried up too.

My mother had them drag me off to the family shrine.

"Your brother has already admitted his fault, and still you refuse to see yours. Kneel there for a night and clear your head."

My attendant Alden Malone rushed to help me toward the shrine.

The slightest movement of my back sent a tearing pain through me. I could barely stand, and leaned my whole weight on Alden.

I breathed the words against his ear, faint as a thread.

"Go find him. Bring him to save me."

Alden didn't let a flicker of anything show on his face. He only nodded, barely.

Once again I knelt in the shrine.

Pain shot through my knees in waves.

A sound came from the shrine door, so faint it was almost nothing.

I didn't turn. I kept my spine straight.

The matron my mother had sent found no fault in me and slipped away.

But I still didn't dare relax.

If the matron caught me slacking, kneeling improperly, and carried word to my mother, a beating with the rod would surely follow.

Cold sweat soaked through my clothes, dried half-dry against the heat of my body, then soaked through again. On and on.

My vision slowly blurred.

Memories of my childhood rose up in my mind.

I had known good days once.

Back then my true father was still alive, and my mother had not yet been like this toward me.

He used to carry me on his shoulders and call me his treasure, while my mother sat beside us embroidering, watching us with a gentle look.

Then my father died.

My grandfather wanted my mother to remarry, to become the marquess's second wife.

The truth was my mother's standing was far beneath a house like the marquess's, all the more so as a widow.

But the marquess thought a woman of her station suited him perfectly, easy to control. He already had a legitimate son and daughter and had no need for other children.

And so, under the watching eyes of the whole capital hungry for a show, my mother married the marquess.

I was forced to change my name too.

After she married the marquess, my mother changed.

Everyone watched her every move, the marquess included, terrified she might mistreat her stepchildren.

Three years had passed since the marquess's first wife died. He was buried in official duties and neglected their upbringing, and my younger brother and sister had grown crooked in temper.

As the second wife, my mother could do nothing right.

If she disciplined them strictly and taught my brother how to conduct himself, the old marchioness, who doted on her grandchildren, would summon my mother for a scolding: a stepmother was a stepmother after all, tormenting the first wife's children while she herself still lived. If she let everything slide, then people said she was spoiling the stepchildren to death to clear the way for her own child.

She thought on it a long time, and at last she hit upon a way to make an example of one to warn the rest.

She couldn't punish other people's children. But her own child, surely, was fair game.

So when my brother and sister did wrong, I was punished, and they watched.

That way they understood where they'd erred, and no real harm ever came to them.

The method worked well. My brother and sister began to obey her, and the old marchioness and the marquess praised her, satisfied, as a virtuous woman.

And I, the wounds on my body never healed for a single day.

"Mother, you see? I knew he was no honest boy!"

The shrine door was kicked open, and Alden was thrown inside.

Anya came in with the servants trailing behind her.

Alden was hurt all over, yet he still managed to shake his head at me.

I knew he was telling me not to do anything rash. But he was the only one in this house who was ever good to me. How could I stand there and watch him suffer and feel nothing?

Howard looked at me with a sneering little smile and clasped his hands toward Anya.

"If I hadn't kept an eye on the back gate ahead of time, this errand boy would've slipped right out."

"Look at him. Looks like he was going to find someone to come rescue him."

Anya rested her hand on the nanny's and asked nothing. She only let one cold word fall.

"Beat him to death."

I felt like I'd been dropped into an ice pit. I crawled on my knees to her feet.

"Mother, I'm the one who sent him out. It was my fault. Punish me, I beg you, but let Alden go."

I slammed my head against the floor, hard, again and again, until she stopped me before I'd done it many times.

She pressed the wound on my head gently with her handkerchief.

Hope rose in my chest.

The next instant it shattered.

"How is he supposed to please the princess with a marked-up face?"

Hands seized me and held me still.

They laid Alden across a bench, and the barbed rod came down across his lower back.

"Aaah!"

The shriek tore through the deep, long night.

And even then, he kept begging for a way to keep me alive.

"Madam, don't send the young master to the princess's manor. He'll die there, he'll die!"

I looked at Peggy, at Howard, pleading.

They only watched it all with cold eyes.

Alden's voice was growing fainter and fainter.

"Mother!"

I screamed.

From somewhere I found the strength to break free, and I threw myself over Alden to take one blow in his place.

Just one, and my lower back no longer felt like it belonged to me.

"I'll go to the princess's manor. Just let Alden go!"

Anya's expression did not change. She only had them drag me off him.

"You may not be a child of this house, but the marquess's manor has raised you all these years. You should at least be good for something."

"If you'd married off obediently, your errand boy wouldn't have to die. In the end, you're the one who killed him."

Howard said, with a touch of worry,

"Mother, are you sure the princess won't have anything to say about it?"

She put on a gentle smile and stroked Peggy's head.

"This wretch is good for nothing but a pretty face. And besides, the princess only asked for a young master of this house. Isn't your brother one too?"

Howard looked Alden over with interest.

"Cecil's no scholar and no fighter. It's past curfew. Who could he possibly go to? Some kept woman he's got on the side, maybe?"

Alden held on to his last breath.

"Madam, the Grand Princess is not the only power in this land. I beg you, think again!"

With that, Alden coughed up a mouthful of blood and died.

"Alden! Alden! Alden!"

Tears poured down my face, and under the enormity of it I lost consciousness on the spot.

Howard's face changed.

"Mother, the princess loves virgins above all. If Cecil has a woman out there and it angers the princess, won't she turn on this house?"

Anya stared at me where I lay senseless, then had someone haul over a bucket of ice water to bring me around.

I looked at her, dazed, and the tears came before anything else.

"Nanny Gwen, inspect his body."

Anya walked out of the shrine with her people.

Alden had meant to make her hesitate. He never imagined that what they cared about more was whether I was untouched.

The shrine doors closed in front of my eyes.

Anya was gone, but Howard did not leave.

Nanny Gwen had four errand boys pin down my hands and feet.

In that shrine I lost every last shred of dignity.

Despair and disgust broke me completely.

I screamed until my throat tore, and the shrine doors never opened.

Only when Nanny Gwen was satisfied was I let go.

She said I had never touched a woman, and only then did Anya breathe easier.

"Cecil had a way of contacting the outside, and that errand boy Alden was mixed up in it. His death is just as well. It keeps the family in order."

"In all the capital, how many hold more power than the Grand Princess? Even if some worthless woman comes to our door, we'll just beat her to death."

Howard looked at my face and let a sickening smile spread across it.

"Mother, don't worry. He's this pretty. He's sure to please the princess."

"Such a pity, though. One less male concubine in the house."

I stared at Anya in disbelief.

She looked at Howard with all a mother's tenderness.

"I'd meant to make Cecil your personal attendant after a while. With those tastes of yours, it's best to have someone at your side you know inside and out. I've trained him well. He'd have put you first in everything."

"But now, with this coming up, we have to keep you safe first. Once the business with the princess is settled, I'll pick out a good one for you."

Anya seemed unable to bear the stench of blood in the family shrine, and her brow creased.

Nanny Gwen took the hint.

"Get it out to the mass grave, quickly. Don't let it foul the mistress's eyes."

I watched them wrap Alden in a straw mat and carry him out.

I said nothing.

There was no one here who would ever help me.

The one person who had stood by me when I was punished, Alden, was dead too.

A grief I could not put into words made everything around me go silent.

"The longer this drags on, the more can go wrong. Take him to the princess's manor at first light. Say he has admired the princess for a long while and cannot wait another moment."

She meant to hand me over to the princess at once.

Numb, I let them dress me in the wedding clothes, let them arrange me however they pleased.

Anya looked at the deadened emptiness on my face and came over herself, a small vial in her hand.

She pried my mouth open and poured the sweet liquid down my throat.

She sneered.

"However upright and proper you carry yourself, once you've drunk this, you'll be begging for a woman's touch."

I had many questions I wanted to ask her.

Did she hate me so much that she wished me dead?

But the answer no longer mattered.

"Mother, you will regret this."

Someone would avenge me.

They helped me into the sedan.

The potion took hold. A heat rose from my belly and spread upward.

I lifted a bronze mirror. The man in it had a flush across his face, red enough to frighten.

At least the drug was strong.

"Cough."

I coughed up a mouthful of blood, and the bronze mirror slipped from my hand and fell to the floor.

A body worn through with wounds could never withstand a drug this fierce, and with the fresh injuries on top of it, I was already spent.

"Mother..."

If she knew it was her own potion that took my life, what expression would her face wear?

It didn't matter. I had left her a gift.

I hoped she would still be able to smile when the time came.

Slowly I closed my eyes, my breath growing fainter with each rise and fall.

Before long, the breathing stopped.

Father, Alden, I'm coming to find you.

...

Seated in the marquess's manor, Anya felt a sharp pain in her chest, as if something important had vanished.

She pressed a hand to it.

"That beast must have angered me into it. Another day I'll go to the temple and have a master drive off the bad luck."

Harvey patted her hand.

"You've worked hard, my dear. Howard, hurry now and thank your mother."

Howard fawned over her while Peggy chimed in with teasing, the whole scene warm and merry.

"My lord! My lady! Someone has come from the palace!"

A servant rushed in to report, flustered.

The eunuch had brought a decree.

"By the will of Heaven, the Emperor decrees: Cecil Dickerson, Left Grand Secretary, whose learning spans the classics and histories and whose talent reaches into the affairs of the world, is hereby appointed Right Assistant Inspector of the Board of Inspectors, dispatched to Ashford to oversee the grain and provisions and to set the troops and defenses in order."

The eunuch tucked the imperial decree away, smiling.

"Now, which of you is the Right Assistant Inspector?"