My Spring Never Came On Time

The second time I got pregnant, the whole family braced like a war was coming.

My mother-in-law quit my job for me. My mother moved in.

Everyone in that house watched every bite I ate, every hour I slept.

I was like a piece of fragile porcelain.

Locked away in a cabinet, handled with the most careful hands.

As if the smallest slip would shatter me.

But even with all that care.

I still lost the baby, out of nowhere, five months into the pregnancy.

The doctor called it a threatened miscarriage brought on by too much stress.

He told me to go home and let my body recover.

On the drive back, Marvin Simmons lost his temper with me for the first time.

"Kayla Henson, I honestly don't get what you're being so dramatic about."

"You don't work, you don't earn a dime. What stress could you possibly have?"

"Everyone in this family revolves around you. What more do you want? Why couldn't you even hold on to one baby?"

My mother-in-law said I was simply fated to be childless. My mother told me to take a good, hard look at myself.

But all I felt was tired. So tired.

Too tired to even think about what, exactly, I had done wrong.

1.

The bedroom door wasn't shut all the way.

I lay in bed and watched my mother bent over in the living room, apologizing.

"I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I didn't raise my daughter right."

"This girl has been willful since she was little. We spoiled her rotten. She can't take the slightest hardship."

My mother-in-law let out a helpless sigh.

"Young people these days are just so soft."

"Pregnant, and still staying up all hours every night, and greedy for snacks too. Who knows how much junk food she ate behind our backs."

Marvin sat beside them, his voice heavy.

"A few times I woke up in the middle of the night and saw her lying there with her eyes wide open."

"The doctor said no staying up late, and she just wouldn't listen."

I pushed the door open.

The living room went silent in an instant.

On the table sat a stack of conception guides, along with the herbal remedy prescription my mother-in-law had just picked up.

No one asked how the follow-up exam had gone.

No one cared how much a mother who had lost her child was hurting.

I looked at Marvin and spoke slowly.

"I didn't stay up late. I just couldn't sleep."

All this time, every time I lay down, I would hear my mother and my mother-in-law talking outside.

How many steps I'd walked. How much I'd eaten.

Whether I'd gained weight. Whether this baby would slip away too.

Those words came through the door, one line after another, burrowing into my ears.

Until I couldn't breathe.

My mother-in-law's brow furrowed, her tone sinking.

"What's the difference between not sleeping and staying up late?"

"If you really cared about the baby, you'd keep your eyes shut and sleep."

I turned to my mother.

"I didn't eat any junk food either."

"After I got pregnant, you wouldn't let me have snacks, wouldn't let me drink anything sweet. You even weighed my fruit out by the gram."

"Every single day it was boiled eggs, unsweetened soy milk, unsalted greens, and one bowl of fish soup after another."

"That stuff was fishy and awful to eat."

"Every time I swallowed it I wanted to gag, but I never once left anything on the plate."

My mother's face went dark.

She slapped the table hard and raised her voice.

"Kayla, what is that supposed to mean?"

"We're up at dawn and awake till late taking care of you, and now we did that wrong too?"

My mother-in-law gave a cold laugh.

"Well, the baby's gone now, so of course you can say whatever you like."

"Who knows if you snuck food when we weren't watching."

I opened my mouth, and had no idea what else there was to explain.

Marvin sighed and patted my shoulder, like he was soothing me.

"Forget it. It's over now. There's no point going on about all this."

"At least the doctor says Kayla's body is basically fine. A few months of rest and she'll be good as new."

He handed the prescription to his mother.

"Mom, let's just follow the remedy you suggested."

My mother-in-law nodded.

"Three months of rest first. Once her body recovers, we start trying again."

"This time we'll have to keep a tighter watch. We can't let her run wild."

My mother chimed in.

"The job's already been quit, so now she can just stay home and focus on getting her strength back."

"She's still young. There'll be another baby eventually."

I stood in the doorway and quietly lowered my head.

"I don't want to get pregnant again."

All three of them froze at once.

Marvin was the first to speak.

"Kayla, what nonsense are you talking?"

"Losing the baby is hard on all of us. You can't fall apart over one setback and start saying spiteful things like that."

My mother caught the shift in my mother-in-law's face and grabbed my hand first.

"What woman doesn't have children?"

"Be good. Get your health back, and stop making everyone worry."

Her hand was warm.

But all I felt was cold.

As if, in their eyes.

I wasn't a daughter, wasn't a wife.

Just a baby-making machine, broken for the moment, that needed fixing as soon as possible.

After that day, the house went quiet again.

Every morning at six, Mom knocked right on schedule.

First a bowl of herbal remedy, then two boiled eggs.

Temperature check at eight.

At ten, half an hour of walking laps around the living room.

Fish soup at noon.

Folic acid and a lineup of vitamins in the afternoon.

At nine sharp every night, my phone was taken away.

They called it building up my body.

But all I felt was that I'd fallen into some endless loop.

The same medicine.

The same meals.

The same voices.

"Eat a little more, for the baby."

"Sleep early, for the baby."

"Stop overthinking, it'll hurt your chances."

I was exhausted, but the moment I closed my eyes, their voices filled my head.

Before long, my hair started falling out.

First a few loose strands on the pillow.

Then whole clumps tangled in the comb.

When I washed my hair, the strands that came out clogged the drain until the water rose over the tops of my feet.

I crouched down and picked them up one by one, for a long time.

Mom rapped on the bathroom door.

"Why aren't you out yet? What if you catch a chill and it affects the pregnancy?"

I stared at the clump of hair in my hand and spoke slowly.

"Mom, I don't think I'm okay."

"I want to see a therapist."

Mom pushed the door open, glanced at me, and brushed it off.

"Every woman loses hair after a miscarriage. What's there to make a fuss about?"

"Hurry up and wipe the floor dry so you don't slip and fall, and then blame us again for not taking care of you."

I didn't move.

It was a long while before I finally walked out of the bathroom.

Mom was in the living room, chatting with Marvin's mother.

She was cracking sunflower seeds, and she let out a scornful little snort.

"Kayla actually wants to see a therapist. Can you believe it? We wait on her hand and foot, and somehow we've still done wrong by her."

"This girl. Nothing but trouble."

Marvin's mother nodded along.

"You're right. If word of this got out, what would people think of us?"

The two of them went on for a while before they finally noticed me standing there soaked.

Mom poked me on the forehead and turned to Marvin's mother with a fawning look.

"You hear that? All day at home you eat and sleep, sleep and eat. What psychological problem could you possibly have?"

"Don't go to a place like that. Even if you're not sick, they'll talk you into being sick."

Something sat heavy in my chest, an ache I couldn't put into words.

Without meaning to, I turned to look at Marvin.

After the first miscarriage, Marvin's mother had said the same kind of thing to me.

Back then, Marvin had stepped in front of me.

"The baby's gone. She's already hurting enough. None of you push her anymore."

He bought me flower seeds and carried in a new easel.

He said if I ever felt low, I should plant flowers, paint.

"It's okay if we don't have a baby. I just want you well."

I'd held on to that line all this time.

But now, Marvin only sat quietly drinking his tea.

"Mom's right."

"A therapist ends up prescribing pills in the end. What if it hurts your chances of conceiving?"

"Just bear with it a little longer. Once the baby's born, you can see whoever you want."

Bear with it again.

Can't work, bear with it.

Can't go out, bear with it.

Hurting inside, bear with it too.

As long as the baby wasn't born yet, every feeling I had could be shelved for later.

But...

Once the baby was born, would I really be free?

Mom started pushing me to go to bed again.

This time she took my phone and locked the bedroom door.

When I woke up, the balcony was empty.

The roses and jasmine I'd planted had all vanished.

Where the pots had stood, dark round rings were left on the floor.

Beside them, a bit of soil no one had swept up.

The easel in the study was gone too.

The one family portrait that was left had been crumpled.

The smiles in the painting had gone warped.

"Where are my things?"

Mom was wiping the table and didn't look up.

"Threw them out."

"Flowers draw bugs, paint has a smell. Which of those is any good for conceiving?"

Marvin's mother came out of the kitchen.

"The study's going to be turned into a nursery. Might as well clear it out ahead of time."

"Before the baby's born, don't fill your head with all that nonsense."

I stood where I was, not moving.

"But those are my things."

Mom finally lifted her head to look at me.

"A few pots of flowers, a few paintings. How could any of that matter more than the baby?"

"We run ourselves ragged, and for whom? How can you be so ungrateful?"

I looked at Marvin.

"Those flowers and paintings, you gave them to me."

He was silent for a moment, then took the painting out of my hand.

I thought he was going to keep it for me.

But he turned and dropped it into the trash.

"Once the baby's born, I'll buy you new ones."

"Listen to Mom for now. Don't wear everyone out."

The door closed.

I looked at the empty balcony.

And suddenly I wanted to tell him that I was worn out too.

At dinner that night, Marvin's mother glanced at the date on her phone.

"Today's the ovulation window."

My mother filled a bowl of soup for me right away.

"Drink plenty, and get to bed early tonight."

They discussed the timing to my face, discussed positions, discussed when next month they'd have me take a pregnancy test.

No one asked whether I was willing.

After dinner, Marvin went into the bedroom early.

The door locked behind him.

I heard that click, and my whole body went taut.

"I don't want to."

Marvin's brow furrowed.

"You've recovered now. Mom says today's the best chance."

I shook my head hard.

"I told you, I don't want to get pregnant again right now."

The patience drained slowly from his face.

"Everyone's been running around for you all this time, and now you say you don't want it?"

"Kayla, can't you stop being so selfish?"

He gripped my wrist and pushed me down onto the bed.

In the scramble, my elbow knocked over the bedside lamp, and it struck Marvin.

My mother heard the noise and rushed in.

When they saw the blood on Marvin's face, both of them went white with alarm.

Marvin's mother started to step forward, but my mother suddenly grabbed her.

The two of them muttered something I couldn't catch.

Marvin's mother's face changed, and she instinctively backed away a few steps.

I still didn't understand what was happening.

Early the next morning, several strangers burst into the bedroom.

They seized my arms and dragged me out to the living room.

A red cloth came down hard over my head, and choking smoke kept pushing up into my nose.

Someone kicked the backs of my knees and forced me down.

Someone clamped my jaw and poured water mixed with paper ash into my mouth.

I choked and coughed violently, crying out for help with everything I had.

"Mom, help me!"

My mother was right there, and yet she held my shoulders down with all her strength.

"Just bear it. Once we drive the filthy thing out, you'll go back to how you used to be."

I froze.

It was as though an invisible blade had pinned me in place, unable to move.

Marvin's mother only grew happier.

"It's working, it's working!"

"You had the right idea after all. If I'd known, why bother with any hospital? We should have driven the evil out of her sooner!"

The hands pinning me down bore down harder.

Marvin seemed unable to bear watching.

"Kayla, bear it a little longer. Mom's doing this for your own good too."

"Take the medicine like a good girl, so we can have a baby sooner."

They'd lost their minds.

Every one of them had lost their minds.

Terrified, I tore off the red cloth and ran for the door as hard as I could.

The neighbor next door had just opened their door when my mother came chasing after me.

"Don't mind her, the girl's gone mad."

"She's been unhinged since the miscarriage. Her mind's gone. She just now hurt her own husband."

"Keep your distance, quick, before she hurts you too!"

I stood frozen where I was, tears sliding down through the incense ash on my face.

"I'm not mad. I'm only sick."

"I only wanted to see a therapist!"

No one cared about my tears.

Marvin, his forehead wrapped in gauze, apologized to the neighbors, worn out.

Marvin's mother and my mother dragged me back, one on each side.

The neighbors watched me with pity, and not one of them dared step forward.

Someone urged me on.

"Girl, stop making a scene. They're all doing this for your good."

Someone shook their head.

"Marrying a wife like that is a real curse."

My nails dug hard into the corner of the wall until they bled.

The next second, the door slammed shut.

It cut me off from everything I had left to hope for.

They locked me up.

They took my phone.

Everything sharp in the room was carried out.

I could hear Marvin and my mother on the phone, one call after another.

They said I'd gone crazy.

They begged relatives and friends to help them find another healer to look at me.

On the third day, Marvin set the phone down in front of me.

The family group chat already had hundreds of messages.

The latest one was my mother saying I'd changed completely after the miscarriage.

That I threw things and hit people, and kept imagining the whole family was out to hurt me.

Marvin's mother followed with a voice note.

Our Marvin has such a hard life. He works all day, and at night he has to guard against her going mad.

The relatives' replies popped up one by one.

Kayla, Marvin's been good enough to you. Don't be ungrateful.

Two mothers take turns waiting on you. What more do you want?

Just listen and get your health back. Stop being a burden on everyone.

With shaking hands, I typed out a line.

They forced me to get pregnant, and they found someone to pour ash-water down my throat.

The message went through, and the group went quiet for a few seconds.

My aunt was the first to reply.

There she goes, talking nonsense again.

My mother sent a crying emoji.

What did I ever do to deserve this, being slandered like this by my own daughter.

I took a photo of my arm, welted red where the healer had struck me, and sent it to the group.

My uncle only told me to put down anything dangerous.

I told them everything I'd been through in this time.

My aunt just thought I was being dramatic.

Everyone goes through this. Why do you have to be so special?

What woman doesn't have children? Marvin's already been good enough to you.

No one asked how I got those injuries.

No one asked how I was doing.

Everyone was certain I'd gone crazy.

Marvin took the phone back.

See? It's not just us who think there's something wrong with you.

I stopped explaining.

My mother brought medicine, and I drank it.

Marvin's mother told me to take my temperature, and I took it.

Marvin came into the bedroom, and I stopped fighting.

They thought the exorcism had finally worked, and the smiles on their faces grew wider by the day.

A month later, two red lines appeared on the pregnancy test.

Marvin's mother cradled it and cried with excitement.

My mother held me too.

Thank goodness, Kayla. You've finally come to your senses.

The bedroom door, locked for a month, finally opened.

Marvin led me by the hand to the hospital for a checkup.

The whole way there, he gripped my hand tight.

I couldn't tell whether he did it out of love, or out of fear that I'd run.

In the exam room, the doctor looked at my chart, her brow drawing tighter and tighter.

Two miscarriages back to back, and her body hasn't recovered. How is she pregnant again this quickly?

Marvin's mother rushed to explain.

She's still young, and we've given her plenty of tonics.

Doctor, just tell us how to keep the baby. That's all we need.

The doctor looked up at me.

Do you want this child?

It was the first time in so long that anyone had asked me whether I wanted it.

I opened my mouth.

Marvin gave the answer for me first.

Of course she does. She's just been a little unstable lately.

She'll be fine after some more rest.

The doctor was about to press further, but Marvin's mother hurried us upstairs to get the report.

In the elevator, my mother and Marvin's mother were already discussing who would care for me during the confinement month this time.

Marvin bent over his phone, sharing the good news with the relatives.

I said nothing. I walked alone toward the end of the corridor.

The wind blew in through the window, straight into my face.

I suddenly thought of the flowers they'd thrown away.

Of the crumpled family photo in that drawing.

And of the countless times I'd screamed for help through that door.

I knew that even if this child was born,

my suffering wouldn't end with it.

I was so tired.

One foot stepped out onto the sill.

Behind me came Marvin's panicked voice.

This time, I didn't look back.