I Would Be a Drifting Cloud, Never Roosting on the Old Mountain

One month before the wedding, my boyfriend and my best friend picked out my wedding gown for me.

I looked at that gown and said nothing.

When you two first sent me the photos, this was the very first one I ruled out. I told you I don't like this kind of revealing style

My best friend, already trying the gown on, cut me off with a pained look.

"Carissa, this one is the prettiest. It'll photograph beautifully. You really should learn to be open to new things."

Dirk Henson was still circling her, hunting for angles to shoot from.

Only after he'd gotten a few shots he liked did he speak.

"Katherine Pruitt has almost the same figure as you, so you don't have to bother trying anything on yourself. You should count yourself lucky."

"Besides, with taste as low as yours, you can't go wrong just listening to your best friend."

Before I could get a word out.

The two of them went right back to debating how to shoot the wedding day for the best photos.

Since I didn't get a say in the gown.

Then there was no need for me to be part of the wedding day either.

They didn't notice my mood sinking. They were absorbed in their photo plans.

"This angle, right here. We have to get more shots with this pose."

"When we post it to announce the engagement, it'll blow everyone away."

Katherine directed excitedly, then leaned in close to my boyfriend.

"Don't forget to shoot wide-angle."

Their bodies were pressed close together, and it drew an admiring remark from the wedding company's staff.

"The two of them are so in love. Handsome groom, beautiful bride. They're perfect together."

Katherine heard it and shot me an awkward glance.

"You've got it wrong. I'm just the bride's best friend."

The staffer hurried to apologize to me and even brought over a small gift to make up for it.

I couldn't blame them for the mistake.

Even standing there watching, I thought they looked more like the couple.

The three of us had known each other since college.

Dirk and I met because my best friend introduced us.

We fell in love because she was the one who passed along the love letter and set it up.

Even settling down in this city was because she said she didn't want to be apart from me.

So the three of us stuck together again, inseparable, like conjoined twins.

But I was too busy with work. So busy that somewhere along the way, I'd been shut out without even knowing when.

"Carissa!"

My best friend's voice broke into my thoughts.

"It's not often a workaholic like you gets free time, and since you're here anyway, why don't you try the gown on yourself after all?"

I looked at that gown with its exposed chest and pressed my lips together.

I didn't move from where I stood.

They both knew perfectly well that when I was eight, I got a burn across my chest.

Ever since, I never wear anything with a wide neckline.

Before we picked out any gown, I said it over and over.

"I'm not asking for much. All I ask is that the gown not have a wide neckline."

Dirk said he understood, and then turned around and locked in this one, the one Katherine chose.

Only because on her, it made her skin look fair and her face lovely.

I gently said I didn't want to wear this one.

Katherine's eyes went red. "Carissa, I went through more than a hundred gowns to pick this one out for you, and now you're telling me you don't like it?"

Before I could say anything, Dirk frowned.

"Carissa Simmons, don't push it too far."

"These past few days, so she wouldn't hold up your work, Katherine got up at the crack of dawn to plan your wedding and pick your gown. She was so afraid you wouldn't like it, she compared them over and over."

"Even if you don't credit the effort, at least credit the trouble she went to. What right do you have to be so picky?"

His tone was full of blame. Beside him, Katherine tried to soothe things.

"All right, don't talk to Carissa like that."

Dirk's temper had always been quick, and once he started lecturing he couldn't stop.

But the moment Katherine put in a word, he'd shut up immediately.

She turned back to work on me.

"Carissa, this gown was bought three days ago. If you didn't like it, you should have said so sooner."

I gave a cold laugh. Bought three days ago, so why am I only finding out now?

No one had asked what I thought.

Katherine ruffled my hair, coaxing me the way you'd coax a child.

"So now."

"For the sake of all my careful picking, why don't you do me the favor of trying it on first?"

"If you really don't like it, we'll change the plan."

Dirk's face was cold, his voice thick with impatience.

"She's been more than good enough to you as a best friend."

"If you're this hard to please, then choose it yourself. Stop acting like a princess everyone has to fuss over."

I lowered my head, digging my nails into my palm until it ached.

All these years, it had always been like this.

At a tourist spot, I wouldn't drink the mango smoothie that gave me allergies.

But because my best friend had stood in line to buy it, my turning it down meant I was being difficult.

My stomach is weak. I can't eat spicy food.

Yet every time we ate out, three bowls of noodles would be ordered, all of them extra spicy.

When I wouldn't eat mine and ordered another bowl.

They'd say I'd taken their kindness for an insult and was just throwing a tantrum.

They only ever saw my best friend's effort, and my pickiness.

Not one of them ever asked me.

Whether I wanted any of it.

Just like the gown being forced on me now.

Everything I wanted to say, I was made to swallow back down.

I gave a bitter little smile. "Fine. I'll try it on."

By the time I stepped out of the fitting room, no one was looking at me.

Dirk was crouched beside Katherine, gently handing her a tissue to dab away her tears.

He stayed down there next to her, telling her corny jokes to coax her out of it, until Katherine finally burst out laughing.

Only then did Dirk laugh too.

"Carissa's out."

Katherine caught sight of me out of the corner of her eye and stood up right away, looking me over in the gown with open admiration.

"See, I told you I have good taste. It really does fit you."

Dirk took one glance and frowned.

"It fits, sure. But it doesn't look as good on her as it did on Katherine."

"That burn scar across her chest is honestly a turn-off."

"So stop being so picky."

"The gown looks fine. It's the person that's the problem."

Katherine's brow creased and she quickly cut Dirk off.

"That's going a little too far. You'll hurt Carissa's feelings."

"Carissa, don't listen to him, this gown really does suit you. As for the spot on your chest..."

"Don't worry about that either. I'll find a foundation that matches your skin tone, and we'll cover it up on the day so no one will even notice..."

I pressed a hand over my chest and looked Dirk straight in the eye.

"Tell me the truth."

"Does this really look good?"

Dirk was still digging through Katherine's bag for the foundation, not even lifting his head.

"You look good in anything."

That offhand.

Katherine says one throwaway line and he takes it to heart and acts on it immediately.

But the wedding I looked forward to and cared about was, in his eyes, just a game to be brushed off.

Now the whole thing felt utterly pointless.

I didn't say anything. I went back into the fitting room, changed out of the gown, and picked up my bag from the side.

"Something came up at work. I'm heading out first."

Dirk just gave me a flat glance.

"Such a workaholic."

"If Katherine weren't helping you out, when would you ever find time to plan a wedding?"

Dirk complained, and Katherine hurried to smooth it over with a smile.

"It's not like our Carissa got this busy overnight. She loves her work, she's famous for being a career woman."

"Overtime is no big deal. Just remember to show up on time on the wedding day."

"Actually, even if you don't come, it's fine"

Dirk's lips curved.

The look he gave Katherine was too complicated for me to read.

"I've still got you, don't I?"

"There you go teasing me again!"

Katherine laughed and gave Dirk a light kick.

That got him going, and he grinned and reached over to tickle her.

I couldn't stand to watch them carry on like that.

I turned and went outside to grab a ride.

The weather was scorching, and after a good ten minutes, still no driver had accepted my request.

Katherine got a phone call and had to leave on short notice.

Dirk picked up his car keys without a second's hesitation. "I'll drive you."

Katherine shot an awkward glance at me, standing in the doorway. "It's fine, you should drop Carissa off first."

"It's nothing, she's used to grabbing her own ride."

Dirk walked off toward the parking lot without looking back.

He didn't care at all why I'd been standing here this long.

"Besides, her office isn't far from here. She can walk back in a few minutes."

Then he went and opened the front passenger door himself.

As Katherine ducked inside, he kept his palm over the top of the doorframe, careful she wouldn't bump her head.

The passenger seat used to have a "Little Princess's Reserved Seat" tag I'd stuck on it.

I don't know when it had been peeled off.

Even the stuffed-animal cushion I always used had long since been quietly tossed to the back seat.

No wonder that side was always piled with heat pads I never used.

Katherine often got cramps. They were hers.

Only in that moment did I see it clearly.

It wasn't just the gown.

The passenger seat, it turned out, had stopped being mine a long time ago too.

Katherine waved at me through the window. "Rissa, we're off first."

Dirk hit the gas, and all he left behind was the exhaust.

My phone buzzed twice again.

It was HR at the company, pressing me.

"Ms. Simmons, have you made your decision? There's only one slot left for the overseas posting..."

I gave a self-mocking little laugh, then typed my reply.

"I've decided."

"I'm signing up. I accept the posting."

It took half an hour before I finally managed to grab a ride.

Back at the office, my coworkers crowded around me, buzzing with questions.

"Carissa, isn't your wedding next month?"

"I just saw your name on the overseas transfer list, of all places."

"What's going on? You'd give up the wedding, put a whole ocean between you and your husband?"

"Or is our little workaholic so set on this posting she'd trade in her husband for it?"

I gave a small smile.

"There's no wedding anymore."

That only made them more curious, but seeing I'd already gone back to work, they had the sense not to press.

After work, Dirk texted me.

"Let's grab dinner together."

I was about to say I couldn't, that I'd already made plans to get barbecue with coworkers.

With the transfer next month, chances to see them were only getting rarer.

Then Dirk added another line.

"Don't be difficult. Your best friend's coming too."

"You can play the hands-off act other times, but not today."

"We're going over the specific details for the wedding day. You're the bride, so of course you should hear them."

Staring at those lines, more than once I nearly gave in to the urge to lay it all out.

To tell him I wasn't getting married.

But I couldn't say it. If I came clean now, the trouble and hassle I'd have to deal with would be so much worse.

Better to wait until the very end.

The place they'd picked for dinner was a barbecue joint.

Dirk and Katherine moved through it like regulars, and the owner even came over smiling to greet them. It looked like they'd been here plenty of times. They were regulars.

When I arrived, the two of them were sharing one ice cream.

Catching my eye, Katherine quickly pushed the ice cream away. "Carissa, don't get the wrong idea."

"Dirk said the ice cream was too cold and he couldn't finish it, so I only had a taste."

"I'm not getting any idea."

I sat down, calm and unbothered. "We've been friends since we were kids. Why would something this small ever make me think anything?"

I watched the shrimp Dirk was peeling in his hands.

Counting silently in my head. Three, two, one.

Sure enough, just as I'd guessed.

Out of habit, Dirk set the peeled shrimp into my best friend's bowl.

Seeing me sit there silent, Katherine realized how it looked and elbowed Dirk.

"What are you doing? Your girlfriend's right here. Shouldn't the peeled shrimp go in your girlfriend's bowl?"

So Dirk froze mid-air with the shrimp in his hand.

Then took a little detour and set it in my bowl instead.

"Sorry, force of habit. Back when you were working late, the two of us were starving, so we came here to eat a lot."

"Katherine can't be bothered to peel shrimp, doesn't want to get her hands dirty, so I always do it for her."

I gripped my chopsticks, and it felt like a thousand ants crawling under my skin.

No wonder they were on such good terms with the owner.

While I was killing myself with overtime for the sake of our bright future, staying late at the office, not even getting a dinner,

the two of them were coming here to eat together.

They always said I was busy with work.

And little by little it just became the default, no more inviting me to anything.

Trips that used to be the three of us slowly, quietly, turned into the assumed two of them.

"Our Carissa's a busy woman, run off her feet every single day. We'll show you the photos when we're back from the trip."

"Trip?"

I looked up, caught off guard. "What trip?"

They said they'd already picked the spot for the honeymoon after the wedding.

They just weren't sure what it was actually like there, so they needed to scout it in person.

So they'd bought two tickets.

I looked at them. "So this time, again, I don't need to come?"

The air went quiet for a few seconds.

My best friend scratched her head and laughed. "It's just, we didn't want to disrupt your work, that's all."

"Dirk said you've been fighting for some rare job spot lately, so you must be swamped."

I didn't cave the way I used to, going along with her words just to smooth over the mood.

"Actually, no, I'm not that busy."

"I took wedding leave, the boss knows. I happen to have time these next few days."

"You've even locked in the honeymoon venue, so why is it that I, the bride, don't know a thing about it?"

They both froze, something like surprise on their faces.

Maybe they hadn't expected me, always the one who couldn't get away, to say something like that.

Seeing how awkward it had gotten, Katherine quickly pulled out her phone.

"Carissa, if you're unhappy about it, we can buy an extra ticket right now."

"Then the three of us can all go together"

Dirk frowned too.

Watching Katherine scroll and scroll, her face getting worse and worse, about to cry.

Finally he couldn't hold back.

"There are no tickets left, Carissa. Don't tag along just to be part of it."

"Besides, this time we're only going to scout it out, it's not the honeymoon. Wouldn't it be better to save the surprise for after the wedding?"

A rejection that plain, how could I not understand it?

I picked up the juice on the table and drank, keeping my voice light on purpose.

"Whatever you two decide is fine."

"You're the people I trust most. Whatever you arrange can't be wrong."

They glanced at each other, and both of them seemed to let out a breath.

"Carissa, you're my best friend. Your wedding is one of the biggest things in your life. I'll do anything to give you the best."

I looked at Katherine's face, so full of sincerity, and smiled. "Is that so."

If she knew it was one of the biggest things in my life,

then why was I left out of everything?

But once a thing like that is said out loud, it stops meaning anything.

Halfway through, Katherine went to the restroom.

A moment later, Dirk disappeared too.

Something urgent had come up at my company, and I wanted to tell them I was leaving early.

But at the restroom door, I heard Katherine ask, her voice thick with tears.

"Are you really going to marry her?"

I stood behind the wall and watched Katherine cry until her eyes were red and swollen.

"I don't mean anything by it. I've watched the two of you together for so many years, I don't want to break you up."

"It's just that thinking about the wedding, I can't quite hold back how sad I am"

Dirk was silent for a long time, and in the end he pressed her against the wall, his voice heavy with everything he was holding down.

"Katherine, I have to marry Carissa."

"I still love her. And she throws little tantrums now and then, but she hasn't done anything wrong. I have no reason to call off the engagement."

Katherine's eyes went redder. She looked up at him. "Then what about me?"

"Just now you gave the shrimp you peeled to Carissa. It really hurt."

"Every time I think about you being someone else's husband, I"

Dirk couldn't hold back anymore, and pulled her in against him.

"Easy."

"Even after I marry Carissa, I promise, things between us will stay exactly the way they've always been."

"But won't it be so hard on you"

Dirk didn't answer, but his eyes stayed fixed on hers.

I watched it coldly, and suddenly I smiled.

You don't need to make it hard on yourselves.

I'll give you what you want.

They spent a week at the seaside scouting for their honeymoon.

While they were gone, Katherine posted something on her feed that she'd blocked me from seeing. I could only find it on my secondary account.

"This place is so beautiful it feels like a dream. If only I could stay here forever and never have to go back."

The photo was of a couple from behind, out combing the tide flats.

She and Dirk, hand in hand, like a devoted pair.

But the day they came back, she posted again.

"The dream's over. Time to give him back to my best friend."

I pretended I'd seen none of it, and I stopped talking to them.

They noticed nothing off, still thinking I was the same as always, a workaholic who threw herself completely into her job.

Except on the day they returned, I happened to be walking out with my suitcase.

"Off on another business trip?"

Running into me, Dirk showed no surprise.

"How many days this time?"

I didn't want to lie, and I was still weighing how to answer.

Katherine spoke up beside him with a smile. "It won't be long, surely. The wedding's almost here, and to avoid being apart from you, when has Carissa ever taken a long trip?"

That one line pulled me back into memory.

Right. All these years.

I believed distance wore a relationship down.

That even after a fight, you couldn't get to the other person in time to say something soothing, or give them a hug.

So my trips almost never ran past a week.

But this time, the posting was for ten years.

"Don't worry. Your wife's a workaholic, but she'd never let it get in the way of the wedding."

Katherine, smoothing it over.

So Dirk, easy as that, didn't press any further.

For once he looked at me gently.

"Same rule as always. Once you get where you're going, send me a message and your location."

"Don't worry yourself over the wedding."

"On the day, just show up in your gown, on time."

With that, he took Katherine's suitcase and turned to go.

I watched the two of them walk away, a perfect match, and said it silently to myself,

but Dirk, this time I won't be showing up.

I turned, and without looking back, I held my boarding pass and walked through the gate.