Losing Three Rounds of the Passing Game, I Chose to Let Go

At the welcome-home dinner for my boyfriend's childhood friend, someone suggested we play pass-the-parcel.

Whoever the token landed on had to take off a piece of clothing.

First round, I took off my jacket.

Second round, the token landed in my lap again.

I looked to Ervin Henson for help. He gave a short, mocking laugh.

"If you can't take a joke, take a cab home."

I bit my lip and had just lifted the hem of my shirt when Marilyn Fox shoved her phone at me, snapping photos, laughing without stopping. "Ervin, your taste is awful. My little sis here's got nothing to show. What's the appeal?"

I froze, but the drumbeat kept going, and Marilyn timed it perfectly, jamming the token hard into my lap. "What are you taking off this time? Your pants, or"

She smiled, loaded with meaning, and elbowed Ervin. "So you're serving your girl up as a treat for the guys? That open-minded, huh?"

I clutched myself, face pale. "This round doesn't count for me!"

Marilyn's smile stalled. "Ervin, so this is the girl you're dating. She's got playing the innocent down to an art!"

"Fine, I'll take it off for her. Some people just count on their boyfriend spoiling them and pull this shameless act!"

Ervin's pupils shrank, and he hurried to wrap her in a blanket.

"Marilyn, how can you let outsiders see a girl's body!"

I stood there a long time, then suddenly laughed.

So he did know some things were worth protecting.

Ervin snapped at the group of guys who'd been joking around. "Turn around! Look again and I'll gouge your eyes out!"

Reg Fox, being Marilyn's older brother, lazily lit a cigarette and waved a hand at them. "All right, turn back around."

"Didn't think you'd actually treat Mari like some delicate little thing. You two used to bathe together, and now you care about this?"

Ervin shrugged, resigned, and pulled off his own jacket to drape over Marilyn. "She's mine. Can't have other people looking."

The guys around him started hooting, asking since when the two of them were together. "Mari's never cried this hard, all teary and trembling. Looks like she really got hurt."

Held in Ervin's arms, Marilyn cried with her shoulders shaking, but she still didn't forget to take a dig at me.

"All right, all right, I'm fine. I just can't stand it when some people take advantage of how easygoing Ervin is, putting on airs when we're all out having fun."

She sniffled, poking half her face out of the blanket, the corners of her eyes still red, and gave me a sweet smile. "Little sis, don't take it to heart, okay? We've been like this since we were kids. Ervin always sticks up for his own. Play with us a few more times and you'll get used to it."

A few more times.

I looked down at myself. Jacket gone, sweater gone, and now nothing left on me but a thin little camisole.

How was I supposed to keep playing?

Ervin never once looked at me from start to finish. He just frowned and tucked the blanket tighter around Marilyn. "Say less. If you catch a chill you'll be complaining about your stomach again."

Marilyn stuck out her tongue and pressed her luck. "Then pour me something hot. I want ginger tea, the kind from that place outside"

"I know. Same as always, less sugar, more ginger."

Ervin said it without missing a beat, like he'd said it a thousand times.

He got up and headed out, and his steps paused as he passed me.

I thought he'd finally remembered I was there.

"You're in the way," he said, flat.

I turned aside to let him through. He brushed past my shoulder, his jacket carrying a faint scent of cedar.

That bottle of cologne was the birthday gift I'd given him last month.

Reg sat across from us, watching it all with interest, and suddenly laughed. "Mari, stop clinging to Ervin all the time. He's got a girlfriend now. Mind your boundaries."

He said "watch yourself," but his tone was pure teasing, without a shred of seriousness.

Marilyn pouted, then suddenly hopped off the couch, crossed the room in her heels to the karaoke screen in the middle, and grabbed the mic.

"Fine, then I'll sing the boys a song to make up for it, all right? That one Ervin said I sang so well at the last team dinner"

She didn't announce the title, but the moment the intro played, it was a sugary love song.

She stood in the spotlight, hair loose over her shoulders, the hem of her dress swaying gently with the beat, her voice soft and sweet, nothing like the pushy girl from a minute ago.

The room went quiet.

The guys glanced at each other, and the look in their eyes had changed.

"Damn, Mari can sing like that?"

"How did we never notice Mari's actually pretty feminine."

"Ervin, you kept this quiet. You've got a childhood friend like this and you still hang out with us every day?"

When Marilyn hit the chorus, she threw a flirty look toward Ervin.

Ervin had just pushed the door open, carrying the ginger tea, and he froze for a second, then the corner of his mouth curved up.

I'd never seen that smile before.

It was full of admiration.

He set the tea on the table and leaned against the bar.

Arms crossed, he listened, quiet.

When Marilyn held the last note, the room broke into a mix of applause and whistles.

She dropped the mic and skipped back to Ervin's side.

She snatched the ginger tea out of his hand and took a big gulp, then stuck out her tongue at the heat. "So hot, so hot!"

Ervin frowned. "Slow down, no one's going to take it from you."

Marilyn tipped her face up, eyes bright. "Was it good?"

"It was okay." He turned his face away, but the tips of his ears went a little red.

"Okay means it was really good!"

Marilyn hugged his arm smugly and nuzzled her head against his shoulder.

"Then I'll sing for you every day from now onow, kidding, kidding, your girlfriend's still here. Ervin, your face just went dark, ha ha ha."

The whole room roared with laughter.

No one cared about me, wretched in the corner.

Reg wandered over and handed me a drink.

There was a trace of pity in his voice. "Don't just stand there, sit. Those two have been like this since they were kids. You'll get used to it eventually."

I took the glass, my fingertips ice-cold.

Get used to it.

Get used to Ervin's coldness, or to Marilyn crossing every line?

I tipped my head back and drank the whole thing, the liquor burning until my eyes stung.

"No need. I can't get used to it."

It wasn't until ten that night that Ervin called me.

"Why aren't you home? Throwing a tantrum in the middle of the night?"

I was curled up under the blanket, my breath scalding.

"Ervin, let's break up."

Three hours had passed before he even realized I was gone.

And I'd already swallowed the fever medicine, and now my whole body was limp.

Ervin was quiet for a moment.

"Over a game?"

"I know you're sensitive, but can you stop blowing everything out of proportion? Marilyn didn't mean any harm. She just likes to have fun."

I cut him off softly. "I don't like it."

"You two are two of a kind. Make her your girlfriend."

Ervin's tone turned displeased. "Don't spread rumors."

"Marilyn's still single. Saying things like that is irresponsible toward both of us. If you were half as easygoing as her, you wouldn't be trying to break up."

Every sentence landed straight in my chest.

It ached and it swelled, and I stared at his profile picture, lost.

It used to be the matching one we shared, a sweet-faced little bear.

Later, because he kept losing at truth-or-dare with his friends,

he wanted to switch to matching pictures with the girl he'd known the longest.

Marilyn was the girl next door to him.

At first he'd still explain. "We'll switch back in a week."

Week after week, they had their get-togethers. Every single week.

In half a year, Ervin changed his profile picture twenty-six times.

The first time, I cropped out the little heart in his picture and pretended it was half of a matching pair.

The second time, I cropped out the bow.

By the twenty-sixth time, his picture had become a selfie, and off to the right you could see a girl's long hair.

All at once it just felt pointless.

I switched my picture back to the cat I'd drawn myself.

Ervin saw it and even laughed. "How come you're not copying me anymore this time?"

I didn't explain, and he didn't press.

And so, without either of us noticing, we drifted further and further apart.

I heard my own voice come out hoarse, with a catch in it.

"Didn't I already say it? Then just go find her."

"Ervin, I'm not what you like. Stop forcing it."

The other end went quiet for a long time.

I took a deep breath and got ready to hang up.

"You're off crying by yourself again."

"Anna, tomorrow's your birthday. I booked the upscale restaurant."

His voice went gentle. "Does seven o'clock work?"

"I won't ask where you are. Just go clear your head."

"Tell me later, and I'll come pick you up."

He hung up first.

I buried my face in the pillow and let out a low sob.

Ervin was always like this.

He kept people in his heart. It was just that there was never only one of them there.

I couldn't decide whether or not to meet Ervin.

My best friend called to wish me a happy birthday.

The second I spoke, she could hear something was wrong.

"Annie, did That Dog Ervin give you attitude again?!"

I was about to answer when I noticed Ervin's profile picture had changed again.

Without knowing why, I clicked into his feed.

"Impossibly hard-to-book upscale restaurant! Gorgeous photos!"

I stared at that photo for a long time.

In it, Marilyn held up a knife and fork and flashed an exaggerated victory sign at the camera.

Behind her was the side of Ervin's face, head down as he cut into his steak, a bunch of red roses set beside his hand.

Those roses were supposed to be mine.

I pulled up my chat with Ervin from the night before.

"Tomorrow's your birthday. I booked the upscale restaurant."

"Does seven o'clock work?"

So it turned out the restaurant he mentioned was where he'd gone to do a tasting with Marilyn.

I took a screenshot and saved it to my folder.

"It's fine, Vera Whitfield. There's a trendy place. Come spend my birthday with me."

That restaurant was right across from the upscale one.

Vera noticed the place too, and her temper flared at once. "Where'd this cheating pair come from!"

I just quietly ordered.

Vera added from beside me, "Get a juice, don't you not like coffee? Oh, you have to order this sauted veggie dish, it's incredibly fresh, definitely your kind of thing."

I listened and forced out a small smile. "You remembered."

I'd only known Vera for the year since I moved to this city, and she understood me far better than Ervin did after three years together.

Every time I went to one of those get-togethers with his group of buddies, the whole table was a blaze of red spicy dishes.

Marilyn always ate with her mouth glistening with grease.

Ervin would laugh and say she had no manners, then dote on her and hand her a napkin.

Every time it left me uncomfortable, Marilyn would go and grin at me. "I've always been the wild type. Everyone says I'm too much of a guy."

"No wonder Dog Ervin likes you. Honestly, I envy that little bird appetite of yours."

The truth was I didn't have a bird appetite. I just had a bad stomach.

A whole table of spicy food and beer, and all I could do was look.

Before we ordered, I'd once tried asking for a steamed fish.

But the moment I opened my mouth, Marilyn cut me off with a laugh.

She had her arm slung around Ervin's shoulders, the two of them turned away from me, laughing about something.

And then I thought, never mind. Just leave it.

The phone screen already read ten past seven.

Ervin's message popped up. "Why aren't you here yet?"

"Did you ever once ask me for my address?"

He typed it, deleted it, typed it again.

"Something at work came up. I'm on my way to get you now."

I looked up at the upscale restaurant.

He was holding an umbrella, walking Marilyn to a cab.

The two of them had their heads bent, saying something I couldn't hear.

Then Marilyn's face suddenly pressed in close to his, like the two of them had kissed.

Vera was quick with her hands and snapped a photo.

Ervin stood frozen where he was for a long time.

"Is this about that post?"

"Marilyn insisted on coming along. I already talked her into leaving."

When I didn't answer, he sent another:

"I saved the cake for you, your favorite chocolate layer. It's all yours. I'm coming to get you, okay?"

But three minutes ago, Marilyn had already sent me a picture of herself taking a bite of that cake.

I hadn't waited for her message. I'd already deleted her.

And now Marilyn was sending me a friend request.

The message read: "Hey, sis~ so sorry! I really didn't know it was your birthday today~ That Dog Ervin says he'll make it up to you next time for sure! There's cake saved for you too, so don't be mad~"

I hit decline.

She sent another: "Come on, don't be like that. Ervin and I are honestly just like brother and sister! If you don't believe me, I'll keep my distance from him from now on, that's all~"

I declined again.

On the third request, the message had changed: "Anna, can't you take a joke?"

The mask had finally slipped.

Vera and I got in a cab.

Through the window, I watched Ervin standing in the curtain of rain.

I sent him everything: the screenshots of my chat with Marilyn, and the photo I'd just taken of the two of them.

"Stop bothering me."

I watched him stand there a long time, forgetting even to raise his umbrella.

Then a flood of messages came, explaining.

I couldn't see any of them.

Block, delete, done, all in one go.

Even his number, wiped clean.

Ervin looked around, searching, until he finally found his way, disheveled, to that trendy restaurant.

I turned my eyes away.

"Vee, you said before you wanted to start a business in the hidden realm?"

Vera's eyes lit up. "You've decided to come with me?"

I nodded and closed my eyes. "Book the flights. The sooner the better."

I'd been ready days ago.

My suitcase was already at the hotel.

The night the party game ended, I'd gone back alone to that empty room.

I'd gathered up every one of my personal things, cleared them all out.

Ervin probably never noticed any of it.

He came home late, and he was always with Marilyn.

Marilyn's friend request came through again.

"Ervin got in a car accident trying to find you! You're over there playing dead. How are you good enough for him?"

Vera saw it, and a nameless anger flared. "That Dog Ervin this, That Dog Ervin that."

She accepted the request and sent back a voice message.

"Good enough? You're the perfect match! A bitch and a dog, together forever!"

After that little tirade, she powered off the phone and stuffed it into my bag.

"Let's go, we've got a flight to catch."

I looked back once.

I'd come to this city for Ervin.

I would never come back again.