Better a Lone Sail Than a Harbor at the Old Shore

A month before the wedding, my girlfriend and my best friend picked out the groom's suit for me.

I looked at the suit and said nothing.

When you two sent me the pictures, this was the very first one I ruled out. I told you, I don't like white suits

Ned Pruitt, my best friend, was in the middle of trying the suit on. He cut me off, looking pained.

"Vivian, this is the one that looks best on a groom. It'll photograph incredibly. You really should learn to be open to new things."

Gabriella Henson was still circling him, hunting for angles, snapping shot after shot.

Only after she got a few she liked did she speak, slow and unbothered.

"Ned's build is close enough to yours, so you don't even have to go to the trouble of trying it on. You should count yourself lucky."

"Besides, with your taste, following your buddy is always the safe bet."

Before I could get a word in.

The two of them went right back to debating how to shoot the wedding day for the best photos.

If I didn't even get a say in my own groom's suit.

Then there was no real reason for me to be there on the wedding day either.

Neither of them noticed how low I'd sunk. They were absorbed in their photo plans.

"This angle, right here, this pose. Take a few more."

"When we post it to announce it, it's going to blow everyone away."

Ned directed excitedly, then leaned in close to Gabriella.

"Remember to shoot it wide."

The two of them were pressed close together, close enough that the staff from the wedding company sighed in admiration.

"Those two really love each other. He's handsome, she's beautiful. What a perfect match."

Ned heard that and shot me an awkward glance.

"You've got it wrong. I'm just the groom's friend."

The staffer apologized to me at once and even handed over a small gift to make up for it.

I couldn't blame them for the mistake.

Even standing off to the side, watching, I thought the two of them looked more like the couple.

The three of us had known each other since college.

I met Gabriella because Ned introduced us.

We fell in love because Ned played matchmaker, wrote the love letter, made the confession for me.

Even settling down in this city was because Ned said he didn't want to be apart from me.

So the three of us stayed glued together, inseparable, like conjoined twins.

But work kept me too busy. So busy that at some point, without my noticing, the two of them had shut me out.

"Vivian!"

Ned's voice broke into my thoughts.

"It's rare for a workaholic like you to have any free time. You're already here, so why don't you go ahead and try the suit on yourself?"

I looked at that suit, white from head to hem, and pressed my lips tight.

I didn't move.

They both knew perfectly well that when I was eight, my mother put on white and jumped to her death.

After that, I never touched the color again.

Before they chose the groom's suit, I told them over and over.

"I'm not asking for much. My only condition is that the groom's suit not be white."

Gabriella said she understood. Then she turned around and locked in the exact one Ned had picked.

Only because on him, it looked refined, dignified.

I tried, gently, to say I didn't want to wear it.

Ned was displeased on the spot.

"Vivian, I went through more than a hundred groom's suits and handpicked this one, and you're telling me you don't like it?"

Before I could answer, Gabriella's brow furrowed.

"Vivian Simmons, don't push it too far."

"These past few days, worried about eating into your work time, Ned's been up at dawn helping plan your wedding, picking the suit, so anxious you wouldn't like it that he compared them over and over."

"Even if you don't count the credit, at least give him credit for the effort. What right do you have to be picky?"

Her voice was thick with blame. Ned put in a word beside her.

"All right, don't talk to Vivian like that."

Gabriella had always had a temper, and once she started lecturing she couldn't stop.

But the moment Ned said one word, she'd shut right up.

He turned back to me.

"Vivian, this suit was bought three days ago. If you didn't like it, you should have said so sooner."

I gave a cold laugh. Bought three days ago, so why was I only hearing about it now?

No one had ever asked me what I thought.

Ned ruffled my hair, coaxing me the way you'd coax a child.

"So now."

"For my sake, after all the care I put into picking it, would you do me the favor and just try it on first?"

"If you really don't like it, we'll change the plan."

Gabriella's face was cold, her voice full of impatience.

"He's already gone above and beyond as a friend."

"If you're this hard to please, pick it yourself. Stop acting like some pampered prince everyone has to fuss over."

I lowered my head. I dug my nails into my palm until it ached.

All these years, it had always been like this.

At a tourist spot, I wouldn't drink the mango milk tea that gave me an allergic reaction.

But because Ned had lined up to buy it, my refusing it meant I was being difficult.

My stomach was weak. I couldn't eat spicy food.

Yet every time we ate out and ordered three bowls of noodles, all three came extra spicy.

I wouldn't eat mine, so I ordered another bowl.

And they said I threw good intentions back in their faces, that I had a temper, that I was impossible to please.

They only ever saw Ned's efforts and my fussiness.

Not one of them ever asked me.

Whether I wanted it at all.

Just like the groom's suit being forced on me now.

Everything I wanted to say, I had to swallow back down.

I gave a bitter smile. "Fine. I'll try it."

By the time I stepped out of the fitting room, no one was looking at me.

Gabriella was crouched beside Ned, gently handing him tissues to wipe his eyes.

She stayed down there next to him, cracking corny little jokes to cheer him up, until Ned finally burst out laughing.

Only then did Gabriella laugh too.

"Vivian's out."

Ned caught sight of me from the corner of his eye and got to his feet at once, looking over my new groom's suit with approval.

"See, I told you I had good taste. It really does fit him well."

Gabriella took one glance and frowned.

"It fits, sure, but it doesn't look as good on him as it does on Ned."

"So stop being so picky about it."

"If the groom's suit looks good, the problem is the person wearing it."

Ned's brow creased and he quickly cut Gabriella off.

"That's a little harsh. You'll hurt Vivian's feelings."

"Vivian, don't listen to her. This groom's suit really does suit you. As for the white"

"Don't worry about it. The wedding's only one day. Just tough it out for a bit."

I turned and looked Gabriella straight in the eyes.

"Tell me the truth."

"Do I really look good in this?"

Gabriella was still carefully folding Ned's clothes on the couch.

"You look good in anything."

That perfunctory.

Just because Ned had said one offhand thing, she took it to heart and acted on it right away.

But the wedding I looked forward to, the one that mattered to me, was nothing more than a game in her eyes, something to brush off.

Now the whole thing just felt pointless.

I didn't say anything. I went back into the fitting room, changed out of the groom's suit, and picked up my briefcase.

"Something came up at work. I'm heading out."

Gabriella just gave me a flat glance.

"What a workaholic."

"If Ned weren't helping you out, when would you ever find the time to plan a wedding?"

Gabriella grumbled, and Ned quickly smiled and smoothed it over.

"It's not like today's the first day Vivian's been this busy. He loves his job. Everybody knows he's a career-driven workaholic."

"Overtime on a normal day is fine. Just remember to show up on time the day of the wedding."

"Even if you don't come, it's not a big deal"

Gabriella's lips curved up.

The look she gave Ned was too complicated for me to read.

"Isn't he here for that?"

"Teasing me again!"

Ned laughed and gave Gabriella a light kick.

Gabriella got worked up too, lips curling as she went for Ned's ticklish spots.

I couldn't stand watching the two of them tumble into another round of it.

I turned and went outside to get a car.

The weather was scorching. Ten-odd minutes later, still no driver had accepted the ride.

Ned got a phone call and had to leave suddenly.

Gabriella grabbed the car keys without a second thought. "I'll drive you."

Ned shot an awkward glance at me, standing there in the doorway. "No need. You should drive Vivian first."

"It's fine, he's used to getting his own rides."

Gabriella walked off toward the parking lot without looking back.

She didn't care in the slightest why I'd been standing out here this long.

"Besides, his office isn't far from here. He can walk back in a few minutes."

Then she went ahead and opened the passenger door herself.

As Ned ducked in, she kept her palm over the top of the frame, careful he didn't bump his head.

That passenger side used to have the "husband's seat" label I'd stuck on it.

At some point it had been torn off.

Even the cushion I always used had long since been quietly tossed to the back seat.

Only in that moment did I see it clearly.

It wasn't just the groom's suit.

The passenger seat, it turned out, hadn't been mine for a long time either.

Ned waved to me through the window. "Vivian, we're taking off."

Gabriella hit the gas, leaving nothing behind but exhaust.

The messages on my phone buzzed twice more.

It was HR pushing for an answer.

"Mr. Simmons, have you decided? There's only one overseas assignment slot left"

I gave a self-mocking little laugh, then replied.

"I've decided."

"Sign me up. I accept the assignment."

It took me half an hour of waiting before I finally got a car.

Back at the office, my coworkers crowded around me, chattering.

"Vivian, don't you have a wedding next month?"

"I could've sworn I just saw your name on the overseas assignment list."

"What's going on? You'd give up the wedding, put yourself and your wife on opposite sides of the world?"

"Or is our resident workaholic ditching his wife for this posting?"

I smiled.

"There isn't going to be a wedding."

That only made them more curious, but seeing I'd already turned back to my work, they took the hint and didn't press.

After work, Gabriella texted me.

"Let's grab dinner together."

I was about to say I couldn't, that I'd made plans to get hot pot with some coworkers.

After all, with the posting next month, I'd have fewer and fewer chances to see them.

Then Gabriella added another line.

"Don't be difficult. Ned's coming too."

"If you want to check out on everything, fine, some other time. Not today."

"We're going over the details for the wedding day. You're the groom, so obviously you need to hear it."

Staring at those lines, more than once I nearly gave in to the urge to lay it all out.

To tell her I wasn't going through with the wedding.

But the words wouldn't come. If I came clean now, the trouble and hassle waiting for me would be so much worse.

Better to hold out till the very end.

The place they'd picked for dinner was a barbecue joint.

Gabriella and Ned moved through it like they knew it by heart, and the owner came over smiling to greet them. They'd clearly been here many times. Regulars.

When I walked in, the two of them were eating from the same ice cream.

Catching my eye, Ned quickly pushed the ice cream away. "Vivian, don't get the wrong idea."

"Gabriella said it was too cold and she couldn't finish it, so I just had a taste."

"I'm not getting the wrong idea."

I sat down, unruffled. "We've been friends since we were kids. Why would I read anything into something this small?"

I watched the shrimp Gabriella was peeling in her hands.

In my head I counted down. Three, two, one.

And sure enough, just as I'd guessed.

She peeled the shrimp and, out of habit, dropped it into Ned's bowl.

Seeing me sit there without a word, Ned realized something was off and elbowed her.

"What are you doing? Your boyfriend's right here. Shouldn't the peeled shrimp go in his bowl?"

So Gabriella's hand froze in midair, shrimp and all.

Then she made a little detour and set it in my bowl instead.

"Sorry, force of habit. You used to work late, so the two of us would come here to eat when we were starving."

"Ned can't be bothered to peel his own shrimp, so I just did it for him without thinking."

My grip tightened on the chopsticks, and something crawled under my skin like a thousand ants.

No wonder they were on such good terms with the owner.

While I was killing myself staying late at the office for our bright future, too busy to even eat dinner,

the two of them were coming here to eat together.

They always said I was swamped with work.

And so, little by little, it just became the default that they stopped inviting me to anything.

Trips that used to be the three of us slowly, without anyone saying it, turned into just the two of them.

"Our Vivian's a busy man, run off his feet all day. We'll show you the photos when we're back from our trip."

"Trip?"

I looked up, startled. "What trip?"

They said they'd even picked out where to go for the honeymoon after the wedding.

They just didn't know what the place was actually like, so it needed a look in person.

So the two of them had bought tickets. For two.

I looked at them. "So this time, I don't get to come again?"

The air went quiet for a few seconds.

Ned scratched his head and said with a laugh, "We just didn't want to interrupt your work, that's all."

"Gabriella said you've been going after some rare work slot lately, so you'd definitely be too tied up to get away."

I didn't do what I used to do, didn't swallow it and go along with him for the sake of keeping things pleasant.

"Actually, no. I'm not that busy."

"I put in for wedding leave, after all. The boss knows. I happen to be free these next few days."

"You've even locked in the venue for the honeymoon. So how is it that I, the groom, don't know a thing about it?"

They both froze, a flicker of surprise on their faces.

Maybe they hadn't expected me, who could never get away, to say something like this.

Seeing how awkward it had gotten, Ned quickly pulled out his phone.

"Vivian, if you're upset, we can go buy an extra ticket right now."

"Then the three of us can go together"

Gabriella was frowning too.

She watched Ned scroll for a long while, her expression getting worse and worse.

Finally she couldn't hold back.

"There are no tickets left, Vivian Simmons. Just don't tag along."

"Besides, we're only going to scout it out this time, it's not the honeymoon. Isn't it better to save the surprise for after the wedding?"

A rejection that plainhow could I not understand it?

I picked up the juice on the table and drank, keeping my tone light.

"Whatever you two decide is fine."

"You're the people I trust most. There's no way you'd plan it wrong."

They glanced at each other, and both seemed to let out a breath.

"Vivian, you're my best brother. Your wedding is the biggest day of your life. Say what you want, but I'm giving you the best of everything."

I looked at the sincerity all over Ned's face and gave a small smile. "Is that so."

If he knew it was the biggest day of my life,

then why was I shut out of everything?

But once a thing like that is said out loud, it stops being worth saying.

Partway through, Ned went off to the restroom.

Gabriella vanished right after him.

Something urgent had come up at work, and I wanted to tell them I was leaving first.

But at the restroom door, I heard Ned ask, his voice thick with tears.

"Are you really going to marry him?"

I stood behind the wall and watched Ned cry until his eyes were red and swollen.

"I don't mean anything by it. I watched the two of you together all these years, and I don't want to split you up."

"It's just, thinking about you getting married, I can't quite hold back how much it hurts"

Gabriella stayed silent a long time, and in the end she threw herself into his arms, her voice pressed down tight.

"Ned, I have to marry Vivian."

"I still love him. And besides, he's got a temper and he's hard to please, but he hasn't done anything wrong. I have no reason to call off the engagement."

Ned's eyes went redder. He tipped his head up to look at her. "And me?"

"Just now you gave the shrimp you peeled to Vivian. It really hurt."

"The thought of you being someone else's wife from now on, I"

Gabriella couldn't hold back anymore and pulled Ned hard against her.

"There, there."

"Even after I marry Vivian, I promise, things between us will stay just like before."

"But won't that be so hard on you"

Gabriella didn't say anything, but her eyes stayed fixed on his.

I watched all of it coldly, and suddenly I smiled.

You don't need to make it hard on yourselves.

I'll step aside for you.

They spent a week scouting the coast for the honeymoon.

Somewhere in the middle, Ned posted to his feed with me blocked from it. I only saw it through my burner account.

"This place is really as beautiful as a dream. How wonderful it would be to stay here forever and never go back."

The photo showed two backs turned toward the camera, out combing the tide flats.

He and Gabriella held hands, like a couple in love.

But the day they got back, he posted again.

"The dream's over. Time to return her to my brother."

I pretended I'd seen none of it, and I didn't chat with them again.

Neither of them noticed anything off. They assumed I was the same as always, a full-on workaholic.

Except, the day they came back, I happened to be walking out with my suitcase, and we passed each other at the airport.

"Off on another business trip?"

Running into me, there was no surprise on Gabriella's face.

"How many days this time?"

I didn't want to lie, and I was weighing how to answer.

Ned spoke up beside her, smiling. "It won't be long. With the wedding so close, when has Vivian ever taken a long trip, just to keep from being apart from you?"

That one line pulled me back.

It was true. All these years.

I believed distance made feelings go bad.

That even after a fight, you couldn't get to the other person in time to say something soothing, or give them a hug.

So my trips almost never ran past a week.

But this time, the assignment was for ten years.

"Relax. Your husband's a workaholic, but he'd never let it wreck the wedding."

Ned smoothing it over.

It kept Gabriella from pressing further, easy as anything.

She looked at me, gentle in a way she rarely was.

"Same as always. Once you get where you're going, send me a message and your location."

"Don't worry yourself over the wedding."

"When the day comes, just show up on time in your groom's suit."

With that, she handed her suitcase over to Ned, natural as breathing, turned, and walked off.

I watched the two of them go, matched so perfectly, and said it to myself,

but Gabriella, this time I won't be showing up.

I turned and, without looking back, gripped my boarding pass and walked through the gate.