I Won't Search for Love in My Memories

The one who turned out to be carrying Dominic Mason's child was the classmate who had bullied me.

I took a knife and went to find Seraphina Joyce.

A life for a life.

It was my mother who threw herself in front of Seraphina.

Her hand cracked across my face.

She's already destroyed your life once.

Are you going to let her destroy it again?

"A cheating scumbag and a worthless slut, that's all they are. Since when are they worth trading your life for?"

I never got my revenge.

And my husband never cut off contact with Seraphina.

The depression the bullying had once given me came back.

Every day, fresh cuts appeared on my wrist.

On the day Seraphina was due to give birth, the news that she and the baby had both died shook the whole city.

My mother was arrested on the spot.

When the reporters pressed her, she stared into the camera with red-rimmed eyes.

"Sweetheart, if this woman had to die before you could ever breathe again,

"then it still shouldn't be paid for with your life."

She smiled.

I cried.

After she was sentenced to death, I tried to throw myself off a building.

Dominic held me back, again and again.

"You jump, I jump.

"I caused all of this, Margie. If you have to hate someone, hate me. Don't punish yourself!"

Three years.

That was how long it took me to climb out from under the depression.

That day I went to the hospital for a follow-up.

And there was Dominic, at the checkup counter with an old woman and a small child.

My mother was holding a little boy who looked exactly like Dominic.

"This must be so hard on you, having to sneak around just to see your own child."

"Hard on me? What about you, Mama. You're a living, breathing person, and because of that lunatic you have to live like you don't even exist."

My mother smiled.

"If we didn't do it this way, sooner or later Margie would hurt Sera and the baby.

"She only trusts me. She won't stop until I'm dead."

Dominic's eyes went red. "Mama, thank you."

"Just be good to my goddaughter, that's all I ask."

The bag in my hand dropped to the floor.

The two of them turned.

Four pairs of eyes met.

...

"Margie?"

Dominic and my mother both froze.

That child, the one who looked so much like Dominic, was clutched tight against my mother's chest.

One look at the boy's eyes and brows.

And I knew.

This was Dominic and Seraphina's child.

And this child was being raised by my own mother.

My feet started moving before I could stop them.

"What are you doing!"

Dominic shoved my mother and the child behind him.

At almost the same instant, my mother turned her back and held the child tight.

The way they looked at me was all wariness and alarm.

Even my mother...

was guarding herself against me.

was standing on the side of the people who had hurt me.

"Mama, take Bobby and go first."

Dominic kept his eyes locked on me.

My mother gave me one glance.

Then, without hesitating, she hurried out the back door.

My hand froze in midair.

She wouldn't even give me the chance to say one word.

"Move!"

Dominic seized my wrist and pulled.

The whole way there, I was in a daze.

Was all of this just a dream?

Only when I was sitting on the couch at home,

tears wetting the back of my hand,

did I finally accept it.

All of it had really happened.

"It's exactly what you saw."

Dominic lit a cigarette.

He stood by the window, looking restless.

"I was afraid you'd never let it go. The news was fake. The arrest, the interview, I hired actors to put on that whole show for you."

He let out a sigh.

"For three years you never noticed a thing, so we let our guard down.

"You seeing us was an accident."

"After everything, all you have to say is that it was an accident?"

I lifted my head, eyes red.

"What is it you want me to say."

"Dominic!"

The tears spilled over.

"It's not like you don't know how Seraphina bullied me!"

The scars all up my arms.

My suicide attempts.

The years of not being able to sleep.

What all of it was for.

Dominic knew better than anyone.

"Why did you have to cheat on me with her?"

I looked at him through hot tears.

Dominic blew out a ring of smoke.

"Margie, that's all in the past now."

"What?"

I thought I'd misheard.

"It's over and done with."

"It is not over! My illness isn't cured! Who are you to say it's in the past! I won't accept it! On what grounds!"

"On the grounds that she can have children and you can't!"

I froze.

Dominic saw the shock on my face.

He let out a sigh.

He stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray.

"You know your own body better than anyone.

"I love you, Margie, but don't I get to leave something behind for myself?"

"But..."

"I know."

He cut me off.

"The fact that you can't have children, that came from what she did to you back then, the bullying.

"But she's already sorry for it."

A tear struck the floor.

"Dominic, even you're going to hurt me..."

The moment the words were out of my mouth,

I regretted them.

Even my own mother had helped them hurt me.

What right did I have to say that to Dominic.

But in the end, a flicker of guilt did cross his face.

"Margie, I..."

"Let's get divorced."

I said it.

His head came up, startled.

"What?"

I wiped the corner of my eye.

"A divorce. I'll walk away with nothing.

"The sooner the better."

"No."

Dominic frowned.

"Why not?"

I gave a bitter smile. "Don't tell me you're saying you still can't let this marriage go?"

"Our marriage is one part of it, yes."

He sighed.

"But there's something more important.

"Sera can't be branded a mistress.

"It's already hard enough on her, raising the child alone.

"If I divorce you now for her, and marry her, the neighbors will read all kinds of things into it."

I stared at him blankly.

"Dominic...

"You'd think this much of her."

He turned his face away.

Silence in place of an answer.

I smiled and held back the tears about to fall.

"It's fine if you don't agree. I'll find a lawyer, and we'll go through the courts."

"Margie..."

He reached for me.

I got to the bedroom door first.

It slammed shut with a bang.

Dominic stood outside the door for a few minutes.

Then came the sound of footsteps walking away.

I slid down the door, inch by inch, my back against it.

That night,

I had the nightmare again.

Seraphina Joyce and her pack of friends, faces twisted,

like demons.

Their laughter was shrill and high.

The louder I cried, the more piercing their laughter grew.

I started sobbing and crying out in bed again,

but no matter what, I couldn't open my eyes.

The doorknob seemed to twist hard, twice.

Then the door burst open.

A pair of arms wrapped tight around me.

At my ear was Dominic's voice, the way he'd soothed me through countless nightmares before.

"It's all right, it's over, it's all over.

"I'm here."

"Margie, it's all over.

"She knows she was wrong too."

My eyes snapped open.

The sheets were soaked with cold sweat.

The clock ticked on.

I turned my head.

The pillow beside me was empty.

The lock, too, was just as I'd left it when I shut the door.

No one had come.

My phone buzzed.

It was my therapist.

Margie, come in. Your last follow-up results are very off. Has something happened to you lately?

I washed up quickly.

I'd slept the whole night,

and my body was still worn out.

Walking down the hospital corridor,

a familiar cry made me stop dead.

"Margie!"

Seraphina was looking at me.

"It really is you!"

I watched, stunned, as she came running toward me.

Her skin was flawless.

Long straight black hair, a cream-colored knit sweater.

She didn't look like a woman in her mid-twenties.

If anything, she looked as young as she had in high school.

"Look... I came to find you because I want to apologize."

She gripped the strap of her Herms bag tightly.

"I heard about what happened yesterday.

"I'm so sorry! I was young back then, I didn't know any better."

I heard my own voice shaking.

"Is 'I didn't know any better' supposed to cover it?"

"Then... then what will it take for you to forgive me? Should I get down on my knees?"

And with that she really did drop, a heavy thud as her knees hit the floor.

People passing by kept turning to look.

"Margie, I really do know I was wrong!

"I've regretted it all these years too. All the time I've been with Dom, I've felt awful for you.

"It's been ten years now.

"Just let it go. Let's all live our lives properly, all right?"

Here it was again.

The ones who did the hurting always seemed to think.

That time dilutes the pain, right down to the point where one apology earns forgiveness.

"No."

My fist trembled faintly.

"Margie..."

Her eyes went red.

"Do you really have to keep dragging up the past?

"We've both started families. Dom and I even have a child. Do you really have to cling to all that old business and refuse to let it go, and make everyone miserable?"

"Seraphina Joyce."

I said through gritted teeth, "You'd better leave right now. Otherwise I don't know what I might do to you here."

Then I turned and walked fast toward the psychiatric department.

"Margery Swanson!"

Seraphina shouted.

The next second.

Someone yanked hard on my arm.

I stumbled two steps and barely caught my balance.

But Seraphina let out a sharp cry.

And fell hard to the floor.

"Sera!"

Dominic's voice rang out.

I saw him rush over and pull Seraphina tight into his arms.

Crack. A hand struck my face hard.

I turned my head.

Gloria stood there, out of breath.

Eyes red, pointing at me.

"How can you be this vicious! Sera's only just gotten pregnant, the pregnancy still isn't stable, and you couldn't even wait, chasing her into the hospital to kill both her and her unborn child!"

It hit me like lightning.

"She's pregnant?!"

"What are you pretending for?"

Dominic looked at me coldly.

"You came chasing her to the hospital because you found out, didn't you?"

I couldn't say a word.

Gloria gave a cold laugh.

"Well, look at that. I kept it hidden so tightly, terrified you'd go mad, and you still found out."

"You think I wouldn't have gone mad if you'd never told me!"

I finally couldn't take it anymore.

"Mom! I'm your daughter! Why does even you have to treat me like this!"

"Margie!"

Against all expectation.

It was Seraphina who rushed forward.

Blocking my mother.

"Margie, I'm the one who wronged you back then. If you have to hate someone, hate me.

"I've already taken Mama Simmons as my godmother. I can't stand by and watch you raise a hand against your mother."

"Godmother?"

My voice trembled.

Gloria looked at me coldly.

And had no intention of explaining.

"Mom, tell me exactly what... ah!"

I was shoved hard.

Dominic stood over me as I sat sprawled on the floor.

One hand shielding Seraphina.

The scene was too glaring to miss.

I heard the voices of the people around me.

"So that's Mr. Mason's crazy wife? How far gone does someone have to be to make a scene right in the hospital lobby."

"Hair all over the place. She really doesn't give off the same feeling as Miss Joyce."

"No wonder Mr. Mason doesn't want her anymore. I couldn't stand a madwoman tormenting herself day after day either."

"Poor Mr. Mason. He doesn't even love her anymore, but he keeps the marriage going so he won't set her off, so she won't lose her mind."

"When you put it that way, the mother's pitiful too. A daughter this out of line."

"..."

"No... stop, don't say any more..."

I backed away, shaking.

Those words seemed to take on physical form.

Stabbing into me until my whole body ached, breath by breath.

I'd relapsed again.

"No... don't..."

I clutched my head.

A hand closed around my wrist.

I heard the voice of my therapist, Brent Finch.

"Deep breaths. Come with me."