One Step From Happiness, We Let Go of Each Other's Hands

After our thirty-seventh cold war, Paddy Henson went out to buy me a gift, the way he always did to smooth things over.

I was scrolling through short videos out of boredom when, set to the soundtrack of One Step Short of Happily Ever After, a face I knew far too well came up on my screen.

It was Paddy's first love, Noreen Winfield.

In the video, an eighteen-year-old Noreen was riding on Paddy's back, throwing up a peace sign at the camera.

Paddy had his head turned toward her, so much tenderness in his eyes it nearly spilled off the screen.

The caption read: If I hadn't gone abroad back then, we'd surely be together now.

My finger paused. I opened the comments.

The top comment had Paddy's avatar. His reply said:

It's not too late now. This time I won't let go.

That night I didn't get his apology gift, and I didn't get him coming home either.

The next morning, Paddy handed me a set of divorce papers.

"Noreen was in a car accident. Her memory's regressed to when she was eighteen."

"Right now she only remembers me. Before she recovers, I want to be there to make up for what she missed."

...

I met his serious gaze and dug my nails into my palm to keep my voice from shaking.

"When we got married, you swore you'd never let me suffer a single day."

"And now you want to use my marriage to make it up to Noreen?"

His tone was still the gentle one I knew, but the words turned me cold all the way through.

"Naomi Cooley, calm down. The doctor says Noreen needs me there to get her memory back."

"Once she's better, I'll come back and go on being your Paddy, yours alone."

Something inside my chest was carved out whole, leaving a hollow with the wind whistling through.

I lowered my head and touched my faintly rounded belly. Paddy still didn't know I was pregnant.

Last week he'd pressed his face to my stomach and said, "It'd be so nice if there were a baby in here."

I'd been laughing to myself, planning to surprise him.

But what came first was a sheet of divorce papers.

"I won't sign. Marriage isn't a game."

Paddy sighed, like he was dealing with a child who didn't understand.

"You know I have connections in the medical field. You're up for attending physician this year, aren't you?"

"Naomi, don't make this hard for me."

I could barely stay on my feet, staring in disbelief at the man I loved.

The day before, I'd still been curled up against him, cheek to cheek, sulking because he'd forgotten to buy me a cake.

Today he was trading the career I treasured most for a sheet of divorce papers.

Ten years ago, the day Noreen left for abroad, he'd drunk himself into a heap at the foot of the dorm building, crying that "the whole world doesn't want me anymore."

I was the one who stayed up all night with him, soothing him.

After that I helped him get into a top school, helped him build his company.

When Paddy proposed, he went down on one knee and swore through tears,

"Naomi, you're the one who won't leave me."

"As long as you don't let go, I'll always be here."

The vow still stood, but his heart had turned away.

Paddy rubbed the space between his brows. "Don't be so difficult about it, like I've wronged you or something."

"It's only a temporary separation. We'll remarry later."

So in his mind, my life had a pause button he could press.

And my waiting was simply to be expected.

He wanted to give his first love a perfect ending, and he wanted me to be his warm way back.

Maybe from the very beginning, all he loved was the stability I could give him.

I made up my mind, picked up the pen, and signed the divorce papers.

The motion was so smooth it left Paddy stunned, as if he hadn't expected me to give in so fast.

"You're not going to take it out on Noreen, are you? She's fragile. She can't handle any kind of shock."

I capped the pen and pushed the papers back to him. "Relax. I have no interest at all in you or her."

"If I stayed in this marriage with you, my life would just be a silent collapse."

Paddy realized I was mocking him and was about to say something.

Then his phone rang, and Noreen's delicate voice came through.

"Paddy, I woke up and you weren't beside me. I was so scared..."

He took the papers and hurried off, tossing a line at me on his way out,

"We're getting the divorce finalized tomorrow. Don't even think about running from it."

I sat alone in the empty living room and dialed the hospital's OB-GYN department.

"Hello, I'd like to schedule an abortion."

The next day, Paddy showed up half an hour late.

But what I noticed was the faint mark on his collarbone.

"Noreen insisted on going back to see our old high school this morning. It held me up."

I nodded lightly and walked into the county clerk's office with him.

When we came out, he loosened his grip on the divorce certificate with something like relief and pulled open the passenger door.

"I'll drive you home."

I suddenly remembered the day he first got this car, how he'd driven me out to the city outskirts to watch the sunset, thrilled about it.

Back then there was a jasmine diffuser in the passenger seat, the one I loved, and even on turns he'd reach out to shield me without thinking.

Now the whole car smelled of some sweet, cloying perfume I didn't recognize.

"I want to leave the apartment for Noreen. It's close to the hospital, so it's easier for her checkups."

"I'll take you back to pack your things. I've booked you a hotel nearby. I know it's an imposition, but stay there for a while."

A wave of blood-warm sweetness surged up my throat.

I was the one who'd overseen every part of that home. The clock in the entryway I'd found after combing through seven antique shops.

The velvet sofa in the living room I'd designed and had custom-made.

We used to drink red wine on the balcony and watch the moon, and curl up together in the media room to watch horror films.

Only days ago he'd been pulling me around, buzzing with excitement, redoing the nursery.

Yet today Paddy was telling me that my home no longer belonged to me.

When the car stopped downstairs, I fled up to the apartment like something was chasing me.

My things had been tossed into a corner, like trash waiting to be hauled off.

And on the wall right above the sofa, where our marriage certificate used to hang.

Now there was a brand-new frame, a photo of Noreen and Paddy at the beach from years ago, his head bowed to kiss the top of her hair.

"You're back!"

Noreen came out of the bedroom, wearing my house slippers.

She trotted over and threw herself into Paddy's arms, tilting her face up, all sweetness.

"Paddy, that diffuser in your room was so harsh. I switched it to my favorite rose scent."

Paddy wrapped an arm around her shoulders, his touch gentle.

"If you're not feeling well, don't stand around. Go lie down. I'll make you some gourmet bone broth to build your strength back up."

Noreen laughed and tugged at his cuff. "Your cooking is awful. Just get a housekeeper."

She turned to look at me, a taunt rising in her eyes.

"Naomi, thank you for giving Paddy back to me."

"If I get better, I'll definitely have you over for the wedding toast."

I forced my anger down, but Paddy pulled me aside and lowered his voice.

"Noreen only has her memories from age eighteen right now. Don't hold it against her."

"She's a patient, and you're a doctor. You should have some basic empathy."

I shook off his hand, my eyes going past his shoulder.

The bedroom door stood half open. My skincare was gone from the vanity, replaced by Noreen's jars and bottles.

The Polaroid on the nightstand, the one where we were both grinning like idiots, had been torn to pieces.

So being replaced was really that easy.

I'd just been an ordinary day away from sulking and playing coy with my own husband, waiting for him to come coax me around.

But when I opened my eyes again, even my home no longer belonged to me.

I held back the tears and clumsily gathered my things into a suitcase.

As I was leaving, Paddy came after me.

"Once I've seen Noreen through this, we can remarry whenever you want. You can hit me, scream at me, whatever you need."

Noreen coughed twice, right on cue, and his feet stopped where they were.

I walked into the elevator without looking back. "No need. Your promises never keep very long."

As the elevator went down, I opened the Doctors Without Borders website.

On the application page, I filled in my name.

That night, the reply from Doctors Without Borders landed in my inbox:

Congratulations, your application has been approved. The next departure for the Africa posting is one week from now. Please confirm whether you accept the assignment.

The next day I went to the hospital as usual, planning to hand in my resignation and start the handover.

Instead, the nurses' station passed me an add-on slip. Noreen Winfield's name was printed in the patient column.

She walked into my office, her face pale.

Paddy wasn't with her, so she let her old high-school arrogance show through.

"Naomi Cooley, this office reeks of disinfectant. Just as awful as you smell."

I opened the chart. My pen paused a beat. "What's bothering you?"

She tilted her head at me, malice plain in her eyes.

"Dr. Cooley, my head hurts."

"Remember what I was best at? Faking sick. Every time we had a test in high school, I'd tell Paddy my head hurt, and he'd skip class to take me to the nurse's office for ice cream."

Of course I remembered.

All three years of high school, I sat next to Noreen. I was also her lackey.

My family had no money, but I had the pride you carry at that age, and I didn't want Paddy, the boy I had a crush on, to know how I lived.

So Noreen used that against me, making me sign her name to every love letter I wrote for Paddy.

I watched her win his favor with those letters, watched the two of them end up together, and I swallowed the slaps and the abuse she gave me behind everyone's back.

Paddy would fetch Noreen hot water, copy notes for her, crouch down to tie the shoelace that had come loose.

The day Noreen left the country, she said it lightly:

"Paddy's a toy I'm bored with. Nothing much left. You can keep treating him like he's precious."

All these years later, she was still the venomous beauty I remembered.

She leaned in close, mocking:

"You really think Paddy loves you? Get it straight. These ten years, you stole them."

"If I hadn't left, do you think he'd ever have looked at you? Your dad's a mechanic, your mom sells pickled vegetables at the market, you worked your way through college for your own tuition."

"So what if you got into a good school with him, built a company with him? It's still just the life I picked over and left behind."

I cut off her walk down memory lane and took the pack of needles from the sterilizer.

"Acupuncture will ease your headache. Lie down on the treatment bed."

She lay down, pinched my hand, and sneered, "Go easy. I'm scared of pain."

The moment the needle went into the crown point, she screamed.

"It hurts! You're doing this on purpose, getting back at me!"

The door swung open. Paddy rushed in and pulled her into his arms. "What happened?"

Noreen buried her face against his chest, shoulders shaking. "Paddy, she jabbed me so hard."

"I know Naomi's angry with me, but she shouldn't use a treatment to take it out on someone."

Paddy glared at me, his eyes cold. "Naomi Cooley, you don't deserve to be a doctor!"

He pulled out his phone and dialed.

"Director Lambert, this is Paddy. My partner just had a medical incident during treatment with Deputy Head Fox."

"I suspect deliberate harm. I want the hospital to open an investigation and suspend her."

Noreen lifted her head from his chest and winked at me, full of smug satisfaction.

But her voice came out soft and small. "Paddy, I feel so dizzy. Can we go home?"

Paddy lifted her up and carried her toward the door. As he passed me, he stopped for a moment.

"Naomi Cooley, you've disappointed me deeply."

The door closed. My fingertips still carried the bloody marks Noreen's nails had left.

I pulled open the drawer to find a bandage, and saw the photo on my desk.

Paddy had taken it last year, when the hospital honored me as an outstanding employee.

He'd stood outside the crowd, holding up his phone, making a heart at me. In the picture, the tips of my ears had gone red.

There was a line he'd written on it then: My Dr. Cooley, never be afraid. I'm here.

I tossed the photo into the trash and got up and went to the director's office.

"Director, there's no need to suspend me and investigate. I quit."

Director Lambert looked helpless. "Naomi, I know Paddy's complaint upset you, but everyone's seen what you can do. The suspension is just procedure."

I pushed the resignation letter back across the desk.

"I've submitted my application for the Africa posting. There's nothing here worth staying for."

On the way back to the hotel, I passed the bakery beside the hospital. My favorite tiramisu was still sitting in the window.

Paddy used to buy a slice every time he came to pick me up. "My Dr. Cooley wears her brain out in surgery. She needs something sweet, so her life stays sweet."

I pushed the door open. The clerk recognized me and smiled. "Mr. Henson isn't with you today?"

I smiled back. "He won't be coming anymore."

Over the next few days, Paddy and I both left each other alone, as if by agreement.

A few days before I left, I went home to get the visa and passport I'd left in the safe.

The fingerprint lock hadn't been changed. I pushed the door open.

Noreen was curled up on the couch playing a game. Paddy sat on the rug, peeling an apple for her.

He'd cut the pieces into the shape of little rabbits and was feeding them to her mouth.

When I walked straight toward the study, Noreen said sweetly, "Paddy, is your ex-wife here to pick up her things?"

Paddy moved to stop me. "Naomi, what do you need? I'll help you find it."

"Noreen's been in a bad mood these past few days. She doesn't like strangers in the house."

I had already made up my mind to leave, and still my heart clenched, out of my control.

I didn't turn around. I opened the safe with the ease of habit. "Don't trouble yourself. I'll take my things and go."

I clutched the document envelope and straightened up. Somehow Noreen had followed me over without my noticing.

She let out a cry and threw herself to the floor, pretending I'd knocked her down.

"Paddy, she pushed me..."

Before I could expose her clumsy act, Paddy shoved me hard.

My belly slammed into the corner of the desk, and a sharp, wrenching pain tore through my abdomen.

I curled up on the floor. Something warm and sticky seeped out below, soaking through my jeans.

Paddy crouched down, panicked, his eyes full of fear. "Naomi, are you okay..."

Then he finally noticed the curve of my swollen belly. His pupils shrank.

"You're pregnant! Why didn't you tell me..."

I opened my mouth, then said through my teeth, "What good would telling you have done? Would you have given her up for this baby?"

Paddy went white and reached out to hold me.

But I pushed myself up off the floor and rose, through the pain.

The blood on my jeans ran all the way down to my calf.

Paddy came after me and grabbed my wrist. "Naomi, let me take you to the hospital. This is our baby!"

Then Noreen suddenly clutched her chest and crumpled, her face going gray, her breathing fast.

"Paddy, I can't breathe..."

Paddy let go of my wrist and turned, throwing himself toward her. "Don't be scared. I'll take you to the hospital."

The door closed behind them, and I was left standing alone in the blood.

A moment ago, when the hesitation had surfaced in his eyes, I'd actually let myself imagine he might choose me.

I dragged the back of my hand hard across my eyes. They were red and swollen and aching.

I was still stupidly hoping the scales would tip toward me.

I took a cab to the hospital and had the D&C.

I recovered for two days. Paddy didn't make a single call, didn't send one text.

Noreen, on the other hand, kept updating her feed.

They went out to a cabin in the woods, and Paddy caught fireflies for her.

There was Noreen's hand resting in Paddy's palm, the huge diamond ring on her finger glaring at me.

She even sent me a message to taunt me.

In the photo Paddy lay facedown on a hotel bed with his eyes closed, "Property of Noreen" written across his back in red lipstick.

[Paddy says you deserved the miscarriage. The kid would've ended up in a single-parent home anyway. Better for everyone that you leave sooner.]

I replied with no expression on my face.

[Want to guess whether Paddy would still love you if he knew you faked being sick to trick him?]

She didn't dare reply after that.

On the day I left, Paddy did something rare and sent me a message.

[Naomi, I know you're hurting. Once Noreen's better, I swear I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.]

But I wasn't as heartbroken as I'd imagined. I tapped block instead.

When the baby slipped out of my body, ten years of obsession drained away with it.

I dragged my suitcase through the boarding gate.

The joys and the betrayals of these ten years, I left all of it behind.