The Heart You Deliberately Hid, I Won't Look for It Anymore

The night before our engagement party, my boyfriend Ivor Dickerson and my best friend Kate Fox disappeared at the same time again.

It was their favorite game.

Every time the three of us went out, they'd suddenly switch off their phones and hide, just to see whose name I'd call first.

If I found Ivor first, Kate would cry that I cared more about a man than my friends.

If I found Kate first, Ivor's face would go cold and he'd ask me.

"So who's actually your boyfriend?"

I was about to head out to look for them when the tablet Ivor had left on the couch lit up.

A message from Kate.

"She's called me eight times already."

Ivor answered her.

"Twelve on my end."

Kate asked.

"Want to bet on who she goes to first?"

Ivor said.

"Of course."

"If I win, you become my mistress."

My fingers froze. I kept scrolling up.

Only then did I realize they'd been running bets like this for three years.

Betting on how long before I panicked, how long before I cried.

Betting on whether I'd go out in the middle of the night to find them even while burning up with a fever.

A moment later, Ivor sent me a location pin.

"Find me, and next week's engagement party goes ahead as planned."

I looked down and pressed the phone dark.

Every time before this, I'd been terrified of losing them.

But this time.

I didn't want them anymore.

...

I didn't go looking for them again. I just sat on the couch and watched the clock on the wall crawl toward dawn.

At seven thirty in the morning, the keypad lock beeped.

The door opened.

Kate saw me sitting rigid on the couch and rushed over, grabbing my hands.

"Why didn't you contact us? I thought something had happened to you!"

Ivor came over too, his brows knotted tight.

"You just stayed home all night? You didn't even go out to look?"

"I sent you a location pin and you were too lazy to move?"

At the mention of the pin, Kate turned slightly to the side.

She reached out, pinched Ivor's waist with her fingertips, and mouthed two words.

"You cheated."

I lifted my head and looked at them, and suddenly it all seemed absurd.

"I just didn't want to."

"I didn't go looking for you. So what?"

Ivor blinked, as if it had never occurred to him I'd talk to him like this.

"Fine. So you won't come find me?"

"Since you don't even care whether we live or die anymore, then you don't need to show up for today's wedding photo shoot either."

"To punish you for being so cold, I'm taking Kate to shoot them today."

Kate tugged at the hem of Ivor's shirt.

"Ivor, what are you talking about?"

"Those are your wedding photos. How does it make any sense for me to shoot them?"

Ivor closed his hand over Kate's.

"What's wrong with it? She doesn't care anyway."

The wedding photos I'd waited five years for, longed for through countless days and nights.

I thought I'd be devastated, that I'd throw myself at him and demand answers.

But nothing came.

Nothing hurts more than a dead heart. It turns out that when the pain reaches its worst, the tears won't come.

I only felt tired, a weariness that went all the way to the bone.

I nodded.

"Fine. The two of you go shoot them."

Ivor froze again, staring at me with suspicion.

He'd come armed with a whole speech to handle my hysterics, and that light little "fine" from me caught in his throat. "What kind of playing-hard-to-get trick is this now?"

Kate leaned in and took my hand.

"Are you only saying this because you're angry?"

"Ivor's just stubborn, he's trying to provoke you on purpose. Don't take it seriously."

I shook Kate's hand off and said, plainly.

"I'm not angry."

Ivor's face darkened completely, as if my indifference had truly enraged him.

He grabbed Kate's wrist and turned to leave.

"Since she's so generous about it, then let's go. We'll go shoot them!"

"Ignore her. Let's see how long she can keep up the tough act!"

The door slammed shut with a bang.

The jolt knocked down the big red double-happiness sign hanging in the entryway.

I took out my phone and dialed the wedding planning company.

"Hello, this is Ivor's fiance."

"The engagement party a week from now. Please cancel it for me."

After I hung up, a reminder popped onto my phone.

10:00 a.m., Vogue Bridal Photography Studio

I looked at the words blinking on the screen, and my eyes stung before I could stop them.

I'd booked this studio more than half a year ago.

Back when I'd pulled Ivor in, full of excitement, to talk over what style we wanted, he always frowned and pulled away.

He said he'd never liked having his picture taken, that a camera made his whole body go stiff, and told me to stop dragging him into it.

In five years together, I didn't have a single decent photo of the two of us on my phone.

I'd always thought he truly couldn't stand the camera.

So it turned out it wasn't the camera he didn't like. It was that in his future, there had never been a place set aside for me in a wedding dress.

I drew in a breath and dialed the studio.

Half an hour later, the phone I'd tossed onto the coffee table lit up.

It was Ivor.

The second I answered, his voice came at me, sharp with accusation, and under it I could hear Kate sniffling in that small, wronged way of hers.

What are you throwing a tantrum about today? Why is the studio saying our shoot package has been frozen?

Now they want another eighty thousand paid in full before they'll go on. Kate's already got half her makeup done. Do you have to embarrass me at exactly this moment?

Just transfer the money over, now!

I closed my eyes for a moment and said, calmly,

Because that package was one I booked for myself.

I'm not doing the shoot anymore, so of course I want the money back.

The line went silent.

Ivor seemed to move somewhere no one else was, and his tone eased a little.

All right, that's enough. So I didn't pick up those few calls of yours last night, big deal.

I even sent you my location. You're the one who didn't come find me.

Fine, I admit I worried you last night, okay?

Be good, just pay the money first. A shoot is exhausting anyway. We'll just photoshop your face on later, won't that do?

Photoshop my face onto Kate's body.

No effort needed, and I'd get the finished photos handed to me.

He said it so grandly, so matter-of-factly, as if it were some great favor he was doing me.

I looked at the red paper that had fallen by the entryway, and it suddenly felt like even wasting one more breath to call him out would be wasting my time.

You can't wake someone who's only pretending to sleep, so let him keep on acting.

No need.

I hope the two of you have a lovely shoot today.

Before he could say anything more, I pressed the button and hung up.

It was already evening by the time Ivor and Kate came back.

Ivor walked straight over and slammed the car keys down on the coffee table.

Are you done with your little scene today?

Making the studio stop the shoot in front of everyone. How does that make me look?

In the end I still had to pull out my own card and cover that whole eighty thousand. We're getting married. What difference does it make whose money we spend?

Willow, how did I never notice you'd gotten so petty? You can't even handle something this small?

Before I could say anything, Kate quickly tugged at his sleeve and pushed a velvet box across to me.

Willow, don't fight, you two.

Look, before we went to shoot, Ivor even made a point of buying you a bracelet.

The box lay wide open, a crudely made alloy bracelet resting quietly inside.

Five years together, and Ivor knew perfectly well I had a bad metal allergy, that I only ever wore pure silver.

I didn't argue that it would give me a reaction, the way I used to.

I just stood up and turned back toward the bedroom.

I shut the door, took out my phone, and opened the profile buried deep in my chat list, the one I hadn't messaged in a long time.

Hey, is the Edinburgh studio still looking for a partner?

A minute later, she replied.

We are. But aren't you throwing an engagement party?

You gave up such a great offer from the art academy back then, all for Ivor. So you two broke up?

Back then, over one line from Ivor, I need you, I'd burned five years here with him.

And what it got me was betrayal.

I sniffed and wrote back.

I've made up my mind. I'm coming.

I'll report in next Friday. I'm not coming back after that.

The "typing" flickered on the screen a few times, then she sent back a single word.

Okay.

Once I'd settled myself, I pushed the door open and went back out to the living room.

Ivor was sitting on the couch, patting the spot beside him.

Come here. Look at you. Why's your temper been so bad lately?

I've got a real surprise for you. You'll love it.

My steps slowed for a second.

He fished two tickets out of his pocket.

The Maksim farewell tour. VIP floor section.

I froze where I stood, and my dead heart betrayed me with a single skip.

I'd wanted to go to that concert for half a year, but back then Ivor had only said, cold-faced,

Thousands of dollars to hear someone bang on wood for a few hours. Waste of money. Not going.

So he'd remembered?

My eyes went warm, and I reached out for them without thinking.

But before my fingertips could touch the stubs,

Ivor jerked his hand back and pressed the tickets into Kate's arms.

Katie, hold on to these. It's next Saturday night. Don't get the time wrong.

My hand, still out in the air, went stiff.

Ivor looked at me, his tone matter-of-fact.

These two tickets were meant as a reward for you, since you've been so good lately.

But today you embarrassed both of us and ruined everyone's mood.

So I've decided. I'm taking Katie next Saturday.

The engagement party's in the daytime next Saturday anyway. You'll be tired by night. You can just rest at the hotel.

Kate clutched the tickets and looked at me.

Willow, I'm taking your spot. You won't be mad, will you?

A sharp, dull ache spread through my chest.

I drew my hand back slowly and tugged the corner of my mouth into a smile.

Why would I be mad?

Those tickets are hard to get. You two next Saturday nightyou really have to go.

Go and listen.

Because next Saturday's engagement party no longer had a leading lady.

Outside the door, Ivor and Kate were laughing about what to wear to the concert.

I leaned back against the door and slid slowly down to the floor, staring at the scars on my hands.

The truth was, I used to take great care of my hands.

But three years ago, Ivor and Kate got it into their heads to go camping in the mountains, got caught in a downpour, and lost all contact.

I drove into the mountains through the night, risking mudslides, and clawed apart the rockslide blocking the road with my bare hands, ten fingers dripping blood, until I finally found the two of them safe and sound inside their tent.

Back then, Ivor looked at my hands, filthy with mud, trembling and bleeding, and his first reaction wasn't concern.

He turned to Kate, raised an eyebrow, and smiled.

"See? I told you she'd come find us no matter what. You lose."

Now, looking at scar after scar on my hands, I suddenly saw how pitifully stupid the old Willow had been, throwing her life away for love.

The next few days, the apartment settled into an eerie calm.

Ivor was sure I was just throwing a tantrum, and to force me to cave first, he dropped the pretense entirely.

He came and went openly with Kate, and even set Kate's toiletries right next to mine.

He assumed I'd do what I'd always done: cry, throw her things out, and beg him to change his mind.

But I didn't.

I simply stepped calmly over the things they'd left strewn across the living room, and packed away what was mine, piece by piece, and shipped it out.

Friday morning, Ivor was still fast asleep in the bedroom.

I put on a comfortable pair of sneakers and set the diamond ring, the one I was supposed to wear at the engagement party, gently on the shoe cabinet by the entryway.

No argument, no tears, no goodbye.

I pushed open the door and stepped out into the morning breeze.

Saturday morning, I was sitting in the airport lounge, reading over the studio materials my senior classmate had sent me, when my phone was suddenly overrun with calls from Ivor.

The second it connected, his voice came through, barely holding back his fury.

"Willow, what the hell are you playing at? It's the engagement party today. Where are you?!"

"Do you know the relatives and friends are almost all here? Even if you want to fight with me, you have to know your limits!"

I looked out the window at the view, my tone lighter than it had ever been.

"Ivor, isn't disappearing your favorite game? Betting on how long it'll take me to come find you?"

His breath caught, as if he hadn't expected me to bring that up.

"What's that supposed to mean? Do you not understand what day it is, how important today is?"

"Nothing. It doesn't mean anything."

"I just think that game got too boring. I don't want to play with the two of you anymore."

"From now on, you can take all the time you want."

With that, I hung up, and dragged his number and his messenger account, along with these five years of my youth, straight into the blocked list.

...

On the other side, in front of the downtown banquet hall.

Ivor gripped the phone she'd hung up on, his face black with rage.

Kate tugged at his sleeve. "Is Willow still upset? Why don't I call and apologize for you?"

"Apologize for what? She's doing this on purpose, to leave me standing here with egg on my face!"

Ivor gritted his teeth and let out a cold laugh. "Don't bother with her. If she doesn't show today, then she can beg me later, and I still won't marry her!"

He straightened his suit, took Kate's arm, and, under the puzzled eyes of the gathered relatives, pushed open the doors of the banquet hall.

But the instant the doors swung wide, the cold smile froze on Ivor's face.

The huge banquet hall was covered wall to wall in balloons of every color, and on the big screen up front, giant letters scrolled past.

Happy 10th Birthday, Little Aiden Reyes!

A crowd of kids in little red party hats was chattering and racing around the stage.

Ivor's mind went off like a bomb. He grabbed the hotel lobby manager passing by. "What is wrong with you people?! This hall is booked for my engagement today!"

The manager took a good look at his face, then politely pulled his hand free. "Mr. Dickerson, Ms. Simmons came in five days ago and canceled the booking herself."

"She settled and collected the entire deposit and balance, so naturally the venue was rented out to someone else."