I Won't Stay Trapped Waiting in Love

When I found out that the man who'd gotten Greta Sullivan pregnant was the same classmate who'd bullied me in school, I picked up a knife and went to find Colin Fox.

A life for a life.

It was my father who threw himself in front of Colin.

His fist landed on my face.

He's already destroyed your life once.

Are you going to let him destroy it a second time?

"They're nothing but a piece-of-garbage man and a cheap woman. Are they worth throwing your own life away?"

I never got my revenge.

Greta never cut ties with Colin either.

The depression I'd developed from the bullying came back.

Every day there were fresh cuts on my wrist.

Until the news that Colin Fox had been stabbed eighteen times shook the whole city.

My father was arrested on the spot.

When the reporters asked him about it,

he looked into the camera, eyes red.

"Son, if this man had to die before you could put it to rest,

"then it still shouldn't have been your life that paid for it."

He smiled.

I fell apart.

After he was sentenced to death, I tried to jump off a building.

Greta stopped me, again and again.

"You jump, I jump.

"I caused all of this. Ash, if you want to hate someone, hate me. Don't punish yourself!"

Three years.

That's how long it took me to climb out from under the depression.

That day I went to the hospital for a follow-up.

And found Greta there too, at a checkup with an old man and a child.

My father was holding a little boy who looked exactly like Greta.

"I've put you through so much. Having to sneak around just to see your own child."

"How have you put me through anything, Dad. There's nothing wrong with me, and yet because of that lunatic, I have to live in the shadows."

My father smiled.

"If we didn't, sooner or later Ash would hurt Colin and the child.

"He only trusts me. Nothing would make him stop until I was dead."

Greta's eyes reddened. "Dad, thank you."

"Just be good to my godson."

The follow-up slip fell out of my hand and hit the floor.

They both turned.

Our eyes met.

...

"Ash?"

Greta and my father froze at the same time.

The child who looked so much like Greta was clutched tight in my father's arms.

Looking at the boy's face,

I understood.

This was Greta and Colin Fox's child.

But hadn't Greta told me she was sorry?

Hadn't she gotten rid of the child on her own?

Without meaning to, I started walking toward them.

"What do you think you're doing!"

Greta threw herself in front of my father and the child, shielding them behind her.

Almost at the same instant, my father clutched the boy and turned his body away.

The look in both their eyes was wary, tense.

Even my father...

was on guard against me.

was standing with the people who'd tormented me.

"Dad, take Toby and go first."

Greta kept her eyes locked on me.

My father glanced at me once.

Then, without hesitating, he hurried out the back door.

My hand froze in midair.

He wouldn't even give me a chance to speak.

"Move!"

Greta grabbed my wrist.

The whole way,

I was in a daze.

Was all of this a dream?

It wasn't until I was sitting on the couch at home

that I finally accepted it.

All of it had really happened.

"It's exactly what you saw."

Greta stood by the window.

She looked a little agitated. "I was afraid you'd never let it go, so the news was fake. The arrest, the interview, I hired actors to put on a show for you."

She sighed.

"For three years you never noticed a thing, so we let our guard down.

"We just weren't careful, and you saw."

"After everything, all you have to say is that you weren't careful?"

I looked up, eyes red.

"What do you want me to say."

"Greta!"

My fist was shaking.

"You know exactly how Colin Fox hurt me!"

The scars all up my arms.

My suicidal urges.

The years of not being able to sleep.

The reason behind all of it.

Greta knew better than anyone.

"Why did you cheat on me with him?"

I looked at her, tears in my eyes.

Greta blew out a ring of smoke.

"Ash, that's all in the past."

"What?"

I thought I'd misheard.

"It's over now."

"It isn't over! My illness never healed! What gives you the right to call it past! What gives you the right!"

"Because he could get me pregnant, and you couldn't!"

I went rigid.

Greta caught the shock on my face.

She let out a sigh.

She crushed her cigarette out in the ashtray.

"You know exactly what your mind is like."

"Anything close to that old business, and the depression comes right back."

"I love you, Ash. But I'm allowed to have a child of my own, aren't I?"

"But"

"I know."

Greta cut me off.

"This is because of what he did to you back then. The bullying."

"But he already regrets it."

I laughed bitterly.

"Greta, even you're bullying me now"

The moment I said it,

I regretted it.

Even my own father had helped them bully me.

What right did I have to say that to Greta?

But in the end, a trace of guilt showed on her face.

"Ash, I"

"Let's get divorced."

I said it.

Her head came up, startled.

"What?"

I drew in a deep breath.

"A divorce. I'll walk away with nothing."

"The sooner the better."

"No."

Greta's brow furrowed.

"Why not?"

I gave a bitter smile. "Don't tell me you still can't let this marriage go?"

"Our marriage is one part of it, yes."

She sighed.

"But there's something more important."

"Colin can't be branded the other man."

"He already has it hard enough, raising the child on his own."

"If I divorce you now for his sake and marry him, the neighbors will only think worse of him."

I stared at her, dazed.

"Greta"

"You think about him that much."

She turned her face away.

Her silence answered for her.

I smiled and forced back the tears that were about to fall.

"If you won't agree, that's fine. I'll get a lawyer. We'll do it through the courts."

"Ash"

She reached for me.

I got to the door first.

It slammed shut with a bang.

Greta stood outside for several minutes.

Then came the sound of her footsteps walking away.

I slid down slowly against the door, my back to it.

That night.

I had the nightmare again.

Colin and his friends, their faces twisting into demons.

The "instruments" in their hands turning into snakes.

Writhing, coiling around my body.

Boring into the gaps between my bones.

Their laughter was shrill and high.

The more desperate I got, the more piercing it grew.

I began to thrash in the bed.

But no matter what, I couldn't open my eyes.

The doorknob seemed to jerk twice under someone's grip.

Then the door broke open.

A pair of arms wrapped around me, tight.

By my ear was Greta's voice, the one that had soothed me out of nightmares countless times.

"It's all right. It's over now, it's over."

"I'm here."

"Ash, it's all over."

"He knows he was wrong too."

My eyes snapped open.

The sheets were soaked through with cold sweat.

The clock ticked on.

I turned my head.

The pillow beside me was empty.

And the lock was just as I'd left it when I shut the door.

No one had come.

My phone buzzed.

It was my psychiatrist.

Ash, come in and see me. Your last follow-up results are very wrong. Has something happened to you lately?

I washed up quickly.

I'd slept the whole night.

And still I was exhausted.

Walking down the hospital corridor.

A familiar shout made me stop dead.

"Ash!"

Colin was looking at me.

"It really is you!"

I watched, startled, as he came running toward me.

His skin was clear.

He dressed young, too.

Nothing like a man well into his twenties.

More like he'd stepped straight out of high school.

"Look... I came to find you because I wanted to apologize.

"I heard about what happened yesterday.

"I'm really sorry! I was young then. I didn't know any better."

I heard my own voice shaking.

"Is 'I didn't know any better' supposed to cover all of it?"

"Then... then how do I earn your forgiveness? What if I got down on my knees?"

And he did, dropping with a heavy thud.

Passersby kept turning to look.

"Ash, I really do know I was wrong!

"I've regretted it all these years. Even while I was with Greta, my heart ached for you.

"Ten years have gone by.

"Just let it go. Let's all live our lives properly, all right?"

Here it was again.

The ones who do the hurting always seem to believe.

That time thins out the pain, until a single apology is enough to be forgiven.

"No."

My fist trembled a little.

"Ash..."

His eyes went red.

"Do you really have to keep dragging up the past?

"We've both started families. Greta and I even have a child now. Are you really going to keep clinging to things that are over, making everyone miserable?"

"Colin Fox."

I ground the words out. "You'd better leave right now, or I don't know what I might do to you here."

Then.

I turned and walked fast toward the psychiatric ward.

"Allan Gilbert!"

Colin shouted behind me.

The next second.

My arm was yanked hard.

I stumbled a couple of steps and steadied myself.

But Colin let out a scream.

And crashed hard to the floor.

"Col!"

Greta's voice rang out.

I saw her run over and pull Colin up.

Crack. A hand struck my face, hard.

I turned.

My father, out of breath.

His eyes red, his finger pointed at me.

"How could you be so vicious! Greta's only just pregnant, the baby's not even stable yet, and you couldn't wait, you chased Colin all the way to the hospital to torment him!"

It hit me like a bolt out of nowhere.

"She's pregnant?!"

"Don't play dumb."

Greta looked at me coldly.

"You found out, and that's exactly why you followed him to the hospital to get back at Col, isn't it?"

I couldn't speak.

My father gave a cold laugh.

"Who'd have thought. I kept it from you so carefully, terrified you'd lose it, and you still found out."

"You think I wouldn't lose it just because you didn't tell me!"

Something in me finally broke.

"Dad! I'm your son! Why do even you treat me like this!"

"Ash!"

Against all expectation.

It was Colin who rushed forward.

Throwing himself in front of my father.

"Ash, I'm the one who wronged you back then. If you have to hate someone, hate me.

"I've already taken Uncle Cyril as my godfather. I can't stand by and watch you raise a hand to him."

"Godfather?"

My voice shook.

My father looked at me coldly.

With no intention of explaining.

"Dad, say it plainly... ah!"

I was shoved hard.

Greta stood with one arm out in front of Colin.

Watching me coldly.

The scene was far too glaring.

I heard the voices of the people around me.

"So this is Ms. Sullivan's crazy husband? How far gone do you have to be to cause a scene in a hospital lobby."

"He really doesn't give off the same impression as Mr. Fox."

"No wonder Ms. Sullivan doesn't want him anymore. I couldn't take a lunatic tearing myself apart day after day either."

"Poor Ms. Sullivan. She doesn't even love him anymore, but she keeps up the marriage just so she doesn't set him off."

"And the father, too. Poor man, with a son who has no sense at all."

"..."

"Stop talking..."

I backed away without meaning to.

Those words seemed to take on weight.

Stabbing into me until every breath hurt.

I was relapsing again.

I clutched my head.

A hand closed around my wrist.

I heard the voice of Dr. Butler, my psychiatrist.

"Breathe deep. Come with me."

I stayed with Dr. Butler until evening before I could even halfway pull myself together.

Standing at the hospital entrance.

I called my best friend.

I couldn't go home.

Whether it was the traces of the life I'd shared with Greta, or the ones tied to my father.

Either would drive me out of my mind.

When Wesley Porter came and saw me sitting alone on the bench below the hospital.

A grown man actually let a tear fall.

"Greta knows exactly what you went through. How dare she treat you like this!"

I never expected it.

In the end, I was the one comforting him instead.

Wesley kept a room in his home just for me.

The incense was the cold pine scent I liked.

The slippers he'd bought me were unwrapped and set on the floor.

Towels, toothbrush, dishes, all prepared for me long in advance.

"Stay as long as you want. If you never go back your whole life, then live here your whole life!

"Those people, there was never any reason to see them again anyway!"

I never expected the one who ended up standing on my side.

Would turn out to be someone with no blood tie to me at all.

I couldn't help the corner of my mouth lifting.

Just as I was about to eat my first meal of the day.

I heard Wesley's voice from the next room.

"Don't worry, I put sleeping pills in his food.

"He won't wake up before tomorrow night."

I stood at the door that hadn't been shut all the way.

Listening, dazed.

"Of course, Col. I'm Toby's godfather, I'll definitely be there for his third birthday party!

"And Uncle Cyril, all of you can relax, nothing will go wrong tomorrow.

"I've measured out the dose exactly. There's no way he'll find out we're celebrating Toby's birthday and lose it!

"Bye, Uncle Cyril! Bye, Ms. Sullivan, bye, Col!"

The call ended.

Wesley walked out, his face bright with delight.

And met my eyes at the door.

"Why?"

I looked at him.

"Uh... you, you heard all of it."

"Why!"

I raised my voice.

Both hands dug hard into his shoulders.

"When you came to Los Angeles without a cent to your name, I was the one who took you in!

"Why! Even you, treating me like this!

"Why!"

"Enough!"

Wesley suddenly shoved me hard.

The small of my back struck the corner of a cabinet.

I dropped onto the carpet.

"Why? Isn't that a question you should be asking yourself?"

I stared at him, dazed.

"Depression, depression, depression. Who has the energy to sit around every day playing along with your act!

"You're really exhausting, Allan. Everyone's busy. It's only you, going into your depression at the drop of a hat, and the whole world has to revolve around you?"

"Playing along with an act..."

My voice trembled.

Wesley let out a cold laugh.

"Stop going on and on about what happened to you in high school.

"How long ago was that?

"Col has already admitted he was wrong. What more do you want?"

I clenched my teeth.

"I never wronged you... your job, I was the one who begged Greta to take you into the company..."

"Right! You got her to bring me in as an intern! And even that took you a week of begging her."

Wesley spread his hands.

"But one word from Col got her to make me permanent, and then promote me to director!"

I froze.

"You stopped being anything a long time ago, Allan.

"Settle down.

"While we still have the patience, while we're still willing to play along with you.

"Have a little self-awareness.

"Don't be so mentally fragile you throw everything onto Col."

The bedroom door slammed shut in front of me.

In this laughable life of mine.

The only three people who ever protected me.

Dad, Greta, and Wesley.

None of them stood on my side anymore.

Wesley had put real care into the meal he made me.

I didn't eat a single bite.

When I woke the next day.

Wesley had already left.

I turned the door handle.

Locked.

After the falling-out.

He didn't even bother with the pretense anymore.

I gave a bitter laugh.

And went quietly back to my own room.

That afternoon.

The door was shoved open.

Greta had the child's allergy test results clenched in her hand.

"Allan! What did you do to my child!"

The door to my room was locked from the inside.

Wesley stepped up.

"Allan! Get out here! Don't do something and refuse to own it! We all know you tampered with the child's food!"

No answer.

"I'll go find the key."

Wesley turned his head.

Greta had already kicked at the door.

Bang! "Allan!"

The door burst open under the kick.

Greta's breath caught.

I lay quietly on the bed.

The blood at my wrists.

Already dried.