After They Used My Records to Excuse My Twin, I Left Them

When I was three, I was diagnosed with leukemia, and from that day on I became my twin sister's get-out-of-anything card.

The school held a sports day, and my sister used my medical records to skip signing up for a single event.

I was forced into two. I collapsed halfway through.

No one worried about me. They only looked at me with disgust.

"So useless! Can't even win a little glory for the class. Anyone watching would think all the kids in our family are made of glass."

At the fitness test, my parents used my medical records to file Loretta an exemption, so she walked away with a guaranteed passing score.

But I was too weak to do anything, so I got a zero, and that zero wrecked my SAT results too.

Even aching bones and a low fever only ever earned me one line.

"Quit acting sick. I refuse to believe a little thing like this could actually kill you!"

By the time freshman orientation training came around, Loretta once again used my medical records to get herself excused.

And I lost more than half my life out there under the sun.

They stayed cold. Not a flicker of softening.

That was when I finally understood. My body was never the thing ruining my life. They were.

"Sir, I really don't feel well."

This was the third time I'd raised my hand to say it.

The first time, the drill instructor spared me one careless glance and decided I was lying.

Then he lectured me.

"What is orientation training for? To toughen up your willpower!"

"If every one of you could just say you don't feel well and quit, then nobody would have to train at all."

Then he dropped his voice and said one more thing, close beside me.

"Anne Fox, don't hold this against me."

"Your mom and your sister both had a word with me. They said you needed a good, hard workout."

Only then did I realize this drill instructor was someone my mother knew.

They hadn't just forced me into orientation training. They'd taken away my right to rest too.

I watched him turn and walk off, done paying me any attention.

Something in me went cold and bleak, and all I could do was force myself to stay standing.

The second time, I was in too much pain to bear it, and I said it again.

He only said one thing. "If you don't want to do the training, you're free to leave. But once you leave, there's no coming back!"

I heard the threat in it, and my old habit of swallowing everything kicked in, so I shut my mouth again.

By the third time, I knew. If this kept up, my body would give out for good.

This time, before the drill instructor could even open his mouth,

the classmate beside me spoke up for me.

"Sir, let her rest a minute. Look, her skin's gone completely red!"

Once she said it, everyone else looked over at me, and sure enough, they saw how wrong I looked.

They all started putting in a good word for me.

"Yeah, sir, Anne looks pretty bad. Maybe let her sit down and rest first."

"If something actually happens, it'll be serious."

Only then did the drill instructor really look at me, and something moved in his face.

He was right on the verge of giving in when another voice cut in from the side.

"Don't let my sister fool you. She's loved faking sick since she was little."

"Sometimes even my parents and I can't tell whether she's really sick or just putting on a show."

I lifted my eyes, and even though my vision had already gone blurry,

I still made her out. My twin sister, Loretta Fox, coming over under a parasol.

"She's just jealous that I'm the sickly one who gets out of the training. But I don't want to be sickly either."

Then she looked at me.

Her voice turned long-suffering. "All right, little sister, I'll come train right alongside all of you. So stop pretending."

In just a few sentences, she buried what I'd said.

She even flipped how the whole class saw me.

I heard the murmuring start behind me.

"I heard Loretta has leukemia, always been in bad health. So sad."

"But somehow the one who looks sick to me is Anne."

"Didn't you hear her? Loved faking sick since she was little. She's just a good actress."

"And I actually spoke up for her a second ago. Unbelievable."

I tugged the corner of my mouth into something bitter.

That classmate wasn't wrong. The one who was actually sick was me.

And Loretta was the one putting on the act.

Too bad no one in this world ever believed me.

While I was thinking it, Loretta's voice came again, right beside me.

"Little sister, my advice is to tough it out. If Mom finds out, she'll be unhappy all over again."

"And whatever you do, don't fake fainting, or they'll be even angrier when they hear about it."

I knew her too well. Every time she coaxed me like this, it meant she was about to set me up.

Sure enough, the very next second, just as my body swayed and I was about to go down,

the sound of someone collapsing came from right beside me.

"Instructor, Loretta's fainted."

The words had barely landed when another voice cut in.

"Anne's fainted too."

But the drill instructor only gave one order, telling someone to help Loretta over to the infirmary.

"Instructor, what about Anne?"

"Loretta has a medical file. She was never supposed to be doing this training at all. Nothing can happen to her!"

"As for Anne"

He paused there on purpose before he finished.

"If she's so desperate to lie down, let her lie down. I'll call her parents to come take her home."

I could hear that he'd said it for my benefit.

He thought that would frighten me.

But I didn't even have the strength left to be afraid.

When I woke again, I had no idea how much time had passed.

Still, from the cool air around me, I could tell I was indoors.

Even so, my body felt terrible.

Every bone in me ached, and my skin burned as if it had been held over a flame.

I had been through this same pain a hundred times already.

And still it was more than I could bear.

I couldn't help frowning, wanting to move, only to find I had no strength at all.

Not even enough to lift my eyelids.

It was then that a voice finally came from beside me.

"Why hasn't this wretched girl woken up yet? She really can put on a show."

"If you ask me, she's just waiting until training's over to open her eyes."

It was my mother's voice, thick with complaint. Then her tone turned gentle.

"Loretta, are you feeling all right? I told you to go home and rest, but you insisted on staying here with her."

"She's an ungrateful little thing. She'll never thank you for any of it!"

The corner of my mouth twitched into a mocking smile.

Some acts, put on often enough, and even they could no longer tell what was real and what wasn't.

Listening to them talk, I suddenly remembered the day before training started.

The school's physical exam results had come out, and before I could so much as glance at mine, they'd snatched them away.

"We've already had someone change your name to your sister's, so be a good girl and go do the training. Let your sister rest."

I'd heard that kind of thing many times.

But I still couldn't stop myself from arguing.

"Mom, this is training. Two whole weeks. I can't make it through even one day, so how am I supposed to survive fifteen?"

"That's your problem to figure out."

She answered coldly, as if what I was raising with her was just some ordinary, trivial matter.

I fell silent.

Because I knew she would never change her mind, and nothing I said would make any difference.

Seeing that I'd gone quiet, she must have thought I'd given in.

Her expression eased a little.

"We're doing this for your own good," she told me.

"You know exactly what shape your body's in. To put it bluntly, you could be dead tomorrow."

"You were never going to live long in this world anyway. Sitting at home all day is no life. Go out and experience a little more of it."

That was what she said, but she had to have known.

These experiences didn't bring me any joy. They only brought me pain.

So I couldn't help but ask.

"Then what about my sister? There's nothing wrong with her body. Why doesn't she go experience all of that too?"

My mother rolled her eyes and said impatiently.

"How can you compare yourself to your sister?"

"She's the one who's going to support us in our old age. Of course we have to spare her the hardship."

In that moment, I finally understood why they doted on Loretta the way they did.

Simply because she had a healthy body.

While I was nothing but a useless thing that could die at any moment.

I finally opened my eyes and cut into their conversation.

My throat was raw as I got the words out.

"Mom, my body can't take it. If this training goes on, I'm going to die."

My mother opened her mouth, about to say something.

A knock came from outside.

A moment later the academic advisor walked in.

She glanced at me first, then asked my mother, "Is she all right?"

My mother smiled, her tone easy.

"She's fine. The second the training wrapped up outside, she woke right up."

The advisor gave me a doubtful look.

"Anne doesn't look fine to me. Maybe you should take her home to rest."

I knew the advisor wasn't saying this out of real concern for me.

She just didn't want to be held responsible if something actually happened to me.

Even so, something in me eased, and I felt a wave of gratitude toward her.

But even with the advisor saying it, my mother had no intention of giving in.

"You don't know her, Miss. She's faking it."

"It's her sister whose health is bad. She only does this to get everyone's attention."

"I can't let her keep this up. She'll go on with the training."

The advisor's face tightened with reluctance, and in the end she only said one thing.

"Then I'll have to ask you parents to stay nearby for two days. If this happens again, you take her home."

My mother promised at once. "Don't worry, Miss. We live right by the school. I won't let her cause you any more trouble."

To keep Loretta company through college, my parents had sold the house back home and moved here.

They'd even forced me to apply to the same college as Loretta.

That night I went home with them.

It was only a short trip, but it nearly cost me half my life.

Once I was lying back in bed, my body only hurt worse.

Outside there was nothing but the three of them, laughing and talking.

I don't know how long it took before it finally went quiet.

Staring up at the pitch-black sky, I couldn't feel the slightest bit of sleepiness.

The truth was, I hadn't eaten in more than ten hours.

But the pain in my body ran far deeper than hunger.

So deep that I'd overlooked the hunger entirely.

My mind churned all night, and I never slept.

By the time the sky outside began to pale, a sound came from beyond my door.

I knew it was my mother, up and about.

Loretta was picky about food and always ordered whatever she wanted the night before.

Then the next day my mother would get up early to buy groceries and cook it for her.

The strange thing was, today she didn't go out. She came to my room instead.

That had never happened before.

But I kept my eyes shut tight, with no intention of speaking to her first.

I never expected her to stop right beside my bed.

"Get up. I know you're not asleep."

Was she afraid I wouldn't go to training? Was that why she'd woken me this early?

I laughed at myself, quietly, inside.

The next second I heard her say, "Get up and take this painkiller."

My eyes flew open, and I looked at her in disbelief.

My mother had never once let me take painkillers before.

She said a person should learn to endure, not depend on medicine.

I pressed my lips together, and in the end I forced myself to sit up.

I took the pill and the cup of water from her hands and swallowed it.

Whether it was in my head or something real, the moment I finished, my body didn't feel quite so unbearable.

I opened my mouth. The words "Thank you, Mom" still hadn't left my throat.

Her voice came again from above me.

"You've taken the medicine, so get up and go be good at training."

"I'll be right there watching you. Don't even think about pulling any tricks!"

The expression on my face froze.

For one moment I actually wished I'd misheard.

But I knew perfectly well that this was real.

So you gave me the medicine just so I'd go to orientation training?

That was the thought in my head, and so that was what I asked.

She didn't catch the emptiness in my voice. She just said it like it was obvious.

What else? You've taken the medicine, so stop making a fuss!

Does my life mean nothing at all?

I looked at her, my voice stubborn as I asked.

Even as I asked it, I already had the answer.

But still I wanted them to give it to me to my face.

Good or bad, it didn't matter.

It was a pity that they wouldn't give me even that simple answer.

And this time was no exception.

Stop dragging it out! Don't think you can get out of training by bringing all this up with me.

Anne, I'm warning you once. If you really don't want to do the training, we'll go withdraw you from school right now!

It seemed she was always like this, forcing me to choose with a threat.

But I didn't want to give in anymore.

In every memory I had, I was the only one sacrificing.

Even though the leukemia wouldn't have held me back, in the end it became the thing that held me back most.

For one moment my head suddenly went clear.

The thing that had always kept me from moving forward was never my body.

It was them.

If I hadn't been forced into the fitness test, I wouldn't have scored a flat zero.

If not for this trade, Loretta and I never could have applied to the same college.

I clenched my fists, suddenly feeling like a fool.

I kept thinking about how they'd given birth to me. I kept thinking about how I'd been a burden to them.

And so I told myself, over and over, to endure and give way.

But the price of giving way was to give up my own life.

Honestly, I didn't want to, and I couldn't accept it.

So I set a firm look on my face and asked.

Mom, are you sure you want me to go to training?

Maybe she heard how serious I was, because her sizing-up gaze rested on me for a few seconds.

Then she asked, What do you mean? Are you trying to threaten me?

I wasn't threatening her. But I would make them regret it.

Before I could answer, though,

she went on, Don't try to scare me! No matter what you say today, you're going to that training!

It doesn't matter if you ruin your own reputation, but if it comes out that your sister used your medical records, I'll never let you off!

So the real reason they'd kept forcing me into all these activities.

It was only that they were afraid of that coming out.

I laughed to myself, bitter.

Was I not afraid of dying? They had never once cared about my life.

In that case, I'd let them feel the thing they were afraid of too.

So I tipped up the corner of my mouth and said sweetly, :

Fine. I'll go to the training.