A Hundred Confessions Can't Win Back Yesterday

The groom didn't show up on our wedding day.

The emcee came over for the third time to ask whether we should keep waiting, and that was when I got Cliff's call.

He sounded tired, and a little annoyed. Carly's in a bad way. I have to stay with her. Cordelia, push the schedule back for now.

I looked at the hundred and twenty-eight guests seated below the stage and took off my veil.

"There's no need to push it back."

"The wedding's canceled."

Five hours later, Cliff ran back to the empty hall and finally panicked.

He'd thought I was only throwing a tantrum.

Later, he staged a hundred public confessions begging me to come back.

On the hundredth one, he waited at the old pier until dawn.

All he got was the news that I'd already gone.

The wedding was set for 11:18 in the morning.

By 10:40, Cliff still hadn't arrived.

The best man had called seven times. No one picked up.

Cliff's mother couldn't sit still. She waved her hands anxiously at the relatives. "It's just traffic. Cliff always handles things carefullynothing could have happened to him."

I smiled along with her.

The makeup artist was touching up my lipstick, but her hands were shaking.

"Miss Payne, would you like to switch to a different color?"

"No."

This was the bright red my mother had picked out for me before she died.

My mom used to say that on a woman's wedding day, she shouldn't spend the whole time worrying about keeping other people happy.

At eleven, the big screen started playing the warm-up video.

In it, Cliff and I went from school uniforms to a wedding dress.

At seventeen, he held an umbrella over me at the school gate.

At twenty-one, he hugged me at our graduation ceremony.

At twenty-six, in front of both families, he slid the engagement ring onto my finger.

The last shot was of him looking down at me after his suit fitting.

There was only one line of text.

Cordelia Payne, this time I won't keep you waiting.

The guests applauded.

My phone still didn't ring.

At 11:13, Carly posted to her social media.

The photo showed a hospital ER wristband, with only two words.

I'm sorry.

I called Cliff.

The first time, he hung up.

The second time, the same.

On the third try, he finally answered.

I could hear a nurse's voice on the line, and Carly crying.

I gripped my phone. "Where are you?"

"City General Hospital."

"Do you know what day it is?"

"I know."

He paused, and his voice dropped. "Carly took some pills. She just had her stomach pumped. The doctor said she can't be left alone. Cordelia, a person's life mattersdon't make a scene right now."

Outside the hall, the emcee was still covering for him.

He held the microphone and soothed the crowd. "The groom has a surprise prepared. Please bear with us a little longer."

Every single one of them was waiting, for my sake, on a man who wasn't going to come on time.

"Did the doctor say she's still in danger?"

"She's out of danger now, but she's emotionally unstable."

"How soon can you get back?"

"As soon as I can."

"The ceremony starts at 11:18."

"Then change the schedule."

He said it so easily.

As if a wedding I'd spent nine months planning, a room full of guests, and even the last video my mother left behind should all step aside for Carly.

Me included.

For the past eight years, I'd always been the one giving way.

I closed my eyes. "Cliff, you don't need to come back."

There were two seconds of silence on the other end.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"The wedding's canceled."

His voice went cold. "Cordelia, now is not the time to be throwing a tantrum."

So refusing to wait on a groom who never came was called throwing a tantrum.

And making the bride wait in front of more than a hundred people was called keeping the bigger picture in mind.

I hung up and pushed open the doors of the hall.

The lights came down on me, and everyone turned to look.

The emcee walked over. "Looks like the bride can't wait to share the good news with everyone herself."

I took the microphone from his hand.

"I'm sorry to have made you all come here for nothing."

The room slowly went quiet.

My father's face was grim. Cliff's mother's eyes reddened at once.

"The groom has someone more important to be with today. He can't come."

"So the wedding is canceled."

The room broke into noise.

My father rushed up onto the stage. "Cordelia, have you lost your mind? If there's a problem, settle it behind closed doorsdon't humiliate both families!"

I stepped away from his reaching hand.

"Dad, the only person humiliated today, from start to finish, is me."

The big screen was still frozen on that line.

This time I won't keep you waiting.

I had the staff turn off the video.

"The wedding gift money will be returned to everyone. For out-of-town guests, I'll cover the travel and lodging."

"The banquet is ready. Anyone who wants to stay is welcome to eat."

I took off the ring and set it down at the front of the stage.

"As for Cliff and me."

"After today, there's nothing between us."

As I stepped off the stage, Cliff's mother caught my arm.

"Cordelia, let me apologize on Cliff's behalf. Carly's parents aren't here, and if something had really happened to her, Cliff would have carried it for the rest of his life."

"You've always been the sensible one. Give him another chance, all right?"

Sensible again.

On her eighteenth birthday, when Carly's boyfriend broke up with her, Cliff spent the whole night drinking with her.

When I graduated with my master's, he promised to come pick me up.

When Carly's dog went missing, he helped her look for it until midnight.

On the day of our engagement banquet, Carly quarreled with a coworker and hid in the bathroom crying.

He left the elders from both families behind to go get her.

Every single time, everyone told me to be sensible.

As if being sensible wasn't about consideration, but a get-out-of-jail-free card that could be used again and again.

Since I would never cry out in pain anyway.

I pulled my hand free. "Ma'am, I've already been very sensible today."

"I didn't make a scene at the hospital, and I didn't force him to leave Carly."

"I gave them my blessing."

"From now on, he can be with whoever he wants."

"It has nothing to do with me."

Back in the lounge, I took off my wedding dress.

I had pushed the wedding back two months just to wait for this dress.

Cliff had laughed at me then, saying I cared too much about the formalities.

I told him it only happens once in a lifetime, so of course I cared.

He held me and said, "Okay. Whatever you want."

Now that once-in-a-lifetime wedding had come, and he hadn't shown up.

I changed into my own clothes and left the dress there.

At 4:07 in the afternoon, Cliff finally arrived.

The hotel manager told me later that when he pushed open the doors to the hall, all that was left inside were the flowers no one had cleared away yet.

In the center of the stage sat the ring I had left behind.

He stared at it for a long time before turning to look for someone. "Where is she?"

No one answered.

When the call came, I had just finished processing the last refund.

"Cordelia, where are you?"

"On my way home."

"Come back. Let's talk."

"Everything that needed to be said has been said."

He held down his anger. "You just cancel it, like that? What about the face of both families, the company's clients, the hundred-plus guests? Did you think about the consequences?"

The first thing out of his mouth after he arrived wasn't "I'm sorry."

He was blaming me for not going on cleaning up his mess.

I cut him off. "When you left, did you think about that?"

"Carly really was in danger at the time."

"Didn't the doctor say she was out of danger by 11:40?"

He clearly paused. "How do you know that?"

"You just told me so yourself."

The line went completely silent.

I kept going. "You didn't get there until four. That's more than four hours in between. What were you waiting for?"

"She kept holding on to me and wouldn't sleep. I was afraid something would happen to her again."

"So you chose to stay."

It wasn't Carly forcing him.

It wasn't the doctor stopping him.

He simply decided my side didn't matter.

His voice finally softened. "The wedding can be held again. The hotel, the guests, every lossI'll handle it. If you love that dress, I'll order another one."

"Can the pearl my mother sewed onto the cuff be remade too?"

Before my mother died, her hands shook too badly to hold a needle.

It took her an entire afternoon to get that pearl sewn on.

The day before the wedding, I even pointed out the crooked thread to him.

He knew perfectly well it was the most precious thing on the whole dress.

The light turned red, and I stopped the car.

A tear fell onto the back of my hand.

I wiped it away.

"Cliff, the wedding can't be held again."

"That day is over. Once it's gone, it's gone."

I'd known Cliff Bishop for twelve years, and dated him for eight.

Everyone thought we were certain to get married.

Me included.

Back in college, the hardest year of starting his company, there were only three people left.

I went to class during the day and helped him tally up orders at night.

The office leaked, so we caught the water in plastic basins and ate instant ramen sitting on cardboard boxes.

He held my hand and promised he'd give me a good life someday.

I believed him.

Not because the words sounded nice.

Because back then he remembered I didn't eat cilantro, he'd heat up milk for me after I stayed up late, and he'd leave me the only umbrella.

He really did love me once.

So every time he left me behind afterward, I made excuses for him.

Work was too busy.

An old friend was in trouble.

It was urgent.

We had a long life ahead of us.

Carly Lyons was his high school classmate.

When Cliff was seventeen, his father suddenly had a stroke.

Cliff kept watch alone at the hospital, too scared to tell anyone.

It was Carly who noticed something was wrong, called their teacher, and stayed with him until his mother rushed over.

He carried that debt of gratitude for years.

He promised Carly that whenever she hit a wall she couldn't get past, she could come to him anytime.

There's nothing wrong with making someone a promise.

What was wrong was that later, every wall she hit, she got past by stepping over me.

She lost money in her business, and he used the money we'd set aside to buy a house.

She got drunk, and he drove two hours in the middle of the night to pick her up.

She was scared to spend her birthday alone, so he canceled on my dad's dinner.

Every time, before he left, he'd hand the choice off to me.

"Cordelia, I'm the only one who can help her right now."

"You won't mind, will you?"

"Just this once."

Once it was put that way, the moment I minded, I became the cold-blooded one.

So I nodded, again and again.

"It's fine, go ahead."

He heard it so many times that even he came to believe it.

He really thought I didn't mind.

On the night of our engagement banquet, he had to go pick up Carly again.

I chased him to the hotel entrance.

"Cliff, on our wedding day, unless someone's about to die, you cannot leave me."

He froze for a second, then laughed that I was overthinking it.

I didn't give in. "Promise me."

He finally put his phone away, came back, and held me.

"Okay."

"As long as you're still standing there, I'll come back."

Back then I held on to that line for a long time.

Only now do I understand that the sky doesn't have to fall.

One tear from Carly is enough.

Three days after the wedding was called off, I moved out of the bridal home.

We'd bought the house together, but the decorating had been done almost entirely to his taste.

He wakes easily in his sleep, so the curtains had to be blackout.

He doesn't like bright colors, so all the furniture is gray.

He has rhinitis, so we couldn't keep flowers in the house.

By the time I finished packing, I realized that in this place I'd lived in for three years, everything that was mine fit into two suitcases.

When Cliff rushed back, I was setting the key down by the door.

"Where are you going?"

"My own place."

"We just had a fight. Is it really necessary to move out?"

He hadn't slept in three days, and his dark circles were heavy.

Before, seeing him like this, I would have softened.

This time, I just felt tired.

"We didn't have a fight."

He blocked the doorway. "So are you punishing me, or trying to force me to stop looking out for Carly from now on?"

When someone can't understand your pain, no matter how much you say, it all sounds like you're just fishing for sympathy.

I looked at him. "Cliff, I'm breaking up with you."

He froze, and then, a few seconds later, he actually let out a laugh.

"Just because I didn't go to the wedding?"

"Yes."

"Don't say things out of anger."

"I'm not angry."

He reached out to touch me, and I took a step back.

His hand stopped in midair.

"I'm not angry, because I don't want you anymore."

The color drained from his face all at once.

"Impossible. You've loved me for eight years."

"I have."

"We bought the house, the wedding got this far. And now you want to back out?"

"It's precisely because it got this far that I can't keep lying to myself anymore."

"I always used to think, if I just endured it one more time, we'd be fine."

"But on our wedding day, I finally understoodif I couldn't get you to come even while I was standing there in my wedding dress, I never will."

His eyes were red. "Carly took the pills. What was I supposed to do?"

"So I don't blame you for going."

"I'm just not staying anymore."

He grabbed my suitcase. "I don't agree to this."

I pried his hand off.

"A breakup doesn't need both people to agree."

The door closed in front of him.

This time, the one left waiting in place was him.