Cold Wind Soaks My Heart; Loving You Was Just an Illusion

It was only after I married Astrid Henson that I learned her ex-husband hadn't just taken custody of her daughter.

He'd taken a promise from her too.

Every season, she had to go on a two-week family trip with the two of them, father and daughter, with the time and place entirely up to him.

So on the day of our honeymoon, I was left alone on the plane.

For three straight wedding anniversaries, I was stood up every time.

Until the prank gift her daughter mailed scared me so badly that I tumbled down the stairs.

It ruptured my spleen and caused massive internal bleeding, and the hospital needed a family member to sign for surgery.

But it took more than a dozen calls before Astrid finally picked up.

Her voice was tired and impatient:

"Phineas, so now you've learned to lie and drag my daughter's name through the mud because you're jealous, is that it?"

"Today is the first day of the fall family trip. There's no way I'm leaving the two of them, father and daughter, just to come home and keep you company."

"Oh, and go get a vasectomy tomorrow. I promised her father I'd only ever have one child in this life, and that's Nora."

So it turned out she'd never intended to have a child of our own with me at all.

I calmly hung up and signed the surgery consent form myself.

Since Astrid couldn't let go of her ex-husband and their daughter.

Then I'd just hand the position of her husband back where it belonged.

...

On the seventh day after my surgery, Astrid and the others came back early, out of nowhere.

I was sitting at the dining table, drinking the nourishing soup my housekeeper, Lena, had made for me.

Morgan gave her a snide little smile:

"What did I tell you? Even with you gone, he wasn't going to shortchange himself. I've seen this jealous-little-boy routine plenty of times."

"And to think you and Nora were so scared something had really happened to him that you insisted on coming back to check. Well, I don't care. We agreed on a two-week trip, and we're still eight days short."

"You owe me those. Let's leave next Wednesday. I want to go skiing in Switzerland."

Astrid said flatly, "Understood."

I glanced at the calendar on the wall without thinking.

That day was our fourth wedding anniversary, and Astrid had promised she'd spend this one with me.

Looked like she was going to break her word again.

Morgan shot Astrid a look, as if prodding her toward something.

Astrid asked me, sounding put-upon:

"Phineas, have you had the vasectomy done?"

That was the first thing he said to me the moment he walked ineven the way she addressed me had changed.

Because once, when Morgan came to pick up Nora, he heard her call me "Phin," and he made a scene right then and there.

His face was all wounded and furious:

"Astrid, if you want to show off your sweet little husband, can't you at least pick your moments?"

"Getting all cozy right in front of my daughterdo you want her to think her father's a failure?! Have you ever once considered how I feel?!"

So from then on, whenever he was around.

Astrid always called me by my full name, but when it came to Morgan...

She still called him "Morg," warm as ever.

I said calmly:

"No. And there's no need for one anymore.

That accident didn't just rupture my spleen.

It also tore my vas deferens, which took away any chance of me ever becoming a father."

Morgan's face fell at once, and Astrid frowned too.

Her eyes caught the box on the chair.

Inside was that hyper-realistic 3D doll, its face bloody and grotesque.

"Why would you bring something like that into the house? You're terrified of these things, aren't you?"

I looked at the girl who had been silent ever since she came in.

Nora, who kept sneaking careful little glances at me, and I said without any expression:

"Then you'll have to ask your daughter."

Nora shot a nervous look at Morgan on instinct.

And Morgan immediately jabbed a finger in my face and snapped:

"Phineas, have you no shame? A grown man like you, dumping your dirt on a child?"

"My daughter is only six. Where would she even get something like this? Don't think I can't see what you're up to!"

He snatched up my bag and dumped everything inside it clattering across the table.

Morgan picked up a bottle of folic acid supplements and hurled it down at my feet.

Then he rounded on Astrid:

"So this is the one you called obedient and sensible, the one who's so good to Nora?"

"Slandering Nora, saying she made him fall down the stairs, then playing along about the vasectomy while secretly taking folic acid to prep for a pregnancy!"

"All he wants is to have a son with you, then throw my daughter out and steal what's hers, isn't it? If you dare let some bastard of his fight Nora for it, I'll kill myself in front of you!"

Astrid frowned wearily:

"I never thought anything of the sort. Say what you have to say calmly. Losing your temper in front of the childwhat kind of way is that to act?"

She didn't blame him for how utterly he ignored every boundary.

She didn't blame him for the insults he threw at me.

Out of pure habit, she patted his back to soothe him:

"You head back first. I'll handle this."

Morgan gave a cold snort:

"Of course I'm leaving. And I'm taking Nora with me."

"So certain people can't take advantage of my absence to bully my daughternot even afraid of what's coming to them!"

He stormed off, tugging Nora along, and she kept glancing back over her shoulder as he led her inside to pack.

The living room fell quiet again.

Astrid pinched the bridge of her nose, exhausted:

"Phin, you went too far this time. Nora is the apple of Morgan's eye. Even if you're jealous, you shouldn't drag her into it."

"And the folic acidI need an explanation for that."

"So you really are trying to get pregnant behind my back?"

The pressure in her eyes as she said it was all too familiar to me.

It was the same reproach she used when a subordinate had made a mistake.

I countered:

"And if I were? Would you still let me get a vasectomy?"

Astrid's tone turned sharp at once, and she blurted out:

"Not now!"

Realizing her attitude had been harsh, she sat on my lap and coaxed me:

"Morgan says Nora's felt very insecure since the divorce. If we have a child now, it'll hurt her mental health."

"So while you're not pregnant yet, go ahead and get the vasectomy done."

"When Nora is grown and can take over the company, if you still want one, I can take you to get it reversed, or we can do IVF. By then Morgan should feel at ease too."

Nora is six this year. That means I'd have to wait twelve years.

And even then it would depend on whether Morgan agreed at that point.

Astrid kissed the side of my face gently.

I used to be captivated by this tenderness hidden beneath her cool, aloof, refined exterior.

But right now there was none of the flutter I used to feel.

I pulled free of her and stood, smiling sarcastically:

"Am I going to spend my whole life making concessions for your ex-husband and your daughter?"

Astrid paused, irritation seeping into her eyes:

"When you married me, didn't you know I was divorced and had a daughter? Bringing this up now what's the point?"

"When Morgan and I split up, part of the fault was mine. Being a single father isn't easy. I can't just leave him with no help."

Listening to her, I only found it absurd.

Even though Morgan took custody, most of the time he leaves Nora here to live.

After all, Astrid and he were each other's first love, and they'd been married for several years.

They divorced over clashing tempers, but she always felt guilty toward him, and let him do as he pleased.

I'm the one working and caring for Nora at the same time. What exactly is so hard for him?

Seeing there was no common ground, Astrid picked a box of stomach medicine out of the medicine cabinet and headed for the children's room.

Her tone was indifferent:

"Calm down first. I'm going to check on Morgan. He gets a stomachache whenever he's upset."

Beside me, Lena murmured quietly:

"All these years, Ms. Henson has never forgotten that only that one brand of stomach medicine works best for Mr. Mason."

"It's a foreign brand, the instructions are all in English, and the print is so small I used to not even know it was stomach medicine."

"But Ms. Henson remembers it better than anyone. Even after the two of them divorced, she still keeps it stocked at home out of habit. I suppose she still can't stop worrying about him."

I'm the one who buys everything for the house. Astrid rarely bothers with these small things.

That stomach medicine was the only thing she specifically asked me to buy.

I never thought much about it before. So that was the reason.

Realizing she'd said the wrong thing, Lena hurried to explain:

"Sir, please don't take it to heart, I was talking nonsense."

"It wasn't that I didn't want to explain the surgery for you just now it's just that Ms. Henson always cares so much about Mr. Mason's feelings, and I didn't dare contradict him to his face..."

"Since Ms. Henson married you, she must like you too..."

I stared silently at the cluttered table.

The truth was, besides that bottle of folic acid supplements, there were two other medicine boxes.

The packaging clearly and prominently noted: 'Medication for patients with depression.'

And folic acid, besides helping with conception, also plays a supporting role in treating depression.

But Astrid looked right past them or maybe she saw them and simply didn't care.

As I passed the children's room, I could hear Morgan talking with her inside.

"See, I told you. How could a stepfather really love Nora? He's barely been in this house any time at all, and he's already learned to set the child up."

"I heard him arguing with you. This is the young guy you like? When did your taste get so bad?"

Astrid's tone was a little cold:

"I wouldn't call it liking him. You were always dumping Nora on me back then, but I was too busy."

"Phineas is gentle, family-minded, knows his boundaries, and he's Nora's kindergarten teacher, so he knows how to care for a child. He was a very suitable choice. If I'd known things would blow up like this today, I'd have been better off staying single."

So it was only that I was suitable.

I twisted my mouth into a sarcastic smile and walked straight back to the bedroom.

Honestly, when I was diagnosed with mild depression, I was surprised too.

All I knew was that I hadn't been happy in a long time.

It always felt like a stone was lodged in my chest, making it hard to breathe.

But when the doctor asked me when it had started, I couldn't answer.

Was it when Astrid promised to make up our honeymoon, then left me alone at a foreign airport again to go on a last-minute family trip with Morgan?

Or when she heard I wanted a child, and the very next day came home with a box of long-term birth control pills and told me to wait a little longer?

It didn't matter anymore.

Since no one cared about my feelings, at least I had to learn to love myself.

I sent a message to my lawyer:

"Could you please draft a set of divorce papers for me? Thank you."

I set down the phone, and the bedroom door was pushed open gently.

Nora crept in carefully.

She looked at my stomach and whispered:

"I just secretly asked Lena, and she said they cut open your stomach and you bled a lot."

"But I only didn't want you to have your own little baby. Daddy said... I didn't know you'd fall down the stairs, really."

"Mr. Harding, can we still be secret-swapping best friends? I have another secret, and if you want to hear it, I can stay."

I never once asked Nora to call me Dad.

Because everyone's father is irreplaceable.

Afraid she might withdraw into herself because of her parents' divorce, I always cared for her and looked after her as a friend.

Many times she curled up in my arms and traded me the secrets she wouldn't tell Astrid or Morgan.

And she was the first person to know I was scared of creepy dolls.

Three days ago, she called:

"Mr. Harding, I sent you a gift. It's on the second floor of the pickup point at the entrance to the complex."

"Are you about to head downstairs? Then open the giftgo on, right now."

Right up until I was scared badly enough to tumble down the stairs, I never suspected she had any other motive.

I spoke coldly:

"No need. Right now I don't want to see you, and I don't make friends with people who hurt themselves."

Nora's eyes reddened in an instant, and suddenly she shouted stubbornly:

"Dad's right! You don't actually like me at all. You're only nice to me to make Mom happy!"

"Once you have your own kid, you'll like me even less!"

And with that she turned and ran off.

I frowned.

Some thought seemed to flash through my mind.

Before I could catch it, Lena walked in, worried:

"Nora and her father have left. She looked really upset."

"Just now she kept asking me whether you were in a lot of pain. Maybe she realized she was wrong and wanted to apologize to you..."

I said nothing.

I don't want anyone thinking I'm bullying a child, either.

But right now I really can't manage to be gentle with her.

Because of that unpleasant conversation earlier, Astrid chose to stay in the study and work.

And I hadn't yet recovered from the anemia and weakness after the surgery.

The wound on my abdomen ached faintly too.

I drifted off into a heavy sleep.

But in the middle of the night I suddenly spiked a high fever.

In my daze, someone was softly calling my name.

When I opened my eyes, Astrid was looking at me, her eyes full of concern:

"Phin, your fever's really bad. Did you catch a cold? Come on, I'll take you to the hospital."

The next second, a phone rang.

The caller ID said Morgan.

Astrid frowned, but she still chose to answer.

For some reason she glanced at me and, for the first time, put it on speaker.

"Astrid, that moon lamp you had made for Nora suddenly stopped working. It might be broken. She has night blindness, and I sleep too deeply at night."

"With no nightlight, I'm afraid she'll bump into something if she gets up in the night. Come over and help fix it now."

Astrid was silent for a few seconds:

"All right."

I caught hold of her:

"Astrid, I've always been the one in charge of Nora's checkups. She has never had night blindness."

Morgan heard that from the other end and immediately sneered:

"What a joke. Nora's my own flesh and bloodI know her a thousand times better than you do!"

"Astrid, we agreed back then that even if we divorced, you wouldn't shortchange our daughter on a mother's love."

"Are you dumping everything on me now just because you're scared your little husband will get jealous? Is that how you repay all the years of my youth I gave you?!"

He hung up in a fury.

Astrid sighed and slowly pushed my hand away.

"Phin, be sensible. Don't put me in a hard spot at a time like this."

"Morgan's right about one thingas her real father, he's got to know his daughter better than you do, her stepfather. Maybe you should reflect on whether you've been paying enough attention to Nora's health."

"I'll go wake Lena and have her take you to the hospital."

I stared at her, dazed.

All through Nora's childhood, every time she got sick, I was the one who stayed by her bed, not eating, not drinking.

Even the snacks I bought for her, I'd read the ingredient labels carefully to make sure there wasn't a trace of anything harmful.

So this is what they call not caring enough?

I fought down the hurt in my chest with everything I had, and said quietly:

"Astrid, let's get a divorce."

She paused, and the smile at the corner of her mouth turned faint and cold:

"Phineas, you're not the first person to threaten me with divorce, and I never fall for it."

Right. Back then Morgan had another huge fight with her and brought up divorce.

Astrid agreed on the spot.

But at least he still had her child, still had things about him she couldn't let go of, while I had nothing.

She mistook my silence for regret, and before she left, she said coldly:

"Take a few days off from the kindergarten. I'll set up an appointment with the doctor for you. Once you're over the cold, you can go get the vasectomy done."

I was on an IV drip all night at the hospital, and my fever finally broke.

The doctor said the wound was a little infected and told me to be careful with my movements these next few days.

To avoid the sutures splitting open and causing something more serious.

That night, Astrid never showed up.

The next morning, I told Lena, who had kept watch all night, to go home and rest.

I planned to finish the IV and then go to a lawyer myself to get the divorce papers.

Then Lena suddenly got a call from Astrid.

It turned out that when Morgan went to wake Nora for breakfast, he found her gone.

They still hadn't found her, and she was told to hurry home and take a look.

Lena had just left when my phone abruptly rang too.

It was the number from Nora's phone watch.

The moment I answered, I heard her crying on the other end:

"Mr. Harding, help me..."

The call was suddenly cut off, and when I called back, no one answered.

My heart lurched.

I remembered that my phone was linked to the real-time location on Nora's smartwatch.

I yanked out the IV needle and rushed out.

I found Nora by the lake in the park near the hospital.

A man was holding her up off the ground, cursing:

"Your dad is a lunatic. All I did was get a new haircut for work, and he decided I was hitting on your mom!"

"Not only did they fire me, they held back my severance too, so I couldn't pay my mother's medical bills and she died right in front of me!"

"He made me lose my family, so I'll throw his daughter down and drown her too!"

Nora's little face went deathly pale with fear, too scared even to cry.

I rushed over, phone held up:

"Put the child down!"

"I've already recorded what you did. If I hand it over to the police, you'll lose a lot more than just your job!"

The truth was my phone had died long ago; I was only bluffing him.

But luckily the man believed me, caught off guard by my sudden threat.

His head cooled down too.

He cursed me viciously for meddling, set Nora down, and ran off.

Nora cried and clung to my leg:

"Mr. Harding, he pinched me, it hurts so much..."

I rolled up her sleeve, and sure enough, there were several bruises on her arm.

She was, after all, a child I'd raised for years, and I couldn't help feeling for her.

"Nora, how could you go running off on your own? It's so dangerous!"

She wiped her tears, hurt:

"Didn't you say you didn't want to be friends anymore? I thought you wouldn't come..."

"But you're still my student, and for now my stepdaughter. If you're in danger, of course I'll come."

"I remember your dad is on your emergency contact list too. Did you call him?"

Nora shook her head and said quietly:

"He lied to me. I don't want to call him."

"And I didn't just run off. Mom said you were sick and in the hospital. I wanted to visit you, but Dad wouldn't let me. I still wanted to apologize to you."

"Dad's good friend works here. She's brought me a few times. She's the one who told Dad you were hurt."

"But I didn't know which room you were in, and then I ran into that man. He said he'd take me to find you..."

I instantly caught the key detail:

"So your dad already knew I'd had surgery?"

"Nora, what was the secret you wanted to tell me yesterday? Did you really send me that prank doll on your own?"

Before she could answer, a figure came charging over.

Morgan saw the bruises on Nora's arm, raised his hand, and slapped me to the ground.

"You bitch, framing my daughter wasn't enough? Now you lure her out here to abuse her on purpose?!"

"Are you trying to strangle her to make room for your future bastard? I'll beat you to death!"

My body was terribly weak, no match at all for Morgan in his rage.

He beat me like a madman, and Nora was so frightened she wailed:

"Dad, stop! Don't hit Mr. Harding..."

Seeing blood at the corner of my mouth, Astrid frowned and pulled Morgan off:

"That's enough. You've scared your daughter to tears. Take her to the hospital for a checkup right now!"

Still not satisfied, Morgan kicked me hard in the stomach again:

"You touch my daughter one more time and I'll end your life!"

He scooped Nora up and left.

Astrid started to help me up, but when she saw Morgan's resentful glare, she pulled her hand back.

And because of that kick, I felt the wound in my abdomen suddenly tear open.

What followed was agonizing pain.

Blood gushed out, staining the snow-white shirt red.

I called out to her helplessly:

"Astrid, my surgical wound has split open. Can't you take me to the hospital too?"

Morgan's eyes went red at once as he glared at her:

"Those were leather shoes, not a knife! He's just jealous, putting on a show with red ink! He's capable of kidnapping a kid, so what's faking an injury to him?!"

"Astrid, don't forget your promise to me. There are only eight days left for the fall trip. I've decidedwe start right now."

"For these eight days, you stay with just me and our daughter. If you dare choose him today, I'll jump into the lake right now with Nora in my arms and drown, so we won't be in your way anymore!"

I defended myself weakly:

"I didn't..."

"Enough!"

Astrid looked at me with disappointment:

"Phineas, when you went after Nora, did you ever think about how much this would hurt Morgan? Getting jealous by pulling something like this is truly shameless."

"You'd better pray Nora is all right, and stay away from my daughter from now on."

They got into the car, and Nora cried and pounded on the window, as if she wanted to get out.

But Morgan yanked her back.

The car drove off right in front of me.

And then I completely lost consciousness...

...

Half an hour later, after the examination, the doctor said Nora was fine.

Only then did Astrid breathe a sigh of relief.

She remembered how Morgan had beaten Phineas, and that shirt almost entirely soaked red.

For some reason, something felt off.

That... was it really red ink?

The next second, Lena appeared, her face ghost-white, and grabbed at her in a panic:

"Ms. Henson, thank goodness you're here."

"Sirthe wound from his major hemorrhage surgery has torn open badly, and he's lost too much blood. They're trying to save him on the fourth floor right now..."