We Gazed in Silence, Only Tears in a Thousand Rows

The day my husband carried a three-year-old boy home, my mother-in-law knelt down in front of me.

She said he was the only flesh and blood her younger son had left in the world.

The boy's mother is unreliable. If you don't raise him, he'll truly become an orphan.

My heart softened, and I took the child in.

For seven years I was busy caring for him, and I put off my own plans to have a baby again and again.

Lloyd always said:

"We already have Alvin, so what does it matter whether he's our biological child or not?"

"Either way, he's family."

I felt guilty for a long time because of those words.

It wasn't until the year Alvin turned ten that he suddenly came down with appendicitis.

When I got to the ward, I heard my mother-in-law say this.

"She can't have children, but she's had Alvin by her side all these years, so it's not like she's lost out."

"If she ever finds out Alvin is your biological son, how would this family go on?"

Lloyd said nothing.

That night, I took Alvin's toothbrush and a strand of Lloyd's hair to the DNA testing center.

The final line of the results met my eyes, and my whole body went stiff.

So the orphan I'd spent seven years raising for my dead brother-in-law.

Had been my husband's biological son all along.

Seven years ago, I was the one who brought that child through our door.

Seven years later, I walked out of this house alone.

......

By the time I got back to the hospital, it was already past four in the morning.

Alvin's fever had just broken, and Lloyd sat at the bedside giving him water to sip.

He stood up the moment I came in.

"Where did you go? You weren't answering your phone."

His face was worn out with exhaustion.

Yesterday, that would have made my heart ache.

Now I only felt that the man in front of me was a complete stranger.

I looked at the little face on the bed, so much like his.

So it wasn't that the nephew looked like the uncle. It was that the son looked like his father.

Alvin reached out to me.

"Mommy."

My steps stopped.

I'd heard him call me that for more than two thousand days and nights.

For seven years, he'd wanted me to hold him when he had a fever, wanted me beside him when he couldn't sleep.

But now it drove into my chest like a nail, and the pain made even my breathing shake.

Lloyd noticed the look on my face.

"Cynthia?"

I walked over and tucked the blanket up around Alvin.

"It's nothing, my stomach's upset."

Lauren woke up in the visitor's chair.

The first thing she said when she saw me was.

"You're finally back. Alvin just had surgery, he can't be left alone."

"You're his mother, and instead of staying with your child you go running off."

I looked at her.

Seven years ago, she said that every time she closed her eyes she saw her dead younger son.

She said Alvin had Matthews blood in his veins, and she couldn't stand to see the boy suffer under an irresponsible woman.

Her crying softened my heart, and I took Alvin home.

When he was first brought back, he couldn't settle in the strange bed at night, cried until he could barely breathe, and I carried him around and around the living room.

When his fever ran high, I sat up with him until four in the morning.

The first parent-teacher meeting at his preschool, I was the one who went.

When his baby tooth fell out, I was the one who tucked it into a little box.

The first time he called me Mommy, Lloyd's eyes even went red.

I quit my job for him and took care of him day and night.

Everyone told me that even though Alvin wasn't my biological child, once you've raised a child long enough he becomes your own.

And I lied to myself that way for seven years.

I looked into her eyes.

"Mom, once Alvin's better, let's take him to visit James."

"He's ten now. It's time he formally kowtowed to his father."

Lauren's expression visibly froze, and Lloyd looked up at me too.

I went on:

"And while we're at it, let's get a notarized kinship record done."

"For household registration, inheritance, all that down the line it'll come in handy."

Lauren immediately waved her hand.

"James has been dead for years. Why stir all that up?"

"And that test of yours is there anyone who'd refuse to acknowledge Alvin?"

I twisted the corner of my mouth.

"True enough."

Lloyd kept watching me.

"Cynthia, what's gotten into you today?"

I hitched the bag up onto my shoulder.

"Nothing. You stay with him. I'll go home and get a change of clothes."

When I walked out of the inpatient wing, the sky was just turning pale.

At the pharmacy next to the hospital, I bought a pregnancy test.

My period was more than forty days late. With Alvin in the hospital these past days, I hadn't had a moment to think about it.

Back home, I sat in the bathroom.

Three minutes later, two clear red lines slowly appeared.

Staring at them, my tears suddenly spilled over.

At thirty-six, I finally had a child of my own.

And it happened to be on the very day I found out my husband had a biological son.

Just then my phone lit up.

It was Lloyd.

He'd sent me a picture of Alvin asleep.

And below it, one line.

Don't let your mind run wild. Once Alvin's discharged, the three of us will have a good life together.

I looked down and touched my flat stomach.

For the first time, those four words a family of three felt so bitterly ironic.

The next morning, first thing, I went to a hospital in the South End.

The results showed I was nine weeks pregnant.

The doctor looked at my chart, her brow furrowed.

"You've had a myomectomy before, and this is a late first pregnancy, so you need to be extra careful with this one."

"Any light bleeding recently?"

I nodded.

"A little, a couple of days ago."

She handed the chart back to me.

"In your case, the moment the bleeding gets heavier, come to the hospital right away. Don't wait."

I clutched the paper tight.

"Is the baby all right now?"

The doctor smiled.

"Based on the chart, there's nothing wrong at the moment."

In that instant, my nose stung sharply.

It wasn't that I'd never thought about having a child all these years.

It was just that every time I brought it up, Lloyd had a reason.

When Alvin first came to live with us, he said the boy felt insecure. "How would he feel if we had one of our own right now?"

I waited two years.

When Alvin started elementary school, he said, who's going to pick him up and drop him off if you're pregnant?

Later I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids.

But Lloyd held me and said,

"It's okay. I don't care whether you can have children, as long as you're healthy."

Back then I was so moved I couldn't sleep all night.

I felt I couldn't possibly deserve to have married such a wonderful man.

Only now do I understandof course he didn't care, because he'd had a son all along.

At noon, I carried a thermos into the ward.

The moment I pushed the door open, I saw Bella sitting at the edge of the bed.

Over the years she'd occasionally sent gifts at New Year's, or given Alvin some money on his birthday.

Lloyd's mother had always kept her from getting too close to the boy.

She said she was afraid Bella might get some sudden whim and take the child away.

I'd even helped guard against her for my mother-in-law.

Looking back now, it's laughable.

I set the thermos down.

"What are you doing here?"

She reached out and stroked the boy's hair.

"I heard Alvin had surgery, so I came to see him."

When Alvin saw me, he sat up right away.

"Mom, I'm hungry."

Bella's hand froze in midair, a trace of disappointment in her eyes.

I said nothing, just lowered my head to ladle out soup for Alvin.

Lloyd rushed back from the company soon after.

The moment he came in and saw Bella, his face darkened.

"Who told you to come?"

Bella stood up.

"My son is having surgery. Can't I come?"

Lloyd yanked the door open.

"Let's talk outside."

Bella followed him out.

I set down the spoon, waited a few seconds, then walked out of the ward too.

From the stairwell, Bella's voice carried out.

"It's been ten years, Lloyd."

"Back then I listened to your mother and didn't take him. Later you said Cynthia was taking good care of him, so I put up with it."

"Now my child is having surgery, and I can't even come see him?"

Lloyd's voice was cold.

"You were the one who didn't want him back then."

Bella let out a laugh, as if pushed past anger.

"Yes, I was scared back then."

"I had no job, no house, and I'd had a child with a married man."

"Your mother gave me money to leave, said that if the child stayed with the Matthews family, at least he'd live a normal life."

"But Lloyd, what gives you the right to pin all the blame on me?"

"When you slept with me, did you ever think about what would happen to this child once he was born?"

There was a buzzing in my ears.

So it wasn't some recklessness before the marriageit was after.

Bella spoke again.

"Your mother used James as a shield for ten years. Aren't you afraid it'll catch up with you one day?"

Lloyd's voice dropped sharply.

"Enough. Don't ever bring this up again."

"Cynthia treats Alvin like her own son. Do you really have to destroy this family?"

Bella was silent for a few seconds.

"Then what am I?"

Lloyd sighed, then said,

"You'll get what's owed you. I won't give you any less."

I turned and went back into the ward.

Alvin was hugging the thermos, drinking his soup.

He looked up.

"Mom, it's good."

I took a tissue and wiped his mouth clean.

The gesture was no different from the past seven years.

The only difference was that my fingers wouldn't stop trembling.

That afternoon, Lloyd saw Bella off.

When he came back, he sat down naturally beside me.

"She didn't say anything, did she?"

I looked at him.

"Afraid she'd tell me something?"

Lloyd froze for half a second, then smiled.

"No, I'm just afraid she might suddenly try to take Alvin away."

He reached out and took my hand.

"Cynthia, I know you've put up with a lot for Alvin over the years."

"Once he's discharged, I'll make it up to you."

I lifted my head and looked at him.

"What if what I want is a child of my own?"

Lloyd stared at me for a good several seconds.

"Why are you suddenly bringing this up?"

My voice was very soft.

"Suddenly? I've been bringing it up for seven years."

He frowned.

"Alvin just had his surgery. Don't say things like this in front of the child."

Still Alvin. Always Alvin.

That night, on the way home, I fell asleep in the car.

When I woke up, Lloyd's coat was draped over me.

That's just how he is. He remembers what I like, knows I'm afraid of the light when I sleep.

That's exactly why it took me so long to understand.

How can a person love you and at the same time cheat you out of everything with ten years of lies?

When we got home, I had barely changed my shoes when my mother-in-law came out of the bedroom.

She was holding my pregnancy test bag.

"You're pregnant?"

I didn't answer. Lloyd snatched the report from her.

When he saw the gestational age on it, he froze.

I watched his face, waiting for his reaction.

Happy, excitedeven just a hug would have been enough.

But his first words were:

"Why does it have to be right now?"

It felt like someone had slammed a fist into my chest.

My mother-in-law jumped in at once.

"Alvin's sensitive to begin with. If you suddenly have your own child, how is he supposed to feel?"

I looked at them.

"Then when is a good time?"

"Wait another seven years? Or wait until Alvin gets married?"

Lloyd's face darkened.

"Cynthia, don't be snide. It's not that I don't want this baby."

I stared at him.

"Then why weren't you happy just now?"

"Lloyd, I'm thirty-six years old."

"This is the child I've longed for for seven years."

My mother-in-law frowned and cut me off.

"Who's saying you can't have it?"

"But a person has to have a conscience. Alvin has called you 'Mom' for seven years. Now that you've got one in your belly, you're going to shove him aside?"

I was so angry my fingertips went numb.

"When did I ever say I didn't want Alvin?"

My mother-in-law's voice rose too.

"Then who's that face for?"

"What difference does it make, biological or not!"

I looked at her.

"Is there really no difference?"

I took the DNA paternity test out of my bag and set it on the coffee table.

"Lloyd, how much longer are you going to keep up the act? Whose son is Alvin, really?"

For the first time, I lost control and shouted.

A dull pain shot through my abdomen right away, and I instinctively pressed a hand to my belly.

Lloyd took a step toward me. I jerked back.

"Don't touch me!"

My mother-in-law suddenly dropped to her knees, exactly like seven years ago.

"Cynthia, honey, Mom is the one who wronged you."

"Back then Lloyd messed up, and Bella got pregnant. What was I supposed to do?"

"James had just had his accident, so I thought I'd bring the child home first and figure it out later."

My temples were pounding.

"So you told everyone he was James's posthumous child?"

My mother-in-law cried harder.

"I was afraid you wouldn't be willing to raise him!"

"Bella didn't want to take care of him back then, and Alvin was only three."

"You're kind-hearted, and you love children..."

I looked down at her, and for the first time I felt that a person could be this repulsive.

"So you picked me."

Lloyd finally spoke.

"Cynthia, it's not what you think..."

I looked at him.

"Then what is it?"

"You cheated during our marriage and had a son."

"Your mother dragged your dead brother out to claim him as the father."

"Every single time I wanted a child, you told me to wait a little longer."

"If that isn't picking me, then what is it?"

His lips moved, but no words came out.

Suddenly my abdomen clenched, and something warm gushed out inside my pants.

A small bloodstain spread across the light-colored lounge pants.

Lloyd's face went white.

"Cynthia!"

I braced myself against the corner of the table.

"Take me to the hospital."

On the way there, Lloyd said hoarsely,

"I'll take responsibility for the child."

I looked out the car window.

"No need. You already have a son."

"This one is mine."

After the whole family found out I was pregnant, the house went very quiet.

It stayed that way until the afternoon of the fourth day.

Then Lloyd's mother shoved the bedroom door open in a panic.

"Alvin is gone!"

I sat up sharply.

"What did you say?"

She was so frantic she kept stamping her feet.

"At noon I told Lloyd that once this baby in your belly is born, Alvin will end up an outsider sooner or later, so he should figure out a way to reassure the boy soon."

My head snapped toward her.

"You said that in front of Alvin?"

Her face went white with panic.

"How was I supposed to know he was hiding behind the door!"

"And what did I say that was wrong? Once your own child is born, can you really value Alvin the way you used to?"

"I just wanted Lloyd to pay a little more attention to him."

Out in the living room, Lloyd was already heading for the door.

I threw off the covers.

"I'm going with you."

He pressed a hand on my shoulder.

"No, you stay home."

"I'll call Bella. She might know where Alvin is."

And with that, Lloyd and his mother rushed out.

Once the door shut, the whole house fell silent.

At six that evening, the abdominal pain started.

At first it was just faint, but then it came in waves, each one worse than the last.

When I went to the bathroom, I saw the blood on my underwear.

More than last time.

I called Lloyd right away.

It was chaos on the other end.

I could hear his mother crying, and Bella's voice too.

"Alvin's locked the door from the inside. He won't see anyone!"

Lloyd asked urgently,

"What's wrong?"

I gripped the phone tight.

"I'm bleeding again. Come back and take me to the hospital."

Bella suddenly cried out.

"Lloyd! Alvin's smashing things!"

Lloyd's words came faster now.

"Cynthia, call a car yourself first. The hospital isn't far from home."

"Alvin is really unstable right now!"

"I'll come find you at the hospital the second I'm done here."

My voice was already shaking.

"Lloyd, the doctor said bleeding can't be put off."

He was silent for two seconds, then lowered his voice.

"Cynthia, I know you feel wronged."

"But the reason Alvin ran off today is because you're pregnant."

"Can you please not force me to choose right now?"

The call ended.

I stood there in the bathroom.

So he still thought I was forcing him to make a choice.

My vision went black, and my whole body collapsed onto the bathroom floor.

I tried to get up, but my legs were too weak, and I couldn't manage it.

In the end all I could do was call for an ambulance.

When the ambulance arrived, the nurse cut away my blood-soaked pants.

His expression changed at once.

"Where's the family?"

I opened my mouth.

"I can't reach him."

The whole way there, my mind grew more and more hazy.

Someone kept patting my face.

"Cynthia, don't sleep! Look at me!"

When we reached the hospital, the world turned into a blinding white.

I caught a few sounds here and there.

"Get an operating room ready right away."

"Have you reached the family yet?"

"The placental tissue hasn't fully detached, the bleeding won't stop..."

Right before I lost consciousness completely,

I had only one last thought.

Baby, I'm sorry. Mommy couldn't keep you.

The surgery took more than three hours.

By the time Lloyd got to the hospital, it was almost dawn.

"Where's Cynthia? Where's my wife?"

The doctor on duty looked up.

"Are you Cynthia's husband?"

Lloyd nodded again and again.

"I am."

The doctor stared at him, his face grim.

"We called you twenty-seven times."

Lloyd yanked out his phone.

The screen was full of missed calls from the hospital.

The doctor glanced at him.

"We couldn't save the baby."

He swayed on his feet, his voice shaking badly.

"That's... that's okay."

"As long as she's all right, we can still"

The doctor cut him off.

"There won't be a later."

Lloyd froze.

"What do you mean?"

The doctor's voice fell again.

"The miscarriage was complicated by massive hemorrhaging. Her clotting function deteriorated fast, and several methods to stop the bleeding all failed."

"To save her life, we had no choice but to remove her uterus."

"Mr. Matthews, your wife will never be able to get pregnant again."

Lloyd stood there, completely motionless.