Since childhood, Ive been a stubborn literalist who doesnt understand jokes.
When my grandmother said I was found in a dumpster, I taped Missing Mother flyers on every trash can for a week.
When a boy remarked my wide hips were good for bearing sons, I went to his house and measured his mothers hips for comparison.
People soon learned not to joke around memy presence made rooms polite and terrified.
Then came my engagement, and my fiancs "just one of the guys" best friend.
At a pre-wedding party, during Truth or Dare, she smirked:
"Sloane, Julian has a mole on his inner thighits pretty when hes... exerting himself."
The room froze, then erupted in laughter.
I set down my glass, looked at my smirking fianc, and said calmly:
"Take off your pants. I need to verify that."

1
The laughter in the VIP suite died instantly.
Kelly looked at me, stunned by my directness. She let out an awkward, high-pitched laugh.
"Sloane, oh my god, you aren't actually mad, are you?"
"We're just playing a game! I just dropped a little bombshell to spice up the mood. You don't have to be so serious. You're making Julian look bad."
I slammed my phone onto the marble table.
I hit play. The two sentences she had just spoken began to loop on high volume.
I grinned at her, watching the blood drain from her face.
"Sorry," I said, my voice flat. "But I don't do comedy."
"I'm going to strip Julian right now. If I find that mole exactly where you described it, thats proof of infidelity before marriage. I will post the photos to both the Lister and Vance family group chats. On repeat."
The groomsmen gasped in unison.
Julians face turned a violent shade of red.
He struggled to break free from my gripI had grabbed his beltand snatched a jacket from one of his friends to cover his crotch.
He looked at me like he wanted to strangle me.
"Sloane! Have you lost your mind?"
"Kelly and I grew up together! We bathed together as toddlers! There isn't an inch of me she hasn't seen!"
"Are you really going to ruin everything over a harmless joke?"
Ah, the classic defense.
As if the word "joke" was a Get Out of Jail Free card. As if saying it meant I had to swallow any disrespect they served me.
Unfortunately, they didn't know me well enough.
I unlocked my phone and opened a video call recording from yesterday. It was from Kelly.
In the video, the "tomboy" girl wasn't acting like a bro. She was wearing translucent, seductive lingerie, panning the camera to show a sleeping man next to her.
You could only see the man's side profile, but the implication was clear. Her eyes in the video were full of provocation.
"Sloane, I heard you're engaging to the Vance family."
"Too bad you'll never match my place in Julian's heart. Bet you anything that on your wedding night, he'll be wishing he was with me."
I AirDropped the video to everyone in the room.
"Enjoy the details," I said.
"Is this a joke too? If it were you, could you accept your partner having a 'best friend' who sends videos like this to his fiance?"
The men I pointed at looked away, suddenly finding the floor patterns fascinating. They didn't dare breathe.
I pointed a manicured finger at Kelly.
"You. Speak."
"If your boyfriend had a 'brother' like this, would you tolerate it?"