The Security You Never Gave Me

I have extreme insecurity. Ever since we started dating, I've shared my live location with Leopold James every single day.

I need his reply the moment it's sent. Without it, the anxiety takes over.

And he always replied. Twenty-four hours a day, without fail.

Rest easy, babe. Hubby sees you.

Waiting for you. Safe travels.

That sense of security was what finally made me stop fearing marriage. I put on the million-dollar wedding gown I'd designed myself, and I married him.

On our wedding night, at three in the morning, I picked up my phone to check the time. My finger slipped, and I accidentally sent him my location.

A second later, his reply came through.

Stay safe, hubby's watching. Come home soon.

He was lying right next to me. Asleep on my pillow. We'd just been tangled up in each other.

I held my breath. Slowly, carefully, I pressed his finger to his phone to unlock it.

The first thing I saw was a string of messages from a female colleague.

Once is enough, don't wear yourself out. Come find me during the day. Same place as always.

You promised you'd take me on the honeymoon with you. I already put in for time off.

I'll help you set up your auto-replies again tomorrow.

My heart slammed against my ribs. I pressed my hand to my chest.

Every shred of security I'd ever felt collapsed to zero, and the anxiety flooded in

I gasped, loud and ragged, fighting for air.

I stumbled toward the cabinet, nearly falling twice on the way.

I wrenched the drawer open, fumbled out the pills, and dry-swallowed three of them.

Sleep dragged me under fast. I collapsed onto the bed and was gone.

When the cold woke me, it was already past ten.

I was lying on the carpet. No blanket. No covers.

Leopold was gone.

I opened his closet. The custom suit he'd ordered a week ago was missing.

My hands shook as I dialed his number.

Carolyn Swanson, when I woke up this morning you were sleeping so soundly I didn't want to disturb you.

Aren't you supposed to be leaving for your business trip today?

He kept his voice low, deliberately calm, but the faint breathlessness underneath didn't escape me.

I opened my mouth. My voice came out raw.

Yeah. I'm heading out soon.

A few seconds of silence on the other end. Then rustling, faint and unmistakable.

This was only the second day of our marriage, and the mask had already slipped.

Good. Send me your location when you leave. I'll reply right away.

Gotta go. Busy with work.

The line went dead.

I stood frozen. The phone slid from my limp hand and hit the floor.

Why?

I curled into the corner of the wall, searching for some scrap of safety, but my body wouldn't stop shaking.

When the medication wore off, my limbs went rigid. I could barely grip the phone.

Three minutes later, I managed to clamp it between both hands and dialed 911.

Without that sense of security, my anxiety disorder goes critical. My body locks up.

I needed to get to a hospital for electroshock treatment. Now.

In the last moment before the procedure, tears running down my face, I sent Leopold my hospital location.

His reply came instantly. Hey beautiful wife, day two of being married to you. Missing you already.

Different from the old auto-replies.

She must have programmed new ones for him.

I clenched my jaw and, for the first time ever, sent him a voice message.

Leopold, I'm at the hospital. I'm not on a business trip.

Still, the instant reply. Baby, hubby's waiting for you. Love you! Come home soon.

Before, I'd only ever sent him my location.

For anything else, I'd video call or just phone him directly.

I never imagined the auto-replies were set to answer everything, not just location shares.

With trembling fingers, I typed another message.

Leopold, I'm sick. I'm alone at the hospital. No one is with me.

The auto-reply came back instantly, same as always.

Baby, I'll always make you feel safe. Be careful on the road.

In that moment, my disappointment in Leopold bottomed out into something absolute.

My limbs locked up, rigid and beyond my control.

My heart kept stalling, then racing, stalling, then racing.

The doctor put me straight on electroshock, the fastest option they had.

Voltage tore through my body. I convulsed, gagging, fighting the urge to vomit.

What nobody knew was that the window across from this treatment room faced the Four Seasons. The same hotel his colleague had shared her location from.

They were probably in there right now, tangled up in each other.

The agony of the shocks sent memories flashing through my skull.

A year ago, Leopold and I met in an online game.

We clicked instantly, and before long we wanted to meet in person.

On the way to see him, I was grabbed by strangers and locked in a pitch-black room for an entire day and night.

Cold and terror ate through every nerve I had.

By the time I got out, I was hollowed. My sense of safety was gone, completely gone.

I kept seeing that dark, damp room. The nightmares came every night.

It was a shadow I could never shake.

Leopold didn't know what had happened to me. He messaged me online, frustrated.

First time meeting up and you stood me up?

I waited for you all afternoon.

Seeing how hurt he looked, I told him everything about the abduction.

I tried to keep it light, almost joking. I said that on my way to see him, disaster had found me instead. That I'd lost all sense of security, that nightmares plagued me every night, that I was on anti-anxiety medication now.

After hearing all of that, Leopold vanished.

I called him, texted him, tried reaching him through the game.

He was gone. Like he'd dissolved off the face of the earth. I couldn't sit still, couldn't think straight, my heart hammering so hard it hurt. I curled into myself and hid in the safest corner I could find.

Three days. No food, no water, no sleep. My condition spiraled.

On the third day, Leopold stumbled back to me.

It was the first time we'd met in person. He smelled like blood.

His arms, his back, his thighs. All wounded.

Some of the gashes had split open to the bone.

I grabbed his arms, crying.What happened?

How are you hurt this badly?

He was young, over six feet tall, with a presence that photographs hadn't captured. He was even better-looking than he'd been on our video calls.

Battered like that, he had a ruined beauty to him. I fell for him almost on sight.

Leopold smiled and rested his chin on my shoulder.

His warm breath brushed across my cheek.

It's nothing. I tracked down the people who took you and beat the hell out of them. Payback.

My heart raced, but not the way it did during an episode. This was something else entirely.

A pull so fierce it wrecked me. I fell in love with him right there, beyond saving.

I threw my arms around him, choking on my own voice.

Thank you. Thank you.

After the kidnapping, I'd tried everything. Nothing worked. The people who did it apologized and walked away free.

I never expected that Leopold, someone I'd only ever known online, would be the one to fight for me.

He brushed his thumb across my eyelids, wiping the tears away, half-laughing, half-exasperated.Silly girl. What are you thanking me for?

You said you don't feel safe. From now on, I'll be your safety.

Just stay with me. Whenever you need me, I'll be there.

In that moment, I felt more secure than I ever had in my life. A fullness I'd never known.

It never crossed my mind that the whole time he was with me, he'd been involved with his colleague.

Pledging loyalty to me with one breath, wrapped around her with the next.

Those fragments of memory cut deeper than anything the electricity had done to my body.

By the time I opened my eyes again, it was evening.

My phone rang. I lifted my hand, weak, and tapped to answer.

Hey, babe. Are you away on a business trip?

As it happens, I'm working overtime tonight. Enjoy your trip.

If he'd paid even the slightest attention, he would have heard me struggling to breathe, the low groan I couldn't hold back. My whole body was in agony.

But he didn't hear. He hung up.

I lay there for ten minutes before I could gather the strength to call him back.

The phone rang and rang. It nearly went to voicemail before he finally picked up.

His voice came through still carrying the tail end of a laugh, bright and buoyant, and it seeped into my ears and settled like lead in every bone.

Babe, what's up?

I couldn't stop the ragged coughing that tore out of me. For a long moment I couldn't form a single word.

Leopold waited a beat, then saidIf your throat's bothering you, drink some warm honey water.

Babe, I gotta go. Bye.

The line went dead. He knew I needed reassurance. He knew that about me.

He'd seen me gasping like this before. How could he hang up that fast?

What was I still hoping for?

The phone cooled in my palm. I stared at the screen for ten minutes, and when it finally went dark, my reflection stared back. That was when I realized I'd been crying.

I pushed the blanket aside and swung my legs off the bed. My bare feet hit the cold floor, and I didn't feel it.

One step at a time, I climbed from the fifth floor to the eighth, and stepped out onto the rooftop.

The Four Seasons stood directly across the street.

The hotel blazed with light. One balcony in particular caught my eye, strobing with camera flashes.

Several people crowded the balcony. A tall man stood with his back to me, his arms wrapped around a woman with a model's figure.

The crowd around them chantedKiss her! Kiss her!

Across the rushing traffic below, their voices drifted to me, faint but unmistakable.

A moment later, speakers crackled to lifeHappy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.

Leopold set the woman down and placed a glittering birthday crown on her head himself.

They leaned into each other on that decorated balcony, celebrating, laughing, radiant.

I stood barefoot on the hospital roof, swallowed in darkness, listening to the night they'd never forget.

When the two of them pressed together in a kiss that lingered, I lifted my phone and snapped a photo.

I sent it to Leopold. The auto-reply pinged back instantlyHey babe, stay safe out there.

Absurd. Those cheerful little words warped in front of my eyes, twisting into something grotesque.

I took one long breath and posted the photo on Instagram.

Carolyn, who's that kissing??

The guy's back looks like Leopold? But he's so crazy about you, no way it's him.

Within minutes, someone messaged me privately.

Is that really your husband? He went through all that danger for you back then. Did you cheat on him? Is this his way of getting even?

Their speculation, their wild theories, barely registered.

In that moment I was numb in a way I had never been before. The anxiety, the desperate need for safety, all of it dissolved and sank into my limbs like ice water until I couldn't feel anything at all.

I gripped my phone and stared in silence at the balcony across the street.

Ten minutes passed. Leopold's name lit up my screen.

I didn't answer.

Ten calls in a row.

Another ten minutes crawled by before a message finally came through.

He must have seen the photo I took. And the replies underneath.

A voice message. His words shook.

Babe, where are you?

Why would you send me a photo like that?

That's not me in the picture.

Afraid of being caught, he did exactly what I expected. Deny everything. As long as he insisted it wasn't him, he could walk away clean.

How could it not be him?

I replied, numbOkay. Got it.

Then come home soon. I'll have something ready for you to eat. This time, he didn't hang up so fast.

I was quiet for a moment.Okay. I'll be back soon.

After hanging up, I went back to my hospital room, tidied myself up, and put on a full face of makeup.

Then I got dressed, slipped on my shoes, and walked to the suite at the hotel across the street.

When I knocked, I wasn't nervous. I wasn't anything. Just numb.

Knock, knock, knock. A few raps, and the door opened.

Carolyn?

The woman standing in the doorway was Vivien Tanner.

I'd met her before, at one of their office gatherings. Tall, striking, the kind of woman who owned every room she walked into.

The moment our eyes met, her expression shifted from delight to unmistakable shock.

I smiled, my voice gentle.Ms. Tanner, were you expecting a surprise birthday gift that was about to arrive?

Vivien forced an awkward laugh.No, no. You've got the wrong idea, sis.

"Sis." She said it so easily.

I pulled out my phone and read a few of the auto-replies out loud, right in front of her.

Babe, stay safe. Waiting for you to come home.

Babe, enjoy your business trip. Love, your husband.

Babe, I miss you. Can't wait to see you.

The color drained from Vivien's face. She stood frozen in front of me.

I lowered my phone and looked at the woman who was almost exactly my height.

A quiet laugh left me.May I come in?

Vivien didn't step aside. She braced herself in the doorway and blocked me.

Today is my birthday. You can't come in. This has nothing to do with you.

I kept my tone light, almost playful.Funny, because I think I can hear my husband's voice in there.

Vivien snapped.You're making things up. He's not here.

I wasn't leaving without seeing Leopold with my own eyes.

I tried to slip past her. Vivien shoved me hard.

My body had just been through electroshock therapy and couldn't take the force. I slammed into the doorframe, pain tearing through every nerve, and my face twisted before I could stop it.

When I looked up again, Leopold was already standing in front of Vivien, shielding her, glaring at me.

Carolyn, if you have a problem, take it up with me.

Going after her is low. I'll own what I did.

A moment ago he wouldn't even admit he was here. Now, suddenly, he was brave.

No panic, no shame. He stood there looking every bit the honorable man.

I swallowed the weakness in my body and kept my voice polite.Can I come in and sit down for a minute? I won't take up too much of your time.

Vivien lowered her head, embarrassed.

Leopold said nothing for a beat, then stepped aside to let me in.

The other guests on the balcony were silent. The whole room was dead quiet.

I found a comfortable spot and sat down, polite and completely out of place among them.

Please, everyone, carry on. Someone's having a birthday, after all.

Don't let my being here ruin anything.

I meant every word. Not a trace of sarcasm.

I'd said it plainly enough. So why did Leopold look so unhappy?

He sat across from me, brow furrowed, his complexion off, his voice cold.

Carolyn, cut the passive-aggressive act.

If you hadn't guilt-tripped me back then, I never would have dated you, let alone married you.

You told me that what happened when we first met gave you anxiety, destroyed your sense of security. Do you have any idea how much pressure that put on me?

I nodded and picked up right where he left off, without hesitation.

So the woman you've loved this whole time has been your colleague, Vivien Tanner?

I didn't want them thinking I'd come here just to start a fight.

My eyes were sincere, my voice soft and steady. Not a single crack.

After all, I'd already broken down once, during the electroshock.

No betrayal could ever hurt worse than what my own body had already put me through.

Leopold stood frozen for a long moment. He didn't answer me directly. Vivien flashed a toothy smile.

Stop joking around. It's my birthday.

Birthdays meant gifts, and I'd already prepared mine. I opened the delivery app and checked the courier's location.

He was already at the hotel entrance.

I have a gift you'll both love. It just arrived.

I stood and opened the suite door. Their surprise had come