The Last Time I Knelt for You

I'd broken up with Felicia Sullivan six times, and every single time it came down to Amos Fox.

To keep that bankrupt little heir in spending money, she'd slip off behind my back to run illegal street races, trading her life for cash.

Every time I hardened my heart and ended it, she'd drop to her knees in front of me, eyes rimmed red, swearing it was the last time.

And every time I looked at the cuts and bruises covering her, I gave in again.

Today was the day we'd agreed to bring our families together and finally settle on a wedding date.

I sat in the private room under the weight of my relatives' stares, waiting from noon until the windows went dark, and Felicia never came.

At ten that night, the call I got wasn't from her. It was Sienna, from her racing crew.

"Felicia took the mountain circuit, the car flipped, they just wheeled her into the ER, you need to"

I cut her off.

"For Amos again, right?"

Sienna stumbled over her words.

"Amos had his eye on this limited-edition watch"

The line was chaos behind her, and underneath it all I could just make out Amos crying, calling Felicia's name.

All at once I was so tired.

This endless tug-of-war with no line she wouldn't cross, this breaking up and getting back together, it was like a slow killing with no end in sight.

I closed my eyes and spoke into the phone, calm.

"I'm not coming."

"Tell her we're done. For good."

...

My mother watched me and let out a heavy sigh.

"Good that it's over."

"Our family can take the embarrassment. Better that than you spending the rest of your life holding your breath, waiting for the next call."

I held back the tears and nodded.

"Mom, you and Dad go on home. Don't worry about me."

"I've got some loose ends to take care of."

After I saw them off, I sat alone in the emptied-out room.

My phone lit up. A video from Amos, ten-odd seconds long.

In it, Felicia lay in a hospital bed, a thick wad of gauze wrapped around her forehead, her face drained white. She looked wrecked, barely holding together.

She forced the corner of her mouth up and reached past the camera to wipe someone's tears.

"What are you crying for?"

"When have I ever broken a promise to get you something?"

The video cut off right there.

A text from Amos came right behind it:

Felicia's already awake, and she won me the watch, too. Sam, don't be mad at her, and don't worry, okay?

I didn't answer. I just locked the screen.

Half an hour later I was back at the apartment Felicia and I rented together.

I dragged the suitcase out from under the bed and started packing.

When I pulled open the bottom drawer of the closet, my hand stopped.

A cheap racing trophy was shoved in there. The first one she'd ever won running an illegal race.

Looking at it, I drifted for a second.

I thought back two years.

The first time she'd gone behind my back to race that guardrail-less mountain road, and I found out, I'd fallen apart and asked to break up.

It rained hard that night.

Felicia dragged her battered body to my rented place and planted herself outside the door. Nothing I said would make her leave.

I told her, cold-faced, that I'd never forgive her. She panicked, her eyes went red, and then she just crumpled at my feet, out cold.

Back then I'd shaken all over, terrified, holding her limp body and crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath.

I thought I really was about to lose her.

That fear, of losing the one person I loved most, broke me completely. I surrendered.

And then there was a second time, a third time...

"Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz"

The buzz of my phone yanked me out of it.

It was Felicia.

"Sam, that scared you, didn't it? I'm fine, just cracked a rib, a few scrapes."

"Sienna makes such a big deal out of everything. The doctor says I can come home once the tests are back."

"We didn't make it today. Your folks must be pretty upset, huh?"

I let out a flat sound of agreement.

When I didn't blow up the way I always had before, she let out a breath of relief.

"Actually, there's something I want to run by you."

"This wedding of ours. Could we push it back a couple of years?"

She paused, like she was choosing her words.

"Amos was just telling me in the hospital room. All his rich friends bought new sports cars lately, and he wants one too."

"So I went ahead and transferred him the money we had saved up for the down payment."

When I said nothing, her voice slid into a coaxing tone.

"You know his family was good to me. And I've always treated him like my own little brother."

"They've gone bankrupt. If there's any way I can help him, of course I'm going to..."

On she went, spinning out her loyalty and devotion into the phone.

The old me would already have been shouting myself hoarse.

Then where did that leave me?

My years. My pride. All of it worth nothing.

But now I didn't even have it in me to argue.

I said it quietly.

"Do whatever you want."

On the other end, Felicia couldn't hide her delight.

"Sam, I knew you were the best."

"You were so quiet before, I thought you were going to start in about breaking up again. You scared me half to death."

I smiled a little.

"No. I won't ever do that again."

Her voice turned suddenly earnest.

"Sam, believe me. This is the last time I'll ever go to an underground race."

"I'll never let you suffer again. The wedding's delayed, sure, but I swear, when the time comes, we'll throw the most spectacular wedding this whole city has ever seen..."

I listened in silence.

She'd said all of this so many times over these five years.

The first time I heard it, I cried.

Now my heart was a dry well, and not even an echo stirred at the bottom of it.

Right as she was swearing up her grand future, I heard the hospital room door swing open on the other end.

Then Amos's voice, bright with excitement.

"Felicia! Sienna just drove my new car over for me! It's right downstairs, it looks incredible!"

"Come on, come down and take a look with me, please?"

Her tender confession to me died mid-sentence, and her voice flipped straight into doting.

"You little terror, I just got stitched up... fine, fine, let me grab a jacket and I'll come down with you. Quit tugging."

I didn't listen to the rest. I hung up.

The truth was, it hadn't always been like this between Felicia and me.

When we first got together, Amos didn't exist in my world at all.

Then, two years ago, the Fox family went bankrupt, and Amos, who'd been living abroad, was forced to come home.

That was when I learned Felicia was an orphan, raised on the Fox family's money.

In her heart, Amos wasn't an ordinary younger brother. He was the benefactor she had to repay with her life.

That kind of debt was a mountain you couldn't climb over. It had doomed us from the start.

I took a deep breath, picked up my phone, and called my old university mentor.

"Professor Lambert, that posting you mentioned to me before. The one stationed at the Iceland polar research station. Is it still open?"

His voice came back serious.

"It's still open."

"But I have to say it again. The clearance level is high. Once you're in, you can't come home for at least three years. You sure you want it?"

I said it without hesitation.

"I'm in."

My mentor paused for a couple of seconds, then sighed.

"You were dead set against going. Did you break up with your girlfriend?"

I made a small sound of assent, my eyes stinging.

"We broke up."

I'd barely wheeled my suitcase out of the building when high beams swept across me.

A brand-new red sports car sat at the curb.

The window slid down. Amos's eyes traveled over my suitcase, and one brow went up as he smiled.

"What's this, running away from home in the middle of the night?"

I gave a thin smile.

"If I don't leave, how am I supposed to make room for you?"

Amos pushed the door open and got out.

"Don't talk like I came between the two of you. It's pathetic."

"Felicia hands me her money because she wants to. What am I supposed to do about that?"

He paused, deliberately.

"You know what? You're actually kind of pitiful."

"Felicia got drunk once and let it slipif I hadn't been the untouchable Fox heir and she hadn't been some stray the Foxes took in, if the gap between us hadn't scared her off, she'd never have gone looking for second-best. She'd never have settled for you."

"So don't go thinking of yourself as the real thing here."

"If I'd actually wanted to take you on, you'd never have been in the picture at all."

The night wind cut through me, and I felt the cold of it.

Hearing all this, I didn't feel a thing.

I only thought how absurd these five years had been.

I let out a faint laugh.

"Then I wish the two of you a long and happy life. Locked together forever."

My calm threw himlike swinging hard and hitting nothing, the punch just giving way under his fist.

When he saw me turn to go, he grabbed the strap of my suitcase.

"Wait. Who said you could leave?"

"You walk off, and Felicia's still lying in a hospital bed. I don't do nursing duty. You go take care of her."

I looked at the hand gripping my case.

"Let go."

Instead of letting go, Amos pulled out his phone and video-called Felicia on the spot.

"Felicia... did I get Sam all worked up again?"

"I just wanted to show him the new car, but he grabbed his suitcase and insisted on leaving. He won't even go see you at the hospital. I tried to stop him, I couldn't..."

On the screen, Felicia had gauze wound around her head, her face drained of color.

After she heard Amos, she didn't ask why I was out on the street with a suitcase in the dead of night. She didn't ask if I was cold.

She frowned, her voice worn thin.

"Sam, what are you sulking about now? We worked everything out on the phone just now."

"Don't give Amos a hard time. Just get to the hospital."

I stood there in the night wind and almost turned on my heel, until I remembered what my mentor had told me.

"The security clearance for the Iceland polar project is strict. First thing tomorrow, you have to bring your original passport and ID to the department office to start the paperwork."

And my passport, all my important documents, were with Felicia.

Because today was supposed to be the day we met each other's families and signed the marriage license.

My document folder had gone into her bag last night, packed in with everything else.

That bag was sitting on the nightstand in the emergency ward where she lay.

I looked at Felicia on the screen.

"Fine."

"I'm coming to the hospital."

Half an hour later I reached the third floor of the inpatient wing.

I was about to push the door open when I heard Sienna's voice from inside.

"You really crossed a line this time, Felicia."

"That was your down payment, yours and Amos's, for the wedding. And you blew the whole thing on a sports car for Amos?"

"You stood up Amos's parents today too. Aren't you scared Sam's heart finally goes cold this timethat he really walks for good?"

All these five years, we've all seen how good Amos has been to you.

My hand stopped midair.

Through the gap in the door, Felicia went quiet for two seconds. Then her voice came, certain of itself.

I'm not breaking up with him.

Five years. All those years together. You don't just cut that off.

You know Samuel. He's too soft-hearted. Every fight we have, all I do is apologize and he comes around on his own.

Give it a couple days. Once I'm out of here I'll buy him something nice, smooth him over, and the whole thing blows over.

Sienna sighed.

But Felicia, don't you give too much of yourself to Amos?

What man can stand his own wife throwing herself at another man with no limits? What are you even thinking?

Felicia's tone went hard all at once.

That's two completely different things.

Amos's family is bankrupt now. He's got nothing left.

I said I'd take care of him for life, so there's no way I walk away from him. I owe him this. I have to pay it back.

She paused, and her voice softened a little.

Samuel's reasonable. He understands things. Once we're married I'll be twice as good to him. Worst case, I'll make it up to him somewhere else down the line.

But Amos, I can't ever let go of him. Not in this lifetime. Samuel will get used to it eventually.

That was when Amos's spoiled voice cut in behind me.

Hey! What are you standing in the doorway for?

The talking inside the room stopped dead.

On the bed, Felicia's head snapped up.

The second she saw me out in the hall, panic flooded her face.

Sam, when did you get here? Let me expl

I cut her off.

Don't bother.

Felicia, I've heard all of this so many times I'm sick of it.

The color drained from her face.

Sam, stop, okay? That with Sienna just now, it was just talk, one thing leading to another.

And I already told you, this is the last time. From now on I swear I'll

I gave a faint twist of my mouth.

The last time?

How many last times have you told me?

It was all just tests. Wearing me down, one after another, until I'd swallow this sick little arrangement between you two. Right?

Her face shifted. Her lips moved, but nothing came out to argue back.

My eyes started to sting.

Felicia, every time you go run one of those illegal races up the mountain with no guardrails, I don't dare close my eyes the whole night!

I sit there with my phone, terrified I'll get the call from the hospital. Terrified one day it's you and the car going off the cliff, and you die in there!

But did you ever think about me? Even once. Did you ever think I was home waiting for you?

Felicia's voice shot up, frantic.

Nothing's going to happen to me!

I know what I'm doing, I'm a good driver, I walk away clean every time. See? I'm fine.

I let out a very soft laugh.

Fine?

Then let me ask you, Felicia.

Even if we got married, even if we had kids someday, the moment Amos says a word, the moment he wants something, you'd still hide it from me and go to a place like that and risk your life to make money for him. Wouldn't you?

Felicia said nothing. She dropped her head, not daring to look at me.

I pulled my gaze away.

Give me that black bag by your bed.

She blinked.

What do you want the bag for? Sam, what are you doing?

Give it to me.

Sienna took one look at me, turned, and pulled the bag out, pressing it into my hands.

I pulled the zipper open, confirmed the ID and passport were both inside, and turned to go.

The next morning at nine sharp, I was standing in Professor Lambert's office.

"You're sure? Once you hand over the documents and the process starts, there's no taking it back."

I said it without hesitation.

"I'm sure. No regrets."

...

Three days later.

A thick patch of bandage on her forehead, Felicia pushed open the apartment door.

In her hand was an expensive tailored suit she'd had made for me, ready to do what she always did: soften, bow her head.

"Sam, I'm out of the hospital. I got you"

The apartment was silent. No one answered.

She frowned, changed out of her shoes, and walked into the bedroom.

"Still angry? Look, I came straight home to make it up to you"

Her voice cut off the instant she slid the closet door open.