Seven Years, and I Was Always the Third Wheel

Out shopping,my boyfriend bought two cups of milk tea,the way he always did.

One jasmine milk tea,half sugar,light ice.

Then he got to me and grabbed a four-dollar iced lemon tea without thinking.

It was pushing a hundred degrees out,and yet the tea in my hand was still hot.

Mer,why aren't you drinking?

My best friend seemed to remember something all at once,and she punched my boyfriend in the arm.

"Come on,Mer's allergic to lemon!How could you forget that?"

The two of them dissolved into teasing and shoving,completely overlooking me standing right there.

Ever since we started dating,this kind of thing had happened more times than I could count.

Disney tickets,Valentine Delgado always saved one for Ellie Barnes.

Making a wish at a chapel,he never forgot to get her a lucky red string.

And every time,he'd grin and joke.

"Sorry,Mer,forgot to grab yours this time.Next time for sure,I promise."

I'd heard that line so many times my ears had nearly grown calluses.

In a friendship of three,somehow I was the one who felt like the extra.

This time,I didn't want to keep trailing along behind them.

That cup of lemon tea went into the trash without a single sip.

A month ago,Valentine had promised that on my birthday he'd take me out for the big shared dinner I loved most.

The place was popular;you had to book online well ahead of time.

I'd made the reservation a week early,looking forward to today,to finally trying it together with the two of them on my birthday.

But Ellie complained.

"Who eats hot food in weather like this?I'm dying."

And Valentine wasn't happy either.

"All that broth and grease,and Ellie doesn't even like heavy food.Why don't we go somewhere else?"

I said,"If you two don't want it,I'll just eat by myself."

Seeing that I was upset,Ellie gave in with a put-upon little sigh."Fine,fine.For your birthday's sake,I'll just have to suck it up."

When it came time to order,the whole table was filled with Ellie's favorites.

Even the broth was extra spicy.

But my stomach had been bad since I was a kid;I couldn't handle a single bite of spice.

Looking at the loaded table,I lost my appetite completely.

The two of them were still bickering beside me,without the slightest notice that anything was wrong with me.

Ellie thumped Valentine in the stomach with her fist.

He pretended to dodge,then caught both her wrists easily.

"Okay,okay,stop being mad."

"Everything we ordered is your favorite!"

Ellie shook my arm,her face all wounded pout."Mer,look at him,your boyfriend's picking on me and you won't even step in!"

Through the steam rising off the pot,I watched the two of them carry on together.

I pressed my lips together and said nothing.

Ellie and Valentine and I had known each other for years.

We'd been together since the same high school,then got into the same college.

The three of us were always inseparable,the"iron triangle"everyone thought was so close.

But somewhere along the way,that closeness had turned into something else.

By the time the meal was over,a light rain had started outside.

Valentine opened the front passenger door and said,on reflex,

"Mer,Ellie gets carsick easily.Let her sit up front and you take the back,okay?It's all the same anyway."

But he'd forgotten.I got carsick too.

I opened my mouth,the complaint stuck on the edge of my lips,and in the end I said nothing.

The AC in the car was turned way down,and the cold air made Ellie sneeze.

The next second,Valentine pulled off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders.

The gesture came so smoothly,like he'd done it countless times before.

Ellie wrapped the jacket tight around herself and smiled as she praised him."Didn't think you had it in you to be this thoughtful."

"Mer,this boyfriend of yours,I trained him up nicely for you,didn't I?"

I dragged up a self-mocking smile.

The cold wind chilled my fingertips little by little,and my heart went cold along with them.

Somewhere along the way,all that care that used to be mine had gone to my best friend instead.

The next morning,early,Ellie called,loud and insistent that we all go hiking together.

I wanted to say no,but she wouldn't hear it and just dragged me along.

"It's no fun going alone."

"And hiking's the perfect time to warm things up between you two!"

She grinned at me,teasing,as if she hadn't noticed at all how bad I looked.

Before we even left,my lower belly had started to ache,faint at first.

My period had come on suddenly,the dragging pain slowly turning sharp,my lower back throbbing with it.

But Ellie was all bright energy.

"Little old Mount Rainier.We've got this."

Valentine smiled and backed her up.

"We hardly ever get out.Don't be a downer."

I opened my mouth,then swallowed the words.Not feeling well.I kept them down.

The mountain path was rough and uneven,and not long after we started,Ellie began complaining she was tired.

She leaned against the railing,brows knit,playing it up.

"I can't,I can't,my legs are so sore.If I'd known,I never would've come."

Valentine stopped at once and turned back to her.

"You're tired already?We've barely walked."

His words were all complaint,but his hand was already reaching out to her.

Ellie slipped her hand into his palm and said with a giggle,

"Then you hold on to me the whole way."

Valentine didn't refuse.

He took Ellie's hand and walked ahead,glancing back now and then to tell her to slow down,to watch out for the loose stones.

I trailed behind them,looking at their joined hands,and something in me went sour.

The ache in my belly suddenly felt worse.

A cold sweat broke out down my back.I slowed my steps,gripped the railing,and waited for it to pass.

The two of them up ahead never noticed I'd fallen behind.

Ellie complained the whole way,first that her shoes were rubbing,then that the sun was too hot,then a few steps on that she was thirsty.

Valentine coaxed her along,pulling water from the bag and handing it over.

"Drink slow,don't choke."

Ellie finished the water,shoved the bottle back against his chest,and said with a smile,

"Valentine,you've done pretty well today."

Valentine laughed too.

"Of course.You're impossible to look after,that's whose fault it is."

Their laughter carried over on the mountain wind and landed light against my ear.

I hurt so much I could barely straighten up,and all I could do was grit my teeth and climb,one step at a time.

By the time I reached the rest area halfway up,I'd finally caught up to them.

Ellie sat on the long bench with her legs stretched way out,and waved at me.

"Mer,why are you so slow?Your stamina's really bad,isn't it?"

I had no strength to answer.I just held on to the stone post beside me and sat down.

I'd barely settled when a few kids came tearing down from not far off,roughhousing.

They ran too fast and slammed into Ellie where she sat on the edge.

On reflex I reached out to grab her.

But Valentine was faster.

He yanked Ellie into his arms and turned his back to shield her from the kids.

In the chaos,someone shoved me,my foot slipped,and my ankle twisted hard.

I sucked in a sharp breath at the pain and dropped straight to the ground.

"Mer!"

Ellie cried out.

She'd taken a small fall too,scraping her knee against the edge of a stone step,a few faint lines of blood seeping through.

Valentine crouched down at once to check her wound,brows drawn tight.

"Does it hurt?"

Ellie's eyes went red,her voice trembling.

"A little."

Valentine's tone softened instantly.

"Don't be scared.I'll carry you down."

I sat on the ground,my ankle numb with pain,and couldn't stop myself.

"Valentine,I twisted my ankle too."

Only then did he glance back at me.

Just one glance.

Then he said,

"Wait here for a bit.I'll get Ellie down and come back for you."

I froze.

Ellie lay against his back and looked over her shoulder at me,her voice apologetic.

"Mer,I'm so sorry.My knee really hurts.Wait for us a little,we'll come back for you soon."

I looked at that small scrape on her knee,then dropped my eyes to my own ankle,already swelling,and suddenly couldn't say a single word.

Valentine carried Ellie off,and before long the two of them disappeared where the winding path curved out of sight.

I sat alone in the rest area.

At first,I really thought he'd be back soon.

But I waited a long time,and he never came.

The light was draining out of the sky,and the wind moved through the trees,leaves hissing all around me.

At some point,it had started to rain.

I hadn't brought an umbrella,and my phone signal kept cutting in and out.

My ankle had swollen badly.I tried to stand.

The moment I put weight on it,the pain whited out my vision.

So I sat back down,wrapped my arms around myself,and waited in the rain that grew colder by the minute.

My clothes were soaked through,the cramping in my belly and the ache in my ankle tangling together until I could barely breathe.

I checked my phone,over and over.

No messages.No calls.

It was as though Valentine had forgotten me completely.

The dark thickened bit by bit,the hikers thinned out,and in the end even the last of the voices faded away.

Sitting there on the freezing bench,I suddenly found it almost funny.

That I was still waiting.

Waiting for the person who'd left me on the mountain and carried someone else down.

Not until the sky had gone fully black did my phone finally ring.

It was Valentine.

I answered,and before I could say a word,his blame came crashing down the line.

"Meryl,why aren't you down yet?"

"Why do you have to make everything so hard?"

"Ellie hurt her knee.I was busy getting her cleaned up.Couldn't you just be a little more reasonable?"

Rainwater ran down my face.

I couldn't tell anymore what was rain and what wasn't.

I gripped the phone,listening to how righteous he sounded,and whatever warmth I had left went out under that rain.

So he wasn't worried about me.

He was only blaming me for not being reasonable.

Blaming me for not walking obediently down the mountain by myself,for not going on being the one who never got angry,the one who could always be left behind.

The pain just stopped.

Or maybe it had reached its limit and gone numb.

I let out a soft laugh,my voice so low the rain nearly swallowed it.

"Valentine."

The line went quiet for a beat.

I closed my eyes and said,calmly,

"I understand."

This time,I really was done.

Later,it was a park staffer who found me.

By the time they brought me down,Valentine and Ellie were already gone.

I sat in the first-aid room and watched the doctor tend to my red,swollen ankle.

The instant the ice pack touched it,the pain set my fingertips trembling,but not a single tear fell.

A message from Valentine popped up on my phone.

He asked if I was still angry.

He said he'd only been too anxious in the moment.

He said Ellie had gotten hurt too,after all,and I shouldn't take it so much to heart.

I stared at those few lines for a long time,then turned off the screen.

So it turned out some relationships don't go bad all at once.

They're overlooked a little at a time,given up on again and again.

And then,in some perfectly ordinary moment,they die for good.

The spring recruiting season was about to begin.

My advisor called me into her office alone.

"Meryl,your grades here are excellent,and you've won several national-level awards."

"There's a major Silicon Valley tech company recruiting from top universities right now.They only have one internship slot."

"I wanted to ask if you'd be willing to take it.If you don't,the opportunity will have to go to someone else."

She'd asked me the same thing two months ago.

Back then I'd kept hesitating.

Because Ellie had said she couldn't bear for me to go somewhere so far away,that she'd miss me if she couldn't see me.

And back then I'd actually believed her.

I thought that as long as I stayed,the three of us could go on the way we always had.

But now I finally understood.People and relationships that weren't worth it shouldn't be the thing tripping up my life.

I looked at my advisor and said,meaning every word:

"I'll take it."

She smiled and nodded,told me I was talented and hardworking and would carve out my own space at a company like that.

I thanked her and walked out of the office.

My ankle still ached faintly,but something in my chest loosened all at once.

Like a stone that had pressed there for a long time,finally shifted at one corner.

When I got back to the dorm,the door wasn't fully shut.

I'd just reached it when I heard Ellie and Valentine playing games inside.

"Dude,penta kill!"

Valentine's voice was as excited as a kid's.

"I seriously love you,Ellie,your teamwork today was unreal!"

Ellie was smug.

"You'd better thank your daddy for that."

"Thank you,honored father,for your great kindness.Your child will bring you breakfast tomorrow!"

Ellie was laughing,delighted.

Valentine was laughing too.

"It'd be great if Mer could play games like you."

"All she does all day is study.She's dull as a post."

Standing outside the door,I suddenly didn't even have the strength to push it open.

So while I'd been trapped on that mountain,hurting too much to stand,soaked in the rain,they could carry on like this without a care.

So all my hurt was,to them,nothing but me making a fuss.

I pushed the door open.

The laughter in the room cut off at once.

Ellie saw me and immediately lifted a bright smile,pressing a gift bag into my hands.

"Mer,you're back.Aunt Elena Swanson was traveling abroad and brought us presents."

Just then my phone lit up with a message from Valentine.

Surprise,Mer,getting a present when it isn't even a holiday.Aren't you surprised?

I looked down at the bag in my hands.

Inside were a few makeup samples and some cheap souvenirs.

And on Ellie's bed sat a limited-edition designer bag.

The exact style she'd been going on about for ages,the one she'd never been able to get because it was sold out here.

The whole scene in front of me suddenly struck me as absurd.

His mother remembered what Ellie liked.

He remembered what Ellie liked.

Only everything about me could always be forgotten,always brushed off.

I didn't reply to Valentine.I just set the gift bag on the desk and started sorting through my internship paperwork.

Right then a message came in from my advisor:

The internship starts next month,so you can get a head start on preparing.

I replied:

Okay.

Typing that one word,I felt calmer than I ever had.

At last,I was leaving this place.

I wouldn't have to trail after them anymore,the one who always got left behind.

I remembered how close the three of us had been back in high school.

Back then,Valentine had eyes only for me.

Ellie and I were in the same class,and Valentine was in the one next door.

The first time he saw me,he was drawn to me.

Every week Valentine and I would write letters to each other in a shared journal.

Because I spent so much time with him,Ellie even got jealous and accused me of ditching my friends the moment a boy came along.

I pretended to be angry and tugged her ear.

"Hmph,say that again and I won't tutor you tomorrow."

Ellie hurried to coax me,flustered.

"No,no,no,my dearest bestie!"

"Without you,who's going to save a hopeless math idiot like me?"

After that,so Ellie wouldn't feel left out,the three of us were always together,inseparable.

I thought I'd never leave the two of them for the rest of my life.

And now,that bond had long since rotted.

It was time to let go.

That night,I messaged Valentine.

Come out for a minute.There's something I need to tell you.

A long while passed before he replied.

Whatever it is,tell me tomorrow.

Ellie says she wants shrimp right now,so we've got to hurry or the restaurant will close.

I almost laughed.Not out of anger.There was simply nothing left to hope for.

I took a deep breath and calmly opened his chat window.

Don't bother coming out.I was going to tell you in person,but now I don't see the point.

Let's break up.