After I Asked for a Divorce, She Took Me to Court

Are you brain-dead?

You can't even do a problem this simple?

My wife lecturing the kids. Standard summer routine.

I couldn't watch it anymore. It's late. Let them get to bed first.

Bed my ass. Until this problem gets into that head, nobody's sleeping.

This is prep work, brand-new material. It takes a while to sink in. I looked at her. "How about I take over teaching them for a while?"

"You don't even know what you are. What are you going to teach with? You think you could get it through to them?"

"We're solving a problem here. Let's not make it a personal attack."

Her face darkened further. "Who are you yelling at? The kid takes after you. Can't do a single thing right."

"Enough." I slapped the desk.

"Who do you think you're shouting at?" Her temper flared up, and she grabbed the water cup and hurled it.

Everything on the desk went to the floor. She kicked the kid, went back into the bedroom, and slammed the door hard.

The two boys were shaking with fear. I stayed quiet for a long time. This wasn't the first fight over how to raise them.

Neither of us could change the other. I knew it was time to make a decision.

I looked at the kids. "If I divorced your mom, who would you go with?"

......

Divorce was the last step I ever wanted to take.

But twelve years into this marriage, she said she saw no hope in it.

The truth was, neither did I. I knew I couldn't keep dragging it out.

Once the kids gave me their answer, I took them to my mother's first. I meant to sit down and really talk it through with my wife.

The whole drive back, I kept going over these twelve years of marriage.

We'd never leaned on each other through anything, and going by the odds we never would. That settled it. I was going through with the divorce.

She still wasn't asleep in the bedroom.

"Have you calmed down? Let's talk." I looked at her.

"There's nothing to talk about." Her face was cold.

"When there's a problem, you solve it. We need to communicate." I tried again.

"Communicate what? What is there to communicate about?" She glared at me.

"Are you fit to be the safety net for these kids? Don't teach them properly now, and they'll end up as useless as you, is that it?"

I'd heard this kind of thing far too many times.

I don't know why, but her mind never went to solving the problem. It went to tearing me down, and even tearing down the kids.

I'd told her again and again that kids need to be affirmed, that it's how you build their confidence.

This time the words came up to my mouth and I swallowed them again. I knew there was no point saying any of it now.

Fine, forget the kids. I started taking a hard look at what was left between her and me.

I looked at her. "When two people are together, they're supposed to find the things that draw them to each other. You put me down as worthless, every last bit of me. Do I really not have a single good point?"

"Nothing in me you'd give any credit to?"

"No." Her answer came flat and immediate.

"Then let's get divorced."

"Fine. Divorce."

"Then let's talk about how we split things. What do you want?"

"The house, the car, the savings. And the younger one stays with me."

Same demands as always. I was supposed to walk out with the older boy and nothing else.

"That's not fair."

"How is it not fair? I don't have an income, so I need the assets."

I looked at her. "Your not having an income isn't my doing."

"Then take me to court. Whatever the judge decides, I'll accept it."

"I don't want to go that route." I tried again. "You can have all the property. Both boys come with me."

"No."

"All right, both boys stay with you, and you keep the property too. I'll cover the costs for both of them. I just want visitation."

"I can't afford to raise them. I'll only take one."

"They're brothers. Splitting them up isn't good for them. If they both come with me, you can see them whenever you want. I don't want them separated."

"Then take me to court."

I looked at her and knew there was nothing left to say.

This was my weak spot, the soft place that had kept me holding on to this marriage. I couldn't feel any love from her, and whatever love I'd had for her was gone now too.

But I didn't want the two boys to lose each other. If each of us took one, they'd grow apart. That was certain.

I walked out of the room and sat up the whole night until the sky went light.

First thing in the morning, I went to consult a lawyer.

Income level wouldn't decide custody under the law. The fact that I earned more couldn't be my trump card for keeping both boys.

But I got one piece of good news from the lawyer.

A child's own choice mattered a great deal, and the younger boy was already past eight, which meant he had the right to choose too.

After more than an hour with the lawyer, I made my decision. File for divorce.

The lawyer's advice was to fight for the property along with the children.

That was to protect my own legal rights.

It was also the key to winning custody of both boys.

On that point I followed the lawyer's advice. I had him draft the complaint, and that same day I filed the petition with the court.

From the day I filed, I never went back to that cold house.

A lot of people will tell you that being together is what makes you happy.

But once we were apart, I found there was no pain in me at all. Just a relief and ease I hadn't felt in a long time.

I rented a place first and brought the boys to live with me.

They'd ask where their mother was, and I couldn't get around that.

When I told them she'd gone to work somewhere far away and wouldn't be back for a long time, what I saw on both their faces was joy.

So it turned out they'd found that house too suffocating too.

Every day after school, the first word out of anyone's mouth was homework.

No fun allowed in the house, no outings to unwind. The moment the TV or a phone came on, the same line came with it: Is your homework done?

Scores like that, and you've still got the nerve to watch TV?

The boys had lived on eggshells, and I'd carried a knot of worry in my chest most of the time.

Now none of that had to be worried about anymore.

After school they could have half an hour of fun first, and on weekends I planned plenty of outings.

"It'd be great if Mom just stayed away for work forever." More than ten days in, the younger boy said it, and something in me dropped.

The truth was, I didn't want to cut the boys off from her. A child needs a father's love and a mother's love both to grow up whole.

But I'd overlooked something else. Maybe the boys had never felt that love at all.

Twenty days straight, and I didn't get a single call from her, not one message asking after anyone.

She didn't care where I was, didn't care what I was doing.

She didn't care where the boys were either.

It had always been like this after a fight. This time, if I hadn't taken the boys and left, she'd have been the one to disappear for a while.

And once she left, she wouldn't even pick up her own parents' calls. Nobody would know where she was.

From now on, I wasn't going to waste any more of myself on this kind of thing.

On the twenty-third day after I moved out of that house, the court called to ask whether I'd accept mediation.