Shopping, Bestie's Husband Bought Condoms, I Slapped Him

I was at the supermarket when I saw my best friend's husband holding a box of ultra-thin condoms.

I paid for them, generous as anything, and asked, mild as could be, Paige is still away on business. Who are you planning to use these with?

Grabbed the wrong thing, he answered flatly.

He swapped them out for a pack of gum, smooth as you please.

A moment later a young thing came bouncing over and hooked herself onto his wrist.

"Baby, are you done? I want the strawberry ones!"

I just stood there and watched him, calm. He opened his mouth to weasel out of it.

The girl asked, annoyed, "Hey, lady, who even are you? Why do you keep"

I couldn't be bothered to hear her out. I raised my hand and slapped her.

My best friend has a soft heart. I don't.

I don't care what kind of man you used to be.

You married my best friend, so you stay in line.

"Patsy Winfield, are you out of your mind! I don't even know her, what are you hitting people for!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh. Don't know her, huh."

And I lifted my hand again.

Julius Henson yanked the girl behind him and shielded her.

"Don't know her, huh?"

Julius spoke like a man on the side of righteousness. "Patsy Winfield, you go crazy and beat up a stranger, and I step in for justice, what's wrong with that? You say I'm cheating. You got proof?"

"No."

Behind him, the girl clutched her red, swollen cheek, mouth twisting in pain.

"Wh-who is she?"

Her voice was tiny, thin as a mosquito's whine.

The second she met my eyes, she flinched away.

Nothing left of the swagger from a minute ago.

Julius said nothing, so I answered for him.

"My name is Patsy Winfield. I'm Paige Dudley's best friend. He's Paige's husband. A married man."

I watched her roll her eyes, just a little.

Seemed she knew exactly what she was and did it anyway.

Which made hitting her a lot easier on my conscience.

"You're young. Memory should be good, right? Remember this face. From now on, anywhere in New York, every time I see you, I hit you."

Julius stewed behind me, running his mouth without a break.

I turned and pushed the cigarettes and liquor across the counter. "Ring it up."

Something occurred to me, and I took a box off the shelf. "This too."

Once it was paid for, I left the bag right there. "It's a gift for you two." I looked back at the cheating pair and, kindly, reminded them, "Strawberry flavor."

"Patsy Winfield, you're sick!"

"Holy hell, she really is a psycho!"

I carried my things out of the store and found somewhere to eat.

The place wasn't far from my best friend's home. Fourth floor. I glanced up from the street and saw the AC unit outside turning. Someone was in.

I lit two cigarettes and called her.

By the time I reached the second floor, she picked up.

"Patsy! Why are you calling me at this hour? It's boiling out here!"

"Work going okay?"

She was buzzing on the other end. "Really well! Once I wrap up the next few days, I'll fly back and come see you!"

"Good." As we talked, I reached her door. "What's your door code?"

"152079, why?"

"Nothing. Missed Domi. I'll go check on him."

I keyed in the code, and with a little click the lock opened.

"Is Julius not home? I just called him and he didn't pick up either... I have to go, Patsy, we're about to start a meeting."

"Okay."

I hung up and pulled the door open.

A childish pair of shoes sat in the entryway. On the sofa was that familiar sundress.

Two voices murmured to each other from the bedroom. "Baby, do I smell better, or does your wife?"

I was in no rush to go in. I took a loop around the living room, hefting the baseball bat in my hand a few times.

"Sweet baby, don't I look pretty in this?"

I looked it over, then dropped the bat and picked up the fruit knife off the coffee table.

"Baby, I think I hear something outside."

"It's just the dog in the living room. Relax."

I glanced back. Domi was in his crate, wagging his tail at me.

Once I finish here, I'll get you a chew stick.

I kicked open the bedroom door and raised my phone to record.

The curtains were drawn, the room glowing under a red mood light.

The second he saw me, Julius flinched all over and started grabbing for anything he could find.

In the end he snatched a towel off the floor and wrapped it around his waist.

"Patsy, are you insane? How the hell did you get in here?"

The young mistress shrieked and clutched the blanket tight.

"Patsy, I've been too damn nice to you, haven't I? You're an outsider. None of this is your business!"

Julius yanked his belt free and came at me.

I pulled out the fruit knife. He laughed. "You've got to be kidding me. You even know how to use that? You wouldn't dare stab me."

He slapped his own belly. "Come on, come on. If you've got the guts, stick it right here."

"Sure."

I didn't hesitate. I drove the knife straight in.

Julius went white in an instant.

I pulled the knife out. "Want the other side too?"

He couldn't get a word out, so I took that as a yes.

One more into the other side.

"Aah! You lunatic! You crazy bitch!"

Honestly, it was the first time I'd ever heard a grown man scream like that.

Julius was gasping, in too much pain to string a full sentence together.

The man who'd been strutting a second ago, daring me to do it, was chalk-pale now, cold sweat all over his forehead.

The one under the covers finally snapped out of it too. She scrambled off the bed without even bothering to fix her tangled clothes.

She had nothing on but Julius's shirt, the loose hem hanging off her.

The young mistress threw herself down beside Julius, tears spilling instantly.

"Baby, are you okay?"

"Don't scare me! Open your eyes, look at me."

Watching the two of them cling to each other so tenderly, I was almost moved.

I didn't even bother going at him again.

Tsk. I could've patted myself on the back. My temper really is too good.

I lit a cigarette, leaned against the wardrobe, and tipped my head back, a little worn out.

A huge wedding photo hung on the master bedroom wall. In it, Julius wore a suit, smiling gently.

Beside him, Paige stood in a spotless white gown, her eyes full of happiness.

Back then she'd told me she'd finally married for love.

She said Julius was the best man in the whole world.

I'd teased her at the time, told her she had good taste.

Looking at it now, I shook my head and gave a bitter smile.

The cigarette burned down to my fingers before I came back to myself. I glanced at the blood on my hand and calmly took the last drag.

The girl was still crying. Crying enough to give me a headache.

Sniffling and hiccupping, though I couldn't tell if she was worried about Julius or scared of what was coming for her.

Then she looked up and glared at me.

That fragile, pitiful act was gone now. "What is it you actually want? Why can't you stand seeing us happy together?"

The more she talked, the more worked up she got. "This is breaking in and attempted murder!"

Her voice went shrill, like she'd finally found her chance to point the finger at me.

I let out a short laugh. "Murder?"

I glanced at Julius on the floor. "He's too thick-skinned to die that easy. How does the saying go? Right, the wicked live a thousand years."

Julius was in so much pain his face was twitching. He glared at me. "Patsy Winfield, you're insane!"

I strolled over to the bed, bent down, and looked at him. "That all you've got? Nothing else to add?"

The girl wouldn't let me get close. She shoved me. "Who are you to butt in on us? His own wife hasn't even said anything!"

I looked at her and said flatly, "You're right. She's a pushover. I'm not."

"Patsy"

He barely got the word out before I cut him off.

"And breaking in?"

I looked around the room. "This house, if I remember right, is mine. How is it breaking in when I'm standing in my own house?"

The words landed, and Julius and the girl both froze.

The house really was mine.

Back when Paige and Julius had just gotten married, they had no savings.

With one wave of my hand, I'd bought them this place.

Julius, for his part, had lived here comfortable and content, and forgotten whose house it even was.

Now Julius finally panicked.

He crawled toward me, the anger draining away bit by bit, replaced by fear.

He struggled up to a sitting position and grabbed for my hand. I shook him off.

"Patsy I was wrong."

"I'll apologize to you, okay? No, I'll apologize to Paige. It's my fault, I'll change, I really will!"

As he spoke, he actually lowered himself to his knees.

"I'll never do it again, I'll make her leave right now!"

Beside him, the girl stared at him in disbelief. "Julius, baby? What are you saying?"

She pointed at herself, disbelieving. "You want me to leave?"

Julius didn't even spare her a sideways glance. "Shut up. Get out first."

The phone on the bed suddenly lit up.

I said nothing and picked it up. It was Julius's phone, the lock screen still a photo of him and Paige.

The phone was on silent. Three missed calls on the screen.

All from the same person.

Paige.

My heart sank, little by little.

She'd been out working all day, couldn't reach Julius, and still had to worry over his mess.

I picked up the phone and threw it straight at Julius.

He flinched, thinking I was going to hit him again, and threw his arm up on instinct to block.

The sight of him cowering there made my blood boil. "Call Paige back. Don't leave her worrying about you."

Julius froze. "Now?"

I stared at him, and the longer I looked, the more he turned my stomach. "She's out there entertaining clients and still worrying about you. You really do deserve to die."

With that, I turned and walked out to the living room, grabbed Domi, and went downstairs.

The ambulance showed up at the curb soon after. Julius must have called it.

Good to himself, at least. Quick enough with the phone.

I'd only walked Domi a few laps when my best friend called.

"Paige."

Her voice came through tired. "Patsy, is Julius hurt?"

I paused. "How do you know?"

"He just called me. Said he cut his hand peeling fruit and he's at the hospital getting stitches."

She sighed. "Honestly. A grown man, and still so careless with everything."

He really knew how to spin a story around his own injury.

"He's a grown man. What could possibly happen to him? Don't worry about it."

"But I heard it's pretty bad, and I'm still away on this trip, I can't get back. Patsy, if you have time, could you go check on him at the hospital?"

Just looking at him one more time was more than I could stand, but she wouldn't stop.

"Please? Please, Patsy, you're the best! Pretty please!"

I glanced down at Domi by my feet and stayed quiet for a few seconds. "Fine. I got it."

After I hung up, I let out a long breath.

Even now, Paige was still worried about him.

Thinking about what I'd just seen upstairs, I felt it was such a waste for her.

But this wasn't the time to tell her the truth.

This trip was crucial for her. Everything could wait until she got back.

I took Domi and went straight to the hospital, planning to snap a couple of photos just to have something to report back.

I never expected the trip would land me a front-row seat to a real spectacle.

Julius had a private VIP room. When I got there, the door was leaning half open.

A woman's tearful voice drifted out. "Baby, are you really done with me?"

"Didn't you say I was your favorite? Did you forget we just, we just, only a moment ago... You're so cruel!"

I leaned against the doorframe and nudged the gap a little wider.

Julius was sitting on the couch, one hand wrapped in gauze, the other fiddling with his beat-up lighter.

On his phone screen, a video of women dancing.

The young mistress was crouched by his leg, crying her eyes out.

"Julius, stop playing! I'm really angry now!"

She snatched the phone away and plopped herself onto his lap.

Julius shoved her off, irritated. "Look, can you knock it off? Didn't you see that crazy woman actually wants to kill me? I've got the itch but not the nerve right now! How am I supposed to keep this up? Just wait out this stretch, I'm begging you."

The young mistress froze. "Julius, are you even a man? Have you got any backbone at all?"

Julius picked up the phone and went back to scrolling the videos. "We both wanted it, so what's this about backbone? Now it's turned into this mess. What do you want me to do?"

She was shaking with anger. She wiped her tears and suddenly stood up.

"Fine. Julius, you're forcing my hand."

She pulled a stack of papers out of her bag and dropped them on the coffee table. "I'm not wasting words on you. See for yourself."

Julius frowned and picked them up reluctantly. "What is this?"

"Can't you read?"

The next second, Julius's face went white and he shot up off the couch.

"Preg... pregnant?"

He stared at the paper and didn't say anything for a long time.

The young mistress watched him and kept the pressure on. "I'm pregnant, and you're the only man I've been with. Give me a straight answer. Do you want this baby or not?"

Clearly this wasn't part of Julius's plan.

He didn't have the acting skills to fake that dazed look.

He just sat there, stunned.

"I'm giving you the chance now. Do you want it or not? I won't force you. If you want it, I'll have the baby. But if you don't want me or the child..." Her voice trailed off, her eyes fixed on his face. "Then this report goes straight to your wife."