My Fake Bestie is a CEO

My new roommate left early and came home late, practically a ghost. I figured she was working herself to the bone, so I went out of my way to take care of her.

[Me: Babe, I left some of the beef bourguignon I slow-simmered for four hours in the fridge for you.]

[Her: Thanks.]

[Me: Bestie, scarves were buy-one-get-one. Left one for you.]

[Her: Okay.]

Until one night.

[Me: Ahhh babe save me! Do you have any extra-long overnight pads or tampons?!]

Ten minutes later, a gorgeous, ridiculously tall guy knocked on my bedroom door, holding a massive shopping bag full of overnight pads and tampons. "Are these enough? I can go buy more."

Besties, my world just ended! How the hell did my sweet girl roommate suddenly morph into a six-foot-three hottie???

Chapter 1

My last roommate was an absolute dipshit. Hed leave fruit in the fridge until it rotted into a science experiment and pile his crusty socks in the bathroom sink before locking himself in his room to game.

We fought practically every other day. So, the second he moved out, I explicitly begged the landlord to find me a girl to split the rent with. The landlord agreed without missing a beat.

Soon enough, my new roommate added me on WhatsApp. This girls name was Declan. Her profile picture was a Samoyed tilting its head with a goofy smile. She only had one status updatea picture of the fluffy dog sitting on the grass, tongue lolling out without a care in the world.

My heart melted instantly. Besties, how bad could someone who loves Samoyeds possibly be?

Our following conversation totally proved my point. Before she moved in, she went out of her way to text me:

[Hi. I'll be moving in next Wednesday between 10:00 AM and 1:00 PM. If I'm being too loud, please let me know.]

Since the new roommate was so polite, I instantly flipped my sweetheart switch. I quickly typed back:

[No worries, babe! I'll be at work anyway. Make yourself at home~]

She replied:

[Okay, thanks.]

I didn't know why she added the ellipsis, but I brushed it off and went back to work.

The day my new roommate moved in, the apartment didn't turn into a disaster zone. If anything, it was cleaner.

The dust on the crystal chandelier was completely wiped away, and the dead bulb was replaced. A sleek enamel vase sat in the corner, holding a perfectly arranged bouquet of fresh flowers. The evening breeze carried a faint, sweet scent through the living room.

The whole place looked warm and bright.

Without a doubt, this was all my new roommate's doing. I was practically in awe.

When my last roommate moved in, the living room was covered in muddy footprints and drywall dust. He ruined the rug, and I was the one stuck cleaning it up.

How was this new roommate such an angel? I must have racked up some serious good karma. Mother Nature was finally rewarding me!

Still marveling at my luck, I walked toward my bedroomand stopped. A gift box sat right outside my door.

A high-quality, gold-stamped sticky note was attached to the box. The handwriting on it was sharp, bold, and aggressive:

[Hello. Glad to be your roommate. A small gift to show my appreciation. Hope we get along well. Declan.]

I ripped open the box and found an incredibly expensive, Jo Malone-style couture scented candle inside.

The scent was sweet and lingering, like creamy caramel.

I wanted to knock on her door and welcome her face-to-face. But then I remembered I had worked overtime. It was almost eleven at night. My new roommate was probably already asleep.

So, I just sent her a text.

[Me: Babe!! Thank you for the gift!]

[Me: I absolutely love the scent! Mwah mwah mwah! ????????]

[Me: Cheers to us living together!]

A few minutes later, Declan texted back.

[Declan: Glad you like it.]

But she obviously had more to say. The typing bubble hovered at the top of the chat for a solid ten minutes. What was she trying to say? Was it really that hard to type out?

After I got out of the shower, I saw she had finally sent a new message. Three minutes ago, from Declan.

[Declan: Um just a quick correction. We aren't "living together." We are just sharing an apartment.]

Chapter 2

The massive project our team had been grinding on was finally over. My manager graciously waved his hand and gave us the day off. So today, I bought a ton of groceries, rolled up my sleeves, and geared up to treat myself to an absolute feast.

Please enjoy this cheesy baked lobster, princess. Please enjoy this Beef Wellington, princess. Please enjoy this black truffle pasta, princess. Please enjoy this French seafood stew, princess.

Whoops. I accidentally made way too much. Staring at the table groaning under the weight of all this food, I thought about it, portioned some out, and saved half for Declan.

Since she left early and came back late every single day, never even touching the kitchen, I figured she was surviving entirely on takeout. Poor girl.

I sealed her portions tightly with plastic wrap and packed them into Tupperware. Then, I shot Declan a text:

[Babe, I cooked way too much today! Left half for you. Try my cooking! ????]

She texted back almost immediately:

[Thanks.]

I followed up:

[Oh, also! The company gave us a massive box of giant cherries today. I can't finish them all, so please help me eat some!]

Her:

[Okay, thanks.]

I tossed my phone aside and stuffed my face. Almost an hour later, I was finally full and thoroughly satisfied. My phone screen lit up. A new message from Declan.

[This might be a bit forward, but I wanted to ask do you call everyone 'babe'?]

I immediately typed back:

[Of course not! I only call people I like 'babe'! I like you a lot, so you're my babe!]

Declan:

[You haven't even met me yet, and you like me?]

Me:

[Duh! Never question my judgment!]

Declan:

[Alright.]

Me:

[Wait, do you not like being called babe? If you hate it, I can stop.]

The typing bubble popped up. She spent another solid ten minutes typing. Declan finally replied:

[It's fine. You can call me that.]

Me:

[??????]

My bestie's online boutique went out of business. She mailed me two massive boxes of unsold inventory. We're talking lace, cat ears, fluffy bunny tails Embracing the spirit of zero waste, I threw them all in the wash.

Back when I had to worry about my roommate being a guy, I strictly hung my panties and bras to dry in my own tiny room. Now, it didn't matter. My roommate was a girl just like me, so I shamelessly hung everything out on the balcony to air dry.

Another day of brutal overtime. I was stuck in meetings until my brain felt like mashed potatoes. While grabbing a coffee, a severe thunderstorm warning popped up on my phone.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

My laundry was still out on the balcony!

I frantically texted Declan:

[Babe!! Emergency! Are you home?]

Declan:

[I'm here. What's wrong?]

Me:

[It's about to pour, and I forgot to bring my laundry in! Could you please grab it for me?]

Declan:

[No problem.]

Me:

[Thanks babe, you're the absolute best! ??????]

I dropped my phone and rushed back to the grind. It wasn't until another grueling brainstorm session ended that I finally checked my phone again. Declan had sent several messages.

[9:27 PM, Declan: You didn't mention it was this kind of laundry.]

[9:28 PM, Declan: Are you sure you want me to bring this in?]

[9:56 PM, Declan: Are you there?]

[10:46 PM, Declan: ]

[10:49 PM, Declan: I brought them in for you.]

Chapter 3

I frantically texted back:

[Ahhh thank you babe! I was buried in work and didn't check my phone. Sorry sorry!]

I scrolled up a bit and replied:

[Wait, what's wrong with that kind of laundry? Do you not like it?]

Declan:

[]

Me:

[Are you more into classic styles?]

Declan:

[That's not what I meant.]

Me:

[Then which one is your favorite?]

Declan:

[]

Me:

[Sticker: Confused puppy tilting head]

[Sticker: Anxious puppy]

[Sticker: Puppy sprinting]

Declan:

[The bunny tail one.]

Me:

[Great taste! That's my favorite too! I actually have two sets, want me to give you one?]

Declan:

[No need.]

Me:

[Don't be shy babe~~]

Declan:

[I can't fit into it.]

Me:

[Wait, are you too big for them?]

Declan:

[]

[You could understand it that way.]

Me:

[Ahhhhh I'm so jealous!!!]

[Sticker: Reaching out to squeeze]

[Soft and busty babes are the best! Let me cop a feel!]

Declan:

[Don't do that. We've only known each other for a month.]

Me:

[Sorry babe, I won't do it again.]

Declan:

[That's not what I meant.]

Me:

[Then what do you mean? When we're closer I can squeeze?]

Declan:

[It depends.]

Declan went on a business trip last week. When she came back, she gifted me a custom Cartier diamond necklace.

Another sticky note was plastered to the outside of the velvet box, written in that same sharp, bold handwriting:

[Saw this necklace and thought it would suit you perfectly. Hope you like it. Declan.]

I didn't know much about fine jewelry, so I just happily clasped it around my neck. The second I walked into the office the next day, I was immediately swarmed by my coworkers.

"That cut and fire are practically blinding me!"

"Flawless clarity, and with that carat size? This has to be an ultra-rare grade."

"Harlow, where did you buy this? Drop the link right now."

I told the truth. "It's a gift from my roommate who just got back from a business trip. I don't think there's a link."

A senior coworker gasped. "Your roommate is incredibly generous. This has to be at least six figures! Is it a guy or a girl?"

I touched the blinding diamonds and giggled foolishly. "A girl! She's super sweet and a massive neat freak. She basically cleans the whole apartment; there's never even a single strand of hair on the floor."

"Plus, every time she goes on a trip, she brings me back a gift. Ahhh, she's seriously the best! I hit the roommate jackpot!"

My coworkers chattered excitedly, buzzing about the diamonds. I pulled out my phone and secretly texted Declan.

Me:

[Babe! Miss you miss you miss you!]

Declan:

[What's wrong?]

Me:

[Nothing, just thinking about how lucky I am to have you. Crying literal tears.]

Declan:

[Mhm. When are you coming home?]

Me:

[No idea yet. Looks like another night of brutal overtime.]

Declan:

[Alright.]

Me:

[Did you need me for something?]

Declan:

[No.]

Me:

[Sticker: Exhausted puppy collapsed on the floor]

Declan:

[The landlord renovated the bathroom. A new bathtub was installed. Text me when you get off work, I'll run the water for you.]

Me:

[WHAT!!!!! Our landlord is literally the best!!!! How did she know I wanted a bathtub!!!!! I only ever told the cactus in the living room!!!]

Declan:

[Who knows.]

Chapter 4

Me:

[By the way babe, could you grab the bunny tail for me? It's in the third drawer of my closet.]

Declan:

[You're going to wear it?]

Me:

[Yep yep.]

Declan:

[Who are you wearing it for?]

[System notification: A message was unsent.]

Declan:

[Sorry, that was out of line. It's your business, I shouldn't have asked.]

Me:

[Babe, you are strictly forbidden from apologizing! You don't have to walk on eggshells with me!! I'm not wearing it for anyone, just admiring myself, hehe.]

Declan:

[Admiring yourself?]

Me:

[Hehehe, you wanna see? My body is gorgeous! I literally have the best body in the world!]

Declan:

[I believe you.]

[But I'll pass for now.]

Me:

[Next time then! I'm a literal masterpiece! /Sticker: Twirling/]

Declan:

[Come home early, Ms. Masterpiece.]

It was the end of the month. The temperature had dropped. Walking past the mall, I spotted a buy-one-get-one-half-off sale on scarves. I decisively snagged two. One for me, one for Declan. Besties forever.

When we get old, we can rock our matching pink fluffy bear scarves and take bestie photos at national parks!

When I got home, Declan wasn't back yet. So, I hung the scarf on her bedroom doorknob. I shot her a text while I was at it.

[Babe, I bought two scarves. Giving you one, remember to wear it! We'll be matching and looking gorgeous~~ ????]

Declan:

[Like, matching as a couple?]

[Why aren't you replying?]

[Am I overthinking this?]

[System notification: A message was unsent.]

[System notification: A message was unsent.]

[System notification: A message was unsent.]

Declan:

[Thank you.]

Me:

[Babe what did you unsend? I was washing my hands.]

Declan:

[Nothing.]

Me:

[Gotcha! Make sure you wear it, babe! Pink is going to look so good on your skin tone! /Sticker: Puppy snuggles/]

Declan:

[Okay.]

I'd been chronically online lately, shitposting to my heart's content. I dropped a new status update.

[In our daily lives, we should always use polite words to build stronger relationships: Sorry, Please, and Thank You. For example: Sorry, Please buy me dinner, Thank You.]

Right after I hit post, my friends flooded the comments:

[You can play with my feelings, but you cannot play with my money.]

[I love being friends with you, it really gives me that 'bankrupt and emotionally drained' vibe.]

[Socializing with humans is so hard, thank god you don't act like one.]

I clutched my phone and cackled for a good minute before getting back to work.

A little while later, I noticed Declan had left a comment too. Rare! I didn't even think she looked at her feed. I tapped the red notification dot and saw her comment:

[I would like to buy you dinner, if that's okay?]

Good lord, of course it's okay! Amazing food plus a gorgeous girl? This dinner was going to be an absolute dream.

After locking in our dinner date for Saturday night, I had way too much excited energy and nowhere to put it, so I dropped another status update.

[Do you prefer apple pie, cherry pie, or me, your favorite cutie pie?]

Declan commented almost immediately:

[I don't like apple pie, and I don't like cherry pie.]

Direct hit to the heart.

Fireworks exploded in my brain.

Chapter 5

I clutched my phone and let out a literal squeal at my desk. My senior coworker jumped in her seat. "Harlow, what's wrong?"

I pressed my palms together like I was praying. "Girl, I'm starting to question my sexuality."

She raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"I think I'm crushing on a girl!"

She nodded sagely. "Women are flawless. Makes sense."

I nodded back vigorously. "The earth literally wouldn't spin without women."

She squinted at me. "Wait, you're not crushing on me, are you?"

"Nope. It's my roommate."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh. Back to your spreadsheets, then."

I just giggled like an absolute idiot.

Today was Friday. Usually, either I was working overtime or Declan was. We were constantly like two ships passing in the night.

But! Tomorrow! Tomorrow I was finally going to see her!

I was frantically trying on outfits, testing different heels, layering necklaces

And then

A vicious, stabbing cramp ripped through my lower abdomen. I felt that dreaded warm gush and bolted for the bathroom. A streak of red in the toilet bowl.

Yep. Aunt Flo had arrived.

I tore open the bathroom cabinet, only to realize I had completely run out of extra-long overnight pads. Damn it. I totally blamed last month's heavy flowI got so paranoid I wore overnights even on the very last day.

Karma is real, and shes a bitch. Thank God I had the best roommate in the world.

I fired off a text to Declan.

[Ahhh babe save me! Do you have any extra-long overnight pads or tampons?!]

Declan:

[What are those?]

Me:

[Wait, do you not use pads? Do you only use tampons? Those are terrible for sleeping, you'll leak everywhere.]

Declan:

[]

[I don't use tampons.]

[So you're talking about sanitary napkins?]

Me:

[Yes /Sticker: Weak and dying puppy/]

[It hurts so bad crying sobbing throwing up. I'm literally dying. I'm going to blow up the earth and take everyone down with me!]

Declan:

[Don't die.]

[I'm coming back right now.]

The front door opened and shut. But Declan didn't come to my room. I frowned and texted her again.

[Babe, did you go out to buy me pads?]

No reply.

I dry-swallowed an Advil. Clutching a plushie to my stomach, I curled up on the couch in absolute agony, distracted myself with a mobile game, and started wailing at the screen.

"Advil, what the hell are you doing?! Kick in already! Mother Nature, if you really love me, cure my period cramps right now!

What a trash teammate! If you can't play jungle, don't steal my role! Push the lane, why are you running away?!"

Right as the words left my mouth, the front door clicked open. A tall, ridiculously handsome man stood in the entryway, holding a large pharmacy shopping bag.

I let out a bloodcurdling scream. "Help! Home invasion! Burglary!"

"Murder! Help!"

He stepped forward. The warm yellow glow of the wall sconce illuminated his face. Sharp jawline, deep-set eyes, and a straight, aristocratic nose. There was a faint flush on his cheeks like he had been sprinting.

The man furrowed his brow, looking genuinely confused. "What's wrong, Harlow?" He lifted the plastic bag in his hand, pulling out a massive pack of feminine care products, his tone completely uncertain. "Are these the extra-long overnight pads you wanted?"

Smack.

My phone hit the hardwood floor. I scrambled upright on the couch, staring at him in utter bewilderment.

Chapter 6