Belated Devotion Is No Match for Freedom

A friend asked me to be her bridesmaid.

When I stepped out of the changing room in a white gown, Denys Fox, who had come to pick me up, visibly froze for a second.

My friend took the chance to push me into his arms, teasing.

She asked whether Denys and I should just hold our wedding next month, together with hers.

It was only a joke, but Denys's expression shifted again and again.

He stepped back, quietly, careful about it.

Only after he'd put some distance between us did he say, No rush.

My friend wanted to press him further, but I stopped her.

This gown was never meant for his eyes anyway.

"Wasn't he supposed to take you home? Why did he leave first?"

Sasha always spoke her mind.

Even while she turned to haggle with the shop clerk,

she kept griping about what exactly was wrong with Denys, how he always went vague and evasive the moment marriage came up.

I watched Denys, the man who was supposed to be driving me home,

hurry off after a single phone call.

For so long I'd been lying to myself.

Only now did I see how obvious his indifference had been all along.

"Lucia Harding! Are you even listening?"

"In my experience, if a guy won't consider marriage after three years of dating, you basically should be done with him."

"You've been with Denys nine years, right? If it's not working, cut it off fast. Don't waste your youth and your time."

Seeing that I said nothing,

that I only stared silently as Denys's car drove off into the distance,

Sasha finally caught herself, thought she'd said the wrong thing, and apologized to me over and over.

I came back to myself and said, with a smile, that it was fine.

Sasha's husband had been standing beside her the whole time.

He watched her chat with me, doting, crouching down now and then to fix the hem of her dress.

The two of them bickered and laughed over which gown looked better.

This was Sasha's third wedding.

The first was in her hometown, the second in her husband's hometown.

This third one was the reception for friends and coworkers.

So it turned out that when you love someone, if she wants it, you'll even hold the wedding this many times.

"I know."

"When we were kids, we promised each other, if we ever could, we'd hold our weddings together."

"Next month, when you get married, we'll do it together."

Sasha thought I was joking.

But after she saw me casually pick out a gown of my own, she asked, half believing me.

"You're planning to drag Denys straight to the altar that day? You think that'll work?"

I smiled and didn't answer her.

Next month's wedding, I was getting married.

Just not to Denys.

Something came up at the firm. I can't make it back. Grab a cab yourself.

Half an hour later, Denys's message arrived on my phone, right on schedule.

Okay.

Dinner together tonight?

The other side showed typing for a long while, then stopped.

Denys still begged off dinner with work.

But today was my birthday.

We'd agreed on it a week ago.

Dinner at that restaurant everyone online was raving about.

Then the movie I'd wanted to see for so long.

Our chat log even stopped on the reservation details for the restaurant.

I don't know if he forgot, or if he just thought it didn't matter at all.

I can't even remember when it started.

More and more things kept piling up between Denys and me.

Meeting clients, sorting through documents, entertaining contacts.

Denys always had a reason to reasonably back out of whatever we'd planned.

Eating together, watching a movie, walking through the grocery store, seeing a doctor when one of us was sick.

To Denys, none of that ever mattered.

All that busywork for his career.

I went from understanding it, to less and less understanding after all the times he wasn't there.

And after countless arguments,

in the end I could only force myself to get used to all of it.

I'd meant to just take a cab home.

But after seeing the confirmation message from the restaurant, I changed my mind on the spot.

At the restaurant door, it was so crowded that even with a reservation I waited half an hour.

When my number finally came up, the server suddenly grew awkward.

She checked again and again before she asked me.

"Miss, this table was already taken by a couple who paid extra to be seated early."

"The reservation's under the name Fox. Was that booked by you?"

"They also ordered a bouquet and a cake. I was just about to bring them over to the table."

I didn't know what to make of it.

Denys? Had he come here early and taken a seat without telling me?

The name on the flower and cake order really was his.

The server stood there and pointed out that it might be a surprise, and suggested I go over and check for myself.

Something in me said otherwise.

Denys wasn't the type to plan romance or surprises.

By his own account, he should have been at the office right now, working late.

I hesitated over whether to call him first.

But the server glanced at the line of people waiting behind me and suggested I just go to the table and confirm.

When I reached the second floor and saw the seat, all I had left was a bitter smile.

Denys really was there.

And just as the server had said, there were two of them.

Across from him sat his colleague, Zelda Delgado.

She was also the daughter of the founder of the firm where Denys now worked.

When Denys came home from work and talked to me about the office, half of it was about this female colleague.

He'd complain that Zelda was sloppy in her work, that she wasn't good at her job, that she sometimes even mixed up the statutes.

And there was a trace of envy in his voice too.

He said everyone at the firm except him.

Everyone else fawned over this young lady, all so they could get the good cases out of her.

The server beside them brought over the flowers and the cake.

The two of them at the table were already deep in cheerful conversation.

When Zelda saw the flowers and cake, her face lit up with delight.

"Lawyer Fox, my birthday isn't until next week. Why are you giving me all this early?"

"We'll be away on business next week. I didn't want your birthday to feel rushed."

Denys's voice carried clearly to my ears.

Even though I'd braced myself, my heart still smarted like it had been pricked with a needle.

I took out my phone and called Denys.

I watched him glance at the screen, then hang up on me.

So it turned out that all the things he'd pushed aside were because there was someone else keeping him company.

I chose not to call it out.

I just turned and walked away, without a single backward glance left in me.

By midnight, Denys still hadn't come home.

I blew out the candle, made my wish, and ate my birthday cake alone.

It was a fruit cake I'd grabbed on short notice from the bakery downstairs, sweet to the point of being cloying.

But I still took a big bite.

My phone chimed. It was a message in the little family group chat with my parents.

Besides the birthday wishes, it was about the wedding, mine and Denys's.

Happy birthday, Lucia!

We don't wish for anything else. We just hope you and Denys can finally settle things this year, and then we can stop worrying

Denys was in this group chat too.

But like every other time, whenever the subject came up, he stayed silent.

I was the only one down there explaining to my parents, saying we had our own plans, that there was no rush.

But this time, I didn't feel like explaining either.

Three years ago, when Denys became a partner at his current firm, our two families met each other.

Back then Denys said we'd get married once he bought the wedding home.

I agreed.

Then Denys paid for this place in full.

My parents put in half a lifetime of savings, and with my earlier salary on top of it, we finished the renovations.

Denys and I had been living in the new place for six months.

I thought we could finally start planning.

But then Denys said he wanted to wait a little longer, because his position as partner at the firm still wasn't secure.

Now, all this time later, Denys has already made senior partner.

And when the subject of our marriage comes up, he still gives nothing away.

I didn't know how to explain what Denys and I even were now.

After so many years together, we both seemed to have settled into simply living side by side.

Not clinging to each other the way we had when we first started dating.

But not living like a normal married couple either.

It was just like my friend said.

Somehow Denys and I had drifted into the burnout stage before we'd even married.

"Why aren't you asleep yet?"

Denys pushed the door open.

When he saw me sitting in the living room eating cake by myself, he frowned.

"Not worried about your weight, sitting here eating cake this late at night"

Halfway through, Denys stopped.

Like it had only just clicked.

"Is your birthday today? I thought it was tomorrow."

"I even had my assistant clear my whole schedule tomorrow so I could take you to the aquarium."

As he spoke, Denys pulled out his phone and showed me the aquarium tickets he'd already bought.

I nodded and didn't say much.

I cut a slice of cake and set it in front of him.

"Why were you working so late?"

I wanted to hear him explain on his own.

I wanted to see whether he'd tell me the truth.

Why he'd gone to the restaurant with a colleague, the one he was supposed to go to with me.

Why he'd chosen work as an excuse to cancel the birthday plans he'd promised me.

Denys, who was usually strict about what he ate, took the cake I'd given him and started putting it in his mouth, out of guilt.

Deliberately steering around the subject I'd just raised.

"Happy birthday."

In the light spilling in through the window.

Denys looked at me and offered his belated birthday wishes.

"This makes seven birthdays we've spent together, doesn't it."

There was something coaxing in his tone now, as if he'd finally understood that getting the date wrong really had been a mistake.

But Denys still kept his face stiff.

I could already picture it. If I blamed him now,

he'd come back with a pile of work excuses, trying to patch over and explain away what he'd done.

So I didn't say much. I just went along with him.

"Right. Every year before, you were beside me for my birthday. Today just barely counts, I suppose."

Seeing that I wasn't fighting with him over the forgotten date,

Denys actually softened.

The truth was, it wasn't that I didn't want to be angry. I was just too tired to be.

Something you've waited this long for with nothing to show for it should end.

Before we slept, Denys reached around from behind and pulled me by the waist.

He apologized.

Said he hadn't forgotten my birthday on purpose.

Promised he'd make it up to me properly with tomorrow's day off.

I still didn't say much, just listened quietly while he explained.

Listened as Denys brought up, on his own, what my parents had said in the group chat.

For once, the two of us were this calm about it.

"Lucia, whether it's your parents or your friends, we don't have to let them get to us."

"You know it. The thing I hate most is other people meddling in our relationship."

"We have our own pace. We don't need to worry about them."

If this had been before, maybe Denys and I would have started fighting again.

Because I couldn't accept that he'd forget my birthday and still throw one for his colleague.

Couldn't accept that he knew I wanted this to lead somewhere, and still fobbed me off with there's no rush.

Even if his reasons were fair.

I'd gone from not understanding to understanding his work.

But understanding didn't mean I had to accept all of it.

So today, I didn't argue anymore.

I just answered Denys with a single word. Okay.

Then I pulled free of his arm.

Rolled the blanket around me and moved to sleep on my own side.

Denys was used to it too.

We said good night to each other and didn't say another word.

We never made it to the aquarium the next day.

The birthday cake from yesterday had a little mango filling mixed in.

I'm allergic to mango.

I only noticed in the small hours, when I couldn't breathe and my neck burned unbearably.

Denys took me to the hospital.

Seeing me leaning back in a chair with an IV in my arm,

with several more bags of fluid to go, likely a whole morning in the hospital ahead,

Denys took a few work calls, and his face darkened. He started to complain.

"We've been together this long. There's no need to put me through this over something so small."

"You could've texted to remind me yesterday was your birthday. I was just busy and forgot."

"If I'd ordered the cake, I definitely would've told them no mango."

I gave a small smile, the corner of my mouth pulling, and murmured an agreement.

I'd just started to tell him he could go to work first, that I could take care of myself,

when Denys took another call.

This time he was visibly tense.

After he hung up, he asked me, a little awkwardly.

"Lucia, do you remember I have a colleague named Zelda Delgado?"

I nodded.

How could I not.

Yesterday I'd watched the two of them share a birthday meal.

"Her client came to the firm making a scene. She just called to ask if I could go help."

I watched the panic plain on Denys's face and waited for the rest.

But seeing how pale I was, he hesitated a moment.

After the nurse came by again to insist that someone stay with me to watch for the allergic reaction,

he finally sat down and didn't say anything more.

"You can go, actually."

I looked at Denys with a smile.

"You threw her a birthday yesterday, didn't you."

"And if the client really kicks off, it's probably more serious than my allergy."

Denys frowned, as if trying to work out whether I meant it or was just sulking.

He didn't even notice how it was that I knew the two of them had celebrated her birthday together yesterday.

His phone lit up again.

I saw it. Zelda again.

The call cut through Denys's hesitation.

He nodded, turned, and hired a care aide for me.

Said he'd found the most expensive aide to look after me, that he'd just run over there and be back soon.

I didn't say much. I just agreed.

Expensive really was better.

The aide not only bustled around fetching me water and buying me food,

but chatted with me all smiles, praising how good Denys was to me.

Aides were in short supply at the hospital, she said, and Denys had paid five hundred a day to bring her in to look after me.

But then she turned to gossip with someone else in the hallway, and lowered her voice, and told the truth.

He was just keeping me happy.

If he really cared, what family member wouldn't stay and watch over you themselves.

Who would hire an aide to do it.

In my memory, it did seem that was how it had always been.

When Denys and I first got together, even a small cut on my hand would send him rushing me to the hospital, making a whole production of it.

At some point that changed. Even when I was sick in bed, aching and too weak to move, all I could do was wait for him to squeeze in time after work to take me to a doctor.

Later it became a habit to go to the hospital alone.

Denys would only send a quick text asking if I'd gone.

Once I answered yes, he'd act as if nothing had happened and go back to whatever he was busy with.

If he hadn't caught my allergic reaction in the middle of the night this time, he probably wouldn't have known until I was already better.

Sasha called to confirm the wedding details.

It was only when she heard how weak my voice was that she found out about the allergy.

She was furious on my behalf.

"Where's Denys? What's so important that he'd leave you alone at the hospital?"

I only said that Denys's work was important.

Sasha knew I didn't want to say more, so she just sighed on the other end.

She told me a relationship like this really wasn't worth keeping.

"Just look at you. So many men chased you back then, and you had to pick Denys."

"Fine, he's good-looking, and now he's a senior partner at the firm."

"But he treats you badly!"

"Don't you get it, you hopeless romantic? No matter how impressive Denys is, if he treats you badly, it's all worthless."

Sasha's words came one after another.

She stopped just short of calling me a fool and telling me to break up.

But Denys and I had been together nine years. I'd gotten used to a life with him in it.

I realized I needed time too, to peel Denys out of my life bit by bit.

When I didn't answer, Sasha could only change the subject.

She went back to asking about my wedding plans.

She still thought I was doing this out of spite.

That I meant to force Denys to marry me on the wedding day.

"You'll be standing there in the dress with all your friends and family watching. There's no way Denys can say no."

"You two should've been married long ago anyway."

I knew what Sasha meant.

But I wasn't going to do something that so plainly went against Denys's wishes.

I went ahead and accepted the wedding invitation, the venue, the guest list, all the arrangements Sasha sent over.

She'd thrown so many weddings by now that she knew it all inside out.

"All right, that's the whole rundown. Our side of the guests is easy enough, but what are you going to do about Denys's side?"

When I stayed quiet, Sasha didn't press.

She told me to rest well, said we'd hold the wedding together and she'd handle everything, guaranteed.

Scrolling my feed, I saw one of Denys's colleagues had posted about what happened at the firm today.

Zelda's client had lost his case and spent the whole morning making a scene at the firm, worked up and out of control.

In the end it was Denys who showed up and defused it.

Zelda was leaning against Denys's chest, still shaken.

When I saw it, I left a comment underneath: Glad everyone's okay

Then a message from one of Denys's colleagues came in.

Heard the two of you have a big day coming up. Congratulations on the wedding!

Since I used to bring Denys late-night meals at the firm so often, everyone there knew me.

A pile of congratulations followed under the post.

Ten minutes later, Denys called.

"What's this about your feed? Since when are we getting married, and why don't I know about it?"

"It's nothing. Your colleague misread things."

I explained it calmly.

Denys didn't ask anything more. He told me to make it clear on my feed and not cause any unnecessary misunderstandings.

The line was noisy on his end.

I could hear his colleagues egging each other on.

Saying it was a good thing Denys played the hero today.

That if he hadn't gotten there in time, Zelda probably would've come out of it badly.

They were all telling Zelda she owed everyone a meal.

Denys covered the phone.

A few minutes later, it went quiet on his end.

His tone softened too, and he asked if I was still at the hospital.

He offered to come pick me up and take me home once the dinner was over.

But then he hesitated for a good while, shuffled through a few different times, and finally said he'd let me know a little later.

I cut off his awkwardness right there.

Same as I had countless times before, I told him it was fine, I could get home on my own.

By one in the morning, Denys still wasn't back.

I opened my phone to find, right on cue, a message that he was leaving on a two-week business trip.

Denys asked whether, if I needed him, he could come back for a day next week to see me.

Seconds after he sent it, he retracted it.

A few minutes later, he said that while he was away, if I really felt awful I could call him and he'd figure something out.

I gave a bitter little smile.

From that far away, what could he possibly figure out?

Concern that cost him nothing was worse than saying nothing at all.

I'm fine. Go do your work

For a full two weeks, my chat with Denys stopped there.

I had always been the one to reach out to him.

So it turned out that if I didn't reach for him first, he really wouldn't send me a single message.

Half a month later, the wedding went ahead on schedule.

In my dress, I took a photo with Sasha.

And in my chat with Denys, I finally saw the first message in half a month.

He said he was back from his trip.

He asked if I wanted to have lunch together at noon, at that restaurant from last time, to make it up to me.

No need. I'm getting married today

If you want to come, you're welcome to