His Heartbeat Came Six Years Too Late

After the accident, my hearing turned strange. Sharp.

Sharp enough that I could hear, in the smallest difference between two heartbeats, whether a couple was truly in love.

The day my best friend beat her cancer, her boyfriend wept and dropped to one knee to propose.

I heard it thenthe subtle stutter in his heartbeat.

The day my sister-in-law's plane nearly went down, my brother broke down sobbing at the airport, half out of his mind with relief.

I heard that toothe faint shift in the rhythm of his heart.

I always believed Toby Barnes would be like them.

But his heart was always steady. Never a ripple.

When he confessed to me, his eyes full of love, his heartbeat didn't change.

When he proposed, making his promises, his heartbeat didn't change.

Even three years into our marriage, his heart never wavered, not once.

Everyone around me said he loved me, and I believed he was simply the exception.

Until I crashed my car again, and walked into his ER with blood streaming down my face.

He came rushing out, went straight past me, and ran to the ex-girlfriend who'd been in the same wreck.

And in that moment, I heard it.

His heart, surging like a storm.

"Miss Swanson?"

The bright light stabbed into my eyes.

I blinked, focused, and looked at the nurse cleaning my wound.

"Miss Swanson, can you tell me how many fingers this is?"

She held them up. I gave a number, dazed.

In my ears, I could still hear Toby's heart pounding wildly.

Three years dating. Three years married.

I had tested him countless times.

When we were dating, we'd kiss until we shared the same breath, and I would listen, carefully, for his heart.

Nothing. Not a flicker.

At our wedding, when he slid the ring onto my finger, I was sure I'd hear something different in his chest.

But it stayed steady. Not a ripple.

My best friend tried to comfort meToby was just the exception, she said.

After all, he was always the first to show up when I was sick.

He'd cross half the city on a business trip just because I'd mentioned wanting some sold-out collectible, and stand in line for it.

He'd lower his own limits, again and again, for me.

I always believed he loved me.

But now, pressing the bandage on my forehead, I walked toward him, step by step.

Seven steps away, I heard it again.

Toby's heart, surging like a storm.

"Toby, I'm fine. I don't need your help!"

"Daisy Matthews, stop being stubborn!"

"Have you forgotten you have a congenital heart condition? All these years, and you still won't take your own body seriously!"

In the busy hospital, full of people coming and going, the two of them seemed to form an invisible wall around themselves.

I watched them, and suddenly the Toby in front of me felt like a stranger.

In front of mein front of everyone, reallyhe was always the gentle, refined gentleman.

In this moment, it was as though he'd suddenly come alive.

The forehead they'd hit throbbed, a sharp, pulsing ache.

I dug my fingers into my palm and took two more steps closer.

Toby's heart was still surging.

"Toby, I told you to leave me alone. I'm about to get married!"

The words had barely left Daisy's mouth.

I heard Toby's heart stop for a few seconds.

Then it started up again, beating like something gone mad.

The bandage the nurse had wrappedat some point, the blood welling up had soaked clean through it.

Red, dripping, falling drop by drop onto the white floor.

I stumbled a few steps and came up behind Toby.

"Toby, it hurts so much"

The same coaxing tone I always used. My hand had just touched his arm.

Then Daisy suddenly looked up at me.

Her face went white, and she shot to her feet and bolted for the door.

Toby didn't hesitate, not for a second. He went after her.

I'd been knocked to the floor when he shoved past, and for a few seconds I just sat there, dazed and disheveled.

People streamed by on every side of the hospital corridor. Without thinking, I called my best friend.

"Celly, I heard Toby's heartbeat. It was so loud"

"Really? See, I always said there was no way Toby didn't love you!"

"You've been imagining things all these years."

Her voice came through bright with excitement.

A fresh wave of pain shot through my head.

It hurt so much I half believed that pounding heartbeat had never been real.

Then, a second later, Toby ran back in, face tight with panic, the fainted Daisy in his arms.

That violent heartbeat was in my ears again.

This time, he saw me.

"Addie, why are you here too?"

I looked up and listened, carefully, to his heart.

Tears spilled out before I could stop them.

So my hearing wasn't broken after all.

Toby's heartbeat.

When he looked at me, it didn't change in the slightest.

"Addie, are you all right?"

"I have to get Daisy checked first."

He didn't wait for an answer. He turned and left without looking back.

I stayed on the floor a few more seconds, then pushed myself up on my hands.

"Celly, Toby's heart really was so loud."

"But it wasn't beating like that for me"

Tears slid from the corners of my eyes. I hung up, turned, and started to leave.

A nurse came rushing over and caught my arm.

"Miss Swanson! Did you know you're pregnant?"

"You're already eight weeks along!"

I stared at the report in her hand and froze.

Three years married, and Toby's mother had never stopped pressing us for a baby.

Every time, Toby brushed her off with one excuse or another.

Once he'd gone cold-faced right there at the dinner table.

"Bring up babies one more time and I'll get a vasectomy."

I'd always thought it was because he respected me.

But now I wasn't sure of anything.

I took the nurse's report and went home.

Toby didn't come back all night.

It wasn't until the next morning that I heard the door.

He looked exhausted, a thick stack of medical records in his arms.

From across the room, all I could make out were the words Daisy Matthews.

The date was eight years ago.

My heart gave a sudden, sharp ache.

I forced a smile and walked over, holding out the pregnancy report.

"Toby, I'm pregnant."

The room went terribly quiet.

His heartbeat didn't shift, not by a single beat.

The smile froze on my lips inch by inch, and tears welled up that I couldn't hold back.

"Toby, I said I'm pregnant."

I repeated it.

At last that familiar, gentle smile came over his face, and he stroked my hair softly.

"You've had it hard, Addie."

"But this baby, we can't have it right now."

He carried the records carefully back to the study, then came out with a first-aid kit in his hand.

"Addie, last night was wrong of me."

"But Daisy has a congenital heart condition. I was afraid that one second later, she'd be dead."

"I looked at your results at the hospital. Nothing serious."

He said it all evenly, then took my hand and sat me down on the couch.

He opened the kit, pulled on gloves, and started tending to my cuts.

"Addie, this isn't the right time for us to have a child."

"Over the next three years, I'll probably be going abroad for a medical fellowship a lot."

"Raising the baby on your own would be too hard for you."

He kept his voice low, and kept glancing at the watch on his wrist.

Even the way he dressed my wounds carried a thread of impatience now.

I kept my head down, and all at once the tears began to spill, one drop after another.

"But I want this baby. I do."

My throat ached around the words, and they came out thick and muffled.

Toby's hands went still.

He set down the tweezers, and a coldness slid into his voice.

"Addie, now isn't the time to be willful."

"Raising a child alone, that's basically being a single mother. You of all people should know how hard that is."

"Isn't that exactly why your mother killed herself when you were twelve"

Toby stopped.

He reached up and rubbed the bridge of his nose, then offered an apology.

"I'm sorry, Addie. That was the wrong thing to say."

"If you really want to keep the baby, we can hire a nanny."

The room went quiet.

Then Toby's phone rang.

He grabbed it fast and stood, walking out to the balcony.

Through the glass, I couldn't hear a word he said.

But I heard it anyway.

The instant he saw who was calling, his heart slammed into a hard, racing beat.

I wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes, took out my phone, and booked the abortion.

Toby was right.

Being a single mother is no easy thing.

I wasn't willing to walk the same road my mother had, and I wasn't willing to die slowly the way she had, trapped in a loveless marriage.

So I wouldn't keep the baby.

And I wouldn't keep him either.

By the time Toby came back inside, I was already dressed and standing at the entryway.

"Addie, that was Daisy."

His face was calm, hiding nothing.

"She's making a fuss about checking out of the hospital, but her heart condition is already very dangerous."

"We were together once. In every sense, I can't just leave her to fend for herself."

Toby had always been this open about it.

When we first got together, he'd told me himself that he and Daisy had dated for a year.

Back then, I'd asked him.

"Toby, do you still love Daisy?"

His face hadn't changed at all.

"Not anymore."

I believed him.

But a mouth can lie. A heartbeat can't.

I forced a smile to my lips and didn't say another word about Daisy.

Instead, I pulled up the abortion appointment on my phone.

"Toby, I've decided. I'm not keeping the baby."

Toby froze.

He hadn't expected me to change my mind so fast.

"Addie, you"

"I thought it over. Given where we are right now, it really isn't the right time for a child."

I cut him off and pushed the door open, stepping out.

"Let's go, Toby. Drive me to the hospital for the abortion."

In the car on the way there, neither of us spoke.

The silence in the car made me notice it for the first time.

Toby always kept a copy of the latest research on congenital heart conditions in his car.

This one bore the seal of the American research institute.

A finding from a week ago, not yet released to the public.

And Toby already had it in his hands.

Once, my grandmother's kidneys had developed a problem no one could diagnose.

I'd begged Toby, asked whether he could reach out to his mentor in America.

Take her test results and have the American research institute analyze them.

He'd frowned and refused me, righteous about it.

"Addie, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you."

"But my mentor, Milton, is ninety-three now. He retired from the American research institute a long time ago. We shouldn't trouble him with this."

My grandmother died the day before our wedding.

To the very end, she never saw me happy in a wedding dress.

A bitter sting rose in my throat, and I held the tears back.

The next second, Toby's phone rang.

And again I heard that heart of his, slamming hard.

"Daisy, listen to me. Don't you dare run off on your own again!"

"What do you mean I'm married, that you have to keep your distance?!"

"Daisy, tell me, where are you?!"

In the car, his voice turned colder and colder.

I caught the words "the Riverside Bridge."

I looked up. Ten seconds left on the light at the intersection.

Right turn to the hospital. Straight ahead to the Riverside Bridge.

I broke into his call.

"Toby, it's time to turn right for the hospital."

After the reminder, I said nothing more. I just sat quietly, waiting out the ten seconds.

Nineteen three, two, one.

The red light ended. The green came on.

Toby hit the gas and drove straight for the Riverside Bridge.

I smiled, and the tears finally spilled over.

I picked up my phone and slowly typed out a message to my best friend.

Celly, I want a divorce.

Help me draw up a divorce agreement.

The whole way to the Riverside Bridge, Toby never hung up.

I listened to him patiently soothing Daisy.

Listened to him, slowly recounting the details of how they'd loved each other.

A twenty-minute drive, and he made it in ten.

The car stopped, and he rushed to throw the door open.

I caught the sleeve of his shirt and said, softly,

"Toby, do you love me?"

A flicker of impatience crossed his face.

"Addie, this isn't the time to be unreasonable."

"Daisy's about to jump!"

I held his eyes and said it again.

"Toby, did you ever love me?"

And then I listened, carefully, to his heart.

Steady. Not the slightest change.

The same as every single day of these six years.

The hand gripping his sleeve loosened, slowly.

I forced a smile to my lips and asked once more.

"Toby, do you love Daisy?"

A heart pounding like crashing waves, as if it would drown me.

I let go of his sleeve completely.

"Go!"

"Daisy's about to jump, and with her heart condition, it's dangerous."

His brow furrowed; he opened his mouth to say something more.

Then, from a distance, came a passerby's voice.

"Quick! Call the police!"

"Someone's going to jump!"

Toby threw the door open in a panic and ran, never once looking back.

I watched him go. After a minute, I opened the door and got out too.

I raised a hand for a cab, climbed in, and didn't linger a second.

"Driver, take me to the state hospital."

The driver pulled his gaze back from the Riverside Bridge, and the words came out thick with that New York accent.

"Heh, another lovers' spat!"

"That guy's not bad-looking, though. Ran right over and grabbed her."

"The two of them kissing like they couldn't bear to let go!"

He finished and started the car.

The Riverside Bridge fell away behind us.

My phone buzzed with the divorce agreement from my best friend.

I forwarded it to Toby, then powered off the phone.

Once Toby had pulled Daisy back from the edge, he carried her all the way to the car.

"Addie, I'm taking you to the hospital now"

The words caught in his throat.

The passenger seat was empty. I was long gone.

He assumed I'd thrown a fit and gone to the hospital on my own.

Toby froze for a moment, then thought nothing of it.

He told Daisy to buckle up and had just started the car.

His phone rang.

He opened it and saw the message I'd sent.

He tapped it at once.

Only to find the divorce agreement.

His foot hit the brake before he knew it.

His face was grim. When it registered, he slammed the gas and raced for the state hospital.

But just before that intersection, a traffic officer flagged the car to a stop.

The officer who ran up looked frantic as he rapped on the window.

"There's a multi-car pileup ahead, a woman, early twenties, gone into cardiac arrest."

"I saw you've got an AED in your car. We're commandeering it."

He was already telling Toby to pop the trunk.

Then his radio crackled.

"Cardiac arrest victim identified. Local woman, twenty-eight, name's Adela Swanson."

The name Adela Swanson reached Toby's ears.

And the heart that had been steady for years suddenly surged like crashing waves.

Pounding harder, by some measure he couldn't begin to count, than it ever had for Daisy.