How Did I Feel Cheat On My Wife

My friend once asked me, Now that you've cheated on your wife, do you still have any feelings for her?

I really thought it over.

How to put it?

It's not like I feel absolutely nothingafter all, we were practically family for so many years.

But as for loving her well, that feeling was definitely gone.

I thought I understood how marriage was completely until one day on the street, I accidentally saw Luna laughing with another man.

I was standing on the balcony, slowly exhaling a smoke ring, ready to answer Charlie's question, when my phone rang.

It was Luna.

"Hey, Luna," I answered gently.

She laughed before she even spoke.

"Haha, honey, when are you coming home today? Skippy just did a backflip, and he wants to show you!"

I couldn't help but smile.

"Alright, I'll be home soon. Want me to bring some chestnuts cream cake? I can pick some up on my way home."

"Yes, please! I do want some!"

We hung up laughing.

I turned back to find Charlie cocking his head to the side, looking a bit stunned.

I pulled a grinit didn't surprise me.

He'd just lost big in a divorce case against his wife over his mistress, and now they were sworn enemies.

Meanwhile, Luna and I?

We were a picture of marital bliss.

Four years in, and not once did we look at each other with contemptour bond only grew deeper and stronger.

Truth is, I'd always treated her as my treasure.

And after the affair, I treated her even better.

By any measure, she was a woman with a life, people would envy.

Charlie cleared his throat impatiently.

"Dude, you still haven't answered my question!"

I shook my head, flicking ash off my cigarette.

"Let me put it this way," I said, squinting at the snowy city skyline in the distance.

"When you run your hand over your own arm, do you feel anything?"

He rolled his eyes. "What do you mean, feel anything?"

I blew out a stream of smoke.

"That's how I feel about Luna right now. Touching her is like touching my own hand. But if her hand got hurt, I'd feel that too."

Charlie blinked. "So that's why you're with Rebecca Snow?"

I turned and shot him a serious look. "Rebecca's a proud woman. Don't say things like that in front of her."

I don't think I'm a truly awful person, even though I slept with Rebecca while I was married.

Let's just say some things in this world can be damn mistakes.

Last year at our high school reunion, I ran into the girl I'd crushed since I was a teenagerRebecca Snow.

Seeing her for the first time that night, I could hardly believe my eyes.

Rebecca back then was gorgeous, from a wealthy family, always top of the class.

To guys like us, struggling through insecure, loneliness, she was completely out of reach even in our dreams.

But that night, she looked nothing like the Rebecca I remembered.

She was haggard, gaunt, worn out.

The lines at the corners of her eyes and mouth were hard and sharplike scars that life had etched onto her from all she'd been through.

My heart ached in a way I couldn't explain.

It was like discovering that the beautiful moon you used to worship had fallen into this damn muddy worldthe light's gone, covered in dust.

At the end of the reunion, we were saying our last goodbyes and,

At the door everyone was crowding around my newly bought car.

Rebecca spoke up, "That car must have cost like forty thousand dollars, right?"

A classmate snorted, "You gotta be kidding! That thing is probably over a hundred thousand. Jack is the branch manager of out top bank nowdo you think he's still the same broke kid we used to knew?"

In an instant, Rebecca's face flushed crimson and her lips tightened into a line.

I quickly blurted out, "It's not that expensive, don't listen to them!"

She shot me a cold glance and then turned away without even saying goodbye to anyone.

In the hush that followed, I learned what had happened to her all those years.

Her family had gone broke in her college daysshe lost everything.

After graduation she married a hot-tempered man, and during one argument she accidentally caused his death.

She had to sell her house and car to pay the compensation fees and she ended up in prison.

After she got out, she was divorced and alone in a tiny rental apartment with her four-year-old son, scraping by selling insurance.

"She never used to come to our school reunions," someone in the crowd whispered.

"She probably came this time to drum up some business. There's no shame in making some money, but seriously, with that attitudewho'd even want to buy a insurance from her?"

Half a month later, Rebecca suddenly called me and asked whether I had any need for commercial insurances.

My wife Luna worked in the bank's insurance department, and my personal insurance portfolio had long since been fully taken care of by her.

On the phone, Rebecca sounded a little disappointed. On the spot, I introduced several friends to her.

Afterward, Rebecca invited me out to dinner to thank me, and I gladly accepted.

Not long after that, her son suddenly came down with a high fever.

On a snowy day like that, she couldn't get a taxi anywhere, and in her panic she called me.

Naturally, I did everything I could to help her out.

Later on, whenever Rebecca cooked something good at home, she would invite me over for a visit.

Her son, Danny, called me "Uncle Jack" and clung to me every time, refusing to let go.

That day, the snow was falling heavily, and I couldn't leave for the time being. We each had a couple of beers.

After Danny fell asleep, she suddenly got up and went into the bedroom.

After a while, she called my name from inside.

I went in.

I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in a revealing nightgown, her eyes red as she looked at me.

She bit her lip and spoke softly:

"Jack, I don't really have anything to repay you with. If you don't mind all I have is my body"

Flustered, I hurriedly turned away, stammering, "ReRebecca, I never meant for you to repay me. Wewe're just old friends. Helping out is what I should do."

Behind me, she let out a faint sigh, her voice heavy with loneliness.

"I remember how you used to lie on your desk and secretly look at me during class. I know I can't compare to how I was back then anymore."

"If you're worried about anything, then let me tell you this now: I don't plan on getting married in the future, and I won't ever destroy your family. I only want what's right now with you"

Outside, the snow fell wildly, as if it belonged to an entirely different world.

I suddenly turned around and lunged toward her.

I went home very late that night.

When I drove up to the building, I saw Luna from afarwrapped up thickly, standing in the snow, looking around anxiously.

When she spotted me, she let out a long sigh of relief, then staggered over in a clumsy little run, baring her teeth as she complained,

"Jack Rivers! If you'd shown up any later, you'd be left with nothing but an ice-sculpture wife!"

I had a lot of social engagements, so she didn't ask where I'd been.

She took off her scarf and looped it around my neck, smiling as she said,

"Since you made it home safe in this snowstorm, I'll generously let you off the hook for not answering your phone."

That night, the cold concealed the stiffness in my expressionand in my heart.

I found myself adapting pretty quickly to this new situation.

Rebecca had plenty of free time, and I often had afternoons free, since I'd go check on our branch banks.

Being away from the office had become normal.

We had ample time and plenty of places for our secret trysts.

Even though our circumstances had changed, in front of me, Rebecca still carried herself with prideor maybe it was that she knew exactly which version of herself had me hooked.

It made me think of the past.

At this moment, Charlie waved his hand in front of my eyes, bringing me back to my senses.

Charlie was like a brother to mewe were classmates back in the day.

He just didn't get it.

He said, "Rebecca used to be something else, but now? She's not just a tiny bit below your wifeshe's a whole lot worse."

He didn't understand.

There's a saying that, the thing you couldn't have in your youth will haunts you for the rest of your life.

Rebecca was that forbidden dream I never had.

And now, she was right here, under me.

Every time I made love with her, I felt this intense satisfaction.

She refused to take my money, saying it made her feel cheap and ashamed.

So I came up with all sorts of ways to compensate her: I would send my friends to buy her insurances, top up her phone credit under her number, even give her the gifts clients had given me.

No matter what, Rebecca's presence was proof of how successful and flashy my life had become.

I never once thought about getting a divorce.

Luna and I were always on the same pagetruly in love, living the ideal married life.

She's such a cheerful, easily-content woman.

With her, I felt relaxed and confident, just energized all around.

Besides, I had promised her on her mother's deathbed to love her forever and always be good to her.

Looking back, I'd say I kept that promise well.

As for any harm my affair could do to her I had it all figured out.

She only gets hurt if she ever finds out.

If she didn't know, nothing would change.

In fact, I probably treated her even betterdriven by guilt of coursewhile making sure all her material and emotional needs were met.

And that's exactly what happened.

The way things are between Luna and me now?

It's even better than before.

Every year on my birthday, Luna would take a day off just for me.

She'd start preparing early in the morningheading ten miles out to the seafood market to pick the freshest ingredients, washing, chopping, simmering, stir-frying all day.

She'd be busy the whole day, just waiting for me to come home and eat a big feast she made.

I always tried to finish work early on those days so I could get home, and then we'd laugh together while finishing the remaining cooking and sit down to dinner.

But this year, Rebecca called me on my birthday.

She asked, "Mind if I celebrate your birthday with you?"

I hesitated for a second, then agreed.

In the last six months, Rebecca hadn't asked for anything excessive at all, in fact, after each time we were together, she would carefully check me afterward, almost as if afraid I'd missed something.

I figured she must be feeling a bit off in her emotions.

Which I understood.

Luna and I could saw each other every day, we had countless birthdays aheadthis one was no big deal.

I called Luna and told her I had a city officials' dinner that night and would be home late.

She was in the kitchen cooking, and I could hear the chop-chop of her knife. "Mm-hmm, what time do you think you'll get back?" she asked.

I thought a moment, "Around 7 o'clock."

"Okay!" she said happily.

That sounded about right, I thought I could come home by 7.

But, when I got to Rebecca's apartment, I didn't expect to be greeted with such intensity.

A passionate and fierce kiss was my welcome gift.

She had dropped Danny off at a friend's house and slipped into a stunning see-through dress.

She was unbelievably bold, unbelievably uninhibited.

On that bed, it was like she wanted to devour me.

She pulled out all the stopsthere was no holding back, over and over again.

I eventually passed out, and when I woke up it was already 11 pm.

Panic surged, and I hurriedly got dressed.

Rebecca suddenly leaned over and gently bit my shoulder, eyes red.

Softly, she said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken so much of your time tonight."

Seeing her like that, regret washed over me again.

After I got dressed, I softened my voice and said, "Listen, after this crazy week, let's take a short trip together in a few days. We'll act like a real married couple. If you want to call me your husband, go ahead. Anything you want, I'll do."

She wiped her eyes and chuckled, "You smooth talker!"

When I hurried home, I assumed Luna was already in bed.

She's always strict about her schedulelights out at 11 pm, get up at 7 am, year in and year out.

But when I walked in, I found her passed out at the dining table.

A spread of dishes, flowers, and a birthday cake was waiting on the table.

I glanced at the mirror by the door to make sure I looked presentable, then softly shook her awake.

Luna opened her eyes sleepily and blinked at me.

It took her a second, then she broke into a grin, "Honey, happy birthday!"

I pursed my lips.

"What are you doing asleep here?"

She yawned. "You said you'd be home at 7.

I wanted to wait, since it's your birthday. But you said you were with officials, so I didn't dare to callyou said you'd be eating with them! I didn't expect I'd fall asleep here."

"You haven't eaten yet?" I asked, a bit shocked.

"Oh, I tried a lot while cooking. I'm not hungry at all," she said with a mischievous smile.

Something inexplicable boiled up inside me.

"Are you stupid?" I blurted, louder than I intended.

"Of course you should've eaten if I wasn't home for dinner! Don't you know that?"

Luna froze.

After a second, she gently asked, "What's wrong?"

I snapped out of it immediately. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have raised my voice. I'm just really tired today I'm going to bed."

And with that, I practically ran to our bedroom.

I lay on the bed trying to process my bizarre emotions.

There was a rustling sound behind me, and suddenly a warm body curled up against mine.

"Honey, I'm sorry," Luna murmured.

"I know you were worried I'd be hungry. I promise next time I'll eat like I'm supposed to. Did something upset you today? Do you want me to do something to make you feel better?"

This was our little unspoken understanding: if one of us had a bad day, the other would initiate intimacy as comfort.

I knew I shouldn't be angry about what I'd said.

I was calming down, and I thought I could use this as a way out.

But after doing it with Rebecca so many times, I found I just couldn't get in the mood tonight.

The more frantic I got, the more frustrated I became, and the softer it was.

I finally whispered, "Not tonight."

Luna must have thought I was still upset.

She laughed softly and started tickling my sides.

Irritated and short-tempered, I growled, "Alright, enough! Can you at least show a little respect?"

Luna stopped moving.

In the dim room, she opened her eyes wide and stared at me.